The past few weeks have been very difficult for me, more so than ever before. It's at times like this that I know that I have to depend on God to intervene and help me gain the strength to "wake up". There are times he brings others into our life to help us achieve this. A pastor, a special friend, or for me....the love of my life. Satan has really been working his manipulation with me the past few weeks and I've allowed him do so. I try so hard and try so hard to do it alone, to avoid being embarrassed or ashamed. But do you know what? He has never made me feel ashamed or embarrassed for my feelings. He always encourages me to share my feelings and my thoughts. As I sit here typing this, I glance over at him sleeping in the bed and I find my eyes fill with tears by the power of his love.

I've dealt with the past within myself for awhile now. I didn't talk or share with anyone. The pain and hurt I felt every day was bottled up and kept secret. I woke up wishing that I could just continue to sleep, you see it's only then that my mind would allow me to be content with myself. I didn't think about my past nor did I wonder how my future would be. Never did I imagine to be in the place that I am now.

The last 8 months have went by so quickly. Every day brings me another step in becoming content. The only word that sums up with the way I feel these days is....amazement. I honestly thought that I would die not feeling the power of that love again. After my mom passed is especially when my loneliness began. The unconditional and remarkable way she would love me... I honestly thought was something I would never experience again. I felt invisible. Even when people would look at me, it was like they were looking right through me. I was the one who needed to be strong...always. I couldn't dare let them see me cry, they would think I was weak.

It wasn't until he walked into my life that I realized....it was okay. It was okay to feel weak at times, it was okay to cry, and most importantly it was okay to allow others in. He opens me up to a world I thought I'd never regain. A world that I thought died with my mom. He loves me like I've never been loved before and the way he holds me and looks at me takes my breathe away...the last time I saw that love was in the eyes of my mom. Satan knows this and he knows the moment to plan his attack. For the past few weeks it's been my insecurity that he has used against me, like a silver sword. Stabbing at me, cutting me deep. And if he doesn't succeed with the first lash, he'll keep plunging the sword into me until he achieves his goal. The goal to destory happiness, to destroy life. But little does Satan know that God has sent him into my life and will not allow this to be destroyed. It was meant to be and it shall be.

For my love....thank you for everything you give me, for the way you make me feel safe and loved, uncondtionally. Thank you for your support. Thank you for holding me and telling me it's alright. Thank you for your touch and the way you look at me. Thank you for the way you hold me. Thank you for your patience and for your understanding. Thank you for listening with an open mind and an open heart. Thank you for not judging me. Thank you for making me happy. Most of all I want to thank you showing me something I thought I'd lost forever.....
the power of love.

When You Love Someone

When you love someone - you'll do anything
You'll do all the crazy things that you can't explain
You'll shoot the moon - put out the sun
When you love someone

You'll deny the truth - believe a lie
There'll be times that you'll believe you can really fly
But you're lonely nights - have just begun
When you love someone

When you love someone - you'll feel it deep inside
And nothin else can ever change your mind
When you want someone - when you need someone
When you love someone...

When you love someone - you'll sacrifice
You'd give it everything you got and you won't think twice
You'd risk it all - no matter what may come
When you love someone
You'll shoot the moon - put out the sun
When you love someone

______________________________________________________________________
Sometimes the words of a song say enough.
And the moment that you feel those words are being said back to you indicate the love you hold is a strong, true, long-lasting love. True Love.

He's my lover, my supporter, my confidant.....he is my best friend.

I love you too

How?

Insecure = (in·se·cure / adj.) Not sure or certain; doubtful: Inadequately guarded or protected; unsafe: Not firm or fixed; unsteady: Lacking stability; troubled: Lacking self-confidence; plagued by anxiety.


The definition of the word goes much deeper for me. It's the life I live, the life I've known. It's the way I feel from the time my feet hit the floor in the morning until the time my head hits the pillow at night. I hate this about myself. I look in the mirror and get sick. It's ugly. It hurts. It's uncontrollable.


I wonder how I will ever get past this when it's all I've known. The more I try, the worse it gets. No reason given to feel this way, he's wonderful and I see the love in his eyes. I'm scared. I'm scared that me feeling this way and this "monster" will take all my happiness away. It hurts so bad to feel this. I hate it.

The thoughts are in my mind without purposely thinking them. I compare myself to "them". I'm using "them" as a term for the young, skinny, "bombshell" type. You know the ones. The ones that look down their nose at you like you don't exist and wonder how it is that someone like you have what you have. They belittle you. They make you feel unimportant and invisible. And men feed them. They feel eyes on them; they know that with them around you barely exist. I watch men and I watch what type catches their attention. These women aren't to be trusted. They flirt and flaunt themselves right in front of you as if you don't even matter.


How?

How do you change your way of thinking when you've thought this way for so long? And how do you feel good about yourself when you know that your not that young skinny thing? I feel bad enough about myself that I don't need it thrown in my face every time I turn around. I would do anything to be her. I don't need attention, but for his co-workers/friends/family to say "WOW, man your fiance is pretty". That's not asking much, is it? It hurts.

Every day....thrown in my face as I drive away. Pretty. I'll look up Websters definition for that....I'm curious.

Result

pretty = adj. pret·ti·er, pret·ti·est
Pleasing or attractive in a graceful or delicate way: Clever; adroit: Very bad; terrible: in a pretty predicament; a situation that has reached a pretty pass. Ostensibly (Represented or appearing as such) or superficially (shallow) attractive but lacking substance or conviction:
Informal. Considerable in size or extent: a pretty fortune.

Hmmm.....guess being a "pretty" girl really isn't all that.

Superficial/Shallow? I'm not surprised.

Someone that doesn't look you in the eye cannot be trusted.
That should be written in a book somewhere, don't you think?

Oh well...they say venting is healthy.

The Monster I Carry

It's me who is my enemy
Me who beats me up
Me who makes the monsters
Me who strips my confidence.
~Paula Cole, "Me,"

The monster I carry is like the shadow that never fades.