My Prayer

FOOTPRINTS IN THE SAND
One night a man had a dream. He dreamed he was walking along the beach with the Lord. Across the sky flashed scenes from his life. For each scene, he noticed two sets of footprints in the sand; one belonged to him, and the other to the Lord.When the last scene of his life flashed before him, he looked back at the footprints in the sand. He noticed that many times along the path of his life there was only one set of footprints. He also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times in his life.This really bothered him and he questioned the Lord about it. "Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you, you'd walk with me all the way. But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life there is only one set of footprints. I don't understand why, when I needed you most, you would leave me."The Lord replied, " My precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you."
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Sometimes I feel like a child lost. The most important thing in a child's life is the love of a parent. I had that love growing up from my Mom. There wasn't a day that went by that I didn't know in my heart that she loved me, even the days that I didn't deserve to be loved. Her love was a given.

The other night I broke down, I hate doing that. I'm the happiest I've ever been with him and I never want him to think he doesn't do that for me, but lately I've been struggling. I just wish she could be here for this. I wish she could see what she's wanted for me has finally come true. He consols me as I cry in his arms. His tears show how much he cares, as he cries because I cry. There's nothing more I could want at this time....nothing, except her presence.

I prayed the other night. The first time probably since she's been gone. Know what I prayed for? To see her again, just once.... in my dreams. I've dreampt about her only twice since she's died. The first time was within the week of her passing. All I could see was her face. Her face was so close to mine and she had her brilliant smile. She was so happy. I woke up finding myself reaching out for her and weeping. It was like she was right there. What I got from that dream was her telling me she was happy. No more pain, no more crying. She was "home".
The second dream of her was much more in detail, Joel and I had already become so close and shared so much. You'll see the importance of me saying that in a bit.
When I awoke, I immediately wrote down the dream..... sometimes after a dream I forget it. I couldn't forget this. I dreampt of my ex-husband and her in a car, she and I in the front seat... he in the back. She drove a block and then stopped and told him it's time. He got out of the car and we continued to drive. She and I talked, but the conversation was unclear to me. Next we were in a mall looking at mirrored clocks. I woke up in tears. I remember fighting myself to try and fall back asleep, just so I can see her again. Now, I don't know how true the dream dictionarys are, but I knew that there had to be some meaning. Out of desperation I searched for an answer. I searched an online dream dictionary.

I looked for the key words from my dream. Mom, ex-husband, car, mall, mirrors, clocks. This were the results:
~To see your mother in your dream, represents the nurturing aspect of your own character. Mothers offer shelter, comfort, life, guidance and protection.
~To see your ex-husband/wife in your dream, indicates that you are finding yourself in a situation that you do not want to be in. It suggests that you are experiencing a similar relationship or situation which makes you feel unhappy and uncomfortable. Alternatively, seeing your ex in your dream also signifies aspects of yourself that you have x'd out or neglected.
~To dream that you are riding in an automobile, signifies that even in pleasant situations, you will still be restless and uneasy. Whether you are driving the car or a passenger, is indicative of of your active role or passive role in your life. Overall, this dream symbol is an indication of your dependence and degree of control you have on your life.
~To dream that you are at the mall, represents your attempts in making a favorable impression on someone.
~To see your own reflection in the mirror, suggests that you are pondering thoughts about your inner self. The reflection in the mirror is how you perceive yourself or how you want others to see you. You may be contemplating on strengthening and changing aspects of your character.
~To see a clock in your dream, signifies the importance of time or that time is running out. You may be feeling some anxiety of not being on top of things. Your mind may be preoccupied with a deadline that you have to meet or some other time-sensitive issue. It is time for you to tread on and speed up your actions. Alternatively, clocks are representative of death, especially if the clock has stopped. This is a common theme for the terminally ill or the dying. A clock seen in your dream may also symbolize the ticking of the human heart and thus is indicative of the emotional side of your life.

This is what I got from that dream..... She was telling me it was time for me to move on.

And so I did.

Now as I think back on that dream it amazes me what an affect it had. All the times that I failed to take my Mother's advice and then after she's gone to just have it again..... just once. I truely believe that's what the dream was about. Her giving me advice about where I was at that time in my life. Her loving hands guiding me.......

I've always said I believe that my Mom had a hand in Joel and I meeting. Now that I think back on the dream, I believe it even more. So, yes.... not only is he the the best thing that's happened to me, my "dream come true". But he's also the one my Mother led me to. Right into his arms, the safest place I've felt since she's held me.

I'm tired of being angry with God. His hand was also in the happiness I have today, I've never doubted that. Joel says all I need to do is talk to him..... so I hope he still hears me.

"I'm sorry for blaming you, but I've felt that you took my best friend... the only person that ever really truly loved me. Now I come to you to say I'm sorry. I'm sorry for being angry with you all this time. I'm sorry for only seeing what you could have done and not what you've done. I give my heart to you, yet again. I only hope that you will take it and forgive me for this anger that I've been carrying. Thank you for everything you've helped me get through, for the strength I've had to get through things that I know in my heart I couldn't have gotten through without you. And even though you've taken Mom "home"..... you've yet blessed me again with Joel. The love that I lost you've given back to me... in him. I'm sorry for not talking to you. I know the happiness in my life is all because of you. Thank you for blessing me, yet again. I love you. Amen."