6 Months

Ya know that saying? Time flys when you're having fun....well all I can say is that for once in my life my fun has lasted 6 months! Yup. No big deal to most but this marks 1/2 year for many more to come. 6 months ago he stepped off the plane and into my life.

I sit here and think back and I would be bluffing if I didn't admit that my heart races with excitement, just the same as it did that day. Thinking about finally being able to touch him, to kiss him, to hold him. It was amazing, and still is. I have to say that October 30, 2005 was one of the most memorable days of my life (aside from the birth of my daughter, of course). Actually before October 30, 2005 I find it hard to recall my life. Maybe it's the fact that I've blocked that part of my life out and finally bringing myself to concentrate on the happiness I'm experiencing now.

When I see someone who is unhappy in their relationship I feel so much sorrow for them. I was there. I know how it feels to be with someone who makes you feel bad, someone who talks to you disrespectfully, someone whose happiness is based on making you cry. I truly believe that if my life hadn't changed I was headed for deep depression, possibly worse. It scares me to think what could have happened. So is he my Superman? My hero? You bet. He saved me from what could have happened, from what frightens me to even think what may have happened. The sad thing is that nobody around me saw it. I mean there were moments I had (most of which were at work...bad timing) where co-workers/supervisors saw my tears. Sometimes it built up to a point where I couldn't hold it in anymore. And to do it at work meant that he wouldn't have the pleasure of seeing me cry. I really think he liked the fact that he had that affect on me. Now that I'm in the situation I'm in and I think back at the times he made me feel worthless......it makes me angry. I hate that I allowed him to have that control over me. I should have been stronger.

I guess "should have been" is just that and where I should leave it....the past. If I could just take back the wasted time....like "our" song says. Actually there's not a song more suitable than this one so I'll post it. Reading the words sends chills and it's good to know that he's made every word of this song sing true. My broken road couldn't have been more blessed then the moment he stepped into my life.
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Bless the Broken Road
Rascal Flatts

I set out on a narrow way many years ago
Hoping I would find True Love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you

Chorus:
Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

I think about the years I spent just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there you understand
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true

Chorus:
Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

Now I’m just rollin’ home into my lover's arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road that led me straight to you
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Here's to the happiest 6 months of my life and many more to come. I thank God every day for the gift he granted me, You. Thank you for giving to me what comes most natural for you....True Love. I'll treasure it every day I open my eyes.

Happy 6 month Annivesary sweetheart. I love you Joel Bailey.

Something a friend passed to me

Alright....it's official. I'm a "blogging fool". Anyways my Blah day must have shown thru to a close friend because after she stopped up and talked with me for awhile she forwarded this to me via email. She said that she thought I needed the blessing.......she couldn't have been more right.

For I have given rest to the weary and joy to the sorrowing.
(Jeremiah 31:25)

I still remember the first time our son Nicholas said the word “shoe.” While that may not be a big deal for most parents, for me it was one of the most joyful moments of my entire life!

For months upon end we had gone through the same ritual every day: I showed him the shoe and said the word over and over and then said, “This is a sh…” I always paused hopefully, and yet many days I felt the tears well up as I finished the sentence myself. I felt lonely, confused, and unheard by God. “Please,” I would plead with God, “Just let him say one word!” And yet, nothing. Day after day, nothing. The well of disappointment in my heart became deeper and deeper.

Then came that miraculous day when, true to the ritual, I said “This is a sh…” and heard our son, diagnosed with nonverbal autism, say, “shoe.” Everything within me jumped! I laughed, I wept, I shouted, I hugged him, I thanked God over and over. I told everyone. The joy I felt that day was intense. It was easily as intense as all the pain I had felt each day that he had not responded. Whether or not their child has spoken that first word, almost every parent of a child with autism can relate. There has been some breakthrough somewhere that they have struggled to see. And when it finally comes, the joy cannot be described.

And yet, even though there can be moments of intense joy and victory, most parents of a child with autism, or any number of special needs, understandably don’t experience an ongoing lifestyle of joy and victory. More often than not there is grief and sorrow. So here’s the big question: Can we live a lifestyle of joy and victory even if we have a child with special needs? I believe the answer to that question is yes.

Sorrow and Joy
Sorrow and joy are firmly linked. Perhaps it is because the deeper we experience sorrow, the more capacity we have for joy. That is why I felt such a deep sense of joy the first time Nicholas said, “shoe.” I had felt such deep sorrow each time he did not. I suppose it is similar to hunger. The hungrier we are, the more satisfying a good meal is to us. God knows this. Although right now we may only see the sorrow and tears of the night, God has planned a bright and beautiful morning full of joy.
The Bible tells us this over and over:
Weeping may go on all night, but joy comes with the morning. (Psalms 30:5)
You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing. You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy.... (Psalms 30:11)
Those who plant in tears will harvest with shouts of joy. They weep as they go to plant their seed, but they sing as they return with the harvest. (Psalms 126:5-6)
I will turn their mourning into joy. I will comfort them and exchange their sorrow for rejoicing. (Jeremiah 31:13)
Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy. (John 16: 22)

There are seasons in our life when we will mourn and have sorrow. But, there are also seasons of our life that are meant for joy.

A New Wind of Strength
One reason God may have for bringing joy after a season of sorrow is to bring a new wind of strength to our spirits. Grief and mourning rob us of our strength, both spiritually and physically. There is a weakness that comes from such an emotional and spiritual load. But God knows that joy brings a new vitality and strength, for the joy of the LORD is your strength. (Nehemiah 8:10) Joy produces the kind of strength we need to move forward.
It is often very easy for us to believe that we cannot experience joy until we see this or that breakthrough. We can actually come to the place where we feel disqualified from a life of joy because of the burden we bear. But quite honestly, that is a lie from satan, who is the father of all lies. Satan knows that if he can keep us from experiencing the joy of the Lord, he will keep us in a place of weakness and defeat. Satan has a stake in keeping us separated from the joy of the Lord because it is linked with our strength. If we are sapped of strength, we will have difficulty in moving forward out of the hassles, anxieties, and warfare we are in. Furthermore, we will not have the ability to receive the strategy we need to move into our next season.

We absolutely need the joy of the Lord in order to remain in a place of strength for all that is required of us. God has promised us abundant life, part of which is joy.
Here are some ways to help us maintain a joyful, abundant life:
1) Meditation
One of the ways God has provided for our joy is contingent upon our willingness to take time to meditate on His Word. Why? Because if we just read God’s Word without taking the time to give it thought, we deny ourselves the opportunity to receive personal revelation, refreshment, and the promises He has for us and our children.
2) Prayer
Prayer is very simply communicating with God. We will never advance in any aspect of our Christian lives without prayer, whether they are prayers of thanksgiving, repentance, supplication, or intercession on someone else’s behalf. When we pray, the channels to God open--both ways. To neglect prayer is to neglect God Himself.
3) Fasting For the Christian
Fasting is essential. Often you cannot gain the revelation you need for your next step without it. Even Jesus agreed that some things simply could not be accomplished without fasting. By fasting, we make it possible for the Lord to more powerfully reveal Himself to us. Fasting does not always have to mean food. It may mean other things we enjoy, such as television. When we choose to give up something temporal in order to pursue something eternal (and to the degree to which we allow ourselves to hunger after God) it is to that degree that we will be satisfied by Him and experience His joy.
4) Giving Giving is the very heart of God
It is linked with worship. We cannot come in to all He has for us in our lives if we are unwilling to give, because we simply cannot reap what we will not sow.
5) Warfare
Whether we like it or not, we are in a war between the powers of darkness and the power of light. There are times when we must enter into warfare-style praying in order to gain the strategy we need to defeat the enemy in whatever battles we face.
6) Worship
Worship is that place where we can come into intimacy with God. Songs and singing may be a catalyst for this, as can prayer or any of the disciplines mentioned. Worship is a lifestyle of focusing our minds and hearts on God and all that He is. It is a response to all He has done for us, and is essential to living in joy.
7) Work
There is a time to work. Many times we can speak to the mountain and see it removed, and other times we have to dig through it to get to the other side. That is what I call spiritual work. Most parents of children with autism that I have met understand this and are great at working for their child’s recovery.
8) Rest
Rest is so essential to regaining strength. In that way, it is linked with joy. We need rest for several reasons. First it is a matter of obedience to God. He commanded us to do so in the 10 Commandments through the observance of the Sabbath. Second, rest is an issue of trust in God. If we are at rest, God is going to have to “watch the stuff” for us as we regain our strength. Third, it is a matter of our physical well-being. Fourth, God created rest for us to stop and meditate on Him. Fifth, it is from this time of quietness that we can receive revelation and strategy for moving forward toward victory.

It is our prayer for you that you will allow the Lord to bless you with abundant life, great joy, and a fresh wind of strength that will carry you and your family through to victorious days ahead!

(Note: This is an excerpt from a message which aired April 2, 2006 on Autism One Radio.)
By Jack and Rebecca Sytsema
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Reading this makes me wonder when God will allow my "shoe" to drop....but yet somehow gives me reason to keep the "Faith".

Blah

Today is a Blah day. Ever had one of those days where you just don't even give a crap if you even speak a word? Today is one of those days. No reason. Just a Blah day. Being here at work makes it worse because that's all I do is talk to people. Now it would be different if it were somewhat of a pleasant conversation. No. Not here. The only time I somewhat enjoy Blah days here at work is when I'm sitting here at my desk and it's like being in my own world. I hear the people around me, but as they hustle and bustle I sit here unnoticed. It would be good to have just one Blah day where you just "Blah".....where I can go all day without being noticed. Just to think about things.

Going home will help. I have my two Reasons, ya know. Yeah. Going home will be a good way to end my Blah day.

My Reasons

When I have bad days......these are my reasons to smile.

My two "True Loves".

I just don't get it.....

There are a lot of things in life that I don't understand. More importantly a lot of things that I don't even try to figure out. One thing I can't understand is how people can be so mean and inconsiderate. I mean I know (and so I've been reminded by my "rock") that I should always consider the source. I do. But I also wonder how someone can be so hateful.....I've lived my life feeling that way before and I can't even begin to tell you how much more stressful I found it to be.
When something good happens to someone, I am genuinely happy for them. I love to see people happy and if there's ever a time that I can aide in someone's happiness.....I would accommodate any way I could.
I'm coming to learn that the road I walk is the one I walk with the ones I love, the ones I trust and the ones that I feel would give anything they could do help me the same as I would them. My one and only and my little girl. The two most important and meaningful people in my life. I will be there for them always.....and it feels good to know that they will do the same for me.

Something to think about....

I asked God to take away my pride, God said no.
He said, pride is not something He takes away, but rather I have to put down.

I asked God to cure my crippled child, God said no.
He said, her soul is whole, though her body is only temporary.

I asked God to grant me patience, God said no.
He said, patience stems from suffering; it is not granted, but rather shapened.

I asked God for happiness, God said no.
He said, He grants me blessings, but whether or not it brings happiness is up to me.

I asked God to remove my suffering, God said no.
He said, suffering distances me from the worldly concerns, and brings me closer to Him.

I asked God to develop me spiritually, God said no.
He said, I must make the effort myself, but He'll prune me, so I can bear good fruits.

I asked God, does He love me? God said, Yes.
He granted His one and only begotten Son to die for me.

One day, I shall reside in the Kingdom of Heaven... I believe.

I asked God to help me love others as He loves me.
God said, "Ah, you finally understand."

Storms

Spring has to be my favorite season of the year. I like the "distant" storms....ya know the lightning that lights the entire sky and that faint sound of thunder. I think it's romantic to be held by him, my safe place.

The other night a storm awoke me from a dead sleep...now I'm not talking the "distant" storms that I admire so...I'm talking about the loud thunder crash and bright streak lightning kind of storm. Now those I DO NOT like. Especially to be awoke from your sleep. Anyways...a loud crash of thunder had me sitting up in my bed in no time. I looked over and he wasn't there beside me, needless to say it took me no time to get to my feet. Funny thing tho....I got to the bedroom door and just stood there, froze in my track and scared shitless. The house was dark and all I could do was cover my mouth with my hands and wish for my knight in shining armor. In seconds I heard him coming up the stairs, he wrapped his arms around me and kept reassuring me "It's ok baby". I just couldn't believe how safe I felt. It absolutly amazes me sometimes how I experience comfort and peace. All those years of worry, stress and unhappiness seem to disappear from my past when he holds me....it's like I've never hurt before. It's starting to become that I find it hard to remember the hurt of my past....this is the first time I've been able to say that. Perhaps I'll never forget.... but I guess what I mean is that it doesn't consume my thoughts...my heart...like it did before. I can remember being the one who wondered how people can be this happy....now instead of me being on the outside looking in, I'm on the inside looking out. Now I know what all the hype was about.....I love it here.

The loud scary storms that once ruled my world and at a moment when I had nobody to hold me......they have turned into the distant storms in which I can just close my eyes, sigh and smile.

A New Day

I'm awake and everyone else in the house is still sleeping. I'm starting today new and leaving all the drama from yesterday put away. I have no clue what my problem was yesterday. How embarrassing my actions are sometimes.

Anyways.....

Faith has pictures today. I'm excited to see how they turn out. I just hope we get someone who is willing to work with us. It's like finding someone do cut your hair just the way you like it, ya know? Ya just can't stand up there by the camera and say "Smile"....shoot, she'll look at ya like....no, wait....she won't even look at ya. LOL. My daughter. She does do a fine job of ignoring. Have no clue where she gets THAT from .

Drama Queen

Have you ever had one of those days where it felt like nothing you did turned out right?? One of those days where you could feel tears in your eyes no matter how hard you struggled to smile? Tears that came rolling down your face if you just thought....about anything? That was my day today. My role as a Drama Queen (which, by the way, I play very poorly). That's what I call it anyway. I mean what's up with someone that cries at the drop of a hat? I hate days like today and I'm actually glad it's almost over.

Countdown.

Life Struggles

Sometimes you wonder what's harder than getting thru your every day struggles. For me it's watching the people I love struggle. I've watched the people I love the most struggle through the toughest times and I would rather feel the hurt and go through the struggle then to watch the people I love go through that pain and not be able to do a thing about it.

I've watched Faith go through some major struggles and to think that for her, it's just the beginning. In her short 7 years of life she's been through much more than anyone I know. She's so strong. Sometimes I wonder what goes through her little mind when she's facing those every day struggles. It has to be hard for her, especially for her to face these struggles without a voice. No means to express her hurt, her pain, her anger, her confusion.....in words. It hurts to see your child go through this and leaves you asking why. I've really been trying not to question this, but when situations arise and you're left asking questions.....the major one I find myself asking is "Why?". I've been angry. So angry. And when others have the say over what's best for your child and your left sitting with no voice......well it makes me realize what my little girl goes through every day of her life.


Then there's my mother....my best friend. God I miss her. I remember the things that wonderful woman faced in her life. It hurts to remember things like this, but for some reason it keeps me closer to her. Sometimes I think I'm forgetting her. I think I've forgetten what her voice sounded like. I remember her smile. I remember her laugh. Strange that I can remember those but wonder if I've forgotten the sound of her voice. I remember her hug. Her arms were my safe place....yes, till the day she passed. And even to this day when I wonder what else can go wrong and feel that the world is crashing down around me, she's my safe place. I run to her. Even tho she's not here, I feel her. I'm scared I'll forget her. I'll never forgive myself if that happens. I always think "What would mom do?" I could only hope to be half the woman she was. And even tho she's not here, she still seems to be watching out for me. She sent him to me. I'm convinced of this. Thank you mommy......he's what I've always wanted. A mommy gotta have her baby's back......you do, you always have.

Speaking of him. He's another that has faced issues in his past of hurt and pain that I wish I could just reach in and pull out of his heart....out of his mind. Now I realize that with Faith....her issues are out of my hands. I've put her issues in the hands of God, the only one that can intervene. My mother? Well most of her hurt occured before me so that was also out of my hands. Him? Well let's just say I'm here to be sure that he doesn't hurt anymore and that the pain of the past is something that is a healing work in progress. I can only hope to help him thru the struggles and pain that he's helped me through. He is my healing process. I'm convinced that God had our rocky paths come to that crossroad for a reason. It was at that crossroad that my life began a new turn. A path that I no longer felt lost and alone. Not so rocky and a ride that I'm finally able to sit back and feel the wind thru my hair.

So next time you feel that you're struggling thru the day.....take a moment to think of your loved ones. I'm sure that your day won't feel so hard.

" Roads are filled with gravel, little stones that may trip or bruise you...just like in life. There are setbacks that will trip you, you'll fall but then you'll stand up....for abrasions will heal. Setbacks are part of life; it comes as a package. Grit your teeth and continue walking."

" Advice from someone who understands: When in doubt, close your eyes and just remember that God does everything for a reason. And as hard as that seems to believe, he does. With the faith you have in him, nothing can stop you; you will make it because of the faith you carry with you."

Nothing

Well, ya know.....when ya ain't got nothin specific to talk about then what else do ya call your "title". Hey work with me here, I'm just bein honest.

I keep thinking today is Sunday. This 3 day weekend hasn't sunk in my brain yet. Not only 3 days this weekend but I also took Monday off (just in case of emergency), I haven't decided yet if I'm actually going to take it off or not. I really need to get some things done that I didn't have time to do on Friday. Time seems to go by so quickly.....hey, isn't that in a song or somethin??? Hmmmm, now I know why they sing about it. Damn.

Other than just laundry and an occasional picking up around the house, lovin on the little one and the stud....there just ain't much else I been doin. Went grocery shopping....yeah....we all know how fun and joyful that is. NOT. Getting ready to take my happy butt downstairs and start dinner. I'm gettin old. I mean I can remember days when sleeping till noon and partying till 4am were the highlights of my day. Now it's putting in a load of dirty underwear and buying green beans. Yup. Middle age has officially hit home. Eh, it's not all that bad. Actually I have to say that this is probably the happiest my life has been. The only thing missing.....my mom. Of course she's here in spirit, but sometimes it sure would be nice to see that smile of hers.

Days like this is when I miss her the most, some more than others. Whomever said that loosing someone gets easier in time had no clue what they were talking about. Anyways....

So tell me who's not talented....I sit here folding laundry while blogging.
Shoot, who got it goin on??? Yup, it'd be me. (hey I gotta be confident occasionally, cut me some slack).

Good vs Evil

Ok, so God knows I'm NOT as Christian as I want to be, but isn't it funny how when things are at the worst we expect God to take over. Very rarely do we ever take the time to stop and thank him when things are going great for us......selfishness. We "expect". It's not until things are bad or depressing that we think "Man, I should have been more thankful when things were going great". Well I'm the same, sad to say. Ya think I'd learn a lesson for everything that's happened in my life. I know God knows I'm thankful, sure....but I just don't give him enough credit where credit is due. Times like this.....I wish I would have. I was looking on the net and found this article.....the title of the blog is what it's about. I hope you enjoy the reading as much as I did. Be thankful.....even when things aren't so "great".
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"Why does God allow Satan to attack us?"

It is true that God allows Satan a certain amount of freedom (see Job 1:12), but it should be understood that it is Satan's choice to attack God's children (see 1 Peter 5:8). It was never in God's original design for humanity, i.e. Adam and Eve, to suffer attacks from Satan. But, when Adam disobeyed God, humanity was subject to the consequences of sin, one of those consequences being that humanity was open to attacks from Satan.

In a real sense, it is humanity's fault for opening the door to Satanic attack, not God's. Therefore, we cannot blame God that we are vulnerable to Satanic attack. In fact, when Job was attacked by Satan through the loss of his family, wealth, and health, he didn't blame God. Notice Job 1:21-22, "And he (Job) said: Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked shall I return there. The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord. In all this Job did not sin nor charge God with wrong."

As believers experience the attacks of Satan, they can take to heart the truth of Romans 8:28, "We know that all things work together for good to those who love God..." Therefore, the assumption is that we will experience "good" things and "bad" things, but "all" of these things can be made to be "good" as God works it out. So, even the attacks of Satan can be considered "good" as God uses them in our lives to conform us to Christ, His Son. (See Romans 8:29) Attacks from Satan, along with all other tribulation can actually cause believers to love God more, resist Satan more, practice patience, resist temptation, and grow stronger in our faith in many other ways.

I pray that you will praise God for His abundant protection from Satan most of the time, as well as be thankful for God's plan to make the occasional attacks of Satan "work together for good" for you!

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If your interested in more reading like this, the link is http://www.gotquestions.org/
Trust me, when things seem to be going downhill....reading about God makes you feel things will get better.

Sunday Afternoon

Oh yes, Sunday afternoons are always the best. The only day of the week where if you do absoulutly nothing.....you don't feel guilty.

Got up around 11 or noonish (the time change had me a lil confused thru the crust in my eyes), had a bad dream so my wonderful man held me and took all that bad stuff away the moment I felt his arms around me. I then rolled outta bed to stumble down to put on some coffee. Now what do you think makes a pot just crack up the side for no reason? I dunno, anyways I felt myself kind of going into a bit of a panic thinking "Oh God...no caffeine??" Thankfully there was a "back-up unit" and even tho there were no filters the good ol paper towel worked just fine (well, as I believe since I haven't been back down to see the results...but hey a few sips in my mouth even if I do get a lil coffee grinds...it's all good). I then headed back upstairs to continue the cuddle session.

Plan is a "Sunday Date". We like to do this date thing every once in awhile. Ya know keeps things new and exciting. Besides I enjoy his company so much the more I get to spend alone with him...the better. We are planning on stopping and picking up some grub and heading down to the falls (Valley Falls) and just chillin there for a couple of hours and enjoying one anothers company. This past week has proven to be a bit of a trial for both of us and I think this will be a good way to put all that behind us and start the new week like this.....going to the falls will kinda wash all the yuck away. Hmmm, I just thought of it that way. Nice.

Ok I'm off to tidy myself up and start the date with my wonderful man.
I love Sunday afternoons.