The Mirror Is Ugly

Since I was 17 yrs old I've had a very low self-esteem and it's seemed to have gotten worse from there. I've always been overweight. My Mom was overweight, her Mom was overweight and so on. Now don't take it wrong, I'm not screaming being fat is genetic.... I do however believe that it's "learned". I don't blame my Mom for any of it though. I watched her struggle her entire life with her weight, I also lost her because of it. She tried diet after diet and finally her doctor suggested she try "Fen-Phen" when the FDC claimed it was "safe". Well, needless to say it wasn't and my mom died as a result of taking it. Before that I also tried drugs to loose weight. I did very well on a drug that I took, sad thing is I can't even tell you the name. Everyone in this area drove to Uniontown, PA to see this "doctor" who prescribed this medicine to help loose weight. Oh yeah, and it did just that. I lost 60 lbs in one month. I was always moving and felt even a little nervous at times. Had a hard time sleeping and could not sit still to save my life. Even though the bottle didn't indicate exactly what you were being prescribed, it worked. And any overweight person wants just that. So he banked $50-$75 per fat person for this drug and eventually came under investigation and I do believe was shut down. The word was that this "doctor" was issuing "speed". After taking them for a few months and not being able to afford it and getting pregnant, I stopped..... SURPRISE... gained what I lost back plus some. Now, after loosing my Mom... I will never take another drug for weight loss. I don't ever want to leave Faith before it's God's time to see it so. I was 30 yrs old when I lost my Mom, my best friend, and that was too soon. I watched my brother at 15 yrs old go through the toughest time in his life without a Mom. So, no. I refuse to turn to drugs.

I joined a gym, but with the way my life was when I worked at the power company there was just no time. I left my house at 6:45am on the days Faith had school and didn't get home again till 9pm. When you gonna fit gym time in on a schedule like that? Now that I'm at a new job and working days aren't as long.... it still seems that time plays a factor. I suppose I should really work on including that in my weekly schedule at least 3 times a week.... I mean, I fit in eating so perhaps instead of that... I should do the gym.

I kicked around the idea of Gastric Bypass surgery. My ex husband hated that idea and my Mom wasn't fond of it either. I told them both that I would see how far it went (by this I mean that getting it approved by insurance is virtually impossible) and if God didn't see it was meant to be then it wouldn't happen. I only got as far as the consultation so I gave up. I didn't give up wanting it, but there's no way I can afford a $50,000 surgery with no help from insurance.

So now it's coming back around worse than ever. I look in the mirror and curl my nose in horror at what's looking back at me. I somehow wish it was possible to fix my hair and do makeup without a mirror, but I'm not quite that talented. Now that I'm at a new job and have new insurance I kicked around the idea of the surgery again. Of course I would love to be down 100+ pounds in less than a year but I would be lying if I didn't say that 15% of me is scared of the thought of either not coming out of surgery or not making recovery as well as some. But I am at the point of desperation.

Last Friday my husband's boss pointed out that my weight was a health risk in a conversation amoungst co-workers. First... I don't work there so my weight shouldn't have been office topic. Secondly... what the hell gives him the right to point something like that out? I mean, doesn't he think that I alredy know that I'm fat? Let alone someone bluntly stating it to my husband during office chat? I was so hurt by this. Not because it was from him, but because I started wondering if people really just see me as "the fat wife"? Joel, of course, came to my defense but that also hurt me. I mean, come on.... how do you justify someone being fat? There is no justification for it.

So again, I am on a desperate search for the most rapid healthy way to loose weight. I found a diet that I'm going to try, not sure why I'm even wasting my time... but like I said, I just can't sit here on my fat ass and continue being fat.... not after realizing that it may be the only thing people see about me. This is no pity party. I don't need a "you're a good person boost" from anyone, I already know I'm a good person but I'm not the wife that everyone smiles at because she looks nice on her husbands arm. I'm the wife everyone smiles at because perhaps they want to humor me or even perhaps out of pity. Who knows.

I'm looking into Lap-Band surgery ( http://www.lapband.com/lapband/aboutlapband.do ) .... seriously looking into it. And if I can get approval from the insurance, it's as good as done. I'm tired of feeling this way, of looking this way. I'm just tired. It takes too much energy to feel this way. If I can rid myself of the one thing that I'm the most ashamed of.... perhaps it's then that I'll be able to reward myself with the self-esteem I lost so long ago.