Freedom of Life

(for privacy, names have been altered)

Every day when I shut the office door and throw my purse over my shoulder I smile as the door opens up to the outside. I don't usually look back.... until the other day.

I work in an assisted living facility. I've only been there going on 4 months, before that I worked for 7 years at an electric company. So this has already been a learning experience. When I started working there it was hard for me not to glance at each and every resident, some were very alert and alive... others did good just to open their eyes.

I first met Johnny, who is probably in his mid-60's and has been living there for 2 yrs. He "approved" me upon my interview. Every day Johnny will come up in his wheelchair and sit beside the receptionist. He is the official greeter. More like the official "know-it-all". He knows more about what goes on in the facility then I do. He always says "Wow" as I head out or in, of course it's so hard to resist a smile with his Elvis hairdo. Next, I met Doug. Doug is 42. That's not even 10 yrs older than I. Doug is in a wheelchair as a result of CP. He is as smart as a tack and has such a wonderful personality. He and I have become fast buddies. He holds a lot of anger, and who could blame him? He is the 2nd youngest resident in the building. What's even more sad is that his mind works fine, it's just his body that he can't make function properly. He is probably the one that tears at my heart the most. We also have Michael who is probably in his late 40's, early 50's. He also suffers from CP. Now it's funny because I only see Michael on Fridays. I tease him about only coming around to visit on Fridays, but he tells me it's his way to get pumped up for the weekend, his way to put on his "party hat", per say. He's another one that cracks me up. He told me a joke last Friday. "Why doesn't Frosty have any kids?" I humor him, "Why Michael?".... Micheal replies, loudly might I say, "Because he's got snowballs!". Ornary is about the only word I can think of for that one. We also have Mary, who is the sweetest little thing you can imagine. Mary suffers from Alzheimers. She is one of the few that is able to walk around the facility, most of them are confined to wheelchairs or are unable to leave their bed. She walks around with this babydoll in hand. You never see her without this baby. One day I see Mary in the hall and the baby has food all over her face. I stop and say "Goodness, it looks like someone ate well today!" Mary goes on and on about how "Liz" eats very well and that she never has to worry about that. I suddenly notice something from Liz's nose. Hmmm.... I wonder. Oh yeah, I suppose Mary also realized that sometimes babies have boogers sticking out of their noses. I had to laugh, I mean you gotta give Mary credit for the imagination of putting a booger on a babydoll's nose! I never thought of a babydoll booger nose when I played with dolls. I told Joel about Mary. Instead of the smile I expected when I told the story, he just kind of shook his head and said that he thought it was very sad for someone to get to that point. I told him that I thought it was sad for her family, but as for Mary... she's happy, she's a child again. And for children their world revolves around what makes them happy. She is a sweetie, for sure... boogers and all!

Some residents bring a bit of sadness. Take Ethal, for example. Ethal is a live wire, I'll give her that. But Ethal is one of the residents that tug at my heartstrings the most. Ethal also suffers from Alzheimers. Ethal will find her way up to the front door and try to get out of the facility. Some residents pose a danger to themselves if they exit the building. Ethal wears an ankle alarm so every time she gets near one of the doors, the alarm sounds and the doors automatically lock. Ethal is very determined. Some days she will attempt to exit the front door 10 times. I hear the alarm sound then I hear Ethal yelling and cursing. Now I do have to give Ethal credit for attempting the front door. I mean you'd think she would attempt a door where the receptionist isn't sitting right there, but no. Let me explain her method. I belive Ethal attempts the front entrance because she is aware that people enter and exit frequently here, maybe just maybe that will be her oppurtunity to "slip out" without anyone noticing. Ethal has had me in tears before. She yells how she wants to go home and we need to let her go. Her little wrinkled hands hold on the tightly to the wall rails as the nurses try to pull her away to take her back to her room. I try to tell Ethal that she doesn't want to go out because it's too cold or the wind is blowing to much. Sometimes that seems to help her calm down, but ya see... Ethal just wants to go home. The other day she was on a spree with the exit thing. I grabbed her wheelchair and even though Ethal is just a little thing she is mighty strong and determined. She turned and looked me straight in the eye and said "Damn it, let me go!", grabbed my hand off the back of her wheelchair and bite me. Of course it didn't hurt, but I was a bit shocked to see her reaction towards me like that. I just said "Now Ethal that wasn't very nice. I just don't want you to get lost or hurt." She just looked at me with her sad eyes. She is probably the second one that tears at my heart. Bill is another resident that makes me smile. He sings in the hall... loudly, may I add. Last week I heard him bellowing out "She'll be coming around the mountain when she comes....", I just smile as I sit at my desk and hear him singing. He has days where he'll wait by the front door and ask when his bus will come. Also suffering from Alzheimers, he believes that he'll be late for work. He tells how he won a Purple Heart when he was at war. I overheard him telling that story to the Human Resource Director and she took the time to stand there and listen and then thanked him for his time. He just smiled as he took her hand in his. Another day a tear rolled up in my eye.

So the other day I'm heading home, it was the weekend I had worked over to help the Administrator figure out the budgeted hours for 2007 and it's one day that I had the oppurtunity to see the Christmas lights they had put up at dusk. So I looked back at the front of the nursing home. The offices were dark, the front lobby was dark. I just stopped and the thoughts came to my mind of those residents. This is their life. They can't breath that deep sigh when the door closes upon them exiting. As I looked back at the facility I realized my freedom of life. I felt sad to be going home this time. The drive home was a bit longer than usual as I kept thinking how these residents spend their evenings, their weekends, their holidays.... how they will be spending Christmas.

I learned a lesson this Friday as I walked away from my workplace. I'm not going to stress over the gifts I'm able to buy, over whether the dinner turns out perfectly, whether the lights are strung to perfection or rather the ribbon on the gift matches the paper...... I'm going to enjoy the time I spend with my loved ones and treasure each and every moment I'm able to wake up Christmas morning in my bed beside my husband and help my little girl open her presents. I'm going to enjoy cooking dinner for my family, as I know they appreciate my effort. I'm going to smile as they open the gift, not because the ribbon matches the paper but because they know that gift was bought with love. The Christmas tree is lite with lights and glow only because of the love in my household, not because the lights are strung perfectly.

Savor the time you have with your loved ones this year, as one day you may find yourself alone and in a dark place where you can't awake to the Christmas you've enjoyed in the past... and it will be only then that you wish you would have taken the time to realize what Christmas is all about.