Calling a truce....

So, I guess all my dirty little secrets are out. Not really, my life isn't exciting enough to have many "dirty little secrets".... but I'm 110% happy with just the way my life is. I've made it pretty clear how much I hate any kind of drama in my life.

My husband advised me the other day that his co-workers found my blog and began to read. Not that I've said anything in this blog that I wouldn't voice anyways. A few of my opinions must have arose some issues (even though that was the furthest from my intention). A few days later I recieved an email with a lot of points being brought to attention. I was a bit confused about the email at first, but after reading it several times I began to appreciate the effort and the desire to call a "truce" (if it even qualifies as this). Needless to say there were things that were able to be brought out and discussed (if you can call email transactions a way of discussing). It boiled down to a comfortable point of understanding (at least on my part it did, as I hope it also did for him).

Maybe I shouldn't think everyone's out to tear me down, to take what I have. I conveyed that I wear my feelings on my sleeve, and for the most part I do. I'm the first one to admit my faults and know that I'm not a perfect person, my husband tells me I do that more than I should. But if it's one thing I will never do is not voice opinions on my beliefs and stand firm with those beliefs. All I ask is that one shows the same respect as I do for them.

I feel that was done. I'm comfortable with the way things went, but being who I am and going through what I've been through, I will never let my guard down. I think he can now understand and respect that about me.

So, to him........ I say Thank You.

Sunday Sunday

Not much to say really. Same feelings. I have sent emails to three doctors in the area requesting information on the surgeries. Just a waiting game now. I've been looking at "before and after photos" (here's the link, so you too can be amazed: http://www.obesityhelp.com/morbidobesity/members/before+and+after.php ) of folks that have gotten the surgery and I suppose I am a bit obsessed by it because every time Joel turns around that's what I'm looking at. He just doesn't seem to understand how bad I want this.....NO, how bad I NEED this. I mean it's amazing. I would love to be where they are. Feeling good about themselves and confident. Funny thing is I've actually thought.... hmmmm, anirexia or belimia is definitly cheaper and easier. If I could stand the puking part I would probably do it. I need this surgery. I don't know how much longer I can think like I do before I just fall into a hole.
I have never been this bad. I don't what's wrong with me.

Where One Door Closes, Another Opens

There are times I wonder "What is God thinking? Just how strong does he think I am? When will he stop piling stuff on me?" There have been more times these thoughts have come.... more so then they should have. I mostly feel that way when it's things that I just have absolute no control over. Things that hurt so deeply that it just seems God is out to get me. I know better than this, after it's all over. There are also some things I still wonder about, some things that I still question. I'll always question the fact of him taking my mother..... somehow that hurt and betrayl doesn't seem to disappear.


The motor in our vehicle blew last week. A vehicle we've only had for four months. Upsetting and frustrating since this was our "dependable" vehicle and was going to be paid off with income taxes. Just when we seem to be getting ahead.... you know that saying? One step ahead, three steps back. To make a long story short; the gentleman whom we purchased the car from fiananced us, which meant no interest. We put $1600 cash down on the vehicle and were paying $200 a month. So we've invested about $2600 in the car already and could have easily paid it off with tax return. He told us he could have another motor put in for an additional $700. First of all, the vehicle is a 1998 Grand Prix and NOT something I chose out of admiration. It was affordable and seemed to be capable of serving it's purpose, ya know, to work and back, hauling Faith's wheelchair, so on. The night it broke down on the interstate I had just picked Faith up. Came home and called 911 to report my vehicle broken down and gave them my contact info telling them the car would be off the interstate the next day by noon. We go over that morning to try and give the car another go. It was a no go. The motor literally locked, wouldn't even turn over. Lost pay by taking the day off to get things figured out, calls made and to remain extremly frustrated and depressed. Get home to find a message from 911 operator advising us that one of the city cops found my vehicle as a posed danger and had it towed. I was so angry! I've seen broken down vehicles sitting along the interstate (in worse spots than mine) for days! We had already made arrangements for the gentleman whom we bought the car from to pick it up.... for FREE! Now we were being told it would cost us $45 to get the vehicle. I was upset, even more now than before. It was Joel's birthday and everything was going wrong. The only good thing is that we both were able to be home together that day, but seeing the circumstances, didn't really have a "celebration". Jim (gent who sold us the car) ended up calling the wrecker service, paying not only the $45 but also paying them to tow the car over to him. We paid nothing. He is also putting almost everything we've paid on the car onto another vehicle from his lot. So we're looking at taking $1995 off another vehicle. We find out during conversation that he is a Christian. We're currently hoping that this time next week we'll be sporting around in a safe and sturdy Dodge Durango.

The Night Before

Today, January 12.......

5 years ago today was the last time I spoke to my Mother on the phone. I remember vividly the conversation. I was on the other line with my friend Melissa and she would just call me up for the silliest things (as I would also). She called to rejoice to me for something silly (no details) and I just laughed at her and told her I had Melissa on the other line and that I would call her back. I didn't. Typically I would make myself feel horrible about this, but my Mom knew I loved her more than anything. There wouldn't be a day that we didn't talk AT LEAST 3 times, so even though I wish I would have picked up the phone that night to call her back..... I can say that I know in my heart she knew how much I loved her and that she was my best friend.

The next morning (Saturday) I awoke to the phone ringing. I rolled over to pick the phone up and I barely got out hello before I heard my Dad yelling "Lori!! Lori!! Your Mom died!!" He was crying histerically and I barely understood what he said. I was still half asleep and said "What?" He said it again. I wanted to wake up. I had hoped this was one of those dreams that terrified you.... it wasn't. I was in pure shock. I don't remember much after that. The next thing I remember is pulling in my parent's driveway and seeing the ambulance in the driveway with the back doors open. They had already loaded up my Mom. I stepped up into the back of the ambulance and looked at her. She looked like she was sleeping. I watched the blanket they put over her to see if it was moving. I wanted to believe that it was, I wanted to see it moving... this would mean she was still breathing. I leaned down to her. Her face was still warm. I yelled for the paramedic and said "Her face is still warm... you can bring her back. Hurry, please hurry". The paramedic just looked at me and shook their head (I didn't even pay attention if the paramedic was a man or a woman... it just didn't matter) and said "I'm sorry, we've tried. It's just been too long." It's then that I realized it wasn't a dream. I leaned down and kissed her cheek and put my hand on hers and whispered how very much I loved her.... over and over again until the paramedic helped me to stand and led me down out of the back of the ambulance. That was the last time I held my Mom.

I went into the house where my Dad kneeled beside the bed crying. The house felt so empty. I realized then that I had to be strong. I had to be strong for him and my brother (who was only 15), it's what my Mom would have wanted. I desperately fought back tears and tried to console..... I hardly cried and I remember thinking how hard I must have become not to be emotionally distraught for loosing my Mom, my best friend, the only person I ever felt complete trust and unconditional love. She was gone. The next two weeks were a blur. Funeral arrangements were entirely up to me, there was just no way my Dad could have made any decisions at all. When we went up to talk to the funeral director, he just sat there. I made all the decisions, all the arrangements.

The funeral was packed. So many people. People I didn't know, people I've known my entire life. Family that I didn't care to know, that hurt my Mom to tears. I resented seeing them there crying and only hoped that they felt guilt for the way they treated her. I still wish that on them. My Mom would tell me that's not how God wants me to be, but I can't help it. When I see those people all I remember is the times that I found my Mom crying because of the way they treated her.

I was proud of myself during the funeral. I was stronger than I thought I would be. I had two moments of weakness during the funeral. One was when a lady sang my Mom's song. She always told me, "Lori when I die I want you to get Sissy to sing "Ain't No Grave Gonna Hold Me Down". Surprisingly I was able to track Sissy down (someone we had went to church with about 20 years ago) and asked her to sing that song. That made me cry hard. I could see my Mom smiling as she stood up there and sang that song. The other time was towards the end of the funeral when everyone goes to the casket to say their goodbye. They start with the last pew and I sat there in the front pew watching all of these people saying goodbye to my Mom. Before they would go to the casket we had lots of family and close family friends come over to tell us how sorry they were. That was hard. But I sat there in a bit of a daze and stared at everyone leaning over, holding my Mom's hand and all I could think was this will be the last moment I will see my Mom.

I was numb for the next month. I played the role but don't remember much. I went to my see my Dad every night and help out with the house and the bills. The poor man didn't even know how to sit down and pay bills, so I taught him. I taught him how to balance a checkbook and took care of calling all the bill collectors and paying all the funeral costs. I don't know why, but I find the next 2 months after my Mom passing hard to remember. I don't remember how I felt or even if I cried after the day of the funeral, I didn't really have time. I had to be strong, my Mom would have wanted that and as much as she did for me in my life this was something I had to do. I often wondered if what I had gone through with Faith had made my heart turn to stone. I should have really wigged out..... I still don't understand it once I think about it.

I miss my Mom every day. There's not a day that something doesn't remind me of her. I miss her the most when I feel alone. I didn't go to her grave until a year after her death. My life had me invisible. I had nobody to talk to, I mean emotionally talk with and ask advice from. She was gone.... so I did feel invisible. I would go to her grave at the times that I felt at a breaking point. The year before Joel came I was there almost on a weekly basis. My life was a complete lie and I had nobody to talk to about it. I was living with a man that I didn't love because I felt it was the right thing to do for my daughter, I was still being strong for my Dad because I could not let him see me cry. I missed her and I talking and her accepting everything about me.... even at my ugliest, she didn't care. She loved me unconditionally.

One day I will rejoice for my Mom's life..... for now, I still miss her too much to do that.

I love you Mom and I think about you every day.

The Mirror Is Ugly

Since I was 17 yrs old I've had a very low self-esteem and it's seemed to have gotten worse from there. I've always been overweight. My Mom was overweight, her Mom was overweight and so on. Now don't take it wrong, I'm not screaming being fat is genetic.... I do however believe that it's "learned". I don't blame my Mom for any of it though. I watched her struggle her entire life with her weight, I also lost her because of it. She tried diet after diet and finally her doctor suggested she try "Fen-Phen" when the FDC claimed it was "safe". Well, needless to say it wasn't and my mom died as a result of taking it. Before that I also tried drugs to loose weight. I did very well on a drug that I took, sad thing is I can't even tell you the name. Everyone in this area drove to Uniontown, PA to see this "doctor" who prescribed this medicine to help loose weight. Oh yeah, and it did just that. I lost 60 lbs in one month. I was always moving and felt even a little nervous at times. Had a hard time sleeping and could not sit still to save my life. Even though the bottle didn't indicate exactly what you were being prescribed, it worked. And any overweight person wants just that. So he banked $50-$75 per fat person for this drug and eventually came under investigation and I do believe was shut down. The word was that this "doctor" was issuing "speed". After taking them for a few months and not being able to afford it and getting pregnant, I stopped..... SURPRISE... gained what I lost back plus some. Now, after loosing my Mom... I will never take another drug for weight loss. I don't ever want to leave Faith before it's God's time to see it so. I was 30 yrs old when I lost my Mom, my best friend, and that was too soon. I watched my brother at 15 yrs old go through the toughest time in his life without a Mom. So, no. I refuse to turn to drugs.

I joined a gym, but with the way my life was when I worked at the power company there was just no time. I left my house at 6:45am on the days Faith had school and didn't get home again till 9pm. When you gonna fit gym time in on a schedule like that? Now that I'm at a new job and working days aren't as long.... it still seems that time plays a factor. I suppose I should really work on including that in my weekly schedule at least 3 times a week.... I mean, I fit in eating so perhaps instead of that... I should do the gym.

I kicked around the idea of Gastric Bypass surgery. My ex husband hated that idea and my Mom wasn't fond of it either. I told them both that I would see how far it went (by this I mean that getting it approved by insurance is virtually impossible) and if God didn't see it was meant to be then it wouldn't happen. I only got as far as the consultation so I gave up. I didn't give up wanting it, but there's no way I can afford a $50,000 surgery with no help from insurance.

So now it's coming back around worse than ever. I look in the mirror and curl my nose in horror at what's looking back at me. I somehow wish it was possible to fix my hair and do makeup without a mirror, but I'm not quite that talented. Now that I'm at a new job and have new insurance I kicked around the idea of the surgery again. Of course I would love to be down 100+ pounds in less than a year but I would be lying if I didn't say that 15% of me is scared of the thought of either not coming out of surgery or not making recovery as well as some. But I am at the point of desperation.

Last Friday my husband's boss pointed out that my weight was a health risk in a conversation amoungst co-workers. First... I don't work there so my weight shouldn't have been office topic. Secondly... what the hell gives him the right to point something like that out? I mean, doesn't he think that I alredy know that I'm fat? Let alone someone bluntly stating it to my husband during office chat? I was so hurt by this. Not because it was from him, but because I started wondering if people really just see me as "the fat wife"? Joel, of course, came to my defense but that also hurt me. I mean, come on.... how do you justify someone being fat? There is no justification for it.

So again, I am on a desperate search for the most rapid healthy way to loose weight. I found a diet that I'm going to try, not sure why I'm even wasting my time... but like I said, I just can't sit here on my fat ass and continue being fat.... not after realizing that it may be the only thing people see about me. This is no pity party. I don't need a "you're a good person boost" from anyone, I already know I'm a good person but I'm not the wife that everyone smiles at because she looks nice on her husbands arm. I'm the wife everyone smiles at because perhaps they want to humor me or even perhaps out of pity. Who knows.

I'm looking into Lap-Band surgery ( http://www.lapband.com/lapband/aboutlapband.do ) .... seriously looking into it. And if I can get approval from the insurance, it's as good as done. I'm tired of feeling this way, of looking this way. I'm just tired. It takes too much energy to feel this way. If I can rid myself of the one thing that I'm the most ashamed of.... perhaps it's then that I'll be able to reward myself with the self-esteem I lost so long ago.

Looks Are Decietful..BUT..

....the world still bases everything on it. I found this article on MSN:
________________________________________________

Do Pretty People Earn More?

You know the woman -- the one who could wear a paper bag to a board meeting and still manage to look both beautiful and perfectly professional. As if it weren't annoying enough that she maintains her obnoxiously flat abs by lifting doughnuts to her mouth, it turns out your gorgeous co-worker may also be out-earning her less genetically-blessed colleagues.

Good looks can have a real impact on workers' bank accounts, according to research by Daniel Hamermesh and Jeff Biddle published in the Journal of Labor Economics. Attractive people earn about 5 percent more in hourly pay than their average-looking colleagues, who in turn earn 9 percent more per hour than the plainest-looking workers.This means if an average-looking person earned $40,000, their prettiest co-workers would make $42,000 while their least attractive colleagues brought home just $36,400.Plain-looking workers may also receive fewer promotions than those awarded to their more striking contemporaries.

Steven D. Spitz, D.M.D. and owner of cosmetic dentistry firm Smile Boston, said he once had a client who wanted his assistant to get veneers, and was even willing to pay for the dental work -- as long as the assistant asked for it."He said this was a woman who was really good at her job and he was moving up (within the organization), but he couldn't take her with him because her teeth were so bad," Spitz said. The assistant never came in for the dental work, and Spitz said he didn't know what became of her career.

Are pretty people just more talented?
It remains uncertain whether the handsomest people translate their good looks into higher productivity, but students do consistently give better-looking professors higher evaluations than they give their less comely teachers, according to research by Hamermesh and Amy Parker at the University of Texas in Austin. Still, many experts warn against assigning too much value to beauty in the workplace, arguing that even if your good looks do get you in the door, they may not get you much farther. "A person can be breathtaking in person and destroy that within the first five minutes by acting in a way that seems superior or behaving in a way that is lewd or provocative," said Francie Dalton, President of Dalton Alliances Inc., a consulting practice providing executive coaching to C-level clients. "Although I very firmly believe that looks are the first thing one notices, I am not convinced that looks trump things like competencies, interpersonal skills and other factors," she said.Richard St. John, author of "Stupid, Ugly, Unlucky, and RICH," says he's so unconvinced of the connection between good looks and competence, he often chooses to hire the "visual underdog.""I'm not saying looks won't help you be successful at getting a date," St. John said. "I'm saying looks won't help you be successful in other areas of life."

Unfair, but legal
Unlike religion, national origin or disability, discrimination based on looks is legal in most jurisdictions, said James McDonald, Jr., managing partner of the Irvine office of employment law firm Fisher & Phillips LLP.Washington, D.C. and Santa Cruz, Calif. are two of the only municipalities with laws explicitly protecting workers against discrimination based on physical characteristics or personal appearance, he said. Still, that hasn't stopped workers from launching unsuccessful lawsuits.
Fortunately, there's -- literally -- more to attractiveness than meets the eye. Researchers Markus Mobius and Tanya Rosenblat found that confidence makes up 20 percent of perceived attractiveness. To ensure the image you're portraying is a confident one, be sure your posture doesn't betray your nervousness. Keep your back straight, head high, and make eye contact with your associates.
____________________________________________________

Now, given that article........ wonder why "Plain Jane" feels that she compete with "Barbie" that works down the hall? This is why.

Superficial

su·per·fi·cial - adj.
Of, affecting, or being on or near the surface: a superficial wound.
Concerned with or comprehending only what is apparent or obvious; shallow.
Apparent rather than actual or substantial: a superficial resemblance.
Trivial; insignificant: made only a few superficial changes in the manuscript.
__________________________________________________________________

People say hurtful things. People analyze someone when they have no clue what's behind the reason. I mean there are obvious reasons to have an opionion about someone or something they do; she's a stripper, my philosophy is that she doesn't respect herself. If I could ever "carry it out", I would never even consider this. Standing at McDonalds drive-thru window is more of a career than taking off your clothes for people you don't know. I mean there's no talent in being a stripper. You learned to undress yourself when you were four years old, at least with working at the Mickey D's drive-thru you've actually had training for the position. And even though I try not to judge a person, you just gotta wonder what kind of morals one has to be able to get up in front of a bunch of strangers and show themselves in that manner. Sorry, just my opinion.

Point being: I would never go up to, let's say....my husband's boss, whom happens to be friends with lots of strippers.... and say that I think they are all bad people just because they take their clothes off night after night for people they don't know. That's my opinion, I'll keep it to myself and I have a right to have that opinion..... but I don't have the right to share it. At least I don't feel it should be shared. Having a right to share it is one thing, but saying hurtful things is another.

I know this post probably isn't gonna make sense to a lot of folks, but it makes sense to me and this is my blog where I come to vent..... so I am.

In closing: Remember what you say could be very hurtful; just remember that you're more than likely the one who is alone and have nobody to share a meaningful fulfilling relationship with. Alone. It's you that goes to bed at night and only cuddles with a pillow..... perhaps because you're too superficial to see past the outside glam and take the time to get to know someone, who they are. Of course... more than likely it's you yourself who really isn't worth the time to get to know. Remember that next time you judge.......

My Resolution

I've pondered on if it's even worth it... to make a resolution. Seems like resolutions are just goals made which most of the time are out of the ordinary. Loose weight, exercise more, eat healthier (all of which I need to do every day, not just as a New Years resolution), achieve a promotion at work, stop smoking... yada yada yada. A survey taken shows that 80% who make New Year resolutions, only 20% actually achieve them. I don't want to be a statistic, so instead of making a "New Years Resolution"...... I'm going to enhance what I already have in my life.

The year 2007 will have me taking better care of myself (no specific goals to achieve and stress over), I will continue to do my job at work... not set out to do better as I feel that the job I do now is satisfactory and my assigned duties are accomplished, nor will I promise myself to stop smoking.... when I'm ready it will happen. Instead I will wake up every day and enjoy the life God has granted me. I will savor every happy moment and know that I wake up in a nice warm bed and I'm able to hug my loved ones as we head off to work or to school. There are many families right here in America that cannot do this. We make New Years resolutions without thinking of the familes that wake up in homeless shelters, families that don't know where their next meal will come from, families that can't kiss their loved ones as they head off to work or to school.

One thing 2006 has taught me is that things happen just the way they are supposed to. 2006 for me, has been the most amazing year in my life. I've been able to change jobs to make my life more enjoyable, I've married a wonderful man who supports and loves me just for who I am, we've made a home together where there is love and happiness. I'm not going to try to live up to a resolution that seems too far gone..... dreams and goals have been achieved without me even trying.

Today.... January 1, 2007
I will make it my "resolution" to enjoy my life just as it is.

A Lack of Respect

First I must convey my apologies to all readers of this blog. I'm on a rampage, per say... so just remember that as you continue to read.

A few weeks ago I was listening to the radio on my way to work and a lady had called in voicing her opinion to the DJ's about the choice of music they play. The DJ had refused to play a song (that of which fails to come to memory), so the woman called in giving her opinion on his decision. I had never quite thought about it from her aspect before, but as she spoke her piece I realized how right she was. She stated how she was appalled that the DJ had refused to play the requested song but yet played the song "Buttons" by the Pussycat Dolls repeatedly. She stated a few lyrics in the song:

I'm telling you loosen up my buttons baby
But you keep fronting
Saying what you going to do to me
But I ain't seen nothing

You been saying all the right things all night long
But I can't seem to get you over here to help take this off
Baby, can't you see?
How these clothes are fitting on me

You say you're a big boy
But I can't agree
'Cause the love you said you had
Ain't been put on me

Come on baby, loosen up my buttons babe
Loosen up my buttons babe
Baby, won't you loosen up my buttons babe?
Loosen up my buttons babe

Now these "girls" may look good and move great, but you just gotta wonder about the lack of respect they have for themselves. The woman was right. The DJ refuses to play certain music, like Eminem whom sings about what he's lived, but yet has no problem playing a song where women degrade themselves. What has our female society come to? It's necessary to "sell" your body in order to be attractive? What are groups like this teaching our young daughters? You have to wear skimpy clothes and have a belly ring to be attractive? You have to have your panties showing above your jeans to be sexy? You have to weigh 100 lbs soak and wet to catch a man's attention? It's not bad enough the pressure that our young ladies feel these days, with drugs and sex... let alone the "Pussycat Dolls" singing about how "loosening up your buttons" is the only way to land the male species. Hello? Everything about this is wrong.

It sickens me to hear songs like this and to read the lyrics. Shallow and mindless women who sing and dance around stage like a bunch of tramps let loose from a dog pound.... all to sell a few records. Meanwhile little Amy is growing up hearing these "girls" and thinking that she has to dress the way they do to be attractive, forget a man falling in love with them for what's on the inside. She'll end up pregnant at 15 yrs old and on welfare for support.... but do you hear the "Pussycat Dolls" sing about that? No. Why? Well, of course that wouldn't sell their records. And we all know it's about the money, not the morality. When you go to the mall and see an 11 yr old dressed in a skirt so short that if she were to bend over.... well, you get the idea, a belly button ring and more makeup than what I've ever worn.... what are these parents thinking? And then they wonder why grown men glance at their 11 yr old as they waltz down the middle of the mall. Because they don't look 11. Why would you want your child to grow up any faster than what they will grow up? It enrages me to see what our young girls look to as role models. These mindless, materialistic, promiscuous whores who shake their ass on stage...... their songs reek of sex and how that's what the youth should focus on. The name says it all - "Pussycat Dolls".

A lack of respect..... not only to themselves, but to all our young ladies who look up to them.

Day After Christmas

Back to work today. I hated it. I mean, come on... you need at least one day to recover from Christmas, ya know? Joel had today off (little turd), well kind of. I mean he spent all day working on this project for his company so even though he was home he wasn't technically off. So I take the turd comment back, sorry baby.

It's going on midnight.... day after Christmas and I sit here at my desk again glancing into the kitchen at the counter still with dirty dishes. Not as many, mind you, but still dirty dishes from Christmas dinner. I believe that I'll be able to fit all of the remaining into the dishwasher tomorrow. So ya know, three day old crusty Christmas dishes..... not too bad, eh? Like I said, I'm just glad it's over and only happens once a year.

Stopped down at the corner market tonight after picking Faith up and saw a sign "Free Puppies". Now as many of you know, my past experience with "free" pets didn't go well. I wanted "a" kitten and ended up with three (well, they were brothers.... who am I to seperate family?). Needless to say we had them about 2 months and had to rid of them. I didn't realize cat crap could stink so badly NOR did I realize that they would tear up my $50 shears (that's 2 shers per window with a total of $300... yeah ridding of kittens don't sound so cruel now, does it?). So after becoming kitty free, Joel and I discussed the possibility of considering a puppy. I told him later on after we're settled and all. All intensions were to get an outside dog, but to wait till we were able to afford a place with a fence or enough room for the dog to run. But tonight when I saw those words "Free Puppies", I saw a sign (besides the obvious one with "Free Puppies" written on it). So when I got home Joel called and these pups are 1/2 Yellow Lab and 1/2 Dalmation. Now I don't know about you, but that just don't sound like it'd be a pretty animal. The lady said she had the sign hanging for 4 days, started with 8 puppies and now down to 3 (2 male, 1 female). Needless to say, we are going to go look at them tomorrow evening around 6:30. I'll update you on whether our house becomes canine friendly.

Speaking of tomorrow..... gonna be a long day at work. One of those muts may get lucky as I will probably be very vulnerable. Please pray that I can be strong. I've never thought of "Labmation" as a canine breed of interest. We shall see.

As Christmas nears it's end....

The clock has almost struck midnight and Christmas will be done. Even though this has been one of the only "good" Christmas' I've celebrated since my Mom passed, I gotta admit..... I'm so glad it's over! I sit here at my desk and glance in the kitchen at the sink full of dishes still left over from dinner. Mind you, this is the 2nd batch of dirty dishes.... ones that wouldn't fit in the dishwasher. I'm too doggone tired to load up that thing again and it's against the law for you to hand-wash dishes if you have a dishwasher (Law of Lori). So yes, Christmas was exceptionally better than last and definitly better than the last three..... but I do sigh a bit of relief that it's done.

My only goal for New Years Eve/Day..... get that dang tree down. My wonderful husband has been designated to unstring the lights, of course this would be for the safety of everyone as my patience with lights is not one of my best attributes.

Wishing the best for you and your family this Christmas.

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Words To Live By

The past cannot be changed, but the future is still in your power.
- Hugh White -

Don't let today's disappointments cast a shadow on tomorrow's dreams.
- Author Unknown -

The only place where dreams are impossibilities is in your own mind.
- Emalie -

Love comforteth like sunshine after rain.
- William Shakespeare -

One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: that word is love.
- Sophocles -

You don't marry someone you can live with,
you marry the person who you cannot live without.
- Author Unknown -

I love you -
those three words have my life in them.
~ by Alexandrea to Nicholas III ~

I love thee, I love but thee
With a love that shall not die
Till the sun grows cold
And the stars grow old.
~ by Willam Shakespeare ~

One word frees us of all the weight and pain in life,
That word is Love
~ by Socrates ~

Love asks me no questions,
And gives me endless support...
~ by William Shakespeare ~

Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.
~ by Robert A. Heinlein, Stranger in a Strange Land ~

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength,
While loving someone deeply gives you courage.
~ by Lao Tzu ~

Love knows no reasons, love knows no lies.
Love defies all reasons, love has no eyes.
But love is not blind, love sees but doesn't mind.
~ by Author unknown ~

The courses of true love never did run smooth.
~ by William Shakespeare ~

Freedom of Life

(for privacy, names have been altered)

Every day when I shut the office door and throw my purse over my shoulder I smile as the door opens up to the outside. I don't usually look back.... until the other day.

I work in an assisted living facility. I've only been there going on 4 months, before that I worked for 7 years at an electric company. So this has already been a learning experience. When I started working there it was hard for me not to glance at each and every resident, some were very alert and alive... others did good just to open their eyes.

I first met Johnny, who is probably in his mid-60's and has been living there for 2 yrs. He "approved" me upon my interview. Every day Johnny will come up in his wheelchair and sit beside the receptionist. He is the official greeter. More like the official "know-it-all". He knows more about what goes on in the facility then I do. He always says "Wow" as I head out or in, of course it's so hard to resist a smile with his Elvis hairdo. Next, I met Doug. Doug is 42. That's not even 10 yrs older than I. Doug is in a wheelchair as a result of CP. He is as smart as a tack and has such a wonderful personality. He and I have become fast buddies. He holds a lot of anger, and who could blame him? He is the 2nd youngest resident in the building. What's even more sad is that his mind works fine, it's just his body that he can't make function properly. He is probably the one that tears at my heart the most. We also have Michael who is probably in his late 40's, early 50's. He also suffers from CP. Now it's funny because I only see Michael on Fridays. I tease him about only coming around to visit on Fridays, but he tells me it's his way to get pumped up for the weekend, his way to put on his "party hat", per say. He's another one that cracks me up. He told me a joke last Friday. "Why doesn't Frosty have any kids?" I humor him, "Why Michael?".... Micheal replies, loudly might I say, "Because he's got snowballs!". Ornary is about the only word I can think of for that one. We also have Mary, who is the sweetest little thing you can imagine. Mary suffers from Alzheimers. She is one of the few that is able to walk around the facility, most of them are confined to wheelchairs or are unable to leave their bed. She walks around with this babydoll in hand. You never see her without this baby. One day I see Mary in the hall and the baby has food all over her face. I stop and say "Goodness, it looks like someone ate well today!" Mary goes on and on about how "Liz" eats very well and that she never has to worry about that. I suddenly notice something from Liz's nose. Hmmm.... I wonder. Oh yeah, I suppose Mary also realized that sometimes babies have boogers sticking out of their noses. I had to laugh, I mean you gotta give Mary credit for the imagination of putting a booger on a babydoll's nose! I never thought of a babydoll booger nose when I played with dolls. I told Joel about Mary. Instead of the smile I expected when I told the story, he just kind of shook his head and said that he thought it was very sad for someone to get to that point. I told him that I thought it was sad for her family, but as for Mary... she's happy, she's a child again. And for children their world revolves around what makes them happy. She is a sweetie, for sure... boogers and all!

Some residents bring a bit of sadness. Take Ethal, for example. Ethal is a live wire, I'll give her that. But Ethal is one of the residents that tug at my heartstrings the most. Ethal also suffers from Alzheimers. Ethal will find her way up to the front door and try to get out of the facility. Some residents pose a danger to themselves if they exit the building. Ethal wears an ankle alarm so every time she gets near one of the doors, the alarm sounds and the doors automatically lock. Ethal is very determined. Some days she will attempt to exit the front door 10 times. I hear the alarm sound then I hear Ethal yelling and cursing. Now I do have to give Ethal credit for attempting the front door. I mean you'd think she would attempt a door where the receptionist isn't sitting right there, but no. Let me explain her method. I belive Ethal attempts the front entrance because she is aware that people enter and exit frequently here, maybe just maybe that will be her oppurtunity to "slip out" without anyone noticing. Ethal has had me in tears before. She yells how she wants to go home and we need to let her go. Her little wrinkled hands hold on the tightly to the wall rails as the nurses try to pull her away to take her back to her room. I try to tell Ethal that she doesn't want to go out because it's too cold or the wind is blowing to much. Sometimes that seems to help her calm down, but ya see... Ethal just wants to go home. The other day she was on a spree with the exit thing. I grabbed her wheelchair and even though Ethal is just a little thing she is mighty strong and determined. She turned and looked me straight in the eye and said "Damn it, let me go!", grabbed my hand off the back of her wheelchair and bite me. Of course it didn't hurt, but I was a bit shocked to see her reaction towards me like that. I just said "Now Ethal that wasn't very nice. I just don't want you to get lost or hurt." She just looked at me with her sad eyes. She is probably the second one that tears at my heart. Bill is another resident that makes me smile. He sings in the hall... loudly, may I add. Last week I heard him bellowing out "She'll be coming around the mountain when she comes....", I just smile as I sit at my desk and hear him singing. He has days where he'll wait by the front door and ask when his bus will come. Also suffering from Alzheimers, he believes that he'll be late for work. He tells how he won a Purple Heart when he was at war. I overheard him telling that story to the Human Resource Director and she took the time to stand there and listen and then thanked him for his time. He just smiled as he took her hand in his. Another day a tear rolled up in my eye.

So the other day I'm heading home, it was the weekend I had worked over to help the Administrator figure out the budgeted hours for 2007 and it's one day that I had the oppurtunity to see the Christmas lights they had put up at dusk. So I looked back at the front of the nursing home. The offices were dark, the front lobby was dark. I just stopped and the thoughts came to my mind of those residents. This is their life. They can't breath that deep sigh when the door closes upon them exiting. As I looked back at the facility I realized my freedom of life. I felt sad to be going home this time. The drive home was a bit longer than usual as I kept thinking how these residents spend their evenings, their weekends, their holidays.... how they will be spending Christmas.

I learned a lesson this Friday as I walked away from my workplace. I'm not going to stress over the gifts I'm able to buy, over whether the dinner turns out perfectly, whether the lights are strung to perfection or rather the ribbon on the gift matches the paper...... I'm going to enjoy the time I spend with my loved ones and treasure each and every moment I'm able to wake up Christmas morning in my bed beside my husband and help my little girl open her presents. I'm going to enjoy cooking dinner for my family, as I know they appreciate my effort. I'm going to smile as they open the gift, not because the ribbon matches the paper but because they know that gift was bought with love. The Christmas tree is lite with lights and glow only because of the love in my household, not because the lights are strung perfectly.

Savor the time you have with your loved ones this year, as one day you may find yourself alone and in a dark place where you can't awake to the Christmas you've enjoyed in the past... and it will be only then that you wish you would have taken the time to realize what Christmas is all about.

No Time

I knelt to pray but not for long,
I had too much to do.
I had to hurry and get to work
For bills would soon be due.
So I knelt and said a hurried prayer,
And jumped up off my knees.
My Christian duty was now done
My soul could rest at ease.....
All day long I had no time
To spread a word of cheer
No time to speak of Christ to friends,
They'd laugh at me I'd fear.
No time, no time, too much to do,
That was my constant cry,
No time to give to souls in need
But at last the time, the time to die.
I went before the Lord,
I came, I stood with downcast eyes.
For in his hands God held a book;
It was the book of life.
God looked into his book and said
"Your name I cannot find
I once was going to write it down...
But never found the time"
_______________________________________________________
A friend sent this to me today and I'm ashamed to say that it hit home probably more so than I wanted to realize. A lot of times I find myself saying these same things. "No Time" or "What would they think?". I mean I'm outspoken about my belief in Jesus, but I find that I lack to witness for him. A man that died for me. Seems that's the least I can do, doesn't it?
I post this only to hope that this makes you think as it did me today.

A Different Christmas Poem

The embers glowed softly, and in their dim light, I gazed round the room and I cherished the sight. My wife was asleep, her head on my chest,
My daughter beside me, angelic in rest.
Outside the snow fell, a blanket of white,
Transforming the yard to a winter delight.
The sparkling lights in the tree I believe,
Completed the magic that was Christmas Eve.

My eyelids were heavy, my breathing was deep,
Secure and surrounded by love I would sleep.
In perfect contentment, or so it would seem,
So I slumbered, perhaps I started to dream.
The sound wasn't loud, and it wasn't too near,
But I opened my eyes when it tickled my ear.
Perhaps just a cough, I didn't quite know,
Then the sure sound of footsteps outside in the snow.

My soul gave a tremble, I struggled to hear,
And I crept to the door just to see who was near.
Standing out in the cold and the dark of the night,
A lone figure stood, his face weary and tight.
A soldier, I puzzled, some twenty years old,
Perhaps a Marine, huddled here in the cold.
Alone in the dark, he looked up and smiled,
Standing watch over me, and my wife and my child.

"What are you doing?" I asked without fear,
"Come in this moment, it's freezing out there!
Put down your pack, brush the snow from your sleeve,
You should be at home on a cold Christmas Eve!"
For barely a moment I saw his eyes shift,
Away from the cold and the snow blown in drifts.
To the window that danced with a warm fire's light
Then he sighed and he said "Its really all right,
I'm out here by choice. I'm here every night."
"It's my duty to stand at the front of the line,
That separates you from the darkest of times.

No one had to ask or beg or implore me,
I'm proud to stand here like my fathers before me.
My Gramps died at 'Pearl on a day in December,
"Then he sighed, "That's a Christmas 'Gram always remembers.
"My dad stood his watch in the jungles of 'Nam',
And now it is my turn and so, here I am.

I've not seen my own son in more than a while,
But my wife sends me pictures, he's sure got her smile.
Then he bent and he carefully pulled from his bag,
The red, white, and blue... an American flag.

"I can live through the cold and the being alone,
Away from my family, my house and my home.
I can stand at my post through the rain and the sleet,
I can sleep in a foxhole with little to eat.
I can carry the weight of killing another,
Or lay down my life with my sister and brother.
Who stand at the front against any and all,
To ensure for all time that this flag will not fall."

"So go back inside," he said, "harbor no fright,
Your family is waiting and I'll be all right."
"But isn't there something I can do, at the least,
"Give you money," I asked, "or prepare you a feast?
It seems all too little for all that you've done,
For being away from your wife and your son."

Then his eye welled a tear that held no regret,
"Just tell us you love us, and never forget.
To fight for our rights back at home while we're gone,
To stand your own watch, no matter how long.
For when we come home, either standing or dead,
To know you remember we fought and we bled.
Is payment enough, and with that we will trust,
That we mattered to you as you mattered to us."

Betrayal of a friend....

I've had, what I would consider to be, five best friends in my lifetime....and today only two of them remain.

The first was one that I grew up with and so this friendship was kind of "passed along", per say. My mom and her mom were also the best of friends, so alas.... so did we turn out to be. Until high school. She got caught up in a group of people that I didn't feel comfortable around and then after my car accident and I couldn't "party" it up anymore... I became her pity friend. Not for me. I would say that started the end of our friendship. She and I still talked, still do. But nothing like before. There have been many reasons why I feel that friendship took a different route, too many to list really.

The second girl I worked with about 10 years ago (Gosh, I'm getting old). This was a different type of friendship. I was going through a real tough time in my life and held a lot of anger. I don't even really know why, but I did. She fed that too. Even though there were things I would get angry about, silly things, she would aide me and just get me more worked up. That friendship ended abruptly when she chose to believe a lie that someone had told her. Don't say you're my best friend and then choose to believe something you hear instead of confronting me.

The third was also a girl I worked with and even though we weren't real close at that time, she and I became better acquainted years later. Just recently she decided to end our friendship. Her reasons? She feels that since Joel has come she's been "on the backburner". Sorry. That's the way it should be. But I know why she feels this way. When I was with my ex-husband she and I would talk hours and hours on the phone about anything and everything..... just to avoid conversation or confrontation with him. She was about the only person who listened to me and wanted to hear what I had to say, I mean I had pretty much shut out everyone else after my mom died. Even though she and I were very close, there were some issues and beliefs that we didn't see eye to eye on. I won't go into detail, but I will say she respected me and never became obsessed with trying to make me see things her way. Let me just tell you the situation that happened with Melissa. So, of course I want her there at the wedding.... even though she wasn't as supportive as I felt she should have been when I told her Joel was moving to WV, I suppose as my friend she was worried. But being my friend, I felt that she shouldn't have questioned my judgement and respected me enough to back me up... even if it wouldn't have worked. I would have for her..... actually I did for her at one time. So our work schedules and lives took a different turn and we weren't able to talk as much as we used to. I didn't feel that changed our friendship, I mean surely she knew I was here for her if she needed to talk. So about a week before the wedding she and I spoke on the phone for a bit, the first real time either of us had that oppurtunity to catch up on things. Of course, I asked if she was going to be able to come to the wedding. She stressed that she wanted to but wasn't sure. Her fiance works out of town and with 3 kids, it's kind of hard to get coverage. I suppose this job has him out of town most of the time and they hardly get to spend any time at all together as a family. I thought about how I would feel if Joel worked out of town and I had to give up a day with him for a friends wedding... so a few days later I spoke with her again to see if she had a chance to see if she were going to be able to come. She still didn't know. At that point, I took the oppurtunity to stress to her that even though I would love for her to be there that I totally understood if she couldn't and that it was ok. The day before she and I spoke and she was going to come. I was happy, but then felt badly that she was going to be giving up a day to be with her kids and fiance just for the wedding. I mean, it's not like it was a huge wedding or anything. I asked her to phone me around 11:30 as the wedding began at 1. Of course with me getting ready and all, I knew that I wouldn't remember. It was 12:30 and I'm running late. My cell phone rings. It's Melissa. She's not even near the wedding destination and demands to know why I haven't called. I reminded her that she was supposed to call me and we would make arrangements to meet up. She became upset and kind of blew up at me telling me that I should want her there if she were my best friend and since Joel and I got together things have changed and she knew that this was coming. On my wedding day she does this??? I was upset, but there was no way that I was going to allow her to hurt me.... not today. She hung up on me. Later on our way home I got a message from her apologizing for the way she had behaved but pretty much in suttle words ending our friendship. I decided to sit down and write her a letter and also enclosing photos of the wedding and Faith. That was over a week ago. I even called her cell on Thanksgiving to wish her a Happy Thanksgiving. Still nothing. So, my third "best friendship" comes to an end..... why? Because I'm happy? I just don't get it.

I told Joel yesterday that I was done. It's hard enough for me to trust people, but then to trust them and be betrayed. The less people you trust, the less chance of being hurt.

I mentioned that I've had what I consider to have been five best friends in my life.... I've told you about the betrayl of three...... the only two left are the ones whom I trust the most never to have hurt or to hurt me..... my mother and my husband.

Friends? They aren't all their cracked up to be.......

Black Friday

There's no way I could NOT blog today. I have to take this oppurtunity to acknowledge my wonderful husband.

Since October and the first time I laid eyes on the new TMX Elmo, I knew that was... no, HAD TO BE... Faith's birthday gift this year. This lil guy was amazing. I mean, not only did he laugh when you tickled him but he rolls on the floor laughing AND gets up on his feet by himself. Oh yeah.... Made In China.... go figure? So for the past 2 months I've been calling WalMart and Toys R Us to see if they had gotten any in. When we stopped in Toys R Us at the beginning of November to get the boys thier gift cards, the girl said that they got a shipment of 60 dolls in that morning and by noon they were gone. Missed by about 6 hours. That's the closest I had gotten. Both Joel and I have been online numerous times and they haven't even been available online, aside from the cheap Ebay price of $150. Umm, no. Not when WalMart and Toys R Us have it advertised for $40. Joel spend an hour or two on the phone yesterday calling all the WalMart's in the area to see if they'd even have any today. No luck.

So I've been saying the past few weeks that the only way that little girl was gonna get this was for me to go out on "Black Friday". Oh yes. I've never... repeat... NEVER have been out on a Black Friday. I'm blonde, but not stupid. But this year, I was gonna do it for TMX Elmo. Then I got sick and wasn't sure I was gonna be able to go, so yesterday morning when I woke up and felt better I again mentioned doing the Black Friday thing and he says "I'll go". I about passed out. Thank God I was still laying in the bed. I thought "Come again. Did I hear that right?" I asked him to repeat. He did say what I thought I heard. I thought maybe the Steroid dosage they had given me was too high. I mean this is a man that HATES shopping. HATES it. Let alone on "Black Friday". So since he said he would go, I've reassured him that it's not something he had to do. He says, "I know, I want to."

The alarm goes off this morning at 4:15am. I hit snooze till about 4:45am. I roll outta bed and try to sneak in to get ready. I flipped on the light to find my clothes and he mutteres from under his blanket, "You be sure to wake me when your almost ready... promise?" I told him that I wasn't planning on getting spiffed up to go to Toys R Us and do some pushin and shovin and all I had to do was throw on some clothes, pull my hair up in a hat and slip on my shoes. He was up outta bed looking for clothes before I got outta the bathroom. To make a long story short....we not only got one TMX Elmo's, but two. We also were able to get the digital camera (a doorbuster item!). We set on a mission for two purchases and achieved both, plus a few extra side items (when you stand in the check-out line for an hour you seem to find things along the way).

After coming home he hopped on the computer to play his game, his wind down time. As I loaded the dishwasher with last nights crusty Thanksgiving dinner plates.... it was then I realized just how very lucky I was. I've always known how lucky I've been but I mean this man who I just married went..... not because he wanted to find anything special.... but because he didn't want me going alone and also wanted to play a part in finding this "special gift" for Faith.

There's not even any words I can think to express what today has meant for me, what he has made today mean for me. What he makes every day mean to me. Just when I think I can't possibly love him anymore than I do, I'm yet surprised again.