A Lack of Respect

First I must convey my apologies to all readers of this blog. I'm on a rampage, per say... so just remember that as you continue to read.

A few weeks ago I was listening to the radio on my way to work and a lady had called in voicing her opinion to the DJ's about the choice of music they play. The DJ had refused to play a song (that of which fails to come to memory), so the woman called in giving her opinion on his decision. I had never quite thought about it from her aspect before, but as she spoke her piece I realized how right she was. She stated how she was appalled that the DJ had refused to play the requested song but yet played the song "Buttons" by the Pussycat Dolls repeatedly. She stated a few lyrics in the song:

I'm telling you loosen up my buttons baby
But you keep fronting
Saying what you going to do to me
But I ain't seen nothing

You been saying all the right things all night long
But I can't seem to get you over here to help take this off
Baby, can't you see?
How these clothes are fitting on me

You say you're a big boy
But I can't agree
'Cause the love you said you had
Ain't been put on me

Come on baby, loosen up my buttons babe
Loosen up my buttons babe
Baby, won't you loosen up my buttons babe?
Loosen up my buttons babe

Now these "girls" may look good and move great, but you just gotta wonder about the lack of respect they have for themselves. The woman was right. The DJ refuses to play certain music, like Eminem whom sings about what he's lived, but yet has no problem playing a song where women degrade themselves. What has our female society come to? It's necessary to "sell" your body in order to be attractive? What are groups like this teaching our young daughters? You have to wear skimpy clothes and have a belly ring to be attractive? You have to have your panties showing above your jeans to be sexy? You have to weigh 100 lbs soak and wet to catch a man's attention? It's not bad enough the pressure that our young ladies feel these days, with drugs and sex... let alone the "Pussycat Dolls" singing about how "loosening up your buttons" is the only way to land the male species. Hello? Everything about this is wrong.

It sickens me to hear songs like this and to read the lyrics. Shallow and mindless women who sing and dance around stage like a bunch of tramps let loose from a dog pound.... all to sell a few records. Meanwhile little Amy is growing up hearing these "girls" and thinking that she has to dress the way they do to be attractive, forget a man falling in love with them for what's on the inside. She'll end up pregnant at 15 yrs old and on welfare for support.... but do you hear the "Pussycat Dolls" sing about that? No. Why? Well, of course that wouldn't sell their records. And we all know it's about the money, not the morality. When you go to the mall and see an 11 yr old dressed in a skirt so short that if she were to bend over.... well, you get the idea, a belly button ring and more makeup than what I've ever worn.... what are these parents thinking? And then they wonder why grown men glance at their 11 yr old as they waltz down the middle of the mall. Because they don't look 11. Why would you want your child to grow up any faster than what they will grow up? It enrages me to see what our young girls look to as role models. These mindless, materialistic, promiscuous whores who shake their ass on stage...... their songs reek of sex and how that's what the youth should focus on. The name says it all - "Pussycat Dolls".

A lack of respect..... not only to themselves, but to all our young ladies who look up to them.

Day After Christmas

Back to work today. I hated it. I mean, come on... you need at least one day to recover from Christmas, ya know? Joel had today off (little turd), well kind of. I mean he spent all day working on this project for his company so even though he was home he wasn't technically off. So I take the turd comment back, sorry baby.

It's going on midnight.... day after Christmas and I sit here at my desk again glancing into the kitchen at the counter still with dirty dishes. Not as many, mind you, but still dirty dishes from Christmas dinner. I believe that I'll be able to fit all of the remaining into the dishwasher tomorrow. So ya know, three day old crusty Christmas dishes..... not too bad, eh? Like I said, I'm just glad it's over and only happens once a year.

Stopped down at the corner market tonight after picking Faith up and saw a sign "Free Puppies". Now as many of you know, my past experience with "free" pets didn't go well. I wanted "a" kitten and ended up with three (well, they were brothers.... who am I to seperate family?). Needless to say we had them about 2 months and had to rid of them. I didn't realize cat crap could stink so badly NOR did I realize that they would tear up my $50 shears (that's 2 shers per window with a total of $300... yeah ridding of kittens don't sound so cruel now, does it?). So after becoming kitty free, Joel and I discussed the possibility of considering a puppy. I told him later on after we're settled and all. All intensions were to get an outside dog, but to wait till we were able to afford a place with a fence or enough room for the dog to run. But tonight when I saw those words "Free Puppies", I saw a sign (besides the obvious one with "Free Puppies" written on it). So when I got home Joel called and these pups are 1/2 Yellow Lab and 1/2 Dalmation. Now I don't know about you, but that just don't sound like it'd be a pretty animal. The lady said she had the sign hanging for 4 days, started with 8 puppies and now down to 3 (2 male, 1 female). Needless to say, we are going to go look at them tomorrow evening around 6:30. I'll update you on whether our house becomes canine friendly.

Speaking of tomorrow..... gonna be a long day at work. One of those muts may get lucky as I will probably be very vulnerable. Please pray that I can be strong. I've never thought of "Labmation" as a canine breed of interest. We shall see.

As Christmas nears it's end....

The clock has almost struck midnight and Christmas will be done. Even though this has been one of the only "good" Christmas' I've celebrated since my Mom passed, I gotta admit..... I'm so glad it's over! I sit here at my desk and glance in the kitchen at the sink full of dishes still left over from dinner. Mind you, this is the 2nd batch of dirty dishes.... ones that wouldn't fit in the dishwasher. I'm too doggone tired to load up that thing again and it's against the law for you to hand-wash dishes if you have a dishwasher (Law of Lori). So yes, Christmas was exceptionally better than last and definitly better than the last three..... but I do sigh a bit of relief that it's done.

My only goal for New Years Eve/Day..... get that dang tree down. My wonderful husband has been designated to unstring the lights, of course this would be for the safety of everyone as my patience with lights is not one of my best attributes.

Wishing the best for you and your family this Christmas.

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Words To Live By

The past cannot be changed, but the future is still in your power.
- Hugh White -

Don't let today's disappointments cast a shadow on tomorrow's dreams.
- Author Unknown -

The only place where dreams are impossibilities is in your own mind.
- Emalie -

Love comforteth like sunshine after rain.
- William Shakespeare -

One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: that word is love.
- Sophocles -

You don't marry someone you can live with,
you marry the person who you cannot live without.
- Author Unknown -

I love you -
those three words have my life in them.
~ by Alexandrea to Nicholas III ~

I love thee, I love but thee
With a love that shall not die
Till the sun grows cold
And the stars grow old.
~ by Willam Shakespeare ~

One word frees us of all the weight and pain in life,
That word is Love
~ by Socrates ~

Love asks me no questions,
And gives me endless support...
~ by William Shakespeare ~

Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.
~ by Robert A. Heinlein, Stranger in a Strange Land ~

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength,
While loving someone deeply gives you courage.
~ by Lao Tzu ~

Love knows no reasons, love knows no lies.
Love defies all reasons, love has no eyes.
But love is not blind, love sees but doesn't mind.
~ by Author unknown ~

The courses of true love never did run smooth.
~ by William Shakespeare ~

Freedom of Life

(for privacy, names have been altered)

Every day when I shut the office door and throw my purse over my shoulder I smile as the door opens up to the outside. I don't usually look back.... until the other day.

I work in an assisted living facility. I've only been there going on 4 months, before that I worked for 7 years at an electric company. So this has already been a learning experience. When I started working there it was hard for me not to glance at each and every resident, some were very alert and alive... others did good just to open their eyes.

I first met Johnny, who is probably in his mid-60's and has been living there for 2 yrs. He "approved" me upon my interview. Every day Johnny will come up in his wheelchair and sit beside the receptionist. He is the official greeter. More like the official "know-it-all". He knows more about what goes on in the facility then I do. He always says "Wow" as I head out or in, of course it's so hard to resist a smile with his Elvis hairdo. Next, I met Doug. Doug is 42. That's not even 10 yrs older than I. Doug is in a wheelchair as a result of CP. He is as smart as a tack and has such a wonderful personality. He and I have become fast buddies. He holds a lot of anger, and who could blame him? He is the 2nd youngest resident in the building. What's even more sad is that his mind works fine, it's just his body that he can't make function properly. He is probably the one that tears at my heart the most. We also have Michael who is probably in his late 40's, early 50's. He also suffers from CP. Now it's funny because I only see Michael on Fridays. I tease him about only coming around to visit on Fridays, but he tells me it's his way to get pumped up for the weekend, his way to put on his "party hat", per say. He's another one that cracks me up. He told me a joke last Friday. "Why doesn't Frosty have any kids?" I humor him, "Why Michael?".... Micheal replies, loudly might I say, "Because he's got snowballs!". Ornary is about the only word I can think of for that one. We also have Mary, who is the sweetest little thing you can imagine. Mary suffers from Alzheimers. She is one of the few that is able to walk around the facility, most of them are confined to wheelchairs or are unable to leave their bed. She walks around with this babydoll in hand. You never see her without this baby. One day I see Mary in the hall and the baby has food all over her face. I stop and say "Goodness, it looks like someone ate well today!" Mary goes on and on about how "Liz" eats very well and that she never has to worry about that. I suddenly notice something from Liz's nose. Hmmm.... I wonder. Oh yeah, I suppose Mary also realized that sometimes babies have boogers sticking out of their noses. I had to laugh, I mean you gotta give Mary credit for the imagination of putting a booger on a babydoll's nose! I never thought of a babydoll booger nose when I played with dolls. I told Joel about Mary. Instead of the smile I expected when I told the story, he just kind of shook his head and said that he thought it was very sad for someone to get to that point. I told him that I thought it was sad for her family, but as for Mary... she's happy, she's a child again. And for children their world revolves around what makes them happy. She is a sweetie, for sure... boogers and all!

Some residents bring a bit of sadness. Take Ethal, for example. Ethal is a live wire, I'll give her that. But Ethal is one of the residents that tug at my heartstrings the most. Ethal also suffers from Alzheimers. Ethal will find her way up to the front door and try to get out of the facility. Some residents pose a danger to themselves if they exit the building. Ethal wears an ankle alarm so every time she gets near one of the doors, the alarm sounds and the doors automatically lock. Ethal is very determined. Some days she will attempt to exit the front door 10 times. I hear the alarm sound then I hear Ethal yelling and cursing. Now I do have to give Ethal credit for attempting the front door. I mean you'd think she would attempt a door where the receptionist isn't sitting right there, but no. Let me explain her method. I belive Ethal attempts the front entrance because she is aware that people enter and exit frequently here, maybe just maybe that will be her oppurtunity to "slip out" without anyone noticing. Ethal has had me in tears before. She yells how she wants to go home and we need to let her go. Her little wrinkled hands hold on the tightly to the wall rails as the nurses try to pull her away to take her back to her room. I try to tell Ethal that she doesn't want to go out because it's too cold or the wind is blowing to much. Sometimes that seems to help her calm down, but ya see... Ethal just wants to go home. The other day she was on a spree with the exit thing. I grabbed her wheelchair and even though Ethal is just a little thing she is mighty strong and determined. She turned and looked me straight in the eye and said "Damn it, let me go!", grabbed my hand off the back of her wheelchair and bite me. Of course it didn't hurt, but I was a bit shocked to see her reaction towards me like that. I just said "Now Ethal that wasn't very nice. I just don't want you to get lost or hurt." She just looked at me with her sad eyes. She is probably the second one that tears at my heart. Bill is another resident that makes me smile. He sings in the hall... loudly, may I add. Last week I heard him bellowing out "She'll be coming around the mountain when she comes....", I just smile as I sit at my desk and hear him singing. He has days where he'll wait by the front door and ask when his bus will come. Also suffering from Alzheimers, he believes that he'll be late for work. He tells how he won a Purple Heart when he was at war. I overheard him telling that story to the Human Resource Director and she took the time to stand there and listen and then thanked him for his time. He just smiled as he took her hand in his. Another day a tear rolled up in my eye.

So the other day I'm heading home, it was the weekend I had worked over to help the Administrator figure out the budgeted hours for 2007 and it's one day that I had the oppurtunity to see the Christmas lights they had put up at dusk. So I looked back at the front of the nursing home. The offices were dark, the front lobby was dark. I just stopped and the thoughts came to my mind of those residents. This is their life. They can't breath that deep sigh when the door closes upon them exiting. As I looked back at the facility I realized my freedom of life. I felt sad to be going home this time. The drive home was a bit longer than usual as I kept thinking how these residents spend their evenings, their weekends, their holidays.... how they will be spending Christmas.

I learned a lesson this Friday as I walked away from my workplace. I'm not going to stress over the gifts I'm able to buy, over whether the dinner turns out perfectly, whether the lights are strung to perfection or rather the ribbon on the gift matches the paper...... I'm going to enjoy the time I spend with my loved ones and treasure each and every moment I'm able to wake up Christmas morning in my bed beside my husband and help my little girl open her presents. I'm going to enjoy cooking dinner for my family, as I know they appreciate my effort. I'm going to smile as they open the gift, not because the ribbon matches the paper but because they know that gift was bought with love. The Christmas tree is lite with lights and glow only because of the love in my household, not because the lights are strung perfectly.

Savor the time you have with your loved ones this year, as one day you may find yourself alone and in a dark place where you can't awake to the Christmas you've enjoyed in the past... and it will be only then that you wish you would have taken the time to realize what Christmas is all about.

No Time

I knelt to pray but not for long,
I had too much to do.
I had to hurry and get to work
For bills would soon be due.
So I knelt and said a hurried prayer,
And jumped up off my knees.
My Christian duty was now done
My soul could rest at ease.....
All day long I had no time
To spread a word of cheer
No time to speak of Christ to friends,
They'd laugh at me I'd fear.
No time, no time, too much to do,
That was my constant cry,
No time to give to souls in need
But at last the time, the time to die.
I went before the Lord,
I came, I stood with downcast eyes.
For in his hands God held a book;
It was the book of life.
God looked into his book and said
"Your name I cannot find
I once was going to write it down...
But never found the time"
_______________________________________________________
A friend sent this to me today and I'm ashamed to say that it hit home probably more so than I wanted to realize. A lot of times I find myself saying these same things. "No Time" or "What would they think?". I mean I'm outspoken about my belief in Jesus, but I find that I lack to witness for him. A man that died for me. Seems that's the least I can do, doesn't it?
I post this only to hope that this makes you think as it did me today.

A Different Christmas Poem

The embers glowed softly, and in their dim light, I gazed round the room and I cherished the sight. My wife was asleep, her head on my chest,
My daughter beside me, angelic in rest.
Outside the snow fell, a blanket of white,
Transforming the yard to a winter delight.
The sparkling lights in the tree I believe,
Completed the magic that was Christmas Eve.

My eyelids were heavy, my breathing was deep,
Secure and surrounded by love I would sleep.
In perfect contentment, or so it would seem,
So I slumbered, perhaps I started to dream.
The sound wasn't loud, and it wasn't too near,
But I opened my eyes when it tickled my ear.
Perhaps just a cough, I didn't quite know,
Then the sure sound of footsteps outside in the snow.

My soul gave a tremble, I struggled to hear,
And I crept to the door just to see who was near.
Standing out in the cold and the dark of the night,
A lone figure stood, his face weary and tight.
A soldier, I puzzled, some twenty years old,
Perhaps a Marine, huddled here in the cold.
Alone in the dark, he looked up and smiled,
Standing watch over me, and my wife and my child.

"What are you doing?" I asked without fear,
"Come in this moment, it's freezing out there!
Put down your pack, brush the snow from your sleeve,
You should be at home on a cold Christmas Eve!"
For barely a moment I saw his eyes shift,
Away from the cold and the snow blown in drifts.
To the window that danced with a warm fire's light
Then he sighed and he said "Its really all right,
I'm out here by choice. I'm here every night."
"It's my duty to stand at the front of the line,
That separates you from the darkest of times.

No one had to ask or beg or implore me,
I'm proud to stand here like my fathers before me.
My Gramps died at 'Pearl on a day in December,
"Then he sighed, "That's a Christmas 'Gram always remembers.
"My dad stood his watch in the jungles of 'Nam',
And now it is my turn and so, here I am.

I've not seen my own son in more than a while,
But my wife sends me pictures, he's sure got her smile.
Then he bent and he carefully pulled from his bag,
The red, white, and blue... an American flag.

"I can live through the cold and the being alone,
Away from my family, my house and my home.
I can stand at my post through the rain and the sleet,
I can sleep in a foxhole with little to eat.
I can carry the weight of killing another,
Or lay down my life with my sister and brother.
Who stand at the front against any and all,
To ensure for all time that this flag will not fall."

"So go back inside," he said, "harbor no fright,
Your family is waiting and I'll be all right."
"But isn't there something I can do, at the least,
"Give you money," I asked, "or prepare you a feast?
It seems all too little for all that you've done,
For being away from your wife and your son."

Then his eye welled a tear that held no regret,
"Just tell us you love us, and never forget.
To fight for our rights back at home while we're gone,
To stand your own watch, no matter how long.
For when we come home, either standing or dead,
To know you remember we fought and we bled.
Is payment enough, and with that we will trust,
That we mattered to you as you mattered to us."

Betrayal of a friend....

I've had, what I would consider to be, five best friends in my lifetime....and today only two of them remain.

The first was one that I grew up with and so this friendship was kind of "passed along", per say. My mom and her mom were also the best of friends, so alas.... so did we turn out to be. Until high school. She got caught up in a group of people that I didn't feel comfortable around and then after my car accident and I couldn't "party" it up anymore... I became her pity friend. Not for me. I would say that started the end of our friendship. She and I still talked, still do. But nothing like before. There have been many reasons why I feel that friendship took a different route, too many to list really.

The second girl I worked with about 10 years ago (Gosh, I'm getting old). This was a different type of friendship. I was going through a real tough time in my life and held a lot of anger. I don't even really know why, but I did. She fed that too. Even though there were things I would get angry about, silly things, she would aide me and just get me more worked up. That friendship ended abruptly when she chose to believe a lie that someone had told her. Don't say you're my best friend and then choose to believe something you hear instead of confronting me.

The third was also a girl I worked with and even though we weren't real close at that time, she and I became better acquainted years later. Just recently she decided to end our friendship. Her reasons? She feels that since Joel has come she's been "on the backburner". Sorry. That's the way it should be. But I know why she feels this way. When I was with my ex-husband she and I would talk hours and hours on the phone about anything and everything..... just to avoid conversation or confrontation with him. She was about the only person who listened to me and wanted to hear what I had to say, I mean I had pretty much shut out everyone else after my mom died. Even though she and I were very close, there were some issues and beliefs that we didn't see eye to eye on. I won't go into detail, but I will say she respected me and never became obsessed with trying to make me see things her way. Let me just tell you the situation that happened with Melissa. So, of course I want her there at the wedding.... even though she wasn't as supportive as I felt she should have been when I told her Joel was moving to WV, I suppose as my friend she was worried. But being my friend, I felt that she shouldn't have questioned my judgement and respected me enough to back me up... even if it wouldn't have worked. I would have for her..... actually I did for her at one time. So our work schedules and lives took a different turn and we weren't able to talk as much as we used to. I didn't feel that changed our friendship, I mean surely she knew I was here for her if she needed to talk. So about a week before the wedding she and I spoke on the phone for a bit, the first real time either of us had that oppurtunity to catch up on things. Of course, I asked if she was going to be able to come to the wedding. She stressed that she wanted to but wasn't sure. Her fiance works out of town and with 3 kids, it's kind of hard to get coverage. I suppose this job has him out of town most of the time and they hardly get to spend any time at all together as a family. I thought about how I would feel if Joel worked out of town and I had to give up a day with him for a friends wedding... so a few days later I spoke with her again to see if she had a chance to see if she were going to be able to come. She still didn't know. At that point, I took the oppurtunity to stress to her that even though I would love for her to be there that I totally understood if she couldn't and that it was ok. The day before she and I spoke and she was going to come. I was happy, but then felt badly that she was going to be giving up a day to be with her kids and fiance just for the wedding. I mean, it's not like it was a huge wedding or anything. I asked her to phone me around 11:30 as the wedding began at 1. Of course with me getting ready and all, I knew that I wouldn't remember. It was 12:30 and I'm running late. My cell phone rings. It's Melissa. She's not even near the wedding destination and demands to know why I haven't called. I reminded her that she was supposed to call me and we would make arrangements to meet up. She became upset and kind of blew up at me telling me that I should want her there if she were my best friend and since Joel and I got together things have changed and she knew that this was coming. On my wedding day she does this??? I was upset, but there was no way that I was going to allow her to hurt me.... not today. She hung up on me. Later on our way home I got a message from her apologizing for the way she had behaved but pretty much in suttle words ending our friendship. I decided to sit down and write her a letter and also enclosing photos of the wedding and Faith. That was over a week ago. I even called her cell on Thanksgiving to wish her a Happy Thanksgiving. Still nothing. So, my third "best friendship" comes to an end..... why? Because I'm happy? I just don't get it.

I told Joel yesterday that I was done. It's hard enough for me to trust people, but then to trust them and be betrayed. The less people you trust, the less chance of being hurt.

I mentioned that I've had what I consider to have been five best friends in my life.... I've told you about the betrayl of three...... the only two left are the ones whom I trust the most never to have hurt or to hurt me..... my mother and my husband.

Friends? They aren't all their cracked up to be.......

Black Friday

There's no way I could NOT blog today. I have to take this oppurtunity to acknowledge my wonderful husband.

Since October and the first time I laid eyes on the new TMX Elmo, I knew that was... no, HAD TO BE... Faith's birthday gift this year. This lil guy was amazing. I mean, not only did he laugh when you tickled him but he rolls on the floor laughing AND gets up on his feet by himself. Oh yeah.... Made In China.... go figure? So for the past 2 months I've been calling WalMart and Toys R Us to see if they had gotten any in. When we stopped in Toys R Us at the beginning of November to get the boys thier gift cards, the girl said that they got a shipment of 60 dolls in that morning and by noon they were gone. Missed by about 6 hours. That's the closest I had gotten. Both Joel and I have been online numerous times and they haven't even been available online, aside from the cheap Ebay price of $150. Umm, no. Not when WalMart and Toys R Us have it advertised for $40. Joel spend an hour or two on the phone yesterday calling all the WalMart's in the area to see if they'd even have any today. No luck.

So I've been saying the past few weeks that the only way that little girl was gonna get this was for me to go out on "Black Friday". Oh yes. I've never... repeat... NEVER have been out on a Black Friday. I'm blonde, but not stupid. But this year, I was gonna do it for TMX Elmo. Then I got sick and wasn't sure I was gonna be able to go, so yesterday morning when I woke up and felt better I again mentioned doing the Black Friday thing and he says "I'll go". I about passed out. Thank God I was still laying in the bed. I thought "Come again. Did I hear that right?" I asked him to repeat. He did say what I thought I heard. I thought maybe the Steroid dosage they had given me was too high. I mean this is a man that HATES shopping. HATES it. Let alone on "Black Friday". So since he said he would go, I've reassured him that it's not something he had to do. He says, "I know, I want to."

The alarm goes off this morning at 4:15am. I hit snooze till about 4:45am. I roll outta bed and try to sneak in to get ready. I flipped on the light to find my clothes and he mutteres from under his blanket, "You be sure to wake me when your almost ready... promise?" I told him that I wasn't planning on getting spiffed up to go to Toys R Us and do some pushin and shovin and all I had to do was throw on some clothes, pull my hair up in a hat and slip on my shoes. He was up outta bed looking for clothes before I got outta the bathroom. To make a long story short....we not only got one TMX Elmo's, but two. We also were able to get the digital camera (a doorbuster item!). We set on a mission for two purchases and achieved both, plus a few extra side items (when you stand in the check-out line for an hour you seem to find things along the way).

After coming home he hopped on the computer to play his game, his wind down time. As I loaded the dishwasher with last nights crusty Thanksgiving dinner plates.... it was then I realized just how very lucky I was. I've always known how lucky I've been but I mean this man who I just married went..... not because he wanted to find anything special.... but because he didn't want me going alone and also wanted to play a part in finding this "special gift" for Faith.

There's not even any words I can think to express what today has meant for me, what he has made today mean for me. What he makes every day mean to me. Just when I think I can't possibly love him anymore than I do, I'm yet surprised again.

Happy Thanksgiving

This morning I awoke at 5:30am. After a day and a half of not feeling well, I laid there to see if I even wanted to take the chance of waking up. I rolled over to put my arm around him and realized that I was feeling much better than the day before. Much better. Going to bed early really had me a gumption to get up and get started, besides after sleeping half of my afternoon away I thought that since I felt better and had plenty of sleep that I could probably accomplish a lot. He too, rolled over and was awake.

As we laid there holding one another we laughed and joked around. I had told him a few weeks back that this holiday season was going to be much different than last year. He remembered that, he always remembers the things I say. I'm not used to that and it still surprises me when he reminds me of something I've said. I've never had that.... it's nice. He also reads me very well and pays attention. He notices things before I'm even aware they are apparent. Usually I try to deny it when he brings it up, but I'm forgetting that he's too smart and observant to fall for that. That too, still surprises me. He loves to awe me. He does it a lot.

So I got up out of bed and slipped on my slippers. Yes, I have no problem going to Go Mart in my PJ bottoms a T-shirt and slippers (fuzzy ones, at that). I was on a mission. I needed to get the sales paper for tomorrow's sales. The past 2 years I waited too long and didn't get one. This year.... I got one. Fuzzy slippers and all. Ya know as I'm standing there at the counter chatting with the little Go Mart girl, I realize that the holidays seem to make people a bit happy. Aside from the "shopping crowds". They seem to be more friendly, or at least that's my observance. So I headed out with my newspaper and decided to pick up breakfast and go home to conquer awakening my husband.

So, I'm home. Blaring the speakers with Rascal Flatts (I tried Ludacris and that didn't do it, so I've switched to a little twangy country) .... it's still not working. So, I'm sitting here listening to the music and thinking about how happy I am. I've never looked forward to the holidays like I have this year..... at least not since my Mom.

What am I thankful for? Everything. I'm thankful that my life is exactly like I've always dreampt it to be. There's nothing that could be different about it now to make it any more perfect than what it is. Not money, not material things.....nothing. I have everything I need and want.

Happy Thanksgiving to all my family and friends, with love.

Wedding 2006

A few photos of our special day....





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Little Girl Blue

Faith Ellen
October 2006
8 yrs old

Mrs. Joel Bailey

Wow. It's official. I'm finally carrying his last name.... and I gotta tell ya, it feels wonderful. My husband. God, I love that. He's absoultely made me the happiest woman in the world!

The ceremony was beautiful and surprisingly I didn't shed a tear. I was so happy that I think I was beyond tears. I cried earlier that day while waiting to get my hair done, but other than that. All smiles. I was a bit concerned because on the drive to the Falls, it started pouring down the rain. We pull down into the parking lot and it stopped completely. It didn't start up again until we were on the back of the pickup truck. Ummmm, yes.... you read correctly. We drove out of the park on the back of the park rangers pick up truck. He said that he's done 266 weddings and this is the first time the groom and bride hopped in the back of his truck to ride out. Hey, we had to make some type of impression on him. He'll remember the "Bailey's" alright. It was wonderful. We already have pictures back, but haven't had the chance to scan over them yet. I'll post them once they are scanned by my husband. Oh yes, if you could just see this smile as I type those words.

Mrs. Lori Bailey

It was like it was all made to go together.

My Prayer

FOOTPRINTS IN THE SAND
One night a man had a dream. He dreamed he was walking along the beach with the Lord. Across the sky flashed scenes from his life. For each scene, he noticed two sets of footprints in the sand; one belonged to him, and the other to the Lord.When the last scene of his life flashed before him, he looked back at the footprints in the sand. He noticed that many times along the path of his life there was only one set of footprints. He also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times in his life.This really bothered him and he questioned the Lord about it. "Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you, you'd walk with me all the way. But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life there is only one set of footprints. I don't understand why, when I needed you most, you would leave me."The Lord replied, " My precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you."
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Sometimes I feel like a child lost. The most important thing in a child's life is the love of a parent. I had that love growing up from my Mom. There wasn't a day that went by that I didn't know in my heart that she loved me, even the days that I didn't deserve to be loved. Her love was a given.

The other night I broke down, I hate doing that. I'm the happiest I've ever been with him and I never want him to think he doesn't do that for me, but lately I've been struggling. I just wish she could be here for this. I wish she could see what she's wanted for me has finally come true. He consols me as I cry in his arms. His tears show how much he cares, as he cries because I cry. There's nothing more I could want at this time....nothing, except her presence.

I prayed the other night. The first time probably since she's been gone. Know what I prayed for? To see her again, just once.... in my dreams. I've dreampt about her only twice since she's died. The first time was within the week of her passing. All I could see was her face. Her face was so close to mine and she had her brilliant smile. She was so happy. I woke up finding myself reaching out for her and weeping. It was like she was right there. What I got from that dream was her telling me she was happy. No more pain, no more crying. She was "home".
The second dream of her was much more in detail, Joel and I had already become so close and shared so much. You'll see the importance of me saying that in a bit.
When I awoke, I immediately wrote down the dream..... sometimes after a dream I forget it. I couldn't forget this. I dreampt of my ex-husband and her in a car, she and I in the front seat... he in the back. She drove a block and then stopped and told him it's time. He got out of the car and we continued to drive. She and I talked, but the conversation was unclear to me. Next we were in a mall looking at mirrored clocks. I woke up in tears. I remember fighting myself to try and fall back asleep, just so I can see her again. Now, I don't know how true the dream dictionarys are, but I knew that there had to be some meaning. Out of desperation I searched for an answer. I searched an online dream dictionary.

I looked for the key words from my dream. Mom, ex-husband, car, mall, mirrors, clocks. This were the results:
~To see your mother in your dream, represents the nurturing aspect of your own character. Mothers offer shelter, comfort, life, guidance and protection.
~To see your ex-husband/wife in your dream, indicates that you are finding yourself in a situation that you do not want to be in. It suggests that you are experiencing a similar relationship or situation which makes you feel unhappy and uncomfortable. Alternatively, seeing your ex in your dream also signifies aspects of yourself that you have x'd out or neglected.
~To dream that you are riding in an automobile, signifies that even in pleasant situations, you will still be restless and uneasy. Whether you are driving the car or a passenger, is indicative of of your active role or passive role in your life. Overall, this dream symbol is an indication of your dependence and degree of control you have on your life.
~To dream that you are at the mall, represents your attempts in making a favorable impression on someone.
~To see your own reflection in the mirror, suggests that you are pondering thoughts about your inner self. The reflection in the mirror is how you perceive yourself or how you want others to see you. You may be contemplating on strengthening and changing aspects of your character.
~To see a clock in your dream, signifies the importance of time or that time is running out. You may be feeling some anxiety of not being on top of things. Your mind may be preoccupied with a deadline that you have to meet or some other time-sensitive issue. It is time for you to tread on and speed up your actions. Alternatively, clocks are representative of death, especially if the clock has stopped. This is a common theme for the terminally ill or the dying. A clock seen in your dream may also symbolize the ticking of the human heart and thus is indicative of the emotional side of your life.

This is what I got from that dream..... She was telling me it was time for me to move on.

And so I did.

Now as I think back on that dream it amazes me what an affect it had. All the times that I failed to take my Mother's advice and then after she's gone to just have it again..... just once. I truely believe that's what the dream was about. Her giving me advice about where I was at that time in my life. Her loving hands guiding me.......

I've always said I believe that my Mom had a hand in Joel and I meeting. Now that I think back on the dream, I believe it even more. So, yes.... not only is he the the best thing that's happened to me, my "dream come true". But he's also the one my Mother led me to. Right into his arms, the safest place I've felt since she's held me.

I'm tired of being angry with God. His hand was also in the happiness I have today, I've never doubted that. Joel says all I need to do is talk to him..... so I hope he still hears me.

"I'm sorry for blaming you, but I've felt that you took my best friend... the only person that ever really truly loved me. Now I come to you to say I'm sorry. I'm sorry for being angry with you all this time. I'm sorry for only seeing what you could have done and not what you've done. I give my heart to you, yet again. I only hope that you will take it and forgive me for this anger that I've been carrying. Thank you for everything you've helped me get through, for the strength I've had to get through things that I know in my heart I couldn't have gotten through without you. And even though you've taken Mom "home"..... you've yet blessed me again with Joel. The love that I lost you've given back to me... in him. I'm sorry for not talking to you. I know the happiness in my life is all because of you. Thank you for blessing me, yet again. I love you. Amen."

My Rainbow

There have been days lately that I've missed my Mom more than ever. As I plan for our wedding, I wish I had her here to help me make decisions and ask her advice. I wish so badly that she were here to see how happy he makes me. It's not until I met him that I've felt the true and honest love that my mother gave to me.

I recently heard a song by Christina Aguilera and the words in a few verses really hit home for me.
I share:

There's nothing I wouldn't do
To hear your voice again
Sometimes I want to call you but I know you won't be there

Would you tell me I was wrong?
Would you help me understand?
Are you looking down upon me?
Are you proud of who I am?
There's nothing I want to do
To have just one more chance
To look into your eyes and see you looking back

If I had just one more day, I would tell you how much that
I've missed you since you've been away
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This isn't the entire song, but then again the entire song doesn't apply to the feelings I have of missing my Mom. I also recently came across a poem that hits home.

Missing Mamma
by Corky Ferguson

The sun came up this morning;
It wasn't very bright.
My dark mood casts a shadow;
It's hard to see the light.

We all have just one mother
And, now that her life on earth is done,
The emptiness and loss I feel
Make it hard to see the sun.

Tomorrow is a brand new day;
May the pain and sadness lighten.
I will remember all her love,
And then the sky will brighten.

Gone is not forgotten;
Her love remains behind;
She's traveled in a new direction -
Love knows no space or time.

I will always love her.
She will care for me from above.
She will send me starlight and rainbows
To remind me of her love.
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She sent me my sun, my rainbow in him. He brings the light and the color back into the world that was dark after she was gone. He is the rainbow through the dark clouds. I miss her so much.... but now it's a bit easier when he holds me and looks into my eyes and I not only hear the words "I love you", but I feel them like I've never felt but only from the love of my mother. Thank you Mom for sending him my direction..... he's saved me more than he'll ever know.

Photos: The Beginning

Over the summer we purchased a used digital camera. I've always been somewhat interested in photography, but over the summer I found it to become more interesting. I went home from work one evening and told Joel about a gal at work that was selling her digital camera & all the accessories for $100. He and I agreed that it would be a purchase worth itself. He was, and is, very supportive of my interest in photography and that's one of the many things I love about the man.
Unlike him, I don't really have what you would call "hobbies". My hobby pretty much sums up as "blogging" and Faith. He, on the other hand, has several. I like that about him too. The things that interest him are way beyond anything I could ever even try.... art (drawing & digital graphics... of which he exceeds beyond awesome) and writing are just two of the things he enjoys spending his time doing. I so love his dedication, it's so attractive about him. I even enjoy just watching him work, as he's doing now. His concentration and dedication amaze me. He just recently taught me a few basics of Adobe Photoshop. Wow, how much fun I had learning that! Not to mention the attraction to my teacher :)
So, I thought I'd share some of the photos I've taken with our digital camera since we've gotten it. Go ahead..... critque all you want, that's why the comment section is there. But go easy, I'm a sensitive gal....

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The Neighborhood:








The "Hood" after the sun sets:

Saturday Road Trip

Last weekend Joel had to head out of town on business. I tagged along with he and his boss and even though I had no clue of the conversation that occured (nor did I pay much attention...you know, computer talk) I loved being with him and being able to watch him as he "did business". I was able to snap these pictures on the way down and back from Beckeley.

(The last one is one where my "hottie teacher" showed me a lil something with the photoshop thing!)
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"I Do"

These are a few photos of where we'll be getting married....NEXT WEEK!!
November 11, 2006

It's beautiful and peaceful...as is the love he and I share.
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Our Summer Romantic Getaway Adventure

Some other photos which I took over the summer on our Romantic Summer Getaway Adventure!
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Time to be "sirius"

You know every once in awhile I need to do a reality check. Step back..... look, think, and appreciate.

Yesterday morning Joel had to drive out of town, still in WV granted, but good Lord to a place I had never heard of. Poor thing. One way trip was 2 hrs. I worried. That was a given, I'll always do that. So by 2pm I was in a bit of a panic because I hadn't heard from him. Of course the most horrible thoughts were running through my mind. Car accident, broke down.... ya know, Anxiety. I seriously think I may need to look into medication. I've always been this way for as far back as I can remember. Makes me wonder.

So, finally he gets back into town and he sends me a text that he is at Wal-Mart looking at a Sirius radio. He's mentioned looking into getting one since he's on the road and in a lot of areas where he just can't pick up a good radio station. Not that there are many good radio stations in WV anyway. Most of them play honky tonk, but we won't elaborate on that :)

I give him a call and he tells me that he's went ahead and bought one. I'm thinking "Ok, good. Now he'll have radio no matter where he goes." He meets me after work and hands me over his paycheck (go ahead ladies, envy away). We've been trying to plan this wedding and even though it's not going to be anything fancy we still have purchases we need to make. My dress, his tux, flowers, preacher, and let's not forget the most important..... HONEYMOON!!!! He's so excited about this radio! He's so cute when he gets this excited about something, I love it. So he heads home to "set it up" and I head to the bank. I stopped at a little store to pick up a few things and then home. He meets me at the car and says "This thing cost more to activate than what I thought.", and just gives me a look. Hard to describe really, kinda like little puppy dog eyes. He tells me the it cost $166. Ok. I'm a little confused. It's $166 including the $50 for the system? He says no.... it's $166 in addition to the $50. My jaw dropped, I do believe. I'm not much on understanding all this technical crap.... hell, I still don't have a clue what a friggin iPod does???

I didn't become angry, not at all. A little frustrated, I believe. But not angry. Of course the first thoughts running through my mind is... no dress, no tux, no honeymoon, no wedding. Hence the reason why I think I may need medication, see? He says to me, "We have 3 days to cancel without any kind of obligations. I can call them back and cancel the service and then in a month, two, or three call back to activate it." Now at that very moment I remember that excited look in his eyes when he showed up at work with his little toy. Boys and their toys, eh? I tell him no, to go ahead and leave it that there's no use in having something and not even being able to use it. So I immediately sit down to do up our checkbook and see what's coming out and what bills HAVE to be paid. He comes into the Living Room 3 or 4 times with this worried look on his face. I make a few calls... the insurance company, the phone company... to confirm the least amount we can pay to continue with service. Now granted, I was planning on making these calls anyway, had nothing to do with his radio. He kept reminding me each time he came into the Living Room that he had 3 days to cancel, he was so cute. The bottom line didn't look as bad as what I thought it was going to look, so I told him that it was fine with me to go ahead with it and that we were going to be ok. I did mention to him the next time either one of us go out and spend $200 that we should check with the other person first. He agreed, but then reminded me about my little shopping spree when he was in South Dakota. Ouch, that hurt. But ya know, he was absolutely right.

This morning as I look at his desk and see that little radio sitting there I just gotta stop and think..... he works so hard, never wants anything. He's content with the car he drives, the clothes he wears, packed lunch with ham sandwiches 5 days a week.... and I acted like a schmuck on impulse when he told me how much this thing was. Now this is a wonderful man, not a man out blowing money on strip clubs, gambling, booze, or drugs... but a man that works hard every day and just hands his check over to me to pay bills and buy what our family needs. How could have I reacted the way I did? I'm embarressed about my reaction. I have an absolute wonderful man who is dependable and sensible. Time to step back..... look, think and appreciate.

Time to be sirius.

The Sesame Street Personality Quiz

You Are Ernie

Playful and childlike, you are everyone's favorite friend - even if your goofy antics get annoying at times.
You are usually feeling: Amused - you are very easily entertained
You are famous for: Always making people smile. From your silly songs to your wild pranks, you keep things fun.
How you view your life: With ease. Life is only difficult when your friends won't play with you

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Ok, I'm officially hooked. There are so many cool things on this website!!!!!

How Sinful Are You?

Your Deadly Sins

Envy: 80%
Sloth: 20%
Gluttony: 0%
Greed: 0%
Lust: 0%
Pride: 0%
Wrath: 0%

Chance You'll Go to Hell: 14%

You will die a boring death. While dying, you will be jealous of those who die dramatic deaths.
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LOL. Cool link. I needed to laugh.

http://www.blogthings.com/howsinfulareyouquiz/

Jealousy?

I just got done reading an article, written by a male, about jealousy. What I like to refer to, in my case, as low self-esteem. Yeah yeah.... jealousy is the bottom line. I don't know, for me it comes naturally, like I don't even have to struggle with the thoughts. They just roll into my mind naturally, without any effort on my part. This article, though cleverly written by a male, kind of brings light the jealousy a lot of us struggle with...... and those wonderful partners that put up with it.

He writes:

A Suspicious Letter

Diane left some letters on the kitchen counter for me to mail, as she always does, and as I walked down the steps I quickly looked through them, as I always do. Among the endless bills was a hand-addressed envelope to a man at an address I didn't recognize in another state.

I thought for a second about asking Diane who he was, but I didn't want to appear, y'know, suspicious. So instead I went down to my office and acted suspicious, searching the name and address on the Internet. I finally found him on a government scientific Web site. And while I tried not to jump to any conclusions, I couldn't get my mind to stop considering the possibility...

Is my wife cheating on me with an algae researcher?

I wrote down the name and address on a Post-it (easier to eat if I had to destroy the evidence), mailed the mail, and went about my business. For the next two days I thought about how to bring this up to Diane. Then I got an e-mail. It was from the researcher. Oh my god. I clicked it open and there was just one sentence:

"Did you get the swizzle sticks yet?"

That mystery letter? A check Diane had written for something I forgot that I'd bought on eBay.

Okay, I'm an idiot. I'm also a jealous guy. Always have been. Probably always will be. If nearly 20 years of marriage to a woman who loves and completes me hasn't cured me, nothing will.

Jealousy is one of the few emotions that husbands have always been expected to express. Unfortunately, most of us express it really badly -- often for absolutely no good reason, and sometimes with disastrous consequences. It might be the only emotion that wives wish husbands would suppress.

After the swizzle stick episode, I started asking my basketball buddies about jealousy -- what Shakespeare called "the green-eyed monster which doth mock the meat it feeds on." (I didn't mention Shakespeare specifically because I didn't want anyone to throw the ball at my head. It was bad enough I was asking them to admit they actually had feelings.)

I was most interested to hear from one guy because I knew he and his wife had just entered a scenario rife with betrayal possibilities. After many years of being home with their kids, his wife took a job at a small company with a lot of younger single people. I was at a party recently where I saw her with some of her new male colleagues. They flocked around her, almost flirtatiously, I thought. It actually made me feel a little jealous on my buddy's behalf.

So I was amused by the way my friend denied the role of jealousy in his marriage. "Not as big a deal now as it was 20 years ago," he said, "but I've always had more to be jealous about than my wife, because she is a first-class flirt." Then he added, a bit irritably, as if the facts were irrefutably in his favor: "Look, her coworkers are all much younger and/or gay. And the one person she is hanging out with lots is 10 years younger, with a pregnant wife."

Oh, okay. Good thing you're not feeling threatened. And, of course, guys never cheat on their pregnant wives.

Why I'm a Jealous Guy

How he stays calm I don't know. I get jealous over much less. I'm not what experts call "morbidly jealous" -- I don't get aggressive or have much of a temper. But I do feel more jealous than any happily married man should. And it comes out in all kinds of little ways I'm embarrassed to admit. Besides occasionally checking out the mail (or, okay, the cell phone bill), I definitely do the "husbandly hover." I pay a little too much attention to whom Diane talks with at parties, remaining far enough away to be inconspicuous but close enough to stealthily intercede in any conversation that seems suspiciously long.

Why do husbands do this kind of stuff? During our first few years together I believed my actions were well-founded responses to something real -- perhaps a carryover from fighting off other suitors to win Diane's hand. Like many husbands, I felt I had married someone way better than I deserved and needed to diligently protect myself against losing her. I still feel that way and can see how Diane attracts people: She's smart and disarmingly funny and, at 50, still turns heads (sometimes all the way around) in just a T-shirt and jeans.

But I have also come to understand that most of my jealousy is unfounded and unprovoked -- something I brought into the marriage, like that ugly brown sleeper sofa.

According to social scientists, husbands and wives are jealous in different ways: Supposedly, men care more about sexual fidelity and women care more about emotional fidelity. And, in a more important sociological indicator -- bad movie dialogue -- it is usually "did you sleep with him?" versus "do you love her?"

Now, I've always been troubled by this notion that men care more about possessing women than loving them, treating them like toys that nobody else can play with, while women will overlook sexual indiscretions as long as he loves her best (Lori adds: Are these women idiots?? "Like hell", that's all I'm gonna say on this remark!!!). So I'm glad to report that recent studies show jealousy is becoming a more equal-opportunity obsession. Men are now scoring as more emotionally jealous than ever before, and women as more sexually jealous (Lori adds again: I must be a raging lunatic, they both sound horrid to me). Our worst relationship fears have all begun to even out. This could mean men are learning to love more or that women have finally wised up about the old "I slept with her but it didn't mean anything" line, or both.

As for us, I consider myself lucky that after 20 years together my wife is still kind of flattered by how possessive I can be. Even now Diane recalls as "funny and cute" how, during our courtship, I used to show up "coincidentally" at restaurants where she was dining with friends. ("Funny and cute?" a friend of ours gasped when she later heard about my extreme wooing. "He was a stalker!")

When I recently fessed up to Diane about the algae researcher incident, she found it "hilariously touching." I guess that's because she appreciates the upside of jealousy in a marriage. And no matter how many times she has to deal with me waiting up for her like some '60s sitcom dad on the few nights she goes out with the girls, I can think of only one thing worse for our relationship.

And that would be if I stopped being so jealous.

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It's funny and oh so true. Sad to think I have this in common with the male species (or at least some of the male species). It's like you don't even look for things, then BOOM. They hit like a brick wall. I guess for people like me, little things that really mean nothing turn into meaning a whole lot more. It gnaws at you, or, at least it does me.

"Oh great. Here it comes again. Brace yourself. Hurt. There's something your not saying or doing right, or something or somebody you're not or never will be. Way to go. Well, what else did you expect, eh? It lasted longer then what you could have hoped for."

Even though the article brings a smile about jealousy, the feelings I feel do not.

Yeah, I hate this about me.

Ixnay on the Amadray

After the last few posts, you just gotta wonder what's gonna be next. Well great news! No more drama. So.... I, ummmmm, had a moment or two. Geesh already. You know what the Bible says, don't ya? "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone". Yeah, now that's what I'm talkin' about!

Now we will tune you into our regularly scheduled program "The REAL Blog"

Ahem. Glad that's all behind us now....... moving on.

One More Day

To everyone who's lost someone they love
Long before it was their time
You feel like the days you had were not enough
when you said goodbye
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This is the first verse in a song I recently heard from Third Day.
The chorus continues:

When your lonely
And it feels like the whole world is falling on you
You just reach out, you just cry out to Jesus
Cry to Jesus
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There are times in my life that I feel betrayed by Him. I know He loves me, and I love Him. Feeling betrayed doesn't change my belief in Him or my love for Him, but it also doesn't erase the emptiness and hurt.

He knew this:
She was my rock. She was my heart. She was my best friend. She's the only person in my life that I knew would love me, no matter what. She was always there for me when I needed her. She held me. She rocked me. She loved me until the hurt was gone, no matter how long it took. She was there through the worst times in my life.
It's now I wish she were here to see that I get that from him, I wish she were here with me for the happiest time in my life.

I'm getting married next month. To a wonderful man. To a man I know in my heart she would love. She would be so happy for me. I wish she were here for it. I wish she were here to fix my hair, to hug me and tell me how happy she is for me. I wish she were here to tell me how beautiful I am (she was partial like that). I can see her face now. I can see her smile thru tears of happiness, and all for her little girl. I just wish she were here. I miss her so much. I'm the happiest I've ever been but out of everything I have, if I had one wish?
it would be

One More Day.

Last night I had a crazy dream;
A wish was granted just for me,
It could be for anything.

I didn't ask for money
Or a mansion in Malibu.
I simply wished, for one more day with you.

One More Day.
One more time.
One more sunset, maybe I'd be satisfied.
But then again,
I know what it would do;
Leave me wishing still, for one more day with you.

One More Day.

First thing I'd do, is pray for time to crawl.
I'd unplug the telephone,
And keep the TV off.
I'd hold you every second,
Say a million I love you's.
That's what I'd do, with one more day with you.

One More Day.
One more time.
One more sunset, maybe I'd be satisfied.
But then again, I know what it would do;
Leave me wishing still, for one more day with you.

One More Day.
One more time.

One more sunset, maybe I'd be satisfied.

But then again, I know what it would do;
Leave me wishing still, for one more day with you

Leave me wishing still, for One More Day
Leave me wishing still, for One More Day
Leave me wishing still, for One More Day with you.

One More Day.

By: Diamond Rio
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I wish you were her mommy. I'm in love, I'm happy...what you've always wanted me to be. I wish I could feel your arms around me...that "mommy hug" you gave so well. Just once more.

I love you Mom.

Productivity Rocks!

Ok, I'm lonely....thus the reason why I'm a blogging fool the past couple of days.

Earlier I said that there was no way anything is getting done till I get a nap. Well I got a second wind and actually sitting down to take a break hoping that a third wind whirls my way. I got so much done today!!!! YAY for me!!! Got the entire ceiling painted in the bedroom, got the dining room table stained and varnished and currently I'm working on the walls. Oh yes...let's not forget the shopping trip. Joel will learn to go out of town....it's his fault I've spent so much money!!! Eh, had to try to lay the blame somewhere!

I'm yawning. This is NOT good. I wanted to at least have the bedroom done and was actually hoping for the dining room as well. I'm not going to be able to do much in the morning cuz I gotta be outta here by 1pm, possibly no later than 1:30pm. His flight lands at 3:55pm. Hmmm, let's calculate shall we? 15 hrs and 10 min!!! Woo Hoo...less than 24 hrs!!! Alrighty then, that's what I needed for that third wind.....

I'm outta here

Agenda

So after my "drama" last night I tried so hard to go to sleep and couldn't. I kept waking up to look at the time. Joel said he would call after he and his brothers got done shooting pool.

At one point I drifted off but then dreampt that the phone had rang. I remember holding it up to my ear (I fell asleep with it in my hand) and saying how glad I was that he called and asked if he had a good time. Nothing. It wasn't until I checked the caller ID that I realized he hadn't called at all. It was almost 6am and to be honest with you I was starting to worry...surprise, surprise. It's not like him to say that he would call and then doesn't.

So, I called. Left a message for him asking that he call me. His cell phone service out there was not good. I called once more as I started to drift off this time a bit more emotional about not hearing from him. He ended up calling at exactly 6am (which would be 4am SD time). We talked till around 8am (ahhh, just like the good old days) and he told me all about his day. I love listening to him talk, it's like music to my ears.

Tim picks Faith up around 3pm today and I had a plan. Notice I said "had". My plan was to finish up unpacking and making the place look as close to a home as I can, I had an agenda. Not that I won't work on it but I gotta tell ya it's not gonna be as soon as Faith leaves. I've got to get in a nap or I'll be useless. For me to nap during the day is rare, very rare. Gives the indication that I've been putting myself under a lot of stress, I say I've been putting myself under stress because there's no reason for me to be like this when he's only away for 3 days. Well...2 days, 19 hrs and 3 min. Whaaaat? The past few days it seems while I'm sleeping is the only time my stomach doesn't hurt.

I knew that I would miss him, but come on now....this is pathetic.

One more day.....actually 28hrs and 3 minutes.
No. I'm not counting down or anything....
Honest.

Why Do I Do This?

Sometimes I'm so ambivalent that I end up doing things I'm sorry for. Then my insides hurt so bad that I become emotional and the thoughts begin to roll.

I was going to write about how I'm feeling right now....but I can't even explain it.

Something is wrong with me. It's not normal to worry this much that it makes you sick inside. I don't even know why I'm crying.

It's ridiculous to be this way.

I've got to stop thinking.....it's time to go to bed.

The Hardest Goodbye

3 days. Doesn't seem like a long time, does it? Nope, not long at all.

Till I saw this in my rear-view mirror.

Pittsburgh National Airport. The last time I saw this was almost a year ago, on October 30, 2005. What I consider to be the first day of the rest of my life.

It was on a Saturday. I remember this because I worked that Saturday. I had traded off a day or two so I could move and get the new place ready for his arrival. I hardly slept a wink Friday night. I was a nervous wreck, but at the same time the excitement was overwhelming.

For those of you who don't know.....here's the story.

Joel and I met online. Not a dating service, but in a chat room. Believe me, neither of us were looking for a relationship. I was to the point of giving up any kind of hope for being in love and he's told me that he felt the same. So, we actually started chatting about the opposite sex (for him, women...for me, men). We laughed because even though we were belittling the opposite human anatomy, we were doing this as man to woman and woman to man. I don't know. I guess you had to be there to appreciate the humor.

We became close, fast. Talked about everything. Laugh. Oh God, how he made me laugh. And I think that's just one of his traits that I find the most attractive. No kidding, I would (and still do) be doing something and just all of a sudden something he said (or did) came to mind and I'd laugh aloud. Not just a smile, but actual laughter. Oh yes, his humor,personality and especially his heart were what nailed me...hook, line and sinker.

Chatting turned to phone conversations and ahh ....the phone conversations. I wish I could have recorded them and played them back to listen to years later. One night, this is no lie, we talked on the phone from about 10pm till about 6am. I didn't even sleep that night. I got off the phone with him, hopped in the shower and floated to work. He was on my mind constantly. The things he would share, his stories, the way he listened to me, the way he made me laugh. I have to smile thinking about those days, but little did I know at that time just how lucky I would soon become.

Things became serious. It got to the point that he's all I thought about and when I didn't hear from him I missed him, more than I had ever missed any man. I don't even recall how the idea of him moving here started. I believe I kept throwing it out to him in a teasing way and soon it became a decision that both of us made. Being together is what we wanted.

So after work at 4pm on October 30, 2005 I drove to Pittsburgh National Airport to pick up my future. It's funny because I can remember him saying that he was flying to West Virginia to "claim his prize". I still smile thinking about how when he said that, it melted me. I don't even remember the drive to Pittsburgh. It's a wonder I didn't get lost! Seriously. I remember nothing about the drive. I remember playing "our" music and being very excited. The nerves set in when I stood at the bottom of four sets of escalators not knowing which one he was going to come down. I glanced from one, to another, to the other, and to the last...over and over again. Watching legs slowly come down until I saw the face. He came down the escaltor which was the farthest. I knew it was him even from that distance. His tall stature and stride took my breathe away.

He walked right up to me, we spoke and he smiled. I swear I could have melted in my shoes at that moment! He embraced me and gave me a hug that sent chills. Literally. I swear I could not stop shaking. He still talks about that today, how I shook in his arms as we stood there in the airport. I tried to stop, I swear. Nobody has ever had that kind of effect on me. Ever!

That was the first day of my life.

Yesterday was the hardest goodbye I've ever had to say. Leaving that airport without him. Looking back in my rear-view mirror and knowing that there could be a possiblility that I may never see him again. I watched the shows on 9/11 and how those wives lost their husbands. How the last call from him will be a haunting memory in their mind forever. The tears they cry because they've lost him. Oh God, I can't even begin to imagine. Looking in the bedroom and not seeing him, not hearing him, smelling him or being able to touch him. Just the thought of it makes my heart ache.

The house is quiet tonight. I don't like it. God I miss him already. I miss hearing the little beeps that come from his Star Trek game (even though I moan about him playing it all the time). Watching him play with that sexy little patch of hair below his lower lip when he really concentrates on something. I miss hearing him call me baby. I miss his hug...he gives the best hugs. I miss being able to walk by him and touch him...rub his shoulder, scratch his back, touch his face.

3 days?
Yes. 3 days is a long time when your missing the one thing that you've waited for your entire life.

Have You Ever?

I'm typically not one to be able to share my feelings and it seems at times when I do, I usually become fumbled with words and it seems to come out all wrong. I often use music to express my mood, my emotions, my feelings. It's an easy way to let someone know how I feel without tripping over words. I wish it were easier for me to talk to the people I love, but I believe my past has made me grown to forget how to do that. Or, better yet...if it were like a blog. I sit and think and if I type something that has come out wrong, just backspace or delete and re-word it. Maybe that's why I tend to come here when I'm feeling so strongly about something.

So here I am.

I sat in the living room last night trying to think of a song to express love. Yes, there are many. But a song that expresses the kind of deep love where the least little thing seems to tear your world apart. All day yesterday I was upset with myself for letting one little thing hurt me so badly. I didn't know why it hurt so badly and actually at some point in my day I told myself..."Self"...yes, I actually say it like this..."You have got to be insane to allow something like this upset you this badly. Get over it. It's stupid and you expect too much. If you keep expecting like this, what you have will be taken away." Yeah. That didn't help. Now I had thoughts of loosing what I had. And as much as I fought myself yesterday I still struggled with wondering why this hurt so bad. I didn't know. I was angry that I was hurting and didn't understand why.

Have You Ever?

As I sat there on the couch hearing Elmo sing his Elmo song (I've learned to block it so it's heard and not listened to), this song came to mind. I did a search and found a link so hear the song and to read the words. You know express feelings with music.

http://www.minibite.com/romance/haveyouever.htm

Even though there are parts of the song that doesn't reflect my feelings, the chorus she sings expresses the love and how strong and deeply I feel.......well, love. I've never had this and I suppose this is the reason little things do what they do. Maybe this is why I also seem to "wait for the other shoe to drop". I never in my life imagined having this kind of love. I've never in my life felt this song before like I do now. I always wondered why someone would sing a song like this when today I can understand. Like I said, not every word in this song applies to me, but it's the passion and the emotion that I feel when I think about the love I have for him.

Baby I don't tell you enough how much you mean to me. I love you with everything I am. I may not be able to always express to you my feelings in a way that you will understand, but I do promise you that I will continue to try. Thank you for your love, your understanding, your patience, and for these feelings I wake up to every morning. Thank you for showing me how love is supposed to feel. I will treasure it always just as I will treasure you always.

With a love so strong, words cannot express.

You are my rock, my support, my refuge....you are my life.
Now and forever, you have my heart. Completely and in whole.

Silhouette

I love this photo. I love how the tree silhouettes against the sunset sky. Photography is amazing, isn't it? Captures the moment just as you remember it.

Our memory does the same. Even though we may not have a photo to hold in our hands to help us remember those special times in our lives, our memory serves us that purpose.

My loved ones are the silhouette against my sunset. It is them who silhouette my sky at the end of a long day. When I go home to them, it takes my day away. And as it should. When I come home I can feel the burden of the day slowly fade away. No matter how hard my day has been feeling that feeling of love and safety brings me to relax. Sometimes it doesn't come across that my home does that for me, but it does. For the first time, home is home. Home is the place I want to be.

And when home is special, as my home is to me, then even while away....the thought of home can relax and make you feel love.

What To Do?

Ever feel that there's nothing that you can do that will possibly be enough? Ever feel that hurt that your loved one is feeling would be easier if you could feel it instead? I mean just take it away so you don't see them in pain anymore. That's how I feel tonight.

Joel found out this afternoon that his Grandfather passed. I had to tell him. I have to say that's probably the hardest thing I've had to say to anyone, especially to the man I love. I just keep replaying it in my mind wishing I had done one thing or the other differently. Maybe it would have helped him deal with it better if I had. I tried to give him a "It's ok, I'm here" smile, but I'm not sure it came across the way I intended it. I know. Nothing can possibly make something like this better, I guess I just wish I could do something to take his pain. I've never felt that before. Just to see him hurting....I wish it were me. The passing of a loved one, whether your close to them or not, is very deeply felt. I know, I've been there. The passing of my Papaw and Mamaw hurt, but I didn't even know what was yet to come until I dealt with the passing of my Mother. I'm not even sure if I've really dealt with it yet today.

All I can do is be there for him. Be here to hold him, to listen to him, to support him. I only know this because it's what I wish I would have had when I lost Mom. I know I can't take his pain, God knows I wish I could. If I could, I would in a heartbeat. I would rather it be me hurting right now.

So what to do? Nothing. Just be here when he reaches out. When he needs a hug. When he needs to know he has someone.

You have someone baby. I will always be here for you. I know I can't make it go away, but I will be right there....in your heart....always.

I love you.

Those Eyes

You know that look and you’ve seen those eyes;
The discreetly blunt stare from a passer-by.

That look can sometimes bring tears to your eyes;
And other times anger, though it can make you wise.

That studying look with those questioning eyes;
That are filled with so much curiousity and surprise.

They want to ask questions and some of them do;
They cannot comprehend for it’s so very new.

So they stare in their quiet and questioning gaze;
As you hurt even deeper in your own private ways.

For your pain is so real and you hurt deep inside;
It’s a pain without question you don’t easily hide.

It’s a journey, a process and it seems to come slow;
It’s a struggle of emotions but the pain will soon go.

You will learn how to look at those questioning eyes;
Without all the hurt...without all the whys.

For it comes from within that you change in your ways;
And it comes with much time and with practice each day.

So give yourself time and the space that you need;
As time is the key and Faith is the seed.

There will come a day when you soon realize;
How to look up and smile at those questioning eyes.
___________________________________________________________________

Being the mother of a special needs child sure has a lot of emotional struggles, as we seem to live in our child's world. For me, I have no other children so Faith's development for me is "normal". That is, until we go outside of "Faith's world" then I realize just how delayed she is. I watch children her age run and play and that hurts, but I think seeing reactions from others can hurt the most. What you read above was written by a mother of a special needs child....it's the look of strangers that sometimes wants us to remain in our child's world and not explore the "outside world". At least in "Faith's world" she doesn't get "Those Eyes".

Love's Miracle

Miracles occur naturally as expressions of love. The real miracle is the love that inspires them. In this sense everything that comes from love is a miracle.
- Marianne Williamson

Love like wine, bitter against my lips

Softly lean forward, gently give you a kiss

Tangled together in arms, and tasting of you

Taking and owning everything that you do.

Standing beside you in the soft of the due

Looking at me as I look right at you.

Our eyes meet gently in a familiar glance

I take your hand as we begin to dance.
And two bodies glide softly across a wooden floor

Feet in memory of places that were stepped before.

Hands laced squeezing gently; head against your neck

I breath softly and kiss you as you draw a deep breath.

You whisper my name and it touches the air like

A thousand fingers passing gently through the wind.

You squeeze me against you and I let you win.

Our eyes lock once more and once again.

I see you now in a different light before me

You are my one the only that will ever adore me.

Your words and your actions are never pretend

I have found my life partner as the music comes to an end.

Irony

You can't go back, only forward, yet back is what you seek
Everything is at your fingers except for what you wheep
The world offers you everything, except your soul to keep
You feel you don't have the chance for what you sew you reap.
You can't get out of the hole, because you can only dig straight down
Running isn't optional since your legs can't find the ground
Swimming is an eternity where water will never be
And in the end of this you'll find the sudden simple irony.
Mirrors on the wall reflect everything but you
Dreaming you find answers for all that is untrue
Simplisitc gestures lack all of their certain charm
And in the midst of valor you're the knight which they disarm