When I Hurt

This time of the year is especially hard for me. Christmas since 2001 has never been the same without my Mother. It's sad too because I have my little girl to think about; but without fail the only thing I do is wait and pray for it to be over as quickly as possible. What use to be the most special time of the year has turned into the undeniably worst.

Last year it seemed to get a little easier. I have the love of my daughter and my husband, not to mention my Dad and my brother. But then once I started thinking that Christmas is a little easier, I then start to feel guilty. I don't want to enjoy Christmas. I don't want to be happy on the one day of the year my Mother loved the most.

December 24, 1969 my parents were married in my Grandparents home. December 25, 1972 my Mother gave birth to me. December 24, 1998 my little Faith Ellen was born. So, you see.... Christmas was huge for my family.... from my parents anniversary, to my birthday, to Faith Ellen's birthday.

My Mom absolutely loved this time of the year. You'd think for someone who was in the kitchen cooking from the time she woke up to almost the time she went to bed, it would get old. But not for my Mom. She sat at the kitchen table smiling, singing Christmas songs, lighting Christmas candles and making the most remarkable dinner all for her family. She loved everything about Christmas. She glowed when her little "Pretty Face" was born on Christmas Eve.

All this changed Christmas of 2002. No more smiles, no more Christmas songs at the table and no smell of Christmas candles.

So you see, even though Christmas should be the happiest time of the year; even when I think that it may get "easier"..... it's then I realize it will never be the same for me. Not without my Mom. This time of the year is when I miss her the most. If I could have one last Christmas wish ever...... it would be to be with my Mommy just one more day.

Happy Thanksgiving

What I'm Thankful For

The mess to clean up after a party because it means I have been surrounded by friends.

The taxes I pay because it means that I'm employed.

The clothes that fit a little too snug because it means I have enough to eat.

My shadow who watches me work because it means I am out in the sunshine.

The spot I find at the far end of the parking lot because it means I am capable of walking.

All the complaining I hear about our government because it means we have freedom of speech.

That lady behind me in church who sings off key because it means that I can hear.

The piles of laundry and ironing because it means my loved ones are nearby.

The lawn that needs mowing, windows that need cleaning, and gutters that need fixing because it means I have a home.

My huge heating bill because it means that I am warm.

Weariness and aching muscles at the end of the day because it means that I have been productive.

The alarm that goes off in the early morning hours because it means that I am alive.

I am thankful for you because it means that I am loved.

FINALLY.....

..... I'm employed!!!! That's right folks, a working woman. It's good to be in that saddle again!!

I had an interview for a law firm on Friday and they called Monday morning to offer me the job. Even though it's not as much as I was making at my last position, the benefit that they pay 100% insurance sure makes up that loss. I figured it out and I'm actually making cents less after taking that into consideration.

So my first day is November 5. This is my last week of "housewife" duties. THANK GOD!! I cannot tell you how happy I am that I won't be stuck in this house all day long. Another perk is that I'll be working in the same town as my husband and we can carpool together, which will save gas. He'll be getting off about 30 minutes before me, but I'm sure he can find something to occupy his time seeing that we're both pretty much in the "shopping section" of town.

I'm excited and the job just feels "right".

My Life At Home

Well seems that staying home just isn't my cup of tea. I've now been a "housewife" officially for 4 months since my resignation and I can tell you I'm not liking it. At all.

I've had a few interviews, but at this point in my life I'm not going to take a job just to get back to work. I want a career. I didn't go to college and I know that may seem a little too demanding, but I know my skills and work ethic are worth more than a measly $9-$10 hr job. I make that much on Unemployment. So yes, maybe I am being picky... but why not? I've worked for the past 17 years for the Unemployment check every other week, I'm taking advantage of it and taking my time to find a job that I can hopefully retire from. Which I must say, isn't all that of an easy task in this area. Jobs are hard to come by, and to find a "good job".... well, let's just say I'm praying for a miracle.

We are trying to trade in our 2006 Trailblazer for something that will lower our payments a bit. The finance manager is out of town and won't be back until Thursday.... so we're waiting. If they can't cut us the deal we need, we may be better off to drive an hour or so and try there. The salesman, in a nonchalant way, suggested we drive about an hour to the mountains and try to possibly see if we could get a better deal there. We'd be trading a 4x4 so he suggested that a better trade value would be in an area where folks are strictly looking for 4x4 SUV's. It's an idea that we may explore.

One advantage of being off work is the fact that I am more involved with Faith. I actually will be playing the role model of "Homeroom Mother" for her Halloween party on Friday. She is going to be a ballroom princess... the whole nine yards.... long white gown, white gloves, white slippers and of course the tiara. Who can be a princess without the tiara?? I went yesterday and picked up candy and such to make up little bags for the kids. Picked up some cupcakes. I also signed on for the Christmas party, even though I'm hoping to be working by then I hope to be able to attend that one since Faith's birthday is on Christmas Eve.

All in all, life has been a little boring. Some days I feel really down and depressed. I know it's the fact that I'm jobless. I just don't know how women stay home.... it's not in my blood.

Bummed

It's been awhile..... reason being? Nothing to say really. I mean I'm still desperately seeking employment and not had much luck with that at all. I'm actually getting to the point that I'm starting to feel a bit depressed about the whole thing. Second guessing my resignation and wondering if I had made the right decision.

I had an interview on Monday for a localized state facility. The interview went well, but it's now Wednesday and I've still not heard anything. I'm getting scared. I hate not working.

My 2nd Tattoo

Just went and had it done on Wednesday. A bit bigger than my last one; about 7 inches long and 4 1/2 inches wide. Very special meaning.....

Inspiration

I've been kind of in a "funk" lately with blogging. I mean there's nothing really going on to blog about, except drama and I'd rather try to forget about that for awhile.

Please stay tuned for the regular scheduled programming......

Surprise

LOL. Ok, this IS my all time favorite!!

Evolution of Dance

Ok. One more. LOL

Hahaha

Ok.... I'm havin a "YouTube" night. I LOOOOOOVE this one!

Check this out.....

The only time I'd enjoy being in prison.... to watch this!!!

The Family Cometh

Family is here. I thought I would be nervous... well, I was at first but they are so nice and I got comfortable in no time. Of course I haven't really gotten to know them yet. They just got in a few hours ago and I mostly have just been able to sit and listen to stories, but it's been enjoyable. Grandma is so cute!!! She just smiled and kissed me on the cheek as soon as she came in! God I miss female interaction! Family, I mean. I'm usually surrounded by men so the sight of female family gets me excited! Girl talk!!! LOL

Tommorrow evening I'm going to make dinner. A bit nervous about that and hoping that they aren't as picky as Joel. He says that they'll love my deer steak so I'm holding him to that. Deer steaks, chicken breast marinated in Itailian dressing and baked, fried potatoes, green beans. That oughta show 'em us "southerners" know how to cook up a meal.

I think Sunday we'll drive to Valley Falls and show them where we got married. It's not a far drive and this weekend is actually the Blackberry Festival so we may be able to head over there and look around a bit. It's their call.

More updates later

My Biggest Fear

I recently read this article in the news....... it sickens me to even see this man alive, let alone walk away in cuffs. That isn't justice.......

Respiratory therapist Wayne Albert Bleyle was in New York state on a wintry day when investigators called him about allegations he had molested patients too sick to defend themselves.

When they asked how many children he molested, investigators said, he looked out his window and asked, "How many snowflakes are there out there?"

On Wednesday, Bleyle didn't turn to look as a succession of parents and family members of victims spoke at his sentencing hearing. Some wept; others shook with anger.

As part of a plea deal, Bleyle, 56, was sentenced to 45 years and eight months in prison for molesting five of his young, disabled patients and for taking pornographic photographs of others. Prosecutors said he targeted those who were comatose, brain-damaged or too disabled to talk.

"You have violated the trust of your patients, you have violated the trust of your employer, and you have inflicted indescribable anguish on your victims and their families," Superior Court Judge Kenneth K. So told Bleyle.

Bleyle, who told investigators he molested as many as half the children he treated in his ten years working in the convalescent ward at Rady Children's Hospital in San Diego, stared straight ahead or cast his eyes down at the table in front of him as victims' relatives spoke.

"I just want you to know it doesn't matter what you say or how many years you spend in jail - it's not going to be enough," Lillian Godfrey, whose daughter is now dead, told Bleyle. "I don't think you have a soul. You're just an empty human shell."

Prosecutors said the extent of Bleyle's molestation will never be known because he targeted patients who were comatose, brain-damaged or too disabled to speak.

He was arrested last year after investigators tracing pornography through the Internet found tens of thousands of pornographic images on his computer, including photographs he took of himself abusing his patients.

He allegedly confessed to investigators in March 2006 when they reached him by phone in New York state, where he was visiting relatives. When he was arrested, he was living in a trailer in a casino parking lot because his wife had kicked him out of the house.

Bleyle worked at the renowned Rady hospital for 25 years, the last 10 at the convalescent home, where the most disabled patients live. The 59-bed convalescent hospital treated 176 patients during Bleyle's 10 years working there.

"He wishes to apologize to all the victims and their families," said his attorney, Casey Donovan, who noted that Bleyle himself had been sexually abused as a boy. "He knows he can never make amends for what he has done."

Investigators identified just four of Bleyle's victims: three girls and a boy who were all younger than 14 when the molestations took place. Two of the children have since died. Investigators were never able to put a name to one of the victims, a 2-year-old girl found in pictures.

Janice Frost, whose 10-year-old daughter died in June 2006, three months after investigators discovered her image on Bleyle's home computer, called it a "parent's worst nightmare." Frost said her daughter was under Bleyle's care from the time she entered the long-term facility as a 10-day-old newborn suffering a brain condition. "During her dying moments, I told her I would see this through," Frost said outside the courtroom, as she clutched one of her three older daughters.

Bleyle faced up to 165 years if he had been convicted on all counts in a jury trial. Prosecutors said they made a deal in part because they were anxious to spare one of Bleyle's victims, a teenage girl who claimed Bleyle inappropriately touched her buttocks while she recovered from a stroke, the strain of testifying before a jury.

Bleyle's arrest prompted the hospital to ban cell phones in patient treatment areas, including rooms, and require doors and curtains around patients be left open most of the time, said hospital spokesman Ben Metcalf.

In court, Pandora Johnson said she had asked her son, who cannot speak because of a breathing device in his throat, whether he had been abused. "He didn't give his usual yes or no sign. He just looked afraid," Johnson said. "And when I said, 'Wayne will never do this to you again,' he gave me a big smile. That smile broke my heart."

That Sigh of Relief

Well the test is done and over with.... I passed after a grouling 3 hour call test. Two tests down and now waiting on reference check and background check, other than that looks like the only other obstacle is the interview. The testing administrator advised me that they have interviews booked for the entire month of August, which means it looks like my interview wouldn't be until September. That sucks, really sucks. I was stoked about passing the test, but quickly brought down by finding out that I may have to wait 2 months for the interview. Meanwhile I've pretty much decided that I'll have to keep looking, take whatever comes along and then see how it turns out.

Needless to say the next week or so I'll be shipping out more resumes. Job hunting sucks.

Testing, Testing 1 2 3

Ok, I'm freaking out and I need something to do to occupy my time.... thus, the blog entry.

I go for my second test in 2 hours and I'm finding that my stomach is doing tumblesaults. I haven't wanted anything like this for a long time, well since I met my husband online and was waiting for him to move to West Virginia. Ahhh, the memories.

So far, I've defeated Rome (online game I've been playing), folded 3 baskets of laundry (while watching the Price Is Right), put away groceries, done 3 loads of laundry and barely got down a cup of coffee.

We did get a call from Joel's dad last night advising us that he would be in next weekend, not this weekend. That gives me a bit more time to get things here at the home front situated for their visit. It's also good because my family (2 aunts, my cousin and her baby) is coming in this weekend. I was a bit concerned how I would manage to visit with everyone in just one weekend. It's bad in another sense because Joel is scheduled to work that Saturday, but he's going to talk to his boss and see if something can be worked out. I hope so, I have no clue how I would manage to entertain people I don't know much about. I'm sure I'd come up with something, but I would want it to be something they would enjoy doing. We'll see.

Ok.... times a tickin, I'm off to shower and test. ACK!!!! I'm scared!!!

Staying Busy

Cleaning is tough. I would NEVER want to do it for a living! I simply cannot wait to get back to work.

Joel's family is coming for their visit this weekend. I'm nervous. They'll be in Friday night and from my understanding staying through Sunday. Not only are they coming in, but my family from North Caroling and Ohio are coming as well. Don't know how I'm going to manage that. Too many people to visit in a very short time. Wish our house was big enough to have them all over, but I just can't see how that would be possible. If our back area was cleaned up a bit we could probably manage a nice cookout, but finding out we have family from both sides coming in the same weekend at the last moments notice simply will not make that possible.

I'm trying to get the house organized and even though I've gotten a lot accomplished there just doesn't seem to be enough hours in the day. Of course I could probably be doing something more productive then blogging right now, but hey... everyone needs a break! I couldn't do much this morning because I had to run a few errands and had an interview today. Tomorrow is another day that I won't be able to accomplish much. I take my 2nd test for Verizon. THAT, I'm really nervous about. The interview went well today, perhaps too well. It's a good job, a secretary for the community career center. Contract job from August 2007 to July of 2008 with the possibility of becoming full time. The only negative issues are the hours. I'd be working from 3pm-9pm and I just can't see how that would be possible with Faith. I just hope that I find out about Verizon soon, before possibly hearing back from the career center. I don't want to turn anything down that would benefit this family. The career center job (because it's contract) doesn't offer benefits, so that's another negative. But it does pay well, very well for this area. Joel went for his interview yesterday at the college. He says it seemed to go very well, but he's not getting his hopes too high (he doesn't want to get bummed if he doesn't get a call back). They did mention the possibility of him being able to take classes while working to earn his degree. THAT would be awesome!! I would so love for him to achieve that. You'd think with everything he knows that he had a degree, but he doesn't. That would just be the icing on the cake.

I'll update later on about the job search and about the family visit.

My Next Tattoo

Well I have a "fixin". I need another tattoo. Thought long and hard about this one. The one I have was on a whim. It's on the back of my neck/upper back. I knew I wanted a sun/moon tat but wasn't sure exactly the specific design. This is how it turned out.

Not too bad. This next one will "mean" something. Since the blog speaks of how my life has taken such a turn over the past 1 1/2 yrs then I've decided on a butterfly hatching from the caccoon. Here's the picture we found:

Only Joel is going to modify it a bit, he's going to draw it up and I'll take that in for them to go by. Not only will his drawing be on me, but I'm also going to have names incorporated in with the tattoo. I'm going to have my Mom's name in the body of the butterfly, Faith's name on one wing and Joel's name on the other. This signifies that these are the people in my life that have made me who I am today.... from caterpillar to butterfly. It will be posted as soon as it's complete. I'm much more excited about this one!

Days of Dull

I miss working. Never thought I'd think that, but I do. I'll now be unemployed almost a month. It's killing me. The house looks real nice and the clothes seem to be getting laundered more efficiently, but I miss work.

I'm counting on July 25th. I take the second testing for Verizon. I will be absolutely crushed if I don't pass that test. I've had a few interviews, but I'm really holding out for Verizon. I'd hate to take a job and be there less than a month to take a better job. It's getting stressful financially to think about "what if". What if I don't get on there, then what? Ugh, it's driving me crazy already!!! The plus side to not working is the fact that I can start immediately. That has to be good, right?

Other than that my day is filled with laundry, dishes, dusting, vacuuming...... OH LORD!!! I'm officially a "housewife". Next thing I know, I'll be exchanging recipes with the women's auxiliary!

I've got to get this job. I NEED this job.

My Trip to the Lawyer

An update on the latest events.

We were finally able to obtain the name of a lawyer who handles cases of special needs children. Unfortunately not local, but within the state. Today we drove to Charleston (about a 2 hr drive) to talk to him. The plus of this is that he is within the state, which means he's very familiar with the special education laws.

We provided him with school records (that of which we were charged $62) and medical records from Faith's PCP and Neurologist. We were in his office for approximately 2 hrs explaining the circumstances and issues. He took notes and told us that he needed to review the paperwork and would get back to us. He asked several questions and seemed to "gasp" at some of the statements we repeated that have been made by staff and the BOE.

He asked if we had come to the consultation as a "just in case we need him" or if we were asking him to file the complaints on the board to the state. I advised him that we would handle the complaints alone, that we had an advocate assisting us with those. I advised him that I wanted to proceed in full force, taking the Board of Education to court and demanding that Faith receive an aide.

Please keep us in prayers as we await his response.

Busy, Busy, Busy

Now that our Poker Run has come to an end (till next year, that is) things have settled down a bit. Still lots of stuff going on but at least the event was a success and everyone seemed to enjoy themselves; to us, the most important thing was getting the message out but was so awesome to see everyone have so much fun!

Like I said, lots has happened. Friday was my last day at the nursing home. I resigned. They advised me that I would take on another role/duty as "HR Assistant", but yet no pay raise to go with these extra duties. Congrats HR Director.... "here's your sign". Ya just can't throw a bunch more work on a person, not give them a pay increase and expect them to stick around for more torture. Well, at least I didn't. I'm a good, hard, dependable worker and how dare they make me feel any differently, in the meantime the HR Director gets double my salary yet I'm doing 25% of her job. Eh. I don't think so. My husband was wonderful and supported me through the entire thing, actually if it had been up to him he would have cheered me to walk out without a notice, but walking out with a notice was a leap enough for me. I've worked since I was 15 yrs old and have only held 4 jobs with 2 yrs being my shortest term. Heartland has officially broken this record. That bothers me.... alot. But deep down I know that I'm better than this and it seems like because of the way things are run at the facility, job security wasn't one thing I would have been 100% sure of. Things happen for a reason (wise words from my husband). Where one door closes, another opens (wise words from my MoM).

I did test for Verizon this morning and PASSED!!!! Yippee!!!! I always swore I'd never do call center work again, but after doing it for so long and being away from it a year; well walking into that call center this morning felt like "home". It's what I know and what I know I do well. I believe that I excel at any job, however when you do something for that long then you tend to favor familiarity. My next testing is scheduled for July 25. So, I will take this break and get things on the homefront straightened around and sorted.

Joel found out last week that his Dad and Grandmother will be paying a visit within the next 2 or 3 weeks. That's exciting! I'm excited that Joel will be able to spend some time with his Dad and Grandmother; I, on the other hand, am a nervous wreck. Not so much about Grandma (fellow females in a situation like this tend to bond no matter what), but Dad? Well, he's a different story. I've talked to him before and he's really enjoyable but for some strange reason, I'm a ball of nerves. I just hope they like me and don't ask "What in the world does Joel see in her???" I don't know them that well, I know they wouldn't think that; but you know... I'm still scared.

I'll try to update more often now that things have settled a bit. The photos are on our website of the Poker Run, please take the time to visit when you can!

http://www.crusadeforfaith.org/events.cfm

Clean Saturday

Well today is "clean" day. I've made it my mission to get my house clean. Not "straightened"; clean. I've got clean laundry all over our bedroom as well as Faith's room. I'm ashamed actually. Seems whenever we need clean clothes we have to fish through baskets and such to get an outfit. Today those will get hung and folded and put away.

This is actually the first weekend my husband has had to work. It sucks. Thank God I have Faith here today, I'd be beside myself. I hate a quiet house. I mean quiet as in nobody stirring around.

Needless to say, so far I've been able to keep myself busy. Our bedroom is almost done and next I'm hitting the computer room. That won't take long, then the bathroom; again not long. Kitchen on the other hand, well the only real thing that needs done in there are the floors. Faith's room - torture. We haven't even gotten that straightened around from the move. Her clothes also all over the place; clean, but all over the place. Dining Room and Living Room is gonna be a breeze, but I have to save that for last as "Queen Bee" is in watching TV. I dare not to interrupt when Elmo is playing.

So hopefully, even though my husband isn't here to share my Saturday I'll be able to get something accomplished. Then this evening nothing but a little R&R; after yesterday's emotional roller coaster I'm not even going out of the house. If I stay within my safe place then there's nothing that can cross my path; aside from the occasional dust bunny.

Latest Updates

I've been so pre-occupied with things that have been going on with Friday, I've not had the oppurtunity to update my blog. Will try to do that more often though.

For some interesting reading, you may refer to my daughter's blog at:

http://sweetfaith98.blogspot.com/

Calling, Mailing, Hanging....$$$$$

Wow. I didn't realize how much work it is to try to raise money for a good cause. You'd think that it would be almost effortless, but people are so greedy.

The last post was a day I had received two calls in one day.... that's been it; period. No other sponsors, calls, or donations. No wait, I take that back. A local motorcycle shop sent us $25. While that's all good, it's kind of disappointing. We were hoping that the local motorcycle shops would really reach out and donate items; such as helmets, riding gloves, gift cards.... you know? So far the most generous offer we've gotten was the t-shirt deal. We ended up increasing the registration cost because we're having to go to such extreme measures to get sponsors. We paid $45 to run an ad in the local newspaper.... for one day, yes (1) day. Now that's just ridiculous. Next we're going to mail out a bunch of sponsor forms to local businesses to see if that will generate any reaction. With the cost of stamps, right now we're up to $60 just in postage. Then to have the copies made.... we've probably spent at least $75 in copies.

I'm loosing faith in the community I live. We're not asking for much; just help us get this thing off the ground so the rights for these kids will get noticed. I don't think that's too much to ask.

Our Crusade

Wow. So much has happened in just the little bit of time I haven't posted. So much to tell!

We are getting great response from the community so far, I mean this isn't even a week old yet and we've already got 4 sponsors!!! There are actually two of our sponsors who are quite huge in this area, which is really great. We also have a sponsor who will be providing t-shirts for our run. Wow! That is amazing!!!

We've also been "legalized"; meaning that the IRS issued us an EIN number which makes us not breaking any laws. Because of this, we were able to open a checking account just for "Crusade for Faith". That's pretty awesome. This means we can now officially accept donations and bank them for when they are needed. Hopefully this Poker Run event will be the first of many and we've even discussed the possibility of having a car show sometime in September. I'm not concerned about bikers not showing, when it comes to raising money for kids they really pull through no matter what.

My friend Cacie and her boyfriend Punk have been awesome too!!! Her and I exchange ideas practically all throughout the day while we're at work (text messages... my cell phone bill is gonna rocket but it's so worth it). We have lots of folks who have volunteered to make a covered dish for our ending destination. We have 2 for sure stops lined up and 1 potential stop. I'd like to get 2 more stops for them. We desperately need contributions for raffles and door prizes though, hopefully with our next mailing that will start rolling in.

This is exciting! And for under a week I think that we've achieved well. I will be updating this often and again ..... please check out the beautiful website my husband built at:
www.CrusadeforFaith.org

Some Mother's Earn God's Greatest Gift.

Most women become mothers by accident, some by choice, a few by social pressures and a couple by habit. This year, nearly 100,000 women will become mothers of handicapped children. Did you ever wonder how mothers of handicapped children are chosen?

Somehow I visualize God hovering over Earth selecting his instruments for propagation with great care and deliberation. As he observes, the instructs his angels to make notes in a giant ledger.

"Armstrong, Beth; son: patron saint, Matthew.
"Forrest, Marjorie; daughter, patron saint, Cecelia.
Rudledge, Carrie; twins; patron saint...give her Gerard. He's use to profanity."
Finally, he passes a name to give an angel and smiles, "Give her a handicapped child."
The angel is curious. "Why this one, God? She's so happy."
"Exactly," smiles God.
"Could I give a handicapped child to a mother who does not know laughter? That would be cruel."
"But has she patience?" the angel asks.
"I dont want her to have too much patience or she will drown in a sea of self-pity and despair. Once the shock and resentment wears off, she'll handle it.
"I watched her today. She has that feeling of self and independence that is so rare and so necessary in a mother. You see, the child I'm going to give her has his own world. She has to make it live in her world and that's not going to be easy."
"But, Lord, I dont think she even believes in you."
God smiles. "No matter. I can fix that. This one is perfect. She has just enough selfishness."
The angel gasps, "Selfishness? Is that a virtue?"
God nods, "If she cant separate herself from the child occasionally, she'll never survive. Yes, there is a woman who, I will bless with a child less than perfect. She doesn't realize it yet, but she is to be envied. She will never take for granted a "spoken word." She will never consider a "step" ordinary. When her child says "Momma" for the first time, she will be present at a miracle and know it!
"I will permit her to see clearly the things I see -- ignorance, cruelty, prejudice -- and allow her to rise above them. She will never be alone. I will be at her side every day of her life because she is doing my work."

Fight for a Right

I've been in a world full of emotions since Thursday.

It started with speaking to Social Security to try and get Faith approved for benefits, hey it probably won't be a lot but Faith deserves it as much as the next person receiving it. Later that afternoon I attended, yet another, IEP meeting for Faith at school. This should be a meeting where the parents get to advise the school what their special needs child requires to succeed. However year after year it's been them telling us what they feel Faith needs and not even listening to us. I mean, who are we? Just her parents.

This was one meeting where I thought would be different. I had an advocate and Faith's social worker there with me and the advocate had advised me that this would be one of the shortest meetings that I had ever been to. Typically we're looking at a 2-3 hour process with the arguing and bickering back and forth between the board member and us. Since she advised me that it should only be a 30-minute meeting, I left work to attend and advised them that I wouldn't be gone long and went on my happy way thinking that we would absolutely blow them out of the water by refusing to sign the IEP documents.

So I sat there quietly, well I say quiet because before I spent most of the meeting arguing and fussing about what was put in Faith's IEP. I think they knew there would be a bomb at the end. Well, needless to say when I refused to sign all hell broke loose. I had the principal on one side of me yelling and my advocate on the other side yelling back at him. I sat there, not knowing what to say anymore. Why weren't they hearing me? Why has it been year after year that they feel they know what's best for my daughter? I started crying. Once everyone stopped yelling and realized that I was sitting there with my face in my hands crying, the room cleared out pretty quickly. I was crying for Faith and how I felt as her mother that she is not getting the attention for her to succeed to her fullest potential and how I felt like I had no other choice. Maybe it was time for me to throw my hands up in the air and allow them to claim their victory. I tried to go back to work but couldn't hold back my tears so my supervisor sent me home.

My husband, as usual, was very sympathetic and encouraging but because my self-esteem and hope had been trampled on a few hours before everything was running in circles in my mind. I couldn't stop thinking about it all and finally crashed on the couch at 6pm. I awoke a bit before 9pm and then ended going back to bed around 11pm. Before going to bed my husband had showed me a letter that he had written to the principal. Please allow me to share:

Mr. Gorrell,

Tonight, my wife came home in tears. She said that one day, she hoped to hear her little girl say "mommy". It remains her hope, and my express belief, that with the proper care and therapy, Faith Smith will one day say that little word.

Your "mission statement" would have me believe that the mission of Nutter Fort Elementary School is to "provide a child centered environment that will allow all students to become successful." The margin of success depends upon the individual. And for Faith, that might be as simple as one little word. It further offers that the stated goal is to "create a learning situation in which each child is encouraged to progress continuously in the mastery of processes according to her or his own needs and capabilities." The mission statement and it's purported "goals" all suggest creating an environment, and providing the resources for children, regardless of their abilities, to grow. Unfortunately, your mission statement and it's goals, as regards this child, remain precisely that. A suggestion.

I might be so bold as to suggest, sir, that you are failing this child.

I understand that you served in the military, as have I. As someone having had the privilege of having served, and knowing what it means to "serve", you, sir, should be ashamed of your behavior. This child has no voice. You are that voice. You did not raise that voice in support of my stepdaughter at yesterdays meeting. You raised that voice at my wife. You do not talk down to the mother of a special needs child. She does not need, nor want, a lecture from an individual so far removed from her situation. You sir, do not have the perspective to "educate" my wife on the needs of her child. Your job, put plainly, is to serve. To provide an environment in which their growth, personally, as well as academically, may be fostered. Regardless of the needs of the child. We entrust our children to your care. We trust that you will champion them.

Three years ago, you stood with my wife in her long suffering struggle to see that Faith is provided with the care that she requires. Yesterday, you belittled her. I neither understand, nor care, why you have withdrawn your support. It is immaterial to the matter at hand. This is not about you. It is not even about my wife. It is about a little girl getting the care she requires. And it remains your job, not your purview, to do everything in your power to see that she does. It remains attendant to your duty sir, to fight for these children. You are a public servant.

I have, until now, allowed my wife and her ex-husband to fight this battle alone. No longer. I am now engaged, and will make it my priority in the days, weeks, and years to come to champion the cause which you have laid down. There are other Faith Smiths. Many more, if I am to judge by the way your school, and this Board of Education, have treated my stepdaughter. It is unjust, sir, and I intend to raise my voice, since they cannot.

It is incumbent upon you to answer to the parents of these children. Not talk down to them. Yesterday, you did a disservice to the school, the parents, and the children you serve. In this final year of your tenure, you will have the opportunity to leave this post knowing that you did the right thing for this little girl. If you have any sense of honor, I might suggest you seize upon that opportunity.

This fight is not over. Far from it.

Sincerely,

Joel Bailey

I was a bit shocked that he had taken this measure and of course touched that he had stood up, not only for me, but for Faith. He had mentioned about making a website for Faith to draw attention to her situation as there are more than likely other parents whom struggle just as we do. He's such a wonderful husband.

Friday I had emailed a very good friend, Cacie, and told her about the meeting. She came up with the idea that we start a fund raiser event for Faith and her situation. Not only to raise money for the cause, but also to raise awareness and attention to the matter. We've been kicking around several ideas and she thought of doing a Poker Run. We have come up with the name "Ride for Faith" and are starting to work on getting sponsor support. It's just in the beginnings but could turn into something pretty big.

As my husband said, it's time that people take a stand for these children who cannot voice for themselves.

The website is up, but more things will be added as the days, weeks, and months go on. The web address, if you'd like to visit, is: www.crusadeforfaith.org

Also Faith has her own blog that I will now be regularly updating, that address is: sweetfaith98.blogspot.com

It's a start and hopefully something that will open a few local eyes. I'll definitely keep you all updated on this as things unfold.

If I Had My Life To Live Over

IF I HAD MY LIFE TO LIVE OVER
- by Erma Bombeck
(Written after she found out she was dying from cancer).

If I had my life to live over, I would have talked less and listened more.

I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained and the sofa faded.

I would have eaten the popcorn in the 'good' living room and worried much less about the dirt when someone wanted to light a fire in the fireplace.

I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about his youth.

I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed.

I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.

I would have sat on the lawn with my children and not worried about grass stains.

I would have cried and laughed less while watching television - and more while watching life.

I would have shared more of the responsibility carried by my husband.

I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren't there for the day.

I would never have bought anything just because it was practical, wouldn't show soil or was guaranteed to last a lifetime.

Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have cherished every moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.

When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, "Later. Now go get washed up for dinner."

There would have been more "I love you's".. More "I'm sorrys" ...

But mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute... look at it and really see it ... live it...and never give it back.

Roller Coaster Week

So much has happened over the course of this week, it seems like the week has been a year.

Monday my husband got the boot. Not fired, however his company could "no longer afford him" and eliminated his position. Yup, just like that. Went to work that morning and came home that afternoon unemployed. No severance, no warning, and it seemed no sympathy. So, the owner doesn't know how to run a business (my opinion, not my husbands) - "I'm sorry Joel, it has nothing to do with your job performance or anything however my company is in a bad way right now and I had to borrow to make payroll last week". Oh geez buddy, thanks a lot. Sympathy goes out to you, since it's YOUR fault your digging your hole. In the meantime, is sorry gonna pay our bills? I was livid. I was scared. I was sad for my husband. He's the type of person that automatically thinks when something like this happens, that he's not good enough. Well, he was too good for that company anyways. That's a fact, not my opinion. Now, I'm not putting down his co-workers at all, in fact I feel sorry for them for having to stay employed at a place that could crash at a moments notice.

I'll get off my high horse... for now anyways.

To make a long story short. My husband goes to the unemployment office the next day and finds out he is eligible for benefits. Well, if that's what you would call them. $154 a week doesn't even come close to what he was making, but something was better than nothing. That was a bit of a relief. And remember the car accident? Well, got a call from the lady's insurance company and they totaled our car. I guess if at any time it's good that your car gets totaled, it's when one of you loose your job. So we were thankful for that, of course a clump of money only lasts so long to pay bills and such. But it was a relief. In the meantime, they are paying for a rental vehicle until May 17th.

My husband hit the pavement job searching. Made some contacts and sent some emails. It's really hard to find a job in his field around here (computers) but somehow he hit the right spot. He starts a new job on Tuesday. Not nearly what he was making at the old job, but definitely more than what his unemployment would have been. Besides, there's more opportunity for him to advance and grow. I'm excited for him and I'm so shocked at the turn around time.... don't know very many folks that can say they were only unemployed less than a week. But my honey is a go-getter and he went and got. Yay honey. Of course he's going to keep the door open for other options, but the biggest challenge has been met.

Like I said.... the roller coaster started on the down and moved up pretty quickly. So quick I didn't get motion sickness!

Appreciation

Sunday. I love Sundays. Just a time to rest and relax and be with your family and a good way to prepare for your work week.

It's around 2:30pm and the house is a bit quiet. I hear the dishwasher and dryer running, Faith is in the Living Room watching her man (Elmo) and my husband took off for an afternoon with the father in law (my dad) to site in the gun he got last week. Not something I had ever anticipated on happening, but he seemed to be a bit excited about it all. He never goes out and even though today isn't like a night at the bar with buddies, I think it's good that he gets some time for him. I miss him though, it's strange but I do. I mean he's only been gone a couple of hours and to be honest... I'm a bit bored. Nobody to talk to and Faith isn't interested in playing with Mommy... she'd much rather be watching Elmo and I can only take so much of the "La la" song so I'm back here in the computer room just killing time.

Another strange thing is what's going through my mind as the house is quiet. I couldn't imagine living like this, alone without him. Then of course my mind drifts into panic... what if something happens to him while he's out and about. He's in a wreck, the gun backfires and he gets hurt... I'm wacked like that. I just can't wait to have him home again and know that he's safe

Even though it's only been a few hours of a quiet house, my heart appreciates him more right now. Guess it just takes a few hours of being alone to make me realize just how much I have to loose and how my life were to change if anything were to happen to him. I literally would not be able to live without him.....

Ya know when you get up and you're on your way to work innocently and get side-swiped not even 10 blocks from your house.... you should have stayed in bed. Unbelievable, eh? Yeah that isn't even the kicker. The girl slams into the side of my car rips the mirror off and KEEPS DRIVING!!!! I had to chase her 8 blocks before she even pulled over. In the meantime, I'm on my cell phone with the 911 operator yelling that some idiot just side-swiped me and kept driving that I was behind her and she wouldn't pull over. I was laying on the horn and giving the operator her license plate number. Finally she decides to pull over and get out. I'm still on the phone with 911 and the first thing I said to her was "What are you an idiot?? Why the HELL would you hit me and then keep going???" The operator told me to calm down that she understood that I was upset but didn't want a fight to start and that the cop was on his way. Her reaction? Calmly said "Oh I'm so sorry for hitting you." I swear to you this girl was unbelievably calm. I thought she was either high or drunk, mind you it's before 8:30am. Young, she was very very young. After the cop arrived I found out that she wasn't drunk but that he had spoke to her mother and the girl had a "medical condition" (no elaboration) and that she was 17 yrs old. The reason for her not stopping after she hit me? She was scared and wanted to drive home to see if her mom was home. I was so shook up but quickly calmed down after my husband arrived and the cop acknowledged it being her fault.

So Joel and I are standing there and I see some type of fluid leaking under where the drivers door is (this is where the impact occured). I thought it was gas but Joel smelled it and said it wasn't gas but thought perhaps that it was brake fluid. The cop came back and smelled it too and said that it was brake fluid and the car would have to be towed because it was leaking so badly. I don't even know at this point whether or not the damage to the vehicle is less than the vehicle is worth. I mean this was our older vehicle (thank God for that) and it is paid off, but it's a '99 and has a lot of miles. I would say if the damage is any more than $3000 they'll end up totaling the car. That sucks though, because it was paid for and where else we gonna find a vehicle (reliable) for $3000??

This morning we were able to pick up a rental which will get us around until her insurance company (thank God she was living with Mommy and Mommy was forking out for insurance) can do an estimate on the damage.

So, needless to say yesterday just "went". I don't even remember anything specifically about what I did at work as my mind was off track for the rest of the day. I hate that.

Anyways, even though these pictures don't show much.... here's our little cop and our banged up car. I've always hated that car, but now that it's hurt.... I dunno I'm kinda sad :(

:YAWN:

I'm so tired tonight. I've been yawning since early this afternoon. It's now 11:14pm and I swear I could have went to bed at 7pm! What I'm still doing up is beyond me. I know... .my husband. Ya see I've gotten to a point where if he's not there for me to rest my hand on his shoulder, I'm not able to fall asleep. Argh. Awwww. I dunno which it should be at this point. I can tell you this, I'm fixin to crash soon and crash hard. Thank God tomorrow is Friday!

He's so sweet though as he's giving his mother technical support on how to fix a computer issue/work issue she's having. Since she's in CA and we're in WV that 3 hour time difference is tough. There it's only 8:15 right now, so that poor lady pretty much has been on the phone since she got home from work. But I think it's real cool to listen to them chit chat back and forth. Not that I'm being nosey and listening (nor do I understand a word he's saying), but since our computers are in one room it's a given that I hear. I should have made the most of my evening and did laundry and loaded up the dishwasher, but that of course would involve movement. I can barely blink my eyes, let alone do "manual" labor. I don't even want to think about the laundry. Now, let's just set the story straight here. I don't have a problem seperating, washing, drying, even folding.... it's the "putting away" part I just hate. Well there's only so many times you can throw clean clothes from one side of the room to another before they start to get a bit wrinkled. So needless to say most of our clean clothes are wrinkly. Maybe that'll be a goal to accomplish this weekend... but right now it's making me weaker by the moment just thinking about it.

My eye is really bothering me. It's puffy and kind of itching. There was a case of "Pink Eye" going around at work.... it's been so long since I've had "Pink Eye" that I can't even remember the symptoms. Hmmm.... maybe that's a way to waste another 15 or so minutes. I'mma go look.

Goodnight fellow bloggers :O

From the cats....very cute!

By the way...

I HATE that Blogger has changed their home page. Remember they used to have 3 blog names scrolling at once? Now there's only one and it scrolls so fast you barely have time to read it, let alone click on it. This was the method I used to find most of the awesome blogs I visit daily... ARGH!!!! I went to their site to file a complaint but saw nothing with the word "CONTACT".

Anyone have any ideas how to email them a bitch blurb?

Thursday - day after "Hump Day", day before TGIF

Well, I'm back to a normal sleep pattern. Not sure what "moment" that was but boy am I glad it's over with! Funny thing is I was more sleepy the day after my marathon awakening then I was that day. Strange.

Now that I'm sleeping normally, I've been able to enjoy the past few evenings with my husband. We've watched movies the last 2 nights, of course it had to be before American Idol (which I'll elaborate on a bit more later). Tuesday night we watched "Codename: Cleaner" with Cedric the Entertainer. Cute movie. Had a few laugh out loud moments. Last night we watched "Buying the Cow", that on the other hand is HILARIOUS! I laugh every time I see it. Actually we bought that one, couldn't even find it to rent but that's ok. It was definitly a buy movie, one that you can watch over and over again.

Work has been, well work. I'm just glad I'm in the office behind closed doors and not out on the floor. We've had a shortage of nurses for some time now, not sure what's going on there but hope that it soon changes. Overworked people are stressed and stressed people are grouchy, especially if you're the one that does their check. That'd be me. Every time I hear the door swing open and see a white coat, I cringe. So far (knock on wood), this paycheck has proven to have no major issues. I love it when that happens. I guess what they say is true... everyone likes payday except for the payroll person.

I spent 2 precious hours away from my husband last night watching American Idol (simply because he refuses to watch it with me, actually I think he'd rather dance on glass) and for the first time I was so ready for it to be OVER!! I only tune in mainly to hear them sing and to see who is gonna get the boot. Two, yes 2, looooong hours I sat there and waited to find out that they weren't giving anyone the boot. I was so pissed. Now next week will make up for it as they will give 2 the boot, however I'm still recovering from the pain of last night. Ugh. I mean I had to listen to Earth, Wind, and Fire sing.... if that isn't torture enough, what else? Oh yes... that would be Celine Dion singing with Elvis. Oh brother. Besides every time they showed those kids I'd cry. Now there's just all kinds of wrong about that. I would blame it on hormones, but ya know.

Now I don't typically pay back, per say, but I'll take this oppurtunity to do so. My husband took the oppurtunity not long ago to blog about my actions upon having a bowel movement (I open the bathroom window when I poop, now what's so bad about that eh?). So let me take this oppurtunity to share a few little secrets about my wonderful husband. First, let's cover the proven fact that this man is the most amazing man in the world - however - he does blow some stinky air. Secondly my husband has a "foot fork". That's right ladies and gents, he has claimed a kitchen fork (one you eat with) as a foot scratcher. God forbid if that fork ever get mixed up with one of the ones in the kitchen drawer. Ewww. Actually I've stomped my foot and counted to three (Oh Brother Where Art Thou) and told him it's the woman law that he keeps this "foot fork" at his desk at all times. No exceptions. So far he's abided by this law. Hmmmm, now that I've told these things it looks as though he may have still won out on me by sharing my poop practice. Ah well... it was fun while it lasted.

I love you honey, don't forget that :)

Sleep

Typically I have no problems with sleep. Last night was a different story. We went to bed around midnight (our usual time) and I was so awake. I mean "energy awake". I laid there and kept Joel awake chatting until all I heard was an "Uh". Poor thing. He has this problem a lot and here's a night when he could have just crashed when his head hits the pillow and here's his wife yapping up a storm. So I got up. I got on the computer and browsed blogs a bit (my past time when there's nothing really interesting to look for online, besides what can you possibly find interesting at 2am?). After reading up on some of my favorite blogs and checking email, I decided to play an online game. Well I downloaded a trial version of probably one of the dumbest games I've ever seen. But it's like I couldn't stop playing. Finally when the game said I was doing so great and yet I had no clue what the hell I was doing, I shut it down. I went in on the couch and covered up waiting to get sleepy. At some point I thought "Ok, I can do this now", and off to bed I went (note: it's now 3:30 am). I tried to sneak quietly, but that's another thing I don't do well; besides which, the floor is too squeaky. Joel flopped over and I was just hoping that I wouldn't wake him up. I laid there, eyes wide open and wondering why I couldn't just sleep. I wanted to, I really really needed to; nothing. Then to top it all off, I went on this coughing spree. Cough, roll over, cough, uncover, cough, cover up. At this point, I was pissed. I didn't want to wake up my husband, normally he's the one that has a tough time getting to sleep so I laid there and waited for the moment for him to move, roll over... something... so I could slip out of bed and get up and, I don't know... do something other than just lay there with my eyes wide open. He didn't budge. Not a bit. So I waited, looking at the clock (now 4:48am). I guess at some point I was able to dose off while I waited for him to move. Next thing I knew, the alarm is sounding my wake-up call at 6:30am. Now, I'm surprised that I just didn't roll over and hit the snooze or better yet, throw the damn thing across the room. This told me that I had never even really been asleep. So, I got up. Went in the kitchen to let out the mutt, fed her, made coffee and proceeded to wake up my loved ones (being Joel and Faith). So I go in on the couch and sit there, looking at the clock wondering how it is that I'm going to make it through my work day on 1 1/2 hrs of sleep. Not only that, but knowing in my mind that there won't be a nap afterwards since I'll have Faith's caseworker here and then have Faith to contend with for the rest of the evening. So I call in. Of course I sound half dead beings that I only got an 1 1/2 sleep and actually wasn't feeling well on top of it all, more than likely because I got no sleep. I felt bad, guilty even for even calling in. But really... what good would I do them anyways? They gonna pay me to sit there and be a zombie for 8 hours? I hated it even more to know that my husband goes through this all the time. Guilt for that too, not understanding how he could just call in and stay in bed. This is the kicker though.... it's now 10:18am and do you believe that I still can't get to sleep. It's official, I've now been up 24 hrs. I've done it before, but today it's getting on my nerves. No reason, no explanation... just can't sleep.

Ok, now I know I'm delusional...... I've just blogged an entire section on sleep. Time to try this again, I guess.

Summer Time

I have a vision.

The outside of the house needs color. Now I'm not the green-thumb kinda girl, but these I think I can do. Seen a commercial on TV of these flowers that you just roll out and boom.. they grow. No planting, no digging, no dirty fingers.... roll and water then you have color. I love anything that effortless.

Today we went out and cleaned up the front of the outside a bit. We don't have much of a yard, but what we do have needed trimmed and cleaned up. It's starting to look nice already. The landlord is coming next week to pressure wash the front of the house and then we're going to pick up some new porch furniture. I'm gonna try my hand at these roll flowers and then we're going to get some grass seed where the dog has somehow made the grass disappear. I get excited this time of year. Love being outdoors with the sun. It's not too hot and not too cold, but I fear that maybe Joel's love of this time of the year isn't quite as shared. He came out and helped clean out the front, actually he had the worse part... picking up the dog poop. It's actually cute though, he gets on his blue gloves and is just a good lil pooper picker-upper. I'm hoping that after he reads this he won't appoint that my new job duty. It won't happen, I can't even stand to look at the stuff. The only poop I can do is baby poop, and that's only if it's my baby.

So we're off to WalMart some time today, maybe tomorrow, to pick up some stuff to get this venture started. Summer Time rocks!

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free. In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved. You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change. You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please. Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with. Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred. In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH night

I'm bored and cannot wait for bed.... too much Spongebob can do that to a person. No interaction with anyone over the age of 8 yrs old.... maybe I'll just call it a night now.

Backstabbing &#@^$

Work today was horrible.


Started off well. I had an agenda and my goal was to get everything done. Around 10am my Supervisor asked to talk to me about a few things. Immediately I start thinking if there had been something I had said to make this happen. Couldn't think of a thing.



So she tells me that there are a few things that I will be assisting Human Resource to complete. I was fine with that, even smiled a bit thinking that it was a good thing. Then she hit me with the fact of someone going to the Administrator about personal email.



To make a long story short: The new HR Director (not there even 2 months yet) had been having an absolute horrible day at work on Friday (Friday before Easter weekend). I told her it would get better and decided to send her off an E-Card for a "picker upper", ya know just to make her smile. I had realized since I signed up for the E-Card service under my personal email I should probably tell her that she would be getting an email and may not recognize the addy. So when confronted, I recalled this incident. Now granted, I do access my hotmail from work between work tasks but it's not like I sit and send emails all day long. Anyways, I felt horrible. I knew I was in the wrong and shouldn't have done it on company time. I forwarded an email to the Administrator apologizing for my behavior. I thought that the HR Director more than likely had mentioned to someone the E-Card I sent to cheer her up and that person went to the Administrator voicing that I must have too much free time on my hands. Like it takes more than 2 minutes to forward an E-Card.



I was alright with the confrontation as I knew that I was in the wrong; actually felt like a complete ass. However towards the end of the day the HR Director came over to fax something. I had a magazine laying on my desk and mentioned to her that I'd be putting in an order and told her if she wanted to look through it and wanted something I would include her order. She barked at me that I was soliciting and that it wasn't allowed. Argh! I don't get squat for putting in the order, just was trying to be nice. So much for that.



Maybe it was her that ran her mouth. From now on I'll work to work, no personal business at all or any type of conversation other than work. Think they'll get the picture then? I'm still pissed about it.

Easter Saturday & Sunday

That's right.... 2 Easter days!

Actually Easter dinner was held on Saturday with family, today however I spent it all alone with my husband. Well aside from this morning before I took Faith to her daddy. After dropping Faith off we decided to swing into Blockbuster to pick up a few movies. We then came home after grabbing a Starbucks (well, a few Starbucks. Long story short: They got my coffee wrong, I wasn't happy, I complained, they gave me not one to correct the incorrect but also two coupons for our next trip back. Needless to say I'm high on coffee at 11pm. Who says it doesn't pay to be a bitch sometimes). We nestled into our couch positions and watched two movies; "Her Minor Thing" and then "Addicted to Love". Both were cute, but I have to admit the second was so good we decided to head out to Video World across town and pick up a few more. We then came home (with pizza) and watched "Partner(s)"... we haven't yet watched the 4th which is called "Town & Country", which seems like it's going to be good; well aside from the fact that Garry Shandling stars in it. Hopefully he plays the jackass, honestly he'd be portraying himself. He just gets on my nerves. The upside is that Diane Keaton is in it and I just adore her. Good Lord I hope I look that well at age 60. Actually I wish I looked that well now! Eh, I guess in Hollywood anything is possible.

So that's been my weekend. Cooked most of Saturday and had our Easter dinner.... and today rest and relax with my hubby. I must say today has been the end to a perfect weekend (aside from all the cooking, that is).

Happy Easter

Eh, stuff.....

There's not much really to say, except maybe a slight guilt for not posting in almost a week. A week? Wow, what a slacker I've turned into, eh? :)

I did recieve news on the WLS, actually have known that for awhile and just realized that I hadn't posted about it yet. It's a go. The stupid insurance girl that I spoke to told me that Dr Nease was not in network, but that turned out to be false. The insurance girl from Dr Nease's office called and he IS in network so that was pretty great news. I actually recieved my first bill from his office. Ugh. Not so great news. They only paid $14 of the bill which means I'm obligated to pay $201.60; now the way I understand it I'll have to pay 80% up to $1100 then they'll pick up from there. Now if I'm understanding that correctly, then "YIPPEE"; however since insurance companies refuse to convey to you in Layman terms what's covered and what's not, I'm going to forward this info to the insurance lady from Dr. Nease's office. I'm sure she'll make better sense of it then I can. Meanwhile, on the back end of things I'm getting ready to do my 2nd eval with my PCP on the 23rd and also working on scheduling the dietician. I've opted to travel to Huntington to complete that, I figure that one whom has dealt with Dr Nease's patients before is gonna know exactly what needs to be done. I'd hate to go to some bozo up here and they end up not providing the info that the insurance requires. Besides, I'd rather deal with his close by affiliates as opposed to someone he doesn't know. I also have to get more blood work and also another EKG. He wants to be sure that the "abnormal" EKG was from lead placement rather than something we need to check into a bit more. I'll feel a bit more comfortable about it all once Jackie (Dr Nease's insurance girl) reads over the email I got about coverage. I swear I can't make heads or tails of it. Want to feel as dumb as a rock? Get an email from your insurance company who is trying to explain your benefits. Out of network, in network, in network deductible, out of network deductible.... who can make heads or tails of it? Blah, I'll leave that up to the professionals. All I care to hear is "Yes". If I hear anything other than that, there's liable to be bloodshed. No names given.... yet.

Other then that, home life is... well, wonderful. There's absolutely nothing I can complain about there. OHHHHHH, hold up. I do wanna whine a bit here. My husband, yes that wonderful handsome sweet man that I married..... first let me just say the man didn't even realize that Sunday is Easter. With that said; I find out that he has Friday AND Monday off...... eh, get this..... paid. ARGH!!!! How is that even right? I work both days and we don't even get Easter as a paid holiday. "Because everyone doesn't celebrate Easter". Well la te da. I do, hence I should get it at least paid. Yeah. And the work day off before Easter to clean my house and get ready for the feast. Well, as Joel's dad used to say; "Wish in one hand......." I advised my husband since he has Friday off then he should be a good little husband and clean up the house a bit. I snickered as I said it, but actually kind of meant it. He went beyond snickering, he bellowed with laughter. I told him I was kinda of being serious, he continued to bellow with laughter. I'll remember that when we're old and gray and my husband does a do-do in his Depend and he yells for his loving wife.... we'll see who'll be bellowing with laughter then!

Work is, well work. What can I say? It's not bad and it's not great. If it were bad I'd sob every night like I did when I worked at Allegheny, if it were great then I'd be able to make the money I am now (or more) and do it from home. Have my husband for lunch.... er uh, eat lunch with my husband (sorry, did I say that out loud? My bad) and then just go into another room when the work day was complete. Thinking about that just makes me wonder... I could probably do that if I were to move in with one of the residents. Ack! Nah, I'll drive to work and drive home. Yeah that's a great idea.

Well that's the scoop. I'll keep an update as I'm sure I have at least one avid follower.... NOT.

It's A Wonderful Life!

The past couple of days have been amazing. Joel and I have been able to spend some great times together. No matter what may happen in his day or my day, it seems once we close the front door of our home it's all behind us. We laugh and love no matter how our day has ended. The evening always turns a new leaf.

Take yesterday for example; after work we head out to Blockbuster to pick up movies for our "Movie Night". On the way he begins to tell me about this little coffee shop he's stopped by the past couple of times he's went out of town. So, he starts telling me a lot about these folks. He knows it's a young married couple, they are looking to open another shop more local to us, where the husband works, and how the wife is originally from Montana.... SCREETCH.... umm, yeah the jealous twinge begins. After that I heard mention how he had talked to them about doing a web page for them, yada yada. The sad thing is my mind automatically went into thinking "green" (ya know, jealousy). Anyways, I sat there and heard... not really listening as my mind was completely working overtime on this one.... then I blurt out "Well, what makes you think that this stupid coffee shop will do so well around here? Don't those idiots know we have Starbucks in town?" He was a bit shocked, needless to say. He replied "How do you know they're idiots?" As you can imagine the fact that I thought he was coming to their defense, or more yet... HER defense... did not go over well at all. My entire point is this; there was a silence there for a bit. I knew as soon as I blurted out what I did I had made an ass out of myself. He, of course, was more than likely in shock about my reaction but it was within 5 minutes that we were back to laughing and joking. That is, until the redhead at Starbucks. Yeah, well let's just say that my husband is very understanding and patient with me on my insecurity and jealousy and I have to say that on those bad days is when I realize just what a lucky woman I really am.

The rest of the evening was spent watching TV and a movie, aside from the time that my husband refuses to watch American Idol with me. In that time he got in a few rounds of his computer game, but as soon as Idol went off he was right in there holding and kissing me.

Oh yes, It is a wonderful life!

The Importance of Desire

I've never really had the need to feel desired, never even really thought about the importance of it. But as of late, I'm realizing that I, as does everyone, have the need to feel desired. It was so much the furthest thing from my mind that I had to actually look up the "proper" meaning from the dictionary.

desire =
1. to wish or long for; crave; want.
2. to express a wish to obtain; ask for; request.
3. a longing or craving, as for something that brings satisfaction or enjoyment.
4. an expressed wish; request.

After much pondering the issues with desire, I realize that I face this dreaded word on a daily basis. Not only in relationships with loved ones, but also at my place of work. I want to be desired, I want people to need me there as well as at home. If I wasn't needed, then I wouldn't be an attribute to them... therefore I wouldn't have a job.

So everyday everyone has the need to be desired, more so in certain circumstances than in others. When you don't have the feeling of desire then it makes a person feel worthless, insignificant, valueless, repulsive..... not attractive, not needed. I don't need any help in those areas, I feel that all on my own.

So as little as I've thought about it in the past..... desire is something that affects each and everyone of us, whether it be in a relationship or at a workplace.

It is important.

What Is This World Coming To???

WASHINGTON - A high school principal was acting reasonably and in accord with the school's anti-drug mission when she suspended a student for displaying a "Bong Hits 4 Jesus" banner, her lawyer told the Supreme Court Monday.
"The message here is, in fact, critical," the lawyer, former independent counsel Kenneth Starr, said during a lively argument about whether the principal violated the constitutional rights of the student.
On the other side, attorney Douglas Mertz of Juneau, Alaska, urged the justices to see the case as being about free speech, not drugs.
Justice Stephen Breyer, addressing Mertz, said he is struggling with the case because a ruling in Frederick's favor could encourage students to go to absurd lengths to test those limits.
A ruling for Morse, however, "may really limit free speech," Breyer said.

Emotional Me

I feel sad today. I feel frustrated and agitated. I woke up this way.

I haven't felt like this in awhile and I'm proud of myself for that, but it seems to be making up for lost time. Maybe it was the trip to Huntington and the thought of possibly not having this surgery. I'm pissed that I've come so close and even though I don't want to give up hope it seems to so easily come to me. Things don't typically go the way I wish, of course this past year and a half that has changed. Maybe this will happen? Maybe I need to go over hurdles to appreciate it more when/if it does happen.

I especially don't like looking in the mirror today. I hate the way I look and the way I feel. I've been trying to keep busy since we got back into town, doing house stuff, watching TV, playing games online.... but it's not working. I'm literally sick thinking about how there is a possibility that I will always look this way, feel this way about myself. Today is a day that I could crawl into bed and just cry.

I just want to love myself. For once in my life I want to love me..... that's not so bad, is it?
I really miss my Mom on days like this.