A Different Christmas Poem

The embers glowed softly, and in their dim light, I gazed round the room and I cherished the sight. My wife was asleep, her head on my chest,
My daughter beside me, angelic in rest.
Outside the snow fell, a blanket of white,
Transforming the yard to a winter delight.
The sparkling lights in the tree I believe,
Completed the magic that was Christmas Eve.

My eyelids were heavy, my breathing was deep,
Secure and surrounded by love I would sleep.
In perfect contentment, or so it would seem,
So I slumbered, perhaps I started to dream.
The sound wasn't loud, and it wasn't too near,
But I opened my eyes when it tickled my ear.
Perhaps just a cough, I didn't quite know,
Then the sure sound of footsteps outside in the snow.

My soul gave a tremble, I struggled to hear,
And I crept to the door just to see who was near.
Standing out in the cold and the dark of the night,
A lone figure stood, his face weary and tight.
A soldier, I puzzled, some twenty years old,
Perhaps a Marine, huddled here in the cold.
Alone in the dark, he looked up and smiled,
Standing watch over me, and my wife and my child.

"What are you doing?" I asked without fear,
"Come in this moment, it's freezing out there!
Put down your pack, brush the snow from your sleeve,
You should be at home on a cold Christmas Eve!"
For barely a moment I saw his eyes shift,
Away from the cold and the snow blown in drifts.
To the window that danced with a warm fire's light
Then he sighed and he said "Its really all right,
I'm out here by choice. I'm here every night."
"It's my duty to stand at the front of the line,
That separates you from the darkest of times.

No one had to ask or beg or implore me,
I'm proud to stand here like my fathers before me.
My Gramps died at 'Pearl on a day in December,
"Then he sighed, "That's a Christmas 'Gram always remembers.
"My dad stood his watch in the jungles of 'Nam',
And now it is my turn and so, here I am.

I've not seen my own son in more than a while,
But my wife sends me pictures, he's sure got her smile.
Then he bent and he carefully pulled from his bag,
The red, white, and blue... an American flag.

"I can live through the cold and the being alone,
Away from my family, my house and my home.
I can stand at my post through the rain and the sleet,
I can sleep in a foxhole with little to eat.
I can carry the weight of killing another,
Or lay down my life with my sister and brother.
Who stand at the front against any and all,
To ensure for all time that this flag will not fall."

"So go back inside," he said, "harbor no fright,
Your family is waiting and I'll be all right."
"But isn't there something I can do, at the least,
"Give you money," I asked, "or prepare you a feast?
It seems all too little for all that you've done,
For being away from your wife and your son."

Then his eye welled a tear that held no regret,
"Just tell us you love us, and never forget.
To fight for our rights back at home while we're gone,
To stand your own watch, no matter how long.
For when we come home, either standing or dead,
To know you remember we fought and we bled.
Is payment enough, and with that we will trust,
That we mattered to you as you mattered to us."

Betrayal of a friend....

I've had, what I would consider to be, five best friends in my lifetime....and today only two of them remain.

The first was one that I grew up with and so this friendship was kind of "passed along", per say. My mom and her mom were also the best of friends, so alas.... so did we turn out to be. Until high school. She got caught up in a group of people that I didn't feel comfortable around and then after my car accident and I couldn't "party" it up anymore... I became her pity friend. Not for me. I would say that started the end of our friendship. She and I still talked, still do. But nothing like before. There have been many reasons why I feel that friendship took a different route, too many to list really.

The second girl I worked with about 10 years ago (Gosh, I'm getting old). This was a different type of friendship. I was going through a real tough time in my life and held a lot of anger. I don't even really know why, but I did. She fed that too. Even though there were things I would get angry about, silly things, she would aide me and just get me more worked up. That friendship ended abruptly when she chose to believe a lie that someone had told her. Don't say you're my best friend and then choose to believe something you hear instead of confronting me.

The third was also a girl I worked with and even though we weren't real close at that time, she and I became better acquainted years later. Just recently she decided to end our friendship. Her reasons? She feels that since Joel has come she's been "on the backburner". Sorry. That's the way it should be. But I know why she feels this way. When I was with my ex-husband she and I would talk hours and hours on the phone about anything and everything..... just to avoid conversation or confrontation with him. She was about the only person who listened to me and wanted to hear what I had to say, I mean I had pretty much shut out everyone else after my mom died. Even though she and I were very close, there were some issues and beliefs that we didn't see eye to eye on. I won't go into detail, but I will say she respected me and never became obsessed with trying to make me see things her way. Let me just tell you the situation that happened with Melissa. So, of course I want her there at the wedding.... even though she wasn't as supportive as I felt she should have been when I told her Joel was moving to WV, I suppose as my friend she was worried. But being my friend, I felt that she shouldn't have questioned my judgement and respected me enough to back me up... even if it wouldn't have worked. I would have for her..... actually I did for her at one time. So our work schedules and lives took a different turn and we weren't able to talk as much as we used to. I didn't feel that changed our friendship, I mean surely she knew I was here for her if she needed to talk. So about a week before the wedding she and I spoke on the phone for a bit, the first real time either of us had that oppurtunity to catch up on things. Of course, I asked if she was going to be able to come to the wedding. She stressed that she wanted to but wasn't sure. Her fiance works out of town and with 3 kids, it's kind of hard to get coverage. I suppose this job has him out of town most of the time and they hardly get to spend any time at all together as a family. I thought about how I would feel if Joel worked out of town and I had to give up a day with him for a friends wedding... so a few days later I spoke with her again to see if she had a chance to see if she were going to be able to come. She still didn't know. At that point, I took the oppurtunity to stress to her that even though I would love for her to be there that I totally understood if she couldn't and that it was ok. The day before she and I spoke and she was going to come. I was happy, but then felt badly that she was going to be giving up a day to be with her kids and fiance just for the wedding. I mean, it's not like it was a huge wedding or anything. I asked her to phone me around 11:30 as the wedding began at 1. Of course with me getting ready and all, I knew that I wouldn't remember. It was 12:30 and I'm running late. My cell phone rings. It's Melissa. She's not even near the wedding destination and demands to know why I haven't called. I reminded her that she was supposed to call me and we would make arrangements to meet up. She became upset and kind of blew up at me telling me that I should want her there if she were my best friend and since Joel and I got together things have changed and she knew that this was coming. On my wedding day she does this??? I was upset, but there was no way that I was going to allow her to hurt me.... not today. She hung up on me. Later on our way home I got a message from her apologizing for the way she had behaved but pretty much in suttle words ending our friendship. I decided to sit down and write her a letter and also enclosing photos of the wedding and Faith. That was over a week ago. I even called her cell on Thanksgiving to wish her a Happy Thanksgiving. Still nothing. So, my third "best friendship" comes to an end..... why? Because I'm happy? I just don't get it.

I told Joel yesterday that I was done. It's hard enough for me to trust people, but then to trust them and be betrayed. The less people you trust, the less chance of being hurt.

I mentioned that I've had what I consider to have been five best friends in my life.... I've told you about the betrayl of three...... the only two left are the ones whom I trust the most never to have hurt or to hurt me..... my mother and my husband.

Friends? They aren't all their cracked up to be.......

Black Friday

There's no way I could NOT blog today. I have to take this oppurtunity to acknowledge my wonderful husband.

Since October and the first time I laid eyes on the new TMX Elmo, I knew that was... no, HAD TO BE... Faith's birthday gift this year. This lil guy was amazing. I mean, not only did he laugh when you tickled him but he rolls on the floor laughing AND gets up on his feet by himself. Oh yeah.... Made In China.... go figure? So for the past 2 months I've been calling WalMart and Toys R Us to see if they had gotten any in. When we stopped in Toys R Us at the beginning of November to get the boys thier gift cards, the girl said that they got a shipment of 60 dolls in that morning and by noon they were gone. Missed by about 6 hours. That's the closest I had gotten. Both Joel and I have been online numerous times and they haven't even been available online, aside from the cheap Ebay price of $150. Umm, no. Not when WalMart and Toys R Us have it advertised for $40. Joel spend an hour or two on the phone yesterday calling all the WalMart's in the area to see if they'd even have any today. No luck.

So I've been saying the past few weeks that the only way that little girl was gonna get this was for me to go out on "Black Friday". Oh yes. I've never... repeat... NEVER have been out on a Black Friday. I'm blonde, but not stupid. But this year, I was gonna do it for TMX Elmo. Then I got sick and wasn't sure I was gonna be able to go, so yesterday morning when I woke up and felt better I again mentioned doing the Black Friday thing and he says "I'll go". I about passed out. Thank God I was still laying in the bed. I thought "Come again. Did I hear that right?" I asked him to repeat. He did say what I thought I heard. I thought maybe the Steroid dosage they had given me was too high. I mean this is a man that HATES shopping. HATES it. Let alone on "Black Friday". So since he said he would go, I've reassured him that it's not something he had to do. He says, "I know, I want to."

The alarm goes off this morning at 4:15am. I hit snooze till about 4:45am. I roll outta bed and try to sneak in to get ready. I flipped on the light to find my clothes and he mutteres from under his blanket, "You be sure to wake me when your almost ready... promise?" I told him that I wasn't planning on getting spiffed up to go to Toys R Us and do some pushin and shovin and all I had to do was throw on some clothes, pull my hair up in a hat and slip on my shoes. He was up outta bed looking for clothes before I got outta the bathroom. To make a long story short....we not only got one TMX Elmo's, but two. We also were able to get the digital camera (a doorbuster item!). We set on a mission for two purchases and achieved both, plus a few extra side items (when you stand in the check-out line for an hour you seem to find things along the way).

After coming home he hopped on the computer to play his game, his wind down time. As I loaded the dishwasher with last nights crusty Thanksgiving dinner plates.... it was then I realized just how very lucky I was. I've always known how lucky I've been but I mean this man who I just married went..... not because he wanted to find anything special.... but because he didn't want me going alone and also wanted to play a part in finding this "special gift" for Faith.

There's not even any words I can think to express what today has meant for me, what he has made today mean for me. What he makes every day mean to me. Just when I think I can't possibly love him anymore than I do, I'm yet surprised again.

Happy Thanksgiving

This morning I awoke at 5:30am. After a day and a half of not feeling well, I laid there to see if I even wanted to take the chance of waking up. I rolled over to put my arm around him and realized that I was feeling much better than the day before. Much better. Going to bed early really had me a gumption to get up and get started, besides after sleeping half of my afternoon away I thought that since I felt better and had plenty of sleep that I could probably accomplish a lot. He too, rolled over and was awake.

As we laid there holding one another we laughed and joked around. I had told him a few weeks back that this holiday season was going to be much different than last year. He remembered that, he always remembers the things I say. I'm not used to that and it still surprises me when he reminds me of something I've said. I've never had that.... it's nice. He also reads me very well and pays attention. He notices things before I'm even aware they are apparent. Usually I try to deny it when he brings it up, but I'm forgetting that he's too smart and observant to fall for that. That too, still surprises me. He loves to awe me. He does it a lot.

So I got up out of bed and slipped on my slippers. Yes, I have no problem going to Go Mart in my PJ bottoms a T-shirt and slippers (fuzzy ones, at that). I was on a mission. I needed to get the sales paper for tomorrow's sales. The past 2 years I waited too long and didn't get one. This year.... I got one. Fuzzy slippers and all. Ya know as I'm standing there at the counter chatting with the little Go Mart girl, I realize that the holidays seem to make people a bit happy. Aside from the "shopping crowds". They seem to be more friendly, or at least that's my observance. So I headed out with my newspaper and decided to pick up breakfast and go home to conquer awakening my husband.

So, I'm home. Blaring the speakers with Rascal Flatts (I tried Ludacris and that didn't do it, so I've switched to a little twangy country) .... it's still not working. So, I'm sitting here listening to the music and thinking about how happy I am. I've never looked forward to the holidays like I have this year..... at least not since my Mom.

What am I thankful for? Everything. I'm thankful that my life is exactly like I've always dreampt it to be. There's nothing that could be different about it now to make it any more perfect than what it is. Not money, not material things.....nothing. I have everything I need and want.

Happy Thanksgiving to all my family and friends, with love.

Wedding 2006

A few photos of our special day....





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Little Girl Blue

Faith Ellen
October 2006
8 yrs old

Mrs. Joel Bailey

Wow. It's official. I'm finally carrying his last name.... and I gotta tell ya, it feels wonderful. My husband. God, I love that. He's absoultely made me the happiest woman in the world!

The ceremony was beautiful and surprisingly I didn't shed a tear. I was so happy that I think I was beyond tears. I cried earlier that day while waiting to get my hair done, but other than that. All smiles. I was a bit concerned because on the drive to the Falls, it started pouring down the rain. We pull down into the parking lot and it stopped completely. It didn't start up again until we were on the back of the pickup truck. Ummmm, yes.... you read correctly. We drove out of the park on the back of the park rangers pick up truck. He said that he's done 266 weddings and this is the first time the groom and bride hopped in the back of his truck to ride out. Hey, we had to make some type of impression on him. He'll remember the "Bailey's" alright. It was wonderful. We already have pictures back, but haven't had the chance to scan over them yet. I'll post them once they are scanned by my husband. Oh yes, if you could just see this smile as I type those words.

Mrs. Lori Bailey

It was like it was all made to go together.

My Prayer

FOOTPRINTS IN THE SAND
One night a man had a dream. He dreamed he was walking along the beach with the Lord. Across the sky flashed scenes from his life. For each scene, he noticed two sets of footprints in the sand; one belonged to him, and the other to the Lord.When the last scene of his life flashed before him, he looked back at the footprints in the sand. He noticed that many times along the path of his life there was only one set of footprints. He also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times in his life.This really bothered him and he questioned the Lord about it. "Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you, you'd walk with me all the way. But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life there is only one set of footprints. I don't understand why, when I needed you most, you would leave me."The Lord replied, " My precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you."
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Sometimes I feel like a child lost. The most important thing in a child's life is the love of a parent. I had that love growing up from my Mom. There wasn't a day that went by that I didn't know in my heart that she loved me, even the days that I didn't deserve to be loved. Her love was a given.

The other night I broke down, I hate doing that. I'm the happiest I've ever been with him and I never want him to think he doesn't do that for me, but lately I've been struggling. I just wish she could be here for this. I wish she could see what she's wanted for me has finally come true. He consols me as I cry in his arms. His tears show how much he cares, as he cries because I cry. There's nothing more I could want at this time....nothing, except her presence.

I prayed the other night. The first time probably since she's been gone. Know what I prayed for? To see her again, just once.... in my dreams. I've dreampt about her only twice since she's died. The first time was within the week of her passing. All I could see was her face. Her face was so close to mine and she had her brilliant smile. She was so happy. I woke up finding myself reaching out for her and weeping. It was like she was right there. What I got from that dream was her telling me she was happy. No more pain, no more crying. She was "home".
The second dream of her was much more in detail, Joel and I had already become so close and shared so much. You'll see the importance of me saying that in a bit.
When I awoke, I immediately wrote down the dream..... sometimes after a dream I forget it. I couldn't forget this. I dreampt of my ex-husband and her in a car, she and I in the front seat... he in the back. She drove a block and then stopped and told him it's time. He got out of the car and we continued to drive. She and I talked, but the conversation was unclear to me. Next we were in a mall looking at mirrored clocks. I woke up in tears. I remember fighting myself to try and fall back asleep, just so I can see her again. Now, I don't know how true the dream dictionarys are, but I knew that there had to be some meaning. Out of desperation I searched for an answer. I searched an online dream dictionary.

I looked for the key words from my dream. Mom, ex-husband, car, mall, mirrors, clocks. This were the results:
~To see your mother in your dream, represents the nurturing aspect of your own character. Mothers offer shelter, comfort, life, guidance and protection.
~To see your ex-husband/wife in your dream, indicates that you are finding yourself in a situation that you do not want to be in. It suggests that you are experiencing a similar relationship or situation which makes you feel unhappy and uncomfortable. Alternatively, seeing your ex in your dream also signifies aspects of yourself that you have x'd out or neglected.
~To dream that you are riding in an automobile, signifies that even in pleasant situations, you will still be restless and uneasy. Whether you are driving the car or a passenger, is indicative of of your active role or passive role in your life. Overall, this dream symbol is an indication of your dependence and degree of control you have on your life.
~To dream that you are at the mall, represents your attempts in making a favorable impression on someone.
~To see your own reflection in the mirror, suggests that you are pondering thoughts about your inner self. The reflection in the mirror is how you perceive yourself or how you want others to see you. You may be contemplating on strengthening and changing aspects of your character.
~To see a clock in your dream, signifies the importance of time or that time is running out. You may be feeling some anxiety of not being on top of things. Your mind may be preoccupied with a deadline that you have to meet or some other time-sensitive issue. It is time for you to tread on and speed up your actions. Alternatively, clocks are representative of death, especially if the clock has stopped. This is a common theme for the terminally ill or the dying. A clock seen in your dream may also symbolize the ticking of the human heart and thus is indicative of the emotional side of your life.

This is what I got from that dream..... She was telling me it was time for me to move on.

And so I did.

Now as I think back on that dream it amazes me what an affect it had. All the times that I failed to take my Mother's advice and then after she's gone to just have it again..... just once. I truely believe that's what the dream was about. Her giving me advice about where I was at that time in my life. Her loving hands guiding me.......

I've always said I believe that my Mom had a hand in Joel and I meeting. Now that I think back on the dream, I believe it even more. So, yes.... not only is he the the best thing that's happened to me, my "dream come true". But he's also the one my Mother led me to. Right into his arms, the safest place I've felt since she's held me.

I'm tired of being angry with God. His hand was also in the happiness I have today, I've never doubted that. Joel says all I need to do is talk to him..... so I hope he still hears me.

"I'm sorry for blaming you, but I've felt that you took my best friend... the only person that ever really truly loved me. Now I come to you to say I'm sorry. I'm sorry for being angry with you all this time. I'm sorry for only seeing what you could have done and not what you've done. I give my heart to you, yet again. I only hope that you will take it and forgive me for this anger that I've been carrying. Thank you for everything you've helped me get through, for the strength I've had to get through things that I know in my heart I couldn't have gotten through without you. And even though you've taken Mom "home"..... you've yet blessed me again with Joel. The love that I lost you've given back to me... in him. I'm sorry for not talking to you. I know the happiness in my life is all because of you. Thank you for blessing me, yet again. I love you. Amen."

My Rainbow

There have been days lately that I've missed my Mom more than ever. As I plan for our wedding, I wish I had her here to help me make decisions and ask her advice. I wish so badly that she were here to see how happy he makes me. It's not until I met him that I've felt the true and honest love that my mother gave to me.

I recently heard a song by Christina Aguilera and the words in a few verses really hit home for me.
I share:

There's nothing I wouldn't do
To hear your voice again
Sometimes I want to call you but I know you won't be there

Would you tell me I was wrong?
Would you help me understand?
Are you looking down upon me?
Are you proud of who I am?
There's nothing I want to do
To have just one more chance
To look into your eyes and see you looking back

If I had just one more day, I would tell you how much that
I've missed you since you've been away
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This isn't the entire song, but then again the entire song doesn't apply to the feelings I have of missing my Mom. I also recently came across a poem that hits home.

Missing Mamma
by Corky Ferguson

The sun came up this morning;
It wasn't very bright.
My dark mood casts a shadow;
It's hard to see the light.

We all have just one mother
And, now that her life on earth is done,
The emptiness and loss I feel
Make it hard to see the sun.

Tomorrow is a brand new day;
May the pain and sadness lighten.
I will remember all her love,
And then the sky will brighten.

Gone is not forgotten;
Her love remains behind;
She's traveled in a new direction -
Love knows no space or time.

I will always love her.
She will care for me from above.
She will send me starlight and rainbows
To remind me of her love.
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She sent me my sun, my rainbow in him. He brings the light and the color back into the world that was dark after she was gone. He is the rainbow through the dark clouds. I miss her so much.... but now it's a bit easier when he holds me and looks into my eyes and I not only hear the words "I love you", but I feel them like I've never felt but only from the love of my mother. Thank you Mom for sending him my direction..... he's saved me more than he'll ever know.

Photos: The Beginning

Over the summer we purchased a used digital camera. I've always been somewhat interested in photography, but over the summer I found it to become more interesting. I went home from work one evening and told Joel about a gal at work that was selling her digital camera & all the accessories for $100. He and I agreed that it would be a purchase worth itself. He was, and is, very supportive of my interest in photography and that's one of the many things I love about the man.
Unlike him, I don't really have what you would call "hobbies". My hobby pretty much sums up as "blogging" and Faith. He, on the other hand, has several. I like that about him too. The things that interest him are way beyond anything I could ever even try.... art (drawing & digital graphics... of which he exceeds beyond awesome) and writing are just two of the things he enjoys spending his time doing. I so love his dedication, it's so attractive about him. I even enjoy just watching him work, as he's doing now. His concentration and dedication amaze me. He just recently taught me a few basics of Adobe Photoshop. Wow, how much fun I had learning that! Not to mention the attraction to my teacher :)
So, I thought I'd share some of the photos I've taken with our digital camera since we've gotten it. Go ahead..... critque all you want, that's why the comment section is there. But go easy, I'm a sensitive gal....

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The Neighborhood:








The "Hood" after the sun sets:

Saturday Road Trip

Last weekend Joel had to head out of town on business. I tagged along with he and his boss and even though I had no clue of the conversation that occured (nor did I pay much attention...you know, computer talk) I loved being with him and being able to watch him as he "did business". I was able to snap these pictures on the way down and back from Beckeley.

(The last one is one where my "hottie teacher" showed me a lil something with the photoshop thing!)
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"I Do"

These are a few photos of where we'll be getting married....NEXT WEEK!!
November 11, 2006

It's beautiful and peaceful...as is the love he and I share.
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Our Summer Romantic Getaway Adventure

Some other photos which I took over the summer on our Romantic Summer Getaway Adventure!
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