The Hardest Goodbye

3 days. Doesn't seem like a long time, does it? Nope, not long at all.

Till I saw this in my rear-view mirror.

Pittsburgh National Airport. The last time I saw this was almost a year ago, on October 30, 2005. What I consider to be the first day of the rest of my life.

It was on a Saturday. I remember this because I worked that Saturday. I had traded off a day or two so I could move and get the new place ready for his arrival. I hardly slept a wink Friday night. I was a nervous wreck, but at the same time the excitement was overwhelming.

For those of you who don't know.....here's the story.

Joel and I met online. Not a dating service, but in a chat room. Believe me, neither of us were looking for a relationship. I was to the point of giving up any kind of hope for being in love and he's told me that he felt the same. So, we actually started chatting about the opposite sex (for him, women...for me, men). We laughed because even though we were belittling the opposite human anatomy, we were doing this as man to woman and woman to man. I don't know. I guess you had to be there to appreciate the humor.

We became close, fast. Talked about everything. Laugh. Oh God, how he made me laugh. And I think that's just one of his traits that I find the most attractive. No kidding, I would (and still do) be doing something and just all of a sudden something he said (or did) came to mind and I'd laugh aloud. Not just a smile, but actual laughter. Oh yes, his humor,personality and especially his heart were what nailed me...hook, line and sinker.

Chatting turned to phone conversations and ahh ....the phone conversations. I wish I could have recorded them and played them back to listen to years later. One night, this is no lie, we talked on the phone from about 10pm till about 6am. I didn't even sleep that night. I got off the phone with him, hopped in the shower and floated to work. He was on my mind constantly. The things he would share, his stories, the way he listened to me, the way he made me laugh. I have to smile thinking about those days, but little did I know at that time just how lucky I would soon become.

Things became serious. It got to the point that he's all I thought about and when I didn't hear from him I missed him, more than I had ever missed any man. I don't even recall how the idea of him moving here started. I believe I kept throwing it out to him in a teasing way and soon it became a decision that both of us made. Being together is what we wanted.

So after work at 4pm on October 30, 2005 I drove to Pittsburgh National Airport to pick up my future. It's funny because I can remember him saying that he was flying to West Virginia to "claim his prize". I still smile thinking about how when he said that, it melted me. I don't even remember the drive to Pittsburgh. It's a wonder I didn't get lost! Seriously. I remember nothing about the drive. I remember playing "our" music and being very excited. The nerves set in when I stood at the bottom of four sets of escalators not knowing which one he was going to come down. I glanced from one, to another, to the other, and to the last...over and over again. Watching legs slowly come down until I saw the face. He came down the escaltor which was the farthest. I knew it was him even from that distance. His tall stature and stride took my breathe away.

He walked right up to me, we spoke and he smiled. I swear I could have melted in my shoes at that moment! He embraced me and gave me a hug that sent chills. Literally. I swear I could not stop shaking. He still talks about that today, how I shook in his arms as we stood there in the airport. I tried to stop, I swear. Nobody has ever had that kind of effect on me. Ever!

That was the first day of my life.

Yesterday was the hardest goodbye I've ever had to say. Leaving that airport without him. Looking back in my rear-view mirror and knowing that there could be a possiblility that I may never see him again. I watched the shows on 9/11 and how those wives lost their husbands. How the last call from him will be a haunting memory in their mind forever. The tears they cry because they've lost him. Oh God, I can't even begin to imagine. Looking in the bedroom and not seeing him, not hearing him, smelling him or being able to touch him. Just the thought of it makes my heart ache.

The house is quiet tonight. I don't like it. God I miss him already. I miss hearing the little beeps that come from his Star Trek game (even though I moan about him playing it all the time). Watching him play with that sexy little patch of hair below his lower lip when he really concentrates on something. I miss hearing him call me baby. I miss his hug...he gives the best hugs. I miss being able to walk by him and touch him...rub his shoulder, scratch his back, touch his face.

3 days?
Yes. 3 days is a long time when your missing the one thing that you've waited for your entire life.