One More Day

To everyone who's lost someone they love
Long before it was their time
You feel like the days you had were not enough
when you said goodbye
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This is the first verse in a song I recently heard from Third Day.
The chorus continues:

When your lonely
And it feels like the whole world is falling on you
You just reach out, you just cry out to Jesus
Cry to Jesus
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There are times in my life that I feel betrayed by Him. I know He loves me, and I love Him. Feeling betrayed doesn't change my belief in Him or my love for Him, but it also doesn't erase the emptiness and hurt.

He knew this:
She was my rock. She was my heart. She was my best friend. She's the only person in my life that I knew would love me, no matter what. She was always there for me when I needed her. She held me. She rocked me. She loved me until the hurt was gone, no matter how long it took. She was there through the worst times in my life.
It's now I wish she were here to see that I get that from him, I wish she were here with me for the happiest time in my life.

I'm getting married next month. To a wonderful man. To a man I know in my heart she would love. She would be so happy for me. I wish she were here for it. I wish she were here to fix my hair, to hug me and tell me how happy she is for me. I wish she were here to tell me how beautiful I am (she was partial like that). I can see her face now. I can see her smile thru tears of happiness, and all for her little girl. I just wish she were here. I miss her so much. I'm the happiest I've ever been but out of everything I have, if I had one wish?
it would be

One More Day.

Last night I had a crazy dream;
A wish was granted just for me,
It could be for anything.

I didn't ask for money
Or a mansion in Malibu.
I simply wished, for one more day with you.

One More Day.
One more time.
One more sunset, maybe I'd be satisfied.
But then again,
I know what it would do;
Leave me wishing still, for one more day with you.

One More Day.

First thing I'd do, is pray for time to crawl.
I'd unplug the telephone,
And keep the TV off.
I'd hold you every second,
Say a million I love you's.
That's what I'd do, with one more day with you.

One More Day.
One more time.
One more sunset, maybe I'd be satisfied.
But then again, I know what it would do;
Leave me wishing still, for one more day with you.

One More Day.
One more time.

One more sunset, maybe I'd be satisfied.

But then again, I know what it would do;
Leave me wishing still, for one more day with you

Leave me wishing still, for One More Day
Leave me wishing still, for One More Day
Leave me wishing still, for One More Day with you.

One More Day.

By: Diamond Rio
____________________________________________________________________

I wish you were her mommy. I'm in love, I'm happy...what you've always wanted me to be. I wish I could feel your arms around me...that "mommy hug" you gave so well. Just once more.

I love you Mom.

Productivity Rocks!

Ok, I'm lonely....thus the reason why I'm a blogging fool the past couple of days.

Earlier I said that there was no way anything is getting done till I get a nap. Well I got a second wind and actually sitting down to take a break hoping that a third wind whirls my way. I got so much done today!!!! YAY for me!!! Got the entire ceiling painted in the bedroom, got the dining room table stained and varnished and currently I'm working on the walls. Oh yes...let's not forget the shopping trip. Joel will learn to go out of town....it's his fault I've spent so much money!!! Eh, had to try to lay the blame somewhere!

I'm yawning. This is NOT good. I wanted to at least have the bedroom done and was actually hoping for the dining room as well. I'm not going to be able to do much in the morning cuz I gotta be outta here by 1pm, possibly no later than 1:30pm. His flight lands at 3:55pm. Hmmm, let's calculate shall we? 15 hrs and 10 min!!! Woo Hoo...less than 24 hrs!!! Alrighty then, that's what I needed for that third wind.....

I'm outta here

Agenda

So after my "drama" last night I tried so hard to go to sleep and couldn't. I kept waking up to look at the time. Joel said he would call after he and his brothers got done shooting pool.

At one point I drifted off but then dreampt that the phone had rang. I remember holding it up to my ear (I fell asleep with it in my hand) and saying how glad I was that he called and asked if he had a good time. Nothing. It wasn't until I checked the caller ID that I realized he hadn't called at all. It was almost 6am and to be honest with you I was starting to worry...surprise, surprise. It's not like him to say that he would call and then doesn't.

So, I called. Left a message for him asking that he call me. His cell phone service out there was not good. I called once more as I started to drift off this time a bit more emotional about not hearing from him. He ended up calling at exactly 6am (which would be 4am SD time). We talked till around 8am (ahhh, just like the good old days) and he told me all about his day. I love listening to him talk, it's like music to my ears.

Tim picks Faith up around 3pm today and I had a plan. Notice I said "had". My plan was to finish up unpacking and making the place look as close to a home as I can, I had an agenda. Not that I won't work on it but I gotta tell ya it's not gonna be as soon as Faith leaves. I've got to get in a nap or I'll be useless. For me to nap during the day is rare, very rare. Gives the indication that I've been putting myself under a lot of stress, I say I've been putting myself under stress because there's no reason for me to be like this when he's only away for 3 days. Well...2 days, 19 hrs and 3 min. Whaaaat? The past few days it seems while I'm sleeping is the only time my stomach doesn't hurt.

I knew that I would miss him, but come on now....this is pathetic.

One more day.....actually 28hrs and 3 minutes.
No. I'm not counting down or anything....
Honest.

Why Do I Do This?

Sometimes I'm so ambivalent that I end up doing things I'm sorry for. Then my insides hurt so bad that I become emotional and the thoughts begin to roll.

I was going to write about how I'm feeling right now....but I can't even explain it.

Something is wrong with me. It's not normal to worry this much that it makes you sick inside. I don't even know why I'm crying.

It's ridiculous to be this way.

I've got to stop thinking.....it's time to go to bed.

The Hardest Goodbye

3 days. Doesn't seem like a long time, does it? Nope, not long at all.

Till I saw this in my rear-view mirror.

Pittsburgh National Airport. The last time I saw this was almost a year ago, on October 30, 2005. What I consider to be the first day of the rest of my life.

It was on a Saturday. I remember this because I worked that Saturday. I had traded off a day or two so I could move and get the new place ready for his arrival. I hardly slept a wink Friday night. I was a nervous wreck, but at the same time the excitement was overwhelming.

For those of you who don't know.....here's the story.

Joel and I met online. Not a dating service, but in a chat room. Believe me, neither of us were looking for a relationship. I was to the point of giving up any kind of hope for being in love and he's told me that he felt the same. So, we actually started chatting about the opposite sex (for him, women...for me, men). We laughed because even though we were belittling the opposite human anatomy, we were doing this as man to woman and woman to man. I don't know. I guess you had to be there to appreciate the humor.

We became close, fast. Talked about everything. Laugh. Oh God, how he made me laugh. And I think that's just one of his traits that I find the most attractive. No kidding, I would (and still do) be doing something and just all of a sudden something he said (or did) came to mind and I'd laugh aloud. Not just a smile, but actual laughter. Oh yes, his humor,personality and especially his heart were what nailed me...hook, line and sinker.

Chatting turned to phone conversations and ahh ....the phone conversations. I wish I could have recorded them and played them back to listen to years later. One night, this is no lie, we talked on the phone from about 10pm till about 6am. I didn't even sleep that night. I got off the phone with him, hopped in the shower and floated to work. He was on my mind constantly. The things he would share, his stories, the way he listened to me, the way he made me laugh. I have to smile thinking about those days, but little did I know at that time just how lucky I would soon become.

Things became serious. It got to the point that he's all I thought about and when I didn't hear from him I missed him, more than I had ever missed any man. I don't even recall how the idea of him moving here started. I believe I kept throwing it out to him in a teasing way and soon it became a decision that both of us made. Being together is what we wanted.

So after work at 4pm on October 30, 2005 I drove to Pittsburgh National Airport to pick up my future. It's funny because I can remember him saying that he was flying to West Virginia to "claim his prize". I still smile thinking about how when he said that, it melted me. I don't even remember the drive to Pittsburgh. It's a wonder I didn't get lost! Seriously. I remember nothing about the drive. I remember playing "our" music and being very excited. The nerves set in when I stood at the bottom of four sets of escalators not knowing which one he was going to come down. I glanced from one, to another, to the other, and to the last...over and over again. Watching legs slowly come down until I saw the face. He came down the escaltor which was the farthest. I knew it was him even from that distance. His tall stature and stride took my breathe away.

He walked right up to me, we spoke and he smiled. I swear I could have melted in my shoes at that moment! He embraced me and gave me a hug that sent chills. Literally. I swear I could not stop shaking. He still talks about that today, how I shook in his arms as we stood there in the airport. I tried to stop, I swear. Nobody has ever had that kind of effect on me. Ever!

That was the first day of my life.

Yesterday was the hardest goodbye I've ever had to say. Leaving that airport without him. Looking back in my rear-view mirror and knowing that there could be a possiblility that I may never see him again. I watched the shows on 9/11 and how those wives lost their husbands. How the last call from him will be a haunting memory in their mind forever. The tears they cry because they've lost him. Oh God, I can't even begin to imagine. Looking in the bedroom and not seeing him, not hearing him, smelling him or being able to touch him. Just the thought of it makes my heart ache.

The house is quiet tonight. I don't like it. God I miss him already. I miss hearing the little beeps that come from his Star Trek game (even though I moan about him playing it all the time). Watching him play with that sexy little patch of hair below his lower lip when he really concentrates on something. I miss hearing him call me baby. I miss his hug...he gives the best hugs. I miss being able to walk by him and touch him...rub his shoulder, scratch his back, touch his face.

3 days?
Yes. 3 days is a long time when your missing the one thing that you've waited for your entire life.

Have You Ever?

I'm typically not one to be able to share my feelings and it seems at times when I do, I usually become fumbled with words and it seems to come out all wrong. I often use music to express my mood, my emotions, my feelings. It's an easy way to let someone know how I feel without tripping over words. I wish it were easier for me to talk to the people I love, but I believe my past has made me grown to forget how to do that. Or, better yet...if it were like a blog. I sit and think and if I type something that has come out wrong, just backspace or delete and re-word it. Maybe that's why I tend to come here when I'm feeling so strongly about something.

So here I am.

I sat in the living room last night trying to think of a song to express love. Yes, there are many. But a song that expresses the kind of deep love where the least little thing seems to tear your world apart. All day yesterday I was upset with myself for letting one little thing hurt me so badly. I didn't know why it hurt so badly and actually at some point in my day I told myself..."Self"...yes, I actually say it like this..."You have got to be insane to allow something like this upset you this badly. Get over it. It's stupid and you expect too much. If you keep expecting like this, what you have will be taken away." Yeah. That didn't help. Now I had thoughts of loosing what I had. And as much as I fought myself yesterday I still struggled with wondering why this hurt so bad. I didn't know. I was angry that I was hurting and didn't understand why.

Have You Ever?

As I sat there on the couch hearing Elmo sing his Elmo song (I've learned to block it so it's heard and not listened to), this song came to mind. I did a search and found a link so hear the song and to read the words. You know express feelings with music.

http://www.minibite.com/romance/haveyouever.htm

Even though there are parts of the song that doesn't reflect my feelings, the chorus she sings expresses the love and how strong and deeply I feel.......well, love. I've never had this and I suppose this is the reason little things do what they do. Maybe this is why I also seem to "wait for the other shoe to drop". I never in my life imagined having this kind of love. I've never in my life felt this song before like I do now. I always wondered why someone would sing a song like this when today I can understand. Like I said, not every word in this song applies to me, but it's the passion and the emotion that I feel when I think about the love I have for him.

Baby I don't tell you enough how much you mean to me. I love you with everything I am. I may not be able to always express to you my feelings in a way that you will understand, but I do promise you that I will continue to try. Thank you for your love, your understanding, your patience, and for these feelings I wake up to every morning. Thank you for showing me how love is supposed to feel. I will treasure it always just as I will treasure you always.

With a love so strong, words cannot express.

You are my rock, my support, my refuge....you are my life.
Now and forever, you have my heart. Completely and in whole.