Emotional Me

I feel sad today. I feel frustrated and agitated. I woke up this way.

I haven't felt like this in awhile and I'm proud of myself for that, but it seems to be making up for lost time. Maybe it was the trip to Huntington and the thought of possibly not having this surgery. I'm pissed that I've come so close and even though I don't want to give up hope it seems to so easily come to me. Things don't typically go the way I wish, of course this past year and a half that has changed. Maybe this will happen? Maybe I need to go over hurdles to appreciate it more when/if it does happen.

I especially don't like looking in the mirror today. I hate the way I look and the way I feel. I've been trying to keep busy since we got back into town, doing house stuff, watching TV, playing games online.... but it's not working. I'm literally sick thinking about how there is a possibility that I will always look this way, feel this way about myself. Today is a day that I could crawl into bed and just cry.

I just want to love myself. For once in my life I want to love me..... that's not so bad, is it?
I really miss my Mom on days like this.