When I Hurt

This time of the year is especially hard for me. Christmas since 2001 has never been the same without my Mother. It's sad too because I have my little girl to think about; but without fail the only thing I do is wait and pray for it to be over as quickly as possible. What use to be the most special time of the year has turned into the undeniably worst.

Last year it seemed to get a little easier. I have the love of my daughter and my husband, not to mention my Dad and my brother. But then once I started thinking that Christmas is a little easier, I then start to feel guilty. I don't want to enjoy Christmas. I don't want to be happy on the one day of the year my Mother loved the most.

December 24, 1969 my parents were married in my Grandparents home. December 25, 1972 my Mother gave birth to me. December 24, 1998 my little Faith Ellen was born. So, you see.... Christmas was huge for my family.... from my parents anniversary, to my birthday, to Faith Ellen's birthday.

My Mom absolutely loved this time of the year. You'd think for someone who was in the kitchen cooking from the time she woke up to almost the time she went to bed, it would get old. But not for my Mom. She sat at the kitchen table smiling, singing Christmas songs, lighting Christmas candles and making the most remarkable dinner all for her family. She loved everything about Christmas. She glowed when her little "Pretty Face" was born on Christmas Eve.

All this changed Christmas of 2002. No more smiles, no more Christmas songs at the table and no smell of Christmas candles.

So you see, even though Christmas should be the happiest time of the year; even when I think that it may get "easier"..... it's then I realize it will never be the same for me. Not without my Mom. This time of the year is when I miss her the most. If I could have one last Christmas wish ever...... it would be to be with my Mommy just one more day.