So I couldn't NOT blog about this. As hard as I tried to fight it there are feelings that just want to pour out. That NEED to pour out.

Anger, hurt, disguist, shame. Just a few of the feelings that I experienced yesterday. I must say it's the first time in a long time that I've had hurt turn to anger. Angry is not something I like to be. Something that I am happy to say, doesn't happen often.

Never in my life have I laughed at the expense of someone else. But I suppose there are some out there that believe it's funny to do so. Imagine your worst fear, your worst insecurity, your most shameful attribute all being laughed at behind your back. The one thing that you struggle with every day, the one thing that has consumed most of your life. The one thing that you would have done anything not to have revealed. Not only revealed, but ridiculed and mocked.

You just have to wonder what kind of person (or people) would take these deep feelings and stomp over them with laughter. They laugh to make themselves feel better? They laugh at you to make it alright for them? And why would your thoughts and feelings mean anything to them? Who are you to them? Friend? Or so he says: " Trust me when I say that Joel has made 3 lifelong friends here. If you would give us a chance, I bet you could too". I just have to wonder what type of friendship one offers if they can turn around and laugh at your pain. A joke for all. As if they are so perfect and righteous that they feel they have a right to laugh at the expense of you. Perhaps laughing at you will make them feel better about themselves?

What a sad life one has to live to find one's pain and insecurity humorous.

My ex husband's family did this to me. Laughed and mocked me. For 12 years I was an outcast to these people. Ugly, fat, disguisting. Everyone was better than I. I was ignored. I was talked down to. I was not good enough.

Yesterday hurt worse. Why? His family never wanted to be my friends. His family never made the comment "give it a chance". They could care less. So, yes..... this by far was worse than the 12 years I was lashed by his family.

Oh and shall we not forget the comment: "I am sorry if it makes you uncomfortable for Joel to discuss your private life with me, but I take it as an honor and a sign of his trust that he confides in me. I do not take that lightly, and I do my best to give him my honest opinions."
Trust? Confide? Perhaps one needs a lesson in the definition of these two words:

Trust - the obligation or responsibility imposed on a person in whom confidence or authority is placed.
Confide - to tell in assurance of secrecy.

Instead as soon as the door shuts you ran off to tell the others what was told to you in trust and confidence. Take it lightly? Yes, you took it more than lightly.

I don't understand why it is this happened. I don't understand why it was that you laughed. Each and every one of you hurt me. I hope the fun and laughter was worth it to you.

And for "him" - it didn't have to become friendship for betrayl to happen, you've accomplished that long before you ever gave friendship the oppurtunity. But hey.... glad I could oblige the laughter.

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"To jealousy, nothing is more frightful than laughter."
- Francoise Sagan

"It's what you do, unthinking, that makes the quick tear start; The tear may be forgotten -- but the hurt stays in the heart."
- Ella Higginson

"It is easy -- terribly easy -- to shake a man's faith in himself. To take advantage of that to break a man's spirit is devil's work."
- George Bernard Shaw