It's A Wonderful Life!

The past couple of days have been amazing. Joel and I have been able to spend some great times together. No matter what may happen in his day or my day, it seems once we close the front door of our home it's all behind us. We laugh and love no matter how our day has ended. The evening always turns a new leaf.

Take yesterday for example; after work we head out to Blockbuster to pick up movies for our "Movie Night". On the way he begins to tell me about this little coffee shop he's stopped by the past couple of times he's went out of town. So, he starts telling me a lot about these folks. He knows it's a young married couple, they are looking to open another shop more local to us, where the husband works, and how the wife is originally from Montana.... SCREETCH.... umm, yeah the jealous twinge begins. After that I heard mention how he had talked to them about doing a web page for them, yada yada. The sad thing is my mind automatically went into thinking "green" (ya know, jealousy). Anyways, I sat there and heard... not really listening as my mind was completely working overtime on this one.... then I blurt out "Well, what makes you think that this stupid coffee shop will do so well around here? Don't those idiots know we have Starbucks in town?" He was a bit shocked, needless to say. He replied "How do you know they're idiots?" As you can imagine the fact that I thought he was coming to their defense, or more yet... HER defense... did not go over well at all. My entire point is this; there was a silence there for a bit. I knew as soon as I blurted out what I did I had made an ass out of myself. He, of course, was more than likely in shock about my reaction but it was within 5 minutes that we were back to laughing and joking. That is, until the redhead at Starbucks. Yeah, well let's just say that my husband is very understanding and patient with me on my insecurity and jealousy and I have to say that on those bad days is when I realize just what a lucky woman I really am.

The rest of the evening was spent watching TV and a movie, aside from the time that my husband refuses to watch American Idol with me. In that time he got in a few rounds of his computer game, but as soon as Idol went off he was right in there holding and kissing me.

Oh yes, It is a wonderful life!

The Importance of Desire

I've never really had the need to feel desired, never even really thought about the importance of it. But as of late, I'm realizing that I, as does everyone, have the need to feel desired. It was so much the furthest thing from my mind that I had to actually look up the "proper" meaning from the dictionary.

desire =
1. to wish or long for; crave; want.
2. to express a wish to obtain; ask for; request.
3. a longing or craving, as for something that brings satisfaction or enjoyment.
4. an expressed wish; request.

After much pondering the issues with desire, I realize that I face this dreaded word on a daily basis. Not only in relationships with loved ones, but also at my place of work. I want to be desired, I want people to need me there as well as at home. If I wasn't needed, then I wouldn't be an attribute to them... therefore I wouldn't have a job.

So everyday everyone has the need to be desired, more so in certain circumstances than in others. When you don't have the feeling of desire then it makes a person feel worthless, insignificant, valueless, repulsive..... not attractive, not needed. I don't need any help in those areas, I feel that all on my own.

So as little as I've thought about it in the past..... desire is something that affects each and everyone of us, whether it be in a relationship or at a workplace.

It is important.

What Is This World Coming To???

WASHINGTON - A high school principal was acting reasonably and in accord with the school's anti-drug mission when she suspended a student for displaying a "Bong Hits 4 Jesus" banner, her lawyer told the Supreme Court Monday.
"The message here is, in fact, critical," the lawyer, former independent counsel Kenneth Starr, said during a lively argument about whether the principal violated the constitutional rights of the student.
On the other side, attorney Douglas Mertz of Juneau, Alaska, urged the justices to see the case as being about free speech, not drugs.
Justice Stephen Breyer, addressing Mertz, said he is struggling with the case because a ruling in Frederick's favor could encourage students to go to absurd lengths to test those limits.
A ruling for Morse, however, "may really limit free speech," Breyer said.

Emotional Me

I feel sad today. I feel frustrated and agitated. I woke up this way.

I haven't felt like this in awhile and I'm proud of myself for that, but it seems to be making up for lost time. Maybe it was the trip to Huntington and the thought of possibly not having this surgery. I'm pissed that I've come so close and even though I don't want to give up hope it seems to so easily come to me. Things don't typically go the way I wish, of course this past year and a half that has changed. Maybe this will happen? Maybe I need to go over hurdles to appreciate it more when/if it does happen.

I especially don't like looking in the mirror today. I hate the way I look and the way I feel. I've been trying to keep busy since we got back into town, doing house stuff, watching TV, playing games online.... but it's not working. I'm literally sick thinking about how there is a possibility that I will always look this way, feel this way about myself. Today is a day that I could crawl into bed and just cry.

I just want to love myself. For once in my life I want to love me..... that's not so bad, is it?
I really miss my Mom on days like this.

One day a mother died.

And on that clear, cold morning,
In the warmth of her bedroom,
The daughter was struck with
The pain of learning that sometimes
There isn't any more.
No more hugs,
No more lucky moments to celebrate together,
No more phone calls just to chat,
No more "just one minute."
Sometimes, what we care about the most goes away.
Never to return before we can say good-bye,
Say "I Love You."
So while we have it . . it's best we love it . .
And care for it and fix it when it's broken
And take good care of it when it's sick.

This is also true for marriage .... And friendship ..

SUCKS

That's right folks.... my insurance sucks, sucks, S U C K S!!!!

I guess you've ventured to guess that the update I have on my adventure isn't much to brag about. The seminar was awesome and the folks I met were great.... however the morning of my appointment with Dr Nease I called my insurance and found out that Dr Nease isn't in "their network". I just don't understand insurance companies. I mean you pay them what they choose to charge you on a monthly basis, yet THEY get to decide what doctors you can see. It's not right.

I was so upset that Dr Nease wasn't in their network, granted they'll still pay a portion of what the surgery would be (if the surgery were $5000 - which is definitly not the price we're dealing with- then the insurance company will only pay $1500).

As bad as I hate to, I'm considering exploring surgeons that are "in their network" and see how well I like them. I'm not at all happy with this as I had already pretty much made up my mind just after email transactions and phone conversations that these were the type of people I'd love to deal with.....

This is going to be a much longer road then what I had hoped... and unfortunatley it looks as though I may come across a lot of "STOP" signs along the way.

Off To See The Wizard...

... the wonderful wizard of Huntington

Well tomorrow is the big day. We leave for Huntington for the WLS seminar. I'm so excited, and actually getting a bit nervous. Not about the surgery itself, but about possibility of NOT being approved. I will truly be disappointed if something falls through on this. So far everything has been running so smoothly, it's almost scary.




So tomorrow evening is the seminar, from 6pm-8pm and then Friday I meet with the surgeon Dr. Nease. Even sounds like a nice name, eh? I hope he's nice and understanding. You'd think to do what he's doing he'd have to be.

Update tomorrow evening. Send me wishes of luck my friends :)

I'm Straight

Calm down. It's not some big huge announcment of sexuality. Now if the title were "I'm Gay"..... I'd grant the worry.

:rolling eyes:

I reversed my perm. Yup. After spending $60 to get curls, I spent an additional $5 to buy another perm to comb it through to take out the curls. I know, sickening isn't it? I'm so glad my husband is understanding. Even though he made it a point to tell me every day how pretty my hair looked (like the young Michael Jackson, my words not his), I just couldn't take it any longer. I couldn't even run my fingers through that rats nest, let alone try to fix it any other way than an updo. Which was the ONLY way I could even consider it looking half way decent.

Lesson learned, I suppose. A $60 lesson at that. Now my hair is straighter than it was before but, as my husband says, as long as I'm happy with it (God I love that man). Most men would freak out that their wife would go and blow $60 on their hair just to pay another $5 to undo what had been done to it. Even though I'm sure I'm not the only woman that's done so, it's good to know my husband isn't "one of those". I felt badly about it and apologized that I had done such a stupid thing.... he just smiled and said it was fine and that he wasn't upset at all. Awwwwww, ain't he sweet?

I am going to have to get it trimmed up, I think. I'm not a professional at hair, but I think it did fry my ends a bit. Of course now would be the perfect oppurtunity to test that $25 shampoo and conditioner I purchased. So, I guess after all is said and done my $60 perm actually turned out to be about $125. Seeing that right after my 'fro was 'froed I ran to WalMart and picked up $35 worth of gel, mousse, spritz, and hair cream to try and get it under control. Well I tried every bit of it before going to the extreme of the straightening process. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised to know that the ends of my hair turned out a bit "crisper than normal". It's alright though. Even though I'm trying to let it grow, I know that cutting it to a length of health will only help it grow faster.

I'm just glad to "Beat It" and that I will no longer look like a character out of the "Thriller" video.

The confusion of springing forward

Last night I ran through the house resetting all the clocks but when I awoke this morning our electric must have went out because the alarm clock was flashing noon. I immediately hopped out of bed thinking I had overslept (strange feeling, especially when you realize it's Sunday). I went from room to room to room. The computer said 11:20am, the cell phones said 10:20am, the clocks I set back said 10:20am. I was in a sleepy panic, dunno why but I was. Come to find out my husband had manually sprung forward on the computer because I told him it wouldn't work by itself (so they said). Funny thing was, is that it did. So needless to say the computer was an hour ahead of what it really was. I guess technology is much smarter then what we give it credit for.... scary.
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"You wake up in the morning, and your purse is magically filled with twenty-four hours of un-manufactured tissue of the universe of your life! It is yours. It is the most precious of possessions. No one can take it from you. And no one receives either more or less than you receive."
- Arnold Bennett

Ugh. What was America thinking???

Pure dismay. I cannot even believe what happened tonight. Sundance and Sabrina get kicked and Sanjaya and Haley get to stay?? Haley wasn't too bad, but Sabrina was definitely better.

One good thing.... that skanky ho Antonella got booted. Yeah America for doing that.

I guess I shouldn't bitch too much, I don't even vote. Ah well, it's a way to waste an hour of my evening.

I'm tellin ya... it's addictive like heroin

Not that I know what heroin is like, but I needed to make a point. Much to my dismay, I've become interested in....... are you sitting? American Idol :wide eyes with a deep sigh: I honestly believe they send vibes through the television set so you'll stay tuned.

The very first season (Kelly Clarkson) I was definitly an avid watcher. It was new and I love music, so yes.... for an hour I sat in front of the TV watching these people get up and sing their little hearts out. After the first season came Clay and Ruppert (I don't think that's right, but he wasn't very memorable), I couldn't stand it any longer. I stopped watching after the first season. Didn't know a thing about it after Kelly.

So this season I decided to watch the tryouts for one reason, and one reason only; to watch people make fools of themselves. And I must admit, that was not disappointing. You just gotta wonder what some of these fools think? I mean... come on. It should be a requirement that these people are mandated to record themselves and listen before they audition. Good Lord. It was a load of laughs though. So after the initial tryouts, I kind of lost interest. It wasn't until the American Idol buzz started at work that I became curious.

I watched another episode to see what all the ho hum was about. I couldn't believe some of the voices of those girls on the show. I immediately became a fan of Gina Glocksen.

She wasn't only talented, but seemed very sweet and genuine. Plus she wasn't a little teeny bopper looking for an easy way to the top. Another thing that I liked about her was her teeth. Yeah, I know.... I'm strange. But she has a BEAUTIFUL smile. I guess being a Dental Hygenist has it's perks. But ya know, here's this girl who has a great career and decides to try out for American Idol. This, to me means she has a dream. I liked her the best...... well, until I heard Lakisha Jones

This is another one. I mean here's this girl going against all odds. Older with a 3-year old daughter trying to make an honest living working at a bank and best yet.... the voice on her sends chills. Now I'm undecided on who I want to win.

Last night I tuned in to the "guys". What a huge disappointment. Good gravy, how in the hell did some of these dudes make it to final round? "When Phil Stacy started his Leanne Rimes song (that in itself was a very strange choice), my mouth hit the floor and it wasn't because of the overwhelming voice he bellowed. It was a mouth dropping "Oh My Gawd, how in the hell did this dude get this far??" The only one that sang decent last night of the guys was Chris Sligh

Now this guy you gotta like. I mean he doesn't even "look" like an idol and you don't even expect this voice when he opens his mouth but yeah.... he's definitly my favorite.

Now the reason why I say that American Idol is like heroin is simply because everyone and their brother is watching it (except my husband... he refuses even though I offered to get on bended knees begging, um yeah... that's it, begging :grin:). Today a few co-workers and I went out for lunch. So we're sitting there talking about the competition last night and the next table there's an older gent (probably in his 50's or 60's) that puts his 2 cents in on our conversation. I had to laugh because he says that he watches it religously with his wife. Now this is funny. Here are a couple of seniors sitting around watching American Idol..... aren't they supposed to be watching CNN or something?

So, um yeah. I guess I'm addicted. I watched it Tuesday night and tonight.... how could I possibly miss tomorrow night when they kick off 2 contestants?? Not gonna happen. All I can say they better not boot my girl Gina or Lakisha (not a doubt that she'll be leaving) OR Chris for that matter. I honestly don't think there's a guy on stage that stands a chance against this group of girls.

We'll see what tomorrow night brings.

The flip side to wishes....

Pukey Perm & Poor Puppy

A bit of drama this weekend.

First I went Saturday for a spiral perm. I've really been looking forward to this because the last time I had a spiral perm, it turned out AWESOME! Of course one of my good friends from high school did it, but regardless it was an awesome perm. Well, needless to say yesterday's experience wasn't so awesome. Can you say poodle? Umm, yeah. I was NOT happy. I had to practically run out of the shop after paying to avoid blubbering all over the place. Went straight to WalMart and got as many "curl" solutions I could. Anything to calm this 'fro down. I was hysterical. I've never ever had a bad perm. I had one that didn't last, but never one where I ended up looking like a rejected 1970 Michael Jackson.
Of course my husband was supportive, I didn't expect him to be anything but that. He now has learned one thing very important about me though..... and that is I'm very VERY particuliar when it comes to my hair. Makeup.... pfft, could go without. Clothes.... pffft, I buy at WalMart. Shoes..... pffft, the cheaper the better. My hair, on the other hand...... it's a law that I'm comfortable wearing what's on my head. After getting home it took me all but 10 minutes to hop into the shower to try to wash this poodle puff out. Didn't work. I called the salon "incognito" where I usually get my hair done, explained my situation to one of the girls there (NOT the one that usually cuts my hair, she told me not to do this). They had no suggestions. So I hop online out of pure desperation and found some things to try. Thing is, I had really no clue if my hair could withstand what the suggestions for a bad perm were. I called again today and identified myself. It was the same girl I had spoken to yesterday. She remembered me and I asked her if I stopped in if she would take a look at my hair and see if it would be safe to reverse the perm (for those of you who don't know, if you take a perm and squirt the solution on your hair you can straighten it by combing it continuously for the same amount of time it took for the perm to set and then rinse and apply the second bottle and comb as well for about 5 or so minutes. A lot less damaging than buying the "hair straightener" solution, not to mention much cheaper). I left immediately after talking with her so I could try this before our lunch (we were supposed to meet friends for a fun Sunday afternoon... bowling and Chinese lunch buffet) so I didn't feel like I should go sporting bell bottoms and a large collar shag shirt (again please refer the 1970 Michael Jackson photo above). Go to the salon and the girl said it looks like the only thing the perm did was dry my ends a bit that I may have to get it trimmed but that it was safe to reverse the perm. Meanwhile another girl mentioned trying Pert first.

She said that it worked on a project while she was in beauty school that the Pert actually made a perm set. So she suggested I try that. I did. It didn't.

Meanwhile when we came home from our little visit to the salon and then WalMart to pick up Pert Shilo decided to bolt out the door upon our return. We were going to put the bags down and get settled and then I would go back out to get her. Before I could I hear her yelping and crying and a screetch of tires. I ran out to find a bus driving away (a smaller bus, like a church bus or a handicap bus) and poor little Shilo sitting against the neighbors car across the street. Several people came out from their house and ran over to her. Joel ran across and I immediately ran inside to get the keys so I could chase down the bastard bus driver that hit her and didn't have the courtesy to even stop. Needless to say I couldn't find him. Drove around the neighborhood for the better part of an hour, no luck. We called the law and got the information we needed to see if there's anything we could do. Luckily one of the neighbors witnessed the entire thing. Shilo, on the other hand is very lucky. Her back leg is a bit scared and cut up but other than that she seems fine. She hasn't been as lively as she usually is but that's to be expected. She's not eating but she does seem to want to play a little. That's a real good sign. So next Sunday around 11am I will be sitting in our vehicle at the entrance of our neighborhood waiting for the bastard bus driver that hit our puppy and didn't even stop. If anything, at least it will make me feel better to ream him a bit.

As for the perm? Well we ran back out to get baby aspirin and a wrap for Shilo's leg so I picked up a perm. I'll tempt that fate tomorrow. We'll see. Unfortunatly our lunch date with our friends didn't happen but they were very understanding. Too bad too, I had been looking forward to it all week. On the other hand, I think my husband was thankful that he didn't have to go bowling. What a lil party pooper.