Calling a truce....

So, I guess all my dirty little secrets are out. Not really, my life isn't exciting enough to have many "dirty little secrets".... but I'm 110% happy with just the way my life is. I've made it pretty clear how much I hate any kind of drama in my life.

My husband advised me the other day that his co-workers found my blog and began to read. Not that I've said anything in this blog that I wouldn't voice anyways. A few of my opinions must have arose some issues (even though that was the furthest from my intention). A few days later I recieved an email with a lot of points being brought to attention. I was a bit confused about the email at first, but after reading it several times I began to appreciate the effort and the desire to call a "truce" (if it even qualifies as this). Needless to say there were things that were able to be brought out and discussed (if you can call email transactions a way of discussing). It boiled down to a comfortable point of understanding (at least on my part it did, as I hope it also did for him).

Maybe I shouldn't think everyone's out to tear me down, to take what I have. I conveyed that I wear my feelings on my sleeve, and for the most part I do. I'm the first one to admit my faults and know that I'm not a perfect person, my husband tells me I do that more than I should. But if it's one thing I will never do is not voice opinions on my beliefs and stand firm with those beliefs. All I ask is that one shows the same respect as I do for them.

I feel that was done. I'm comfortable with the way things went, but being who I am and going through what I've been through, I will never let my guard down. I think he can now understand and respect that about me.

So, to him........ I say Thank You.

Sunday Sunday

Not much to say really. Same feelings. I have sent emails to three doctors in the area requesting information on the surgeries. Just a waiting game now. I've been looking at "before and after photos" (here's the link, so you too can be amazed: http://www.obesityhelp.com/morbidobesity/members/before+and+after.php ) of folks that have gotten the surgery and I suppose I am a bit obsessed by it because every time Joel turns around that's what I'm looking at. He just doesn't seem to understand how bad I want this.....NO, how bad I NEED this. I mean it's amazing. I would love to be where they are. Feeling good about themselves and confident. Funny thing is I've actually thought.... hmmmm, anirexia or belimia is definitly cheaper and easier. If I could stand the puking part I would probably do it. I need this surgery. I don't know how much longer I can think like I do before I just fall into a hole.
I have never been this bad. I don't what's wrong with me.

Where One Door Closes, Another Opens

There are times I wonder "What is God thinking? Just how strong does he think I am? When will he stop piling stuff on me?" There have been more times these thoughts have come.... more so then they should have. I mostly feel that way when it's things that I just have absolute no control over. Things that hurt so deeply that it just seems God is out to get me. I know better than this, after it's all over. There are also some things I still wonder about, some things that I still question. I'll always question the fact of him taking my mother..... somehow that hurt and betrayl doesn't seem to disappear.


The motor in our vehicle blew last week. A vehicle we've only had for four months. Upsetting and frustrating since this was our "dependable" vehicle and was going to be paid off with income taxes. Just when we seem to be getting ahead.... you know that saying? One step ahead, three steps back. To make a long story short; the gentleman whom we purchased the car from fiananced us, which meant no interest. We put $1600 cash down on the vehicle and were paying $200 a month. So we've invested about $2600 in the car already and could have easily paid it off with tax return. He told us he could have another motor put in for an additional $700. First of all, the vehicle is a 1998 Grand Prix and NOT something I chose out of admiration. It was affordable and seemed to be capable of serving it's purpose, ya know, to work and back, hauling Faith's wheelchair, so on. The night it broke down on the interstate I had just picked Faith up. Came home and called 911 to report my vehicle broken down and gave them my contact info telling them the car would be off the interstate the next day by noon. We go over that morning to try and give the car another go. It was a no go. The motor literally locked, wouldn't even turn over. Lost pay by taking the day off to get things figured out, calls made and to remain extremly frustrated and depressed. Get home to find a message from 911 operator advising us that one of the city cops found my vehicle as a posed danger and had it towed. I was so angry! I've seen broken down vehicles sitting along the interstate (in worse spots than mine) for days! We had already made arrangements for the gentleman whom we bought the car from to pick it up.... for FREE! Now we were being told it would cost us $45 to get the vehicle. I was upset, even more now than before. It was Joel's birthday and everything was going wrong. The only good thing is that we both were able to be home together that day, but seeing the circumstances, didn't really have a "celebration". Jim (gent who sold us the car) ended up calling the wrecker service, paying not only the $45 but also paying them to tow the car over to him. We paid nothing. He is also putting almost everything we've paid on the car onto another vehicle from his lot. So we're looking at taking $1995 off another vehicle. We find out during conversation that he is a Christian. We're currently hoping that this time next week we'll be sporting around in a safe and sturdy Dodge Durango.

The Night Before

Today, January 12.......

5 years ago today was the last time I spoke to my Mother on the phone. I remember vividly the conversation. I was on the other line with my friend Melissa and she would just call me up for the silliest things (as I would also). She called to rejoice to me for something silly (no details) and I just laughed at her and told her I had Melissa on the other line and that I would call her back. I didn't. Typically I would make myself feel horrible about this, but my Mom knew I loved her more than anything. There wouldn't be a day that we didn't talk AT LEAST 3 times, so even though I wish I would have picked up the phone that night to call her back..... I can say that I know in my heart she knew how much I loved her and that she was my best friend.

The next morning (Saturday) I awoke to the phone ringing. I rolled over to pick the phone up and I barely got out hello before I heard my Dad yelling "Lori!! Lori!! Your Mom died!!" He was crying histerically and I barely understood what he said. I was still half asleep and said "What?" He said it again. I wanted to wake up. I had hoped this was one of those dreams that terrified you.... it wasn't. I was in pure shock. I don't remember much after that. The next thing I remember is pulling in my parent's driveway and seeing the ambulance in the driveway with the back doors open. They had already loaded up my Mom. I stepped up into the back of the ambulance and looked at her. She looked like she was sleeping. I watched the blanket they put over her to see if it was moving. I wanted to believe that it was, I wanted to see it moving... this would mean she was still breathing. I leaned down to her. Her face was still warm. I yelled for the paramedic and said "Her face is still warm... you can bring her back. Hurry, please hurry". The paramedic just looked at me and shook their head (I didn't even pay attention if the paramedic was a man or a woman... it just didn't matter) and said "I'm sorry, we've tried. It's just been too long." It's then that I realized it wasn't a dream. I leaned down and kissed her cheek and put my hand on hers and whispered how very much I loved her.... over and over again until the paramedic helped me to stand and led me down out of the back of the ambulance. That was the last time I held my Mom.

I went into the house where my Dad kneeled beside the bed crying. The house felt so empty. I realized then that I had to be strong. I had to be strong for him and my brother (who was only 15), it's what my Mom would have wanted. I desperately fought back tears and tried to console..... I hardly cried and I remember thinking how hard I must have become not to be emotionally distraught for loosing my Mom, my best friend, the only person I ever felt complete trust and unconditional love. She was gone. The next two weeks were a blur. Funeral arrangements were entirely up to me, there was just no way my Dad could have made any decisions at all. When we went up to talk to the funeral director, he just sat there. I made all the decisions, all the arrangements.

The funeral was packed. So many people. People I didn't know, people I've known my entire life. Family that I didn't care to know, that hurt my Mom to tears. I resented seeing them there crying and only hoped that they felt guilt for the way they treated her. I still wish that on them. My Mom would tell me that's not how God wants me to be, but I can't help it. When I see those people all I remember is the times that I found my Mom crying because of the way they treated her.

I was proud of myself during the funeral. I was stronger than I thought I would be. I had two moments of weakness during the funeral. One was when a lady sang my Mom's song. She always told me, "Lori when I die I want you to get Sissy to sing "Ain't No Grave Gonna Hold Me Down". Surprisingly I was able to track Sissy down (someone we had went to church with about 20 years ago) and asked her to sing that song. That made me cry hard. I could see my Mom smiling as she stood up there and sang that song. The other time was towards the end of the funeral when everyone goes to the casket to say their goodbye. They start with the last pew and I sat there in the front pew watching all of these people saying goodbye to my Mom. Before they would go to the casket we had lots of family and close family friends come over to tell us how sorry they were. That was hard. But I sat there in a bit of a daze and stared at everyone leaning over, holding my Mom's hand and all I could think was this will be the last moment I will see my Mom.

I was numb for the next month. I played the role but don't remember much. I went to my see my Dad every night and help out with the house and the bills. The poor man didn't even know how to sit down and pay bills, so I taught him. I taught him how to balance a checkbook and took care of calling all the bill collectors and paying all the funeral costs. I don't know why, but I find the next 2 months after my Mom passing hard to remember. I don't remember how I felt or even if I cried after the day of the funeral, I didn't really have time. I had to be strong, my Mom would have wanted that and as much as she did for me in my life this was something I had to do. I often wondered if what I had gone through with Faith had made my heart turn to stone. I should have really wigged out..... I still don't understand it once I think about it.

I miss my Mom every day. There's not a day that something doesn't remind me of her. I miss her the most when I feel alone. I didn't go to her grave until a year after her death. My life had me invisible. I had nobody to talk to, I mean emotionally talk with and ask advice from. She was gone.... so I did feel invisible. I would go to her grave at the times that I felt at a breaking point. The year before Joel came I was there almost on a weekly basis. My life was a complete lie and I had nobody to talk to about it. I was living with a man that I didn't love because I felt it was the right thing to do for my daughter, I was still being strong for my Dad because I could not let him see me cry. I missed her and I talking and her accepting everything about me.... even at my ugliest, she didn't care. She loved me unconditionally.

One day I will rejoice for my Mom's life..... for now, I still miss her too much to do that.

I love you Mom and I think about you every day.

The Mirror Is Ugly

Since I was 17 yrs old I've had a very low self-esteem and it's seemed to have gotten worse from there. I've always been overweight. My Mom was overweight, her Mom was overweight and so on. Now don't take it wrong, I'm not screaming being fat is genetic.... I do however believe that it's "learned". I don't blame my Mom for any of it though. I watched her struggle her entire life with her weight, I also lost her because of it. She tried diet after diet and finally her doctor suggested she try "Fen-Phen" when the FDC claimed it was "safe". Well, needless to say it wasn't and my mom died as a result of taking it. Before that I also tried drugs to loose weight. I did very well on a drug that I took, sad thing is I can't even tell you the name. Everyone in this area drove to Uniontown, PA to see this "doctor" who prescribed this medicine to help loose weight. Oh yeah, and it did just that. I lost 60 lbs in one month. I was always moving and felt even a little nervous at times. Had a hard time sleeping and could not sit still to save my life. Even though the bottle didn't indicate exactly what you were being prescribed, it worked. And any overweight person wants just that. So he banked $50-$75 per fat person for this drug and eventually came under investigation and I do believe was shut down. The word was that this "doctor" was issuing "speed". After taking them for a few months and not being able to afford it and getting pregnant, I stopped..... SURPRISE... gained what I lost back plus some. Now, after loosing my Mom... I will never take another drug for weight loss. I don't ever want to leave Faith before it's God's time to see it so. I was 30 yrs old when I lost my Mom, my best friend, and that was too soon. I watched my brother at 15 yrs old go through the toughest time in his life without a Mom. So, no. I refuse to turn to drugs.

I joined a gym, but with the way my life was when I worked at the power company there was just no time. I left my house at 6:45am on the days Faith had school and didn't get home again till 9pm. When you gonna fit gym time in on a schedule like that? Now that I'm at a new job and working days aren't as long.... it still seems that time plays a factor. I suppose I should really work on including that in my weekly schedule at least 3 times a week.... I mean, I fit in eating so perhaps instead of that... I should do the gym.

I kicked around the idea of Gastric Bypass surgery. My ex husband hated that idea and my Mom wasn't fond of it either. I told them both that I would see how far it went (by this I mean that getting it approved by insurance is virtually impossible) and if God didn't see it was meant to be then it wouldn't happen. I only got as far as the consultation so I gave up. I didn't give up wanting it, but there's no way I can afford a $50,000 surgery with no help from insurance.

So now it's coming back around worse than ever. I look in the mirror and curl my nose in horror at what's looking back at me. I somehow wish it was possible to fix my hair and do makeup without a mirror, but I'm not quite that talented. Now that I'm at a new job and have new insurance I kicked around the idea of the surgery again. Of course I would love to be down 100+ pounds in less than a year but I would be lying if I didn't say that 15% of me is scared of the thought of either not coming out of surgery or not making recovery as well as some. But I am at the point of desperation.

Last Friday my husband's boss pointed out that my weight was a health risk in a conversation amoungst co-workers. First... I don't work there so my weight shouldn't have been office topic. Secondly... what the hell gives him the right to point something like that out? I mean, doesn't he think that I alredy know that I'm fat? Let alone someone bluntly stating it to my husband during office chat? I was so hurt by this. Not because it was from him, but because I started wondering if people really just see me as "the fat wife"? Joel, of course, came to my defense but that also hurt me. I mean, come on.... how do you justify someone being fat? There is no justification for it.

So again, I am on a desperate search for the most rapid healthy way to loose weight. I found a diet that I'm going to try, not sure why I'm even wasting my time... but like I said, I just can't sit here on my fat ass and continue being fat.... not after realizing that it may be the only thing people see about me. This is no pity party. I don't need a "you're a good person boost" from anyone, I already know I'm a good person but I'm not the wife that everyone smiles at because she looks nice on her husbands arm. I'm the wife everyone smiles at because perhaps they want to humor me or even perhaps out of pity. Who knows.

I'm looking into Lap-Band surgery ( http://www.lapband.com/lapband/aboutlapband.do ) .... seriously looking into it. And if I can get approval from the insurance, it's as good as done. I'm tired of feeling this way, of looking this way. I'm just tired. It takes too much energy to feel this way. If I can rid myself of the one thing that I'm the most ashamed of.... perhaps it's then that I'll be able to reward myself with the self-esteem I lost so long ago.

Looks Are Decietful..BUT..

....the world still bases everything on it. I found this article on MSN:
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Do Pretty People Earn More?

You know the woman -- the one who could wear a paper bag to a board meeting and still manage to look both beautiful and perfectly professional. As if it weren't annoying enough that she maintains her obnoxiously flat abs by lifting doughnuts to her mouth, it turns out your gorgeous co-worker may also be out-earning her less genetically-blessed colleagues.

Good looks can have a real impact on workers' bank accounts, according to research by Daniel Hamermesh and Jeff Biddle published in the Journal of Labor Economics. Attractive people earn about 5 percent more in hourly pay than their average-looking colleagues, who in turn earn 9 percent more per hour than the plainest-looking workers.This means if an average-looking person earned $40,000, their prettiest co-workers would make $42,000 while their least attractive colleagues brought home just $36,400.Plain-looking workers may also receive fewer promotions than those awarded to their more striking contemporaries.

Steven D. Spitz, D.M.D. and owner of cosmetic dentistry firm Smile Boston, said he once had a client who wanted his assistant to get veneers, and was even willing to pay for the dental work -- as long as the assistant asked for it."He said this was a woman who was really good at her job and he was moving up (within the organization), but he couldn't take her with him because her teeth were so bad," Spitz said. The assistant never came in for the dental work, and Spitz said he didn't know what became of her career.

Are pretty people just more talented?
It remains uncertain whether the handsomest people translate their good looks into higher productivity, but students do consistently give better-looking professors higher evaluations than they give their less comely teachers, according to research by Hamermesh and Amy Parker at the University of Texas in Austin. Still, many experts warn against assigning too much value to beauty in the workplace, arguing that even if your good looks do get you in the door, they may not get you much farther. "A person can be breathtaking in person and destroy that within the first five minutes by acting in a way that seems superior or behaving in a way that is lewd or provocative," said Francie Dalton, President of Dalton Alliances Inc., a consulting practice providing executive coaching to C-level clients. "Although I very firmly believe that looks are the first thing one notices, I am not convinced that looks trump things like competencies, interpersonal skills and other factors," she said.Richard St. John, author of "Stupid, Ugly, Unlucky, and RICH," says he's so unconvinced of the connection between good looks and competence, he often chooses to hire the "visual underdog.""I'm not saying looks won't help you be successful at getting a date," St. John said. "I'm saying looks won't help you be successful in other areas of life."

Unfair, but legal
Unlike religion, national origin or disability, discrimination based on looks is legal in most jurisdictions, said James McDonald, Jr., managing partner of the Irvine office of employment law firm Fisher & Phillips LLP.Washington, D.C. and Santa Cruz, Calif. are two of the only municipalities with laws explicitly protecting workers against discrimination based on physical characteristics or personal appearance, he said. Still, that hasn't stopped workers from launching unsuccessful lawsuits.
Fortunately, there's -- literally -- more to attractiveness than meets the eye. Researchers Markus Mobius and Tanya Rosenblat found that confidence makes up 20 percent of perceived attractiveness. To ensure the image you're portraying is a confident one, be sure your posture doesn't betray your nervousness. Keep your back straight, head high, and make eye contact with your associates.
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Now, given that article........ wonder why "Plain Jane" feels that she compete with "Barbie" that works down the hall? This is why.

Superficial

su·per·fi·cial - adj.
Of, affecting, or being on or near the surface: a superficial wound.
Concerned with or comprehending only what is apparent or obvious; shallow.
Apparent rather than actual or substantial: a superficial resemblance.
Trivial; insignificant: made only a few superficial changes in the manuscript.
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People say hurtful things. People analyze someone when they have no clue what's behind the reason. I mean there are obvious reasons to have an opionion about someone or something they do; she's a stripper, my philosophy is that she doesn't respect herself. If I could ever "carry it out", I would never even consider this. Standing at McDonalds drive-thru window is more of a career than taking off your clothes for people you don't know. I mean there's no talent in being a stripper. You learned to undress yourself when you were four years old, at least with working at the Mickey D's drive-thru you've actually had training for the position. And even though I try not to judge a person, you just gotta wonder what kind of morals one has to be able to get up in front of a bunch of strangers and show themselves in that manner. Sorry, just my opinion.

Point being: I would never go up to, let's say....my husband's boss, whom happens to be friends with lots of strippers.... and say that I think they are all bad people just because they take their clothes off night after night for people they don't know. That's my opinion, I'll keep it to myself and I have a right to have that opinion..... but I don't have the right to share it. At least I don't feel it should be shared. Having a right to share it is one thing, but saying hurtful things is another.

I know this post probably isn't gonna make sense to a lot of folks, but it makes sense to me and this is my blog where I come to vent..... so I am.

In closing: Remember what you say could be very hurtful; just remember that you're more than likely the one who is alone and have nobody to share a meaningful fulfilling relationship with. Alone. It's you that goes to bed at night and only cuddles with a pillow..... perhaps because you're too superficial to see past the outside glam and take the time to get to know someone, who they are. Of course... more than likely it's you yourself who really isn't worth the time to get to know. Remember that next time you judge.......

My Resolution

I've pondered on if it's even worth it... to make a resolution. Seems like resolutions are just goals made which most of the time are out of the ordinary. Loose weight, exercise more, eat healthier (all of which I need to do every day, not just as a New Years resolution), achieve a promotion at work, stop smoking... yada yada yada. A survey taken shows that 80% who make New Year resolutions, only 20% actually achieve them. I don't want to be a statistic, so instead of making a "New Years Resolution"...... I'm going to enhance what I already have in my life.

The year 2007 will have me taking better care of myself (no specific goals to achieve and stress over), I will continue to do my job at work... not set out to do better as I feel that the job I do now is satisfactory and my assigned duties are accomplished, nor will I promise myself to stop smoking.... when I'm ready it will happen. Instead I will wake up every day and enjoy the life God has granted me. I will savor every happy moment and know that I wake up in a nice warm bed and I'm able to hug my loved ones as we head off to work or to school. There are many families right here in America that cannot do this. We make New Years resolutions without thinking of the familes that wake up in homeless shelters, families that don't know where their next meal will come from, families that can't kiss their loved ones as they head off to work or to school.

One thing 2006 has taught me is that things happen just the way they are supposed to. 2006 for me, has been the most amazing year in my life. I've been able to change jobs to make my life more enjoyable, I've married a wonderful man who supports and loves me just for who I am, we've made a home together where there is love and happiness. I'm not going to try to live up to a resolution that seems too far gone..... dreams and goals have been achieved without me even trying.

Today.... January 1, 2007
I will make it my "resolution" to enjoy my life just as it is.