The Night Before

Today, January 12.......

5 years ago today was the last time I spoke to my Mother on the phone. I remember vividly the conversation. I was on the other line with my friend Melissa and she would just call me up for the silliest things (as I would also). She called to rejoice to me for something silly (no details) and I just laughed at her and told her I had Melissa on the other line and that I would call her back. I didn't. Typically I would make myself feel horrible about this, but my Mom knew I loved her more than anything. There wouldn't be a day that we didn't talk AT LEAST 3 times, so even though I wish I would have picked up the phone that night to call her back..... I can say that I know in my heart she knew how much I loved her and that she was my best friend.

The next morning (Saturday) I awoke to the phone ringing. I rolled over to pick the phone up and I barely got out hello before I heard my Dad yelling "Lori!! Lori!! Your Mom died!!" He was crying histerically and I barely understood what he said. I was still half asleep and said "What?" He said it again. I wanted to wake up. I had hoped this was one of those dreams that terrified you.... it wasn't. I was in pure shock. I don't remember much after that. The next thing I remember is pulling in my parent's driveway and seeing the ambulance in the driveway with the back doors open. They had already loaded up my Mom. I stepped up into the back of the ambulance and looked at her. She looked like she was sleeping. I watched the blanket they put over her to see if it was moving. I wanted to believe that it was, I wanted to see it moving... this would mean she was still breathing. I leaned down to her. Her face was still warm. I yelled for the paramedic and said "Her face is still warm... you can bring her back. Hurry, please hurry". The paramedic just looked at me and shook their head (I didn't even pay attention if the paramedic was a man or a woman... it just didn't matter) and said "I'm sorry, we've tried. It's just been too long." It's then that I realized it wasn't a dream. I leaned down and kissed her cheek and put my hand on hers and whispered how very much I loved her.... over and over again until the paramedic helped me to stand and led me down out of the back of the ambulance. That was the last time I held my Mom.

I went into the house where my Dad kneeled beside the bed crying. The house felt so empty. I realized then that I had to be strong. I had to be strong for him and my brother (who was only 15), it's what my Mom would have wanted. I desperately fought back tears and tried to console..... I hardly cried and I remember thinking how hard I must have become not to be emotionally distraught for loosing my Mom, my best friend, the only person I ever felt complete trust and unconditional love. She was gone. The next two weeks were a blur. Funeral arrangements were entirely up to me, there was just no way my Dad could have made any decisions at all. When we went up to talk to the funeral director, he just sat there. I made all the decisions, all the arrangements.

The funeral was packed. So many people. People I didn't know, people I've known my entire life. Family that I didn't care to know, that hurt my Mom to tears. I resented seeing them there crying and only hoped that they felt guilt for the way they treated her. I still wish that on them. My Mom would tell me that's not how God wants me to be, but I can't help it. When I see those people all I remember is the times that I found my Mom crying because of the way they treated her.

I was proud of myself during the funeral. I was stronger than I thought I would be. I had two moments of weakness during the funeral. One was when a lady sang my Mom's song. She always told me, "Lori when I die I want you to get Sissy to sing "Ain't No Grave Gonna Hold Me Down". Surprisingly I was able to track Sissy down (someone we had went to church with about 20 years ago) and asked her to sing that song. That made me cry hard. I could see my Mom smiling as she stood up there and sang that song. The other time was towards the end of the funeral when everyone goes to the casket to say their goodbye. They start with the last pew and I sat there in the front pew watching all of these people saying goodbye to my Mom. Before they would go to the casket we had lots of family and close family friends come over to tell us how sorry they were. That was hard. But I sat there in a bit of a daze and stared at everyone leaning over, holding my Mom's hand and all I could think was this will be the last moment I will see my Mom.

I was numb for the next month. I played the role but don't remember much. I went to my see my Dad every night and help out with the house and the bills. The poor man didn't even know how to sit down and pay bills, so I taught him. I taught him how to balance a checkbook and took care of calling all the bill collectors and paying all the funeral costs. I don't know why, but I find the next 2 months after my Mom passing hard to remember. I don't remember how I felt or even if I cried after the day of the funeral, I didn't really have time. I had to be strong, my Mom would have wanted that and as much as she did for me in my life this was something I had to do. I often wondered if what I had gone through with Faith had made my heart turn to stone. I should have really wigged out..... I still don't understand it once I think about it.

I miss my Mom every day. There's not a day that something doesn't remind me of her. I miss her the most when I feel alone. I didn't go to her grave until a year after her death. My life had me invisible. I had nobody to talk to, I mean emotionally talk with and ask advice from. She was gone.... so I did feel invisible. I would go to her grave at the times that I felt at a breaking point. The year before Joel came I was there almost on a weekly basis. My life was a complete lie and I had nobody to talk to about it. I was living with a man that I didn't love because I felt it was the right thing to do for my daughter, I was still being strong for my Dad because I could not let him see me cry. I missed her and I talking and her accepting everything about me.... even at my ugliest, she didn't care. She loved me unconditionally.

One day I will rejoice for my Mom's life..... for now, I still miss her too much to do that.

I love you Mom and I think about you every day.