Roller Coaster Week

So much has happened over the course of this week, it seems like the week has been a year.

Monday my husband got the boot. Not fired, however his company could "no longer afford him" and eliminated his position. Yup, just like that. Went to work that morning and came home that afternoon unemployed. No severance, no warning, and it seemed no sympathy. So, the owner doesn't know how to run a business (my opinion, not my husbands) - "I'm sorry Joel, it has nothing to do with your job performance or anything however my company is in a bad way right now and I had to borrow to make payroll last week". Oh geez buddy, thanks a lot. Sympathy goes out to you, since it's YOUR fault your digging your hole. In the meantime, is sorry gonna pay our bills? I was livid. I was scared. I was sad for my husband. He's the type of person that automatically thinks when something like this happens, that he's not good enough. Well, he was too good for that company anyways. That's a fact, not my opinion. Now, I'm not putting down his co-workers at all, in fact I feel sorry for them for having to stay employed at a place that could crash at a moments notice.

I'll get off my high horse... for now anyways.

To make a long story short. My husband goes to the unemployment office the next day and finds out he is eligible for benefits. Well, if that's what you would call them. $154 a week doesn't even come close to what he was making, but something was better than nothing. That was a bit of a relief. And remember the car accident? Well, got a call from the lady's insurance company and they totaled our car. I guess if at any time it's good that your car gets totaled, it's when one of you loose your job. So we were thankful for that, of course a clump of money only lasts so long to pay bills and such. But it was a relief. In the meantime, they are paying for a rental vehicle until May 17th.

My husband hit the pavement job searching. Made some contacts and sent some emails. It's really hard to find a job in his field around here (computers) but somehow he hit the right spot. He starts a new job on Tuesday. Not nearly what he was making at the old job, but definitely more than what his unemployment would have been. Besides, there's more opportunity for him to advance and grow. I'm excited for him and I'm so shocked at the turn around time.... don't know very many folks that can say they were only unemployed less than a week. But my honey is a go-getter and he went and got. Yay honey. Of course he's going to keep the door open for other options, but the biggest challenge has been met.

Like I said.... the roller coaster started on the down and moved up pretty quickly. So quick I didn't get motion sickness!

Appreciation

Sunday. I love Sundays. Just a time to rest and relax and be with your family and a good way to prepare for your work week.

It's around 2:30pm and the house is a bit quiet. I hear the dishwasher and dryer running, Faith is in the Living Room watching her man (Elmo) and my husband took off for an afternoon with the father in law (my dad) to site in the gun he got last week. Not something I had ever anticipated on happening, but he seemed to be a bit excited about it all. He never goes out and even though today isn't like a night at the bar with buddies, I think it's good that he gets some time for him. I miss him though, it's strange but I do. I mean he's only been gone a couple of hours and to be honest... I'm a bit bored. Nobody to talk to and Faith isn't interested in playing with Mommy... she'd much rather be watching Elmo and I can only take so much of the "La la" song so I'm back here in the computer room just killing time.

Another strange thing is what's going through my mind as the house is quiet. I couldn't imagine living like this, alone without him. Then of course my mind drifts into panic... what if something happens to him while he's out and about. He's in a wreck, the gun backfires and he gets hurt... I'm wacked like that. I just can't wait to have him home again and know that he's safe

Even though it's only been a few hours of a quiet house, my heart appreciates him more right now. Guess it just takes a few hours of being alone to make me realize just how much I have to loose and how my life were to change if anything were to happen to him. I literally would not be able to live without him.....

Ya know when you get up and you're on your way to work innocently and get side-swiped not even 10 blocks from your house.... you should have stayed in bed. Unbelievable, eh? Yeah that isn't even the kicker. The girl slams into the side of my car rips the mirror off and KEEPS DRIVING!!!! I had to chase her 8 blocks before she even pulled over. In the meantime, I'm on my cell phone with the 911 operator yelling that some idiot just side-swiped me and kept driving that I was behind her and she wouldn't pull over. I was laying on the horn and giving the operator her license plate number. Finally she decides to pull over and get out. I'm still on the phone with 911 and the first thing I said to her was "What are you an idiot?? Why the HELL would you hit me and then keep going???" The operator told me to calm down that she understood that I was upset but didn't want a fight to start and that the cop was on his way. Her reaction? Calmly said "Oh I'm so sorry for hitting you." I swear to you this girl was unbelievably calm. I thought she was either high or drunk, mind you it's before 8:30am. Young, she was very very young. After the cop arrived I found out that she wasn't drunk but that he had spoke to her mother and the girl had a "medical condition" (no elaboration) and that she was 17 yrs old. The reason for her not stopping after she hit me? She was scared and wanted to drive home to see if her mom was home. I was so shook up but quickly calmed down after my husband arrived and the cop acknowledged it being her fault.

So Joel and I are standing there and I see some type of fluid leaking under where the drivers door is (this is where the impact occured). I thought it was gas but Joel smelled it and said it wasn't gas but thought perhaps that it was brake fluid. The cop came back and smelled it too and said that it was brake fluid and the car would have to be towed because it was leaking so badly. I don't even know at this point whether or not the damage to the vehicle is less than the vehicle is worth. I mean this was our older vehicle (thank God for that) and it is paid off, but it's a '99 and has a lot of miles. I would say if the damage is any more than $3000 they'll end up totaling the car. That sucks though, because it was paid for and where else we gonna find a vehicle (reliable) for $3000??

This morning we were able to pick up a rental which will get us around until her insurance company (thank God she was living with Mommy and Mommy was forking out for insurance) can do an estimate on the damage.

So, needless to say yesterday just "went". I don't even remember anything specifically about what I did at work as my mind was off track for the rest of the day. I hate that.

Anyways, even though these pictures don't show much.... here's our little cop and our banged up car. I've always hated that car, but now that it's hurt.... I dunno I'm kinda sad :(

:YAWN:

I'm so tired tonight. I've been yawning since early this afternoon. It's now 11:14pm and I swear I could have went to bed at 7pm! What I'm still doing up is beyond me. I know... .my husband. Ya see I've gotten to a point where if he's not there for me to rest my hand on his shoulder, I'm not able to fall asleep. Argh. Awwww. I dunno which it should be at this point. I can tell you this, I'm fixin to crash soon and crash hard. Thank God tomorrow is Friday!

He's so sweet though as he's giving his mother technical support on how to fix a computer issue/work issue she's having. Since she's in CA and we're in WV that 3 hour time difference is tough. There it's only 8:15 right now, so that poor lady pretty much has been on the phone since she got home from work. But I think it's real cool to listen to them chit chat back and forth. Not that I'm being nosey and listening (nor do I understand a word he's saying), but since our computers are in one room it's a given that I hear. I should have made the most of my evening and did laundry and loaded up the dishwasher, but that of course would involve movement. I can barely blink my eyes, let alone do "manual" labor. I don't even want to think about the laundry. Now, let's just set the story straight here. I don't have a problem seperating, washing, drying, even folding.... it's the "putting away" part I just hate. Well there's only so many times you can throw clean clothes from one side of the room to another before they start to get a bit wrinkled. So needless to say most of our clean clothes are wrinkly. Maybe that'll be a goal to accomplish this weekend... but right now it's making me weaker by the moment just thinking about it.

My eye is really bothering me. It's puffy and kind of itching. There was a case of "Pink Eye" going around at work.... it's been so long since I've had "Pink Eye" that I can't even remember the symptoms. Hmmm.... maybe that's a way to waste another 15 or so minutes. I'mma go look.

Goodnight fellow bloggers :O

From the cats....very cute!

By the way...

I HATE that Blogger has changed their home page. Remember they used to have 3 blog names scrolling at once? Now there's only one and it scrolls so fast you barely have time to read it, let alone click on it. This was the method I used to find most of the awesome blogs I visit daily... ARGH!!!! I went to their site to file a complaint but saw nothing with the word "CONTACT".

Anyone have any ideas how to email them a bitch blurb?

Thursday - day after "Hump Day", day before TGIF

Well, I'm back to a normal sleep pattern. Not sure what "moment" that was but boy am I glad it's over with! Funny thing is I was more sleepy the day after my marathon awakening then I was that day. Strange.

Now that I'm sleeping normally, I've been able to enjoy the past few evenings with my husband. We've watched movies the last 2 nights, of course it had to be before American Idol (which I'll elaborate on a bit more later). Tuesday night we watched "Codename: Cleaner" with Cedric the Entertainer. Cute movie. Had a few laugh out loud moments. Last night we watched "Buying the Cow", that on the other hand is HILARIOUS! I laugh every time I see it. Actually we bought that one, couldn't even find it to rent but that's ok. It was definitly a buy movie, one that you can watch over and over again.

Work has been, well work. I'm just glad I'm in the office behind closed doors and not out on the floor. We've had a shortage of nurses for some time now, not sure what's going on there but hope that it soon changes. Overworked people are stressed and stressed people are grouchy, especially if you're the one that does their check. That'd be me. Every time I hear the door swing open and see a white coat, I cringe. So far (knock on wood), this paycheck has proven to have no major issues. I love it when that happens. I guess what they say is true... everyone likes payday except for the payroll person.

I spent 2 precious hours away from my husband last night watching American Idol (simply because he refuses to watch it with me, actually I think he'd rather dance on glass) and for the first time I was so ready for it to be OVER!! I only tune in mainly to hear them sing and to see who is gonna get the boot. Two, yes 2, looooong hours I sat there and waited to find out that they weren't giving anyone the boot. I was so pissed. Now next week will make up for it as they will give 2 the boot, however I'm still recovering from the pain of last night. Ugh. I mean I had to listen to Earth, Wind, and Fire sing.... if that isn't torture enough, what else? Oh yes... that would be Celine Dion singing with Elvis. Oh brother. Besides every time they showed those kids I'd cry. Now there's just all kinds of wrong about that. I would blame it on hormones, but ya know.

Now I don't typically pay back, per say, but I'll take this oppurtunity to do so. My husband took the oppurtunity not long ago to blog about my actions upon having a bowel movement (I open the bathroom window when I poop, now what's so bad about that eh?). So let me take this oppurtunity to share a few little secrets about my wonderful husband. First, let's cover the proven fact that this man is the most amazing man in the world - however - he does blow some stinky air. Secondly my husband has a "foot fork". That's right ladies and gents, he has claimed a kitchen fork (one you eat with) as a foot scratcher. God forbid if that fork ever get mixed up with one of the ones in the kitchen drawer. Ewww. Actually I've stomped my foot and counted to three (Oh Brother Where Art Thou) and told him it's the woman law that he keeps this "foot fork" at his desk at all times. No exceptions. So far he's abided by this law. Hmmmm, now that I've told these things it looks as though he may have still won out on me by sharing my poop practice. Ah well... it was fun while it lasted.

I love you honey, don't forget that :)

Sleep

Typically I have no problems with sleep. Last night was a different story. We went to bed around midnight (our usual time) and I was so awake. I mean "energy awake". I laid there and kept Joel awake chatting until all I heard was an "Uh". Poor thing. He has this problem a lot and here's a night when he could have just crashed when his head hits the pillow and here's his wife yapping up a storm. So I got up. I got on the computer and browsed blogs a bit (my past time when there's nothing really interesting to look for online, besides what can you possibly find interesting at 2am?). After reading up on some of my favorite blogs and checking email, I decided to play an online game. Well I downloaded a trial version of probably one of the dumbest games I've ever seen. But it's like I couldn't stop playing. Finally when the game said I was doing so great and yet I had no clue what the hell I was doing, I shut it down. I went in on the couch and covered up waiting to get sleepy. At some point I thought "Ok, I can do this now", and off to bed I went (note: it's now 3:30 am). I tried to sneak quietly, but that's another thing I don't do well; besides which, the floor is too squeaky. Joel flopped over and I was just hoping that I wouldn't wake him up. I laid there, eyes wide open and wondering why I couldn't just sleep. I wanted to, I really really needed to; nothing. Then to top it all off, I went on this coughing spree. Cough, roll over, cough, uncover, cough, cover up. At this point, I was pissed. I didn't want to wake up my husband, normally he's the one that has a tough time getting to sleep so I laid there and waited for the moment for him to move, roll over... something... so I could slip out of bed and get up and, I don't know... do something other than just lay there with my eyes wide open. He didn't budge. Not a bit. So I waited, looking at the clock (now 4:48am). I guess at some point I was able to dose off while I waited for him to move. Next thing I knew, the alarm is sounding my wake-up call at 6:30am. Now, I'm surprised that I just didn't roll over and hit the snooze or better yet, throw the damn thing across the room. This told me that I had never even really been asleep. So, I got up. Went in the kitchen to let out the mutt, fed her, made coffee and proceeded to wake up my loved ones (being Joel and Faith). So I go in on the couch and sit there, looking at the clock wondering how it is that I'm going to make it through my work day on 1 1/2 hrs of sleep. Not only that, but knowing in my mind that there won't be a nap afterwards since I'll have Faith's caseworker here and then have Faith to contend with for the rest of the evening. So I call in. Of course I sound half dead beings that I only got an 1 1/2 sleep and actually wasn't feeling well on top of it all, more than likely because I got no sleep. I felt bad, guilty even for even calling in. But really... what good would I do them anyways? They gonna pay me to sit there and be a zombie for 8 hours? I hated it even more to know that my husband goes through this all the time. Guilt for that too, not understanding how he could just call in and stay in bed. This is the kicker though.... it's now 10:18am and do you believe that I still can't get to sleep. It's official, I've now been up 24 hrs. I've done it before, but today it's getting on my nerves. No reason, no explanation... just can't sleep.

Ok, now I know I'm delusional...... I've just blogged an entire section on sleep. Time to try this again, I guess.

Summer Time

I have a vision.

The outside of the house needs color. Now I'm not the green-thumb kinda girl, but these I think I can do. Seen a commercial on TV of these flowers that you just roll out and boom.. they grow. No planting, no digging, no dirty fingers.... roll and water then you have color. I love anything that effortless.

Today we went out and cleaned up the front of the outside a bit. We don't have much of a yard, but what we do have needed trimmed and cleaned up. It's starting to look nice already. The landlord is coming next week to pressure wash the front of the house and then we're going to pick up some new porch furniture. I'm gonna try my hand at these roll flowers and then we're going to get some grass seed where the dog has somehow made the grass disappear. I get excited this time of year. Love being outdoors with the sun. It's not too hot and not too cold, but I fear that maybe Joel's love of this time of the year isn't quite as shared. He came out and helped clean out the front, actually he had the worse part... picking up the dog poop. It's actually cute though, he gets on his blue gloves and is just a good lil pooper picker-upper. I'm hoping that after he reads this he won't appoint that my new job duty. It won't happen, I can't even stand to look at the stuff. The only poop I can do is baby poop, and that's only if it's my baby.

So we're off to WalMart some time today, maybe tomorrow, to pick up some stuff to get this venture started. Summer Time rocks!

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free. In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved. You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change. You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please. Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with. Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred. In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH night

I'm bored and cannot wait for bed.... too much Spongebob can do that to a person. No interaction with anyone over the age of 8 yrs old.... maybe I'll just call it a night now.

Backstabbing &#@^$

Work today was horrible.


Started off well. I had an agenda and my goal was to get everything done. Around 10am my Supervisor asked to talk to me about a few things. Immediately I start thinking if there had been something I had said to make this happen. Couldn't think of a thing.



So she tells me that there are a few things that I will be assisting Human Resource to complete. I was fine with that, even smiled a bit thinking that it was a good thing. Then she hit me with the fact of someone going to the Administrator about personal email.



To make a long story short: The new HR Director (not there even 2 months yet) had been having an absolute horrible day at work on Friday (Friday before Easter weekend). I told her it would get better and decided to send her off an E-Card for a "picker upper", ya know just to make her smile. I had realized since I signed up for the E-Card service under my personal email I should probably tell her that she would be getting an email and may not recognize the addy. So when confronted, I recalled this incident. Now granted, I do access my hotmail from work between work tasks but it's not like I sit and send emails all day long. Anyways, I felt horrible. I knew I was in the wrong and shouldn't have done it on company time. I forwarded an email to the Administrator apologizing for my behavior. I thought that the HR Director more than likely had mentioned to someone the E-Card I sent to cheer her up and that person went to the Administrator voicing that I must have too much free time on my hands. Like it takes more than 2 minutes to forward an E-Card.



I was alright with the confrontation as I knew that I was in the wrong; actually felt like a complete ass. However towards the end of the day the HR Director came over to fax something. I had a magazine laying on my desk and mentioned to her that I'd be putting in an order and told her if she wanted to look through it and wanted something I would include her order. She barked at me that I was soliciting and that it wasn't allowed. Argh! I don't get squat for putting in the order, just was trying to be nice. So much for that.



Maybe it was her that ran her mouth. From now on I'll work to work, no personal business at all or any type of conversation other than work. Think they'll get the picture then? I'm still pissed about it.

Easter Saturday & Sunday

That's right.... 2 Easter days!

Actually Easter dinner was held on Saturday with family, today however I spent it all alone with my husband. Well aside from this morning before I took Faith to her daddy. After dropping Faith off we decided to swing into Blockbuster to pick up a few movies. We then came home after grabbing a Starbucks (well, a few Starbucks. Long story short: They got my coffee wrong, I wasn't happy, I complained, they gave me not one to correct the incorrect but also two coupons for our next trip back. Needless to say I'm high on coffee at 11pm. Who says it doesn't pay to be a bitch sometimes). We nestled into our couch positions and watched two movies; "Her Minor Thing" and then "Addicted to Love". Both were cute, but I have to admit the second was so good we decided to head out to Video World across town and pick up a few more. We then came home (with pizza) and watched "Partner(s)"... we haven't yet watched the 4th which is called "Town & Country", which seems like it's going to be good; well aside from the fact that Garry Shandling stars in it. Hopefully he plays the jackass, honestly he'd be portraying himself. He just gets on my nerves. The upside is that Diane Keaton is in it and I just adore her. Good Lord I hope I look that well at age 60. Actually I wish I looked that well now! Eh, I guess in Hollywood anything is possible.

So that's been my weekend. Cooked most of Saturday and had our Easter dinner.... and today rest and relax with my hubby. I must say today has been the end to a perfect weekend (aside from all the cooking, that is).

Happy Easter

Eh, stuff.....

There's not much really to say, except maybe a slight guilt for not posting in almost a week. A week? Wow, what a slacker I've turned into, eh? :)

I did recieve news on the WLS, actually have known that for awhile and just realized that I hadn't posted about it yet. It's a go. The stupid insurance girl that I spoke to told me that Dr Nease was not in network, but that turned out to be false. The insurance girl from Dr Nease's office called and he IS in network so that was pretty great news. I actually recieved my first bill from his office. Ugh. Not so great news. They only paid $14 of the bill which means I'm obligated to pay $201.60; now the way I understand it I'll have to pay 80% up to $1100 then they'll pick up from there. Now if I'm understanding that correctly, then "YIPPEE"; however since insurance companies refuse to convey to you in Layman terms what's covered and what's not, I'm going to forward this info to the insurance lady from Dr. Nease's office. I'm sure she'll make better sense of it then I can. Meanwhile, on the back end of things I'm getting ready to do my 2nd eval with my PCP on the 23rd and also working on scheduling the dietician. I've opted to travel to Huntington to complete that, I figure that one whom has dealt with Dr Nease's patients before is gonna know exactly what needs to be done. I'd hate to go to some bozo up here and they end up not providing the info that the insurance requires. Besides, I'd rather deal with his close by affiliates as opposed to someone he doesn't know. I also have to get more blood work and also another EKG. He wants to be sure that the "abnormal" EKG was from lead placement rather than something we need to check into a bit more. I'll feel a bit more comfortable about it all once Jackie (Dr Nease's insurance girl) reads over the email I got about coverage. I swear I can't make heads or tails of it. Want to feel as dumb as a rock? Get an email from your insurance company who is trying to explain your benefits. Out of network, in network, in network deductible, out of network deductible.... who can make heads or tails of it? Blah, I'll leave that up to the professionals. All I care to hear is "Yes". If I hear anything other than that, there's liable to be bloodshed. No names given.... yet.

Other then that, home life is... well, wonderful. There's absolutely nothing I can complain about there. OHHHHHH, hold up. I do wanna whine a bit here. My husband, yes that wonderful handsome sweet man that I married..... first let me just say the man didn't even realize that Sunday is Easter. With that said; I find out that he has Friday AND Monday off...... eh, get this..... paid. ARGH!!!! How is that even right? I work both days and we don't even get Easter as a paid holiday. "Because everyone doesn't celebrate Easter". Well la te da. I do, hence I should get it at least paid. Yeah. And the work day off before Easter to clean my house and get ready for the feast. Well, as Joel's dad used to say; "Wish in one hand......." I advised my husband since he has Friday off then he should be a good little husband and clean up the house a bit. I snickered as I said it, but actually kind of meant it. He went beyond snickering, he bellowed with laughter. I told him I was kinda of being serious, he continued to bellow with laughter. I'll remember that when we're old and gray and my husband does a do-do in his Depend and he yells for his loving wife.... we'll see who'll be bellowing with laughter then!

Work is, well work. What can I say? It's not bad and it's not great. If it were bad I'd sob every night like I did when I worked at Allegheny, if it were great then I'd be able to make the money I am now (or more) and do it from home. Have my husband for lunch.... er uh, eat lunch with my husband (sorry, did I say that out loud? My bad) and then just go into another room when the work day was complete. Thinking about that just makes me wonder... I could probably do that if I were to move in with one of the residents. Ack! Nah, I'll drive to work and drive home. Yeah that's a great idea.

Well that's the scoop. I'll keep an update as I'm sure I have at least one avid follower.... NOT.

It's A Wonderful Life!

The past couple of days have been amazing. Joel and I have been able to spend some great times together. No matter what may happen in his day or my day, it seems once we close the front door of our home it's all behind us. We laugh and love no matter how our day has ended. The evening always turns a new leaf.

Take yesterday for example; after work we head out to Blockbuster to pick up movies for our "Movie Night". On the way he begins to tell me about this little coffee shop he's stopped by the past couple of times he's went out of town. So, he starts telling me a lot about these folks. He knows it's a young married couple, they are looking to open another shop more local to us, where the husband works, and how the wife is originally from Montana.... SCREETCH.... umm, yeah the jealous twinge begins. After that I heard mention how he had talked to them about doing a web page for them, yada yada. The sad thing is my mind automatically went into thinking "green" (ya know, jealousy). Anyways, I sat there and heard... not really listening as my mind was completely working overtime on this one.... then I blurt out "Well, what makes you think that this stupid coffee shop will do so well around here? Don't those idiots know we have Starbucks in town?" He was a bit shocked, needless to say. He replied "How do you know they're idiots?" As you can imagine the fact that I thought he was coming to their defense, or more yet... HER defense... did not go over well at all. My entire point is this; there was a silence there for a bit. I knew as soon as I blurted out what I did I had made an ass out of myself. He, of course, was more than likely in shock about my reaction but it was within 5 minutes that we were back to laughing and joking. That is, until the redhead at Starbucks. Yeah, well let's just say that my husband is very understanding and patient with me on my insecurity and jealousy and I have to say that on those bad days is when I realize just what a lucky woman I really am.

The rest of the evening was spent watching TV and a movie, aside from the time that my husband refuses to watch American Idol with me. In that time he got in a few rounds of his computer game, but as soon as Idol went off he was right in there holding and kissing me.

Oh yes, It is a wonderful life!

The Importance of Desire

I've never really had the need to feel desired, never even really thought about the importance of it. But as of late, I'm realizing that I, as does everyone, have the need to feel desired. It was so much the furthest thing from my mind that I had to actually look up the "proper" meaning from the dictionary.

desire =
1. to wish or long for; crave; want.
2. to express a wish to obtain; ask for; request.
3. a longing or craving, as for something that brings satisfaction or enjoyment.
4. an expressed wish; request.

After much pondering the issues with desire, I realize that I face this dreaded word on a daily basis. Not only in relationships with loved ones, but also at my place of work. I want to be desired, I want people to need me there as well as at home. If I wasn't needed, then I wouldn't be an attribute to them... therefore I wouldn't have a job.

So everyday everyone has the need to be desired, more so in certain circumstances than in others. When you don't have the feeling of desire then it makes a person feel worthless, insignificant, valueless, repulsive..... not attractive, not needed. I don't need any help in those areas, I feel that all on my own.

So as little as I've thought about it in the past..... desire is something that affects each and everyone of us, whether it be in a relationship or at a workplace.

It is important.

What Is This World Coming To???

WASHINGTON - A high school principal was acting reasonably and in accord with the school's anti-drug mission when she suspended a student for displaying a "Bong Hits 4 Jesus" banner, her lawyer told the Supreme Court Monday.
"The message here is, in fact, critical," the lawyer, former independent counsel Kenneth Starr, said during a lively argument about whether the principal violated the constitutional rights of the student.
On the other side, attorney Douglas Mertz of Juneau, Alaska, urged the justices to see the case as being about free speech, not drugs.
Justice Stephen Breyer, addressing Mertz, said he is struggling with the case because a ruling in Frederick's favor could encourage students to go to absurd lengths to test those limits.
A ruling for Morse, however, "may really limit free speech," Breyer said.

Emotional Me

I feel sad today. I feel frustrated and agitated. I woke up this way.

I haven't felt like this in awhile and I'm proud of myself for that, but it seems to be making up for lost time. Maybe it was the trip to Huntington and the thought of possibly not having this surgery. I'm pissed that I've come so close and even though I don't want to give up hope it seems to so easily come to me. Things don't typically go the way I wish, of course this past year and a half that has changed. Maybe this will happen? Maybe I need to go over hurdles to appreciate it more when/if it does happen.

I especially don't like looking in the mirror today. I hate the way I look and the way I feel. I've been trying to keep busy since we got back into town, doing house stuff, watching TV, playing games online.... but it's not working. I'm literally sick thinking about how there is a possibility that I will always look this way, feel this way about myself. Today is a day that I could crawl into bed and just cry.

I just want to love myself. For once in my life I want to love me..... that's not so bad, is it?
I really miss my Mom on days like this.