How?

Insecure = (in·se·cure / adj.) Not sure or certain; doubtful: Inadequately guarded or protected; unsafe: Not firm or fixed; unsteady: Lacking stability; troubled: Lacking self-confidence; plagued by anxiety.


The definition of the word goes much deeper for me. It's the life I live, the life I've known. It's the way I feel from the time my feet hit the floor in the morning until the time my head hits the pillow at night. I hate this about myself. I look in the mirror and get sick. It's ugly. It hurts. It's uncontrollable.


I wonder how I will ever get past this when it's all I've known. The more I try, the worse it gets. No reason given to feel this way, he's wonderful and I see the love in his eyes. I'm scared. I'm scared that me feeling this way and this "monster" will take all my happiness away. It hurts so bad to feel this. I hate it.

The thoughts are in my mind without purposely thinking them. I compare myself to "them". I'm using "them" as a term for the young, skinny, "bombshell" type. You know the ones. The ones that look down their nose at you like you don't exist and wonder how it is that someone like you have what you have. They belittle you. They make you feel unimportant and invisible. And men feed them. They feel eyes on them; they know that with them around you barely exist. I watch men and I watch what type catches their attention. These women aren't to be trusted. They flirt and flaunt themselves right in front of you as if you don't even matter.


How?

How do you change your way of thinking when you've thought this way for so long? And how do you feel good about yourself when you know that your not that young skinny thing? I feel bad enough about myself that I don't need it thrown in my face every time I turn around. I would do anything to be her. I don't need attention, but for his co-workers/friends/family to say "WOW, man your fiance is pretty". That's not asking much, is it? It hurts.

Every day....thrown in my face as I drive away. Pretty. I'll look up Websters definition for that....I'm curious.

Result

pretty = adj. pret·ti·er, pret·ti·est
Pleasing or attractive in a graceful or delicate way: Clever; adroit: Very bad; terrible: in a pretty predicament; a situation that has reached a pretty pass. Ostensibly (Represented or appearing as such) or superficially (shallow) attractive but lacking substance or conviction:
Informal. Considerable in size or extent: a pretty fortune.

Hmmm.....guess being a "pretty" girl really isn't all that.

Superficial/Shallow? I'm not surprised.

Someone that doesn't look you in the eye cannot be trusted.
That should be written in a book somewhere, don't you think?

Oh well...they say venting is healthy.