Thinking Through a Blur

So here I am almost to the end of my day, not even sure if I've really gotten anything accomplished. As I sit here thinking back, it all seems to be somewhat of a blur. I did the motions of a work day and looking around at all the empty files I see that I did get a lot done, but my mind has not been here with me at all today.

It's been one of those days where bigger things took priority in my mind. The weekend, last night. Have you ever felt so confused that you're confused about your confusion? I know. Sound ridiculous, but that's how I feel today. And no matter how much I just want to stop thinking, my thoughts rule my mind as usual. I'm feeling sad and that makes me feel frustrated. The same thoughts keep running through my mind like a broken record. Maybe my ex-husband was right about me all along.... maybe I am too hard to live with. Maybe I do expect too much. Maybe it will someday come to the point that nobody will "put up with me". I used to hate it so much when he was right. I hate it even more now that I'm starting to think that what he used to say might make sense.

Maybe it is me. I mean, perhaps I am so hard to live with that it's stressful. I dunno. I don't understand a lot of things and my confusion is getting results from my thoughts. Does that even make sense?

I'm going to see my Mom today. I need to talk to her. I'm not sure why it seems that every time I go down there and sit in front of that stone that I feel she can hear me better. I miss her so much. I miss her the most when I'm feeling like this. To her I wasn't annoying, I didn't create problems that aren't there.

Do you think it's possible to love someone too much? Love them so much that you become an annoyance? My confused mind says yes.