Time to be "sirius"

You know every once in awhile I need to do a reality check. Step back..... look, think, and appreciate.

Yesterday morning Joel had to drive out of town, still in WV granted, but good Lord to a place I had never heard of. Poor thing. One way trip was 2 hrs. I worried. That was a given, I'll always do that. So by 2pm I was in a bit of a panic because I hadn't heard from him. Of course the most horrible thoughts were running through my mind. Car accident, broke down.... ya know, Anxiety. I seriously think I may need to look into medication. I've always been this way for as far back as I can remember. Makes me wonder.

So, finally he gets back into town and he sends me a text that he is at Wal-Mart looking at a Sirius radio. He's mentioned looking into getting one since he's on the road and in a lot of areas where he just can't pick up a good radio station. Not that there are many good radio stations in WV anyway. Most of them play honky tonk, but we won't elaborate on that :)

I give him a call and he tells me that he's went ahead and bought one. I'm thinking "Ok, good. Now he'll have radio no matter where he goes." He meets me after work and hands me over his paycheck (go ahead ladies, envy away). We've been trying to plan this wedding and even though it's not going to be anything fancy we still have purchases we need to make. My dress, his tux, flowers, preacher, and let's not forget the most important..... HONEYMOON!!!! He's so excited about this radio! He's so cute when he gets this excited about something, I love it. So he heads home to "set it up" and I head to the bank. I stopped at a little store to pick up a few things and then home. He meets me at the car and says "This thing cost more to activate than what I thought.", and just gives me a look. Hard to describe really, kinda like little puppy dog eyes. He tells me the it cost $166. Ok. I'm a little confused. It's $166 including the $50 for the system? He says no.... it's $166 in addition to the $50. My jaw dropped, I do believe. I'm not much on understanding all this technical crap.... hell, I still don't have a clue what a friggin iPod does???

I didn't become angry, not at all. A little frustrated, I believe. But not angry. Of course the first thoughts running through my mind is... no dress, no tux, no honeymoon, no wedding. Hence the reason why I think I may need medication, see? He says to me, "We have 3 days to cancel without any kind of obligations. I can call them back and cancel the service and then in a month, two, or three call back to activate it." Now at that very moment I remember that excited look in his eyes when he showed up at work with his little toy. Boys and their toys, eh? I tell him no, to go ahead and leave it that there's no use in having something and not even being able to use it. So I immediately sit down to do up our checkbook and see what's coming out and what bills HAVE to be paid. He comes into the Living Room 3 or 4 times with this worried look on his face. I make a few calls... the insurance company, the phone company... to confirm the least amount we can pay to continue with service. Now granted, I was planning on making these calls anyway, had nothing to do with his radio. He kept reminding me each time he came into the Living Room that he had 3 days to cancel, he was so cute. The bottom line didn't look as bad as what I thought it was going to look, so I told him that it was fine with me to go ahead with it and that we were going to be ok. I did mention to him the next time either one of us go out and spend $200 that we should check with the other person first. He agreed, but then reminded me about my little shopping spree when he was in South Dakota. Ouch, that hurt. But ya know, he was absolutely right.

This morning as I look at his desk and see that little radio sitting there I just gotta stop and think..... he works so hard, never wants anything. He's content with the car he drives, the clothes he wears, packed lunch with ham sandwiches 5 days a week.... and I acted like a schmuck on impulse when he told me how much this thing was. Now this is a wonderful man, not a man out blowing money on strip clubs, gambling, booze, or drugs... but a man that works hard every day and just hands his check over to me to pay bills and buy what our family needs. How could have I reacted the way I did? I'm embarressed about my reaction. I have an absolute wonderful man who is dependable and sensible. Time to step back..... look, think and appreciate.

Time to be sirius.

The Sesame Street Personality Quiz

You Are Ernie

Playful and childlike, you are everyone's favorite friend - even if your goofy antics get annoying at times.
You are usually feeling: Amused - you are very easily entertained
You are famous for: Always making people smile. From your silly songs to your wild pranks, you keep things fun.
How you view your life: With ease. Life is only difficult when your friends won't play with you

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Ok, I'm officially hooked. There are so many cool things on this website!!!!!

How Sinful Are You?

Your Deadly Sins

Envy: 80%
Sloth: 20%
Gluttony: 0%
Greed: 0%
Lust: 0%
Pride: 0%
Wrath: 0%

Chance You'll Go to Hell: 14%

You will die a boring death. While dying, you will be jealous of those who die dramatic deaths.
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LOL. Cool link. I needed to laugh.

http://www.blogthings.com/howsinfulareyouquiz/

Jealousy?

I just got done reading an article, written by a male, about jealousy. What I like to refer to, in my case, as low self-esteem. Yeah yeah.... jealousy is the bottom line. I don't know, for me it comes naturally, like I don't even have to struggle with the thoughts. They just roll into my mind naturally, without any effort on my part. This article, though cleverly written by a male, kind of brings light the jealousy a lot of us struggle with...... and those wonderful partners that put up with it.

He writes:

A Suspicious Letter

Diane left some letters on the kitchen counter for me to mail, as she always does, and as I walked down the steps I quickly looked through them, as I always do. Among the endless bills was a hand-addressed envelope to a man at an address I didn't recognize in another state.

I thought for a second about asking Diane who he was, but I didn't want to appear, y'know, suspicious. So instead I went down to my office and acted suspicious, searching the name and address on the Internet. I finally found him on a government scientific Web site. And while I tried not to jump to any conclusions, I couldn't get my mind to stop considering the possibility...

Is my wife cheating on me with an algae researcher?

I wrote down the name and address on a Post-it (easier to eat if I had to destroy the evidence), mailed the mail, and went about my business. For the next two days I thought about how to bring this up to Diane. Then I got an e-mail. It was from the researcher. Oh my god. I clicked it open and there was just one sentence:

"Did you get the swizzle sticks yet?"

That mystery letter? A check Diane had written for something I forgot that I'd bought on eBay.

Okay, I'm an idiot. I'm also a jealous guy. Always have been. Probably always will be. If nearly 20 years of marriage to a woman who loves and completes me hasn't cured me, nothing will.

Jealousy is one of the few emotions that husbands have always been expected to express. Unfortunately, most of us express it really badly -- often for absolutely no good reason, and sometimes with disastrous consequences. It might be the only emotion that wives wish husbands would suppress.

After the swizzle stick episode, I started asking my basketball buddies about jealousy -- what Shakespeare called "the green-eyed monster which doth mock the meat it feeds on." (I didn't mention Shakespeare specifically because I didn't want anyone to throw the ball at my head. It was bad enough I was asking them to admit they actually had feelings.)

I was most interested to hear from one guy because I knew he and his wife had just entered a scenario rife with betrayal possibilities. After many years of being home with their kids, his wife took a job at a small company with a lot of younger single people. I was at a party recently where I saw her with some of her new male colleagues. They flocked around her, almost flirtatiously, I thought. It actually made me feel a little jealous on my buddy's behalf.

So I was amused by the way my friend denied the role of jealousy in his marriage. "Not as big a deal now as it was 20 years ago," he said, "but I've always had more to be jealous about than my wife, because she is a first-class flirt." Then he added, a bit irritably, as if the facts were irrefutably in his favor: "Look, her coworkers are all much younger and/or gay. And the one person she is hanging out with lots is 10 years younger, with a pregnant wife."

Oh, okay. Good thing you're not feeling threatened. And, of course, guys never cheat on their pregnant wives.

Why I'm a Jealous Guy

How he stays calm I don't know. I get jealous over much less. I'm not what experts call "morbidly jealous" -- I don't get aggressive or have much of a temper. But I do feel more jealous than any happily married man should. And it comes out in all kinds of little ways I'm embarrassed to admit. Besides occasionally checking out the mail (or, okay, the cell phone bill), I definitely do the "husbandly hover." I pay a little too much attention to whom Diane talks with at parties, remaining far enough away to be inconspicuous but close enough to stealthily intercede in any conversation that seems suspiciously long.

Why do husbands do this kind of stuff? During our first few years together I believed my actions were well-founded responses to something real -- perhaps a carryover from fighting off other suitors to win Diane's hand. Like many husbands, I felt I had married someone way better than I deserved and needed to diligently protect myself against losing her. I still feel that way and can see how Diane attracts people: She's smart and disarmingly funny and, at 50, still turns heads (sometimes all the way around) in just a T-shirt and jeans.

But I have also come to understand that most of my jealousy is unfounded and unprovoked -- something I brought into the marriage, like that ugly brown sleeper sofa.

According to social scientists, husbands and wives are jealous in different ways: Supposedly, men care more about sexual fidelity and women care more about emotional fidelity. And, in a more important sociological indicator -- bad movie dialogue -- it is usually "did you sleep with him?" versus "do you love her?"

Now, I've always been troubled by this notion that men care more about possessing women than loving them, treating them like toys that nobody else can play with, while women will overlook sexual indiscretions as long as he loves her best (Lori adds: Are these women idiots?? "Like hell", that's all I'm gonna say on this remark!!!). So I'm glad to report that recent studies show jealousy is becoming a more equal-opportunity obsession. Men are now scoring as more emotionally jealous than ever before, and women as more sexually jealous (Lori adds again: I must be a raging lunatic, they both sound horrid to me). Our worst relationship fears have all begun to even out. This could mean men are learning to love more or that women have finally wised up about the old "I slept with her but it didn't mean anything" line, or both.

As for us, I consider myself lucky that after 20 years together my wife is still kind of flattered by how possessive I can be. Even now Diane recalls as "funny and cute" how, during our courtship, I used to show up "coincidentally" at restaurants where she was dining with friends. ("Funny and cute?" a friend of ours gasped when she later heard about my extreme wooing. "He was a stalker!")

When I recently fessed up to Diane about the algae researcher incident, she found it "hilariously touching." I guess that's because she appreciates the upside of jealousy in a marriage. And no matter how many times she has to deal with me waiting up for her like some '60s sitcom dad on the few nights she goes out with the girls, I can think of only one thing worse for our relationship.

And that would be if I stopped being so jealous.

__________________________________________________________________

It's funny and oh so true. Sad to think I have this in common with the male species (or at least some of the male species). It's like you don't even look for things, then BOOM. They hit like a brick wall. I guess for people like me, little things that really mean nothing turn into meaning a whole lot more. It gnaws at you, or, at least it does me.

"Oh great. Here it comes again. Brace yourself. Hurt. There's something your not saying or doing right, or something or somebody you're not or never will be. Way to go. Well, what else did you expect, eh? It lasted longer then what you could have hoped for."

Even though the article brings a smile about jealousy, the feelings I feel do not.

Yeah, I hate this about me.

Ixnay on the Amadray

After the last few posts, you just gotta wonder what's gonna be next. Well great news! No more drama. So.... I, ummmmm, had a moment or two. Geesh already. You know what the Bible says, don't ya? "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone". Yeah, now that's what I'm talkin' about!

Now we will tune you into our regularly scheduled program "The REAL Blog"

Ahem. Glad that's all behind us now....... moving on.

One More Day

To everyone who's lost someone they love
Long before it was their time
You feel like the days you had were not enough
when you said goodbye
____________________________________________________________________

This is the first verse in a song I recently heard from Third Day.
The chorus continues:

When your lonely
And it feels like the whole world is falling on you
You just reach out, you just cry out to Jesus
Cry to Jesus
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There are times in my life that I feel betrayed by Him. I know He loves me, and I love Him. Feeling betrayed doesn't change my belief in Him or my love for Him, but it also doesn't erase the emptiness and hurt.

He knew this:
She was my rock. She was my heart. She was my best friend. She's the only person in my life that I knew would love me, no matter what. She was always there for me when I needed her. She held me. She rocked me. She loved me until the hurt was gone, no matter how long it took. She was there through the worst times in my life.
It's now I wish she were here to see that I get that from him, I wish she were here with me for the happiest time in my life.

I'm getting married next month. To a wonderful man. To a man I know in my heart she would love. She would be so happy for me. I wish she were here for it. I wish she were here to fix my hair, to hug me and tell me how happy she is for me. I wish she were here to tell me how beautiful I am (she was partial like that). I can see her face now. I can see her smile thru tears of happiness, and all for her little girl. I just wish she were here. I miss her so much. I'm the happiest I've ever been but out of everything I have, if I had one wish?
it would be

One More Day.

Last night I had a crazy dream;
A wish was granted just for me,
It could be for anything.

I didn't ask for money
Or a mansion in Malibu.
I simply wished, for one more day with you.

One More Day.
One more time.
One more sunset, maybe I'd be satisfied.
But then again,
I know what it would do;
Leave me wishing still, for one more day with you.

One More Day.

First thing I'd do, is pray for time to crawl.
I'd unplug the telephone,
And keep the TV off.
I'd hold you every second,
Say a million I love you's.
That's what I'd do, with one more day with you.

One More Day.
One more time.
One more sunset, maybe I'd be satisfied.
But then again, I know what it would do;
Leave me wishing still, for one more day with you.

One More Day.
One more time.

One more sunset, maybe I'd be satisfied.

But then again, I know what it would do;
Leave me wishing still, for one more day with you

Leave me wishing still, for One More Day
Leave me wishing still, for One More Day
Leave me wishing still, for One More Day with you.

One More Day.

By: Diamond Rio
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I wish you were her mommy. I'm in love, I'm happy...what you've always wanted me to be. I wish I could feel your arms around me...that "mommy hug" you gave so well. Just once more.

I love you Mom.

Productivity Rocks!

Ok, I'm lonely....thus the reason why I'm a blogging fool the past couple of days.

Earlier I said that there was no way anything is getting done till I get a nap. Well I got a second wind and actually sitting down to take a break hoping that a third wind whirls my way. I got so much done today!!!! YAY for me!!! Got the entire ceiling painted in the bedroom, got the dining room table stained and varnished and currently I'm working on the walls. Oh yes...let's not forget the shopping trip. Joel will learn to go out of town....it's his fault I've spent so much money!!! Eh, had to try to lay the blame somewhere!

I'm yawning. This is NOT good. I wanted to at least have the bedroom done and was actually hoping for the dining room as well. I'm not going to be able to do much in the morning cuz I gotta be outta here by 1pm, possibly no later than 1:30pm. His flight lands at 3:55pm. Hmmm, let's calculate shall we? 15 hrs and 10 min!!! Woo Hoo...less than 24 hrs!!! Alrighty then, that's what I needed for that third wind.....

I'm outta here

Agenda

So after my "drama" last night I tried so hard to go to sleep and couldn't. I kept waking up to look at the time. Joel said he would call after he and his brothers got done shooting pool.

At one point I drifted off but then dreampt that the phone had rang. I remember holding it up to my ear (I fell asleep with it in my hand) and saying how glad I was that he called and asked if he had a good time. Nothing. It wasn't until I checked the caller ID that I realized he hadn't called at all. It was almost 6am and to be honest with you I was starting to worry...surprise, surprise. It's not like him to say that he would call and then doesn't.

So, I called. Left a message for him asking that he call me. His cell phone service out there was not good. I called once more as I started to drift off this time a bit more emotional about not hearing from him. He ended up calling at exactly 6am (which would be 4am SD time). We talked till around 8am (ahhh, just like the good old days) and he told me all about his day. I love listening to him talk, it's like music to my ears.

Tim picks Faith up around 3pm today and I had a plan. Notice I said "had". My plan was to finish up unpacking and making the place look as close to a home as I can, I had an agenda. Not that I won't work on it but I gotta tell ya it's not gonna be as soon as Faith leaves. I've got to get in a nap or I'll be useless. For me to nap during the day is rare, very rare. Gives the indication that I've been putting myself under a lot of stress, I say I've been putting myself under stress because there's no reason for me to be like this when he's only away for 3 days. Well...2 days, 19 hrs and 3 min. Whaaaat? The past few days it seems while I'm sleeping is the only time my stomach doesn't hurt.

I knew that I would miss him, but come on now....this is pathetic.

One more day.....actually 28hrs and 3 minutes.
No. I'm not counting down or anything....
Honest.

Why Do I Do This?

Sometimes I'm so ambivalent that I end up doing things I'm sorry for. Then my insides hurt so bad that I become emotional and the thoughts begin to roll.

I was going to write about how I'm feeling right now....but I can't even explain it.

Something is wrong with me. It's not normal to worry this much that it makes you sick inside. I don't even know why I'm crying.

It's ridiculous to be this way.

I've got to stop thinking.....it's time to go to bed.

The Hardest Goodbye

3 days. Doesn't seem like a long time, does it? Nope, not long at all.

Till I saw this in my rear-view mirror.

Pittsburgh National Airport. The last time I saw this was almost a year ago, on October 30, 2005. What I consider to be the first day of the rest of my life.

It was on a Saturday. I remember this because I worked that Saturday. I had traded off a day or two so I could move and get the new place ready for his arrival. I hardly slept a wink Friday night. I was a nervous wreck, but at the same time the excitement was overwhelming.

For those of you who don't know.....here's the story.

Joel and I met online. Not a dating service, but in a chat room. Believe me, neither of us were looking for a relationship. I was to the point of giving up any kind of hope for being in love and he's told me that he felt the same. So, we actually started chatting about the opposite sex (for him, women...for me, men). We laughed because even though we were belittling the opposite human anatomy, we were doing this as man to woman and woman to man. I don't know. I guess you had to be there to appreciate the humor.

We became close, fast. Talked about everything. Laugh. Oh God, how he made me laugh. And I think that's just one of his traits that I find the most attractive. No kidding, I would (and still do) be doing something and just all of a sudden something he said (or did) came to mind and I'd laugh aloud. Not just a smile, but actual laughter. Oh yes, his humor,personality and especially his heart were what nailed me...hook, line and sinker.

Chatting turned to phone conversations and ahh ....the phone conversations. I wish I could have recorded them and played them back to listen to years later. One night, this is no lie, we talked on the phone from about 10pm till about 6am. I didn't even sleep that night. I got off the phone with him, hopped in the shower and floated to work. He was on my mind constantly. The things he would share, his stories, the way he listened to me, the way he made me laugh. I have to smile thinking about those days, but little did I know at that time just how lucky I would soon become.

Things became serious. It got to the point that he's all I thought about and when I didn't hear from him I missed him, more than I had ever missed any man. I don't even recall how the idea of him moving here started. I believe I kept throwing it out to him in a teasing way and soon it became a decision that both of us made. Being together is what we wanted.

So after work at 4pm on October 30, 2005 I drove to Pittsburgh National Airport to pick up my future. It's funny because I can remember him saying that he was flying to West Virginia to "claim his prize". I still smile thinking about how when he said that, it melted me. I don't even remember the drive to Pittsburgh. It's a wonder I didn't get lost! Seriously. I remember nothing about the drive. I remember playing "our" music and being very excited. The nerves set in when I stood at the bottom of four sets of escalators not knowing which one he was going to come down. I glanced from one, to another, to the other, and to the last...over and over again. Watching legs slowly come down until I saw the face. He came down the escaltor which was the farthest. I knew it was him even from that distance. His tall stature and stride took my breathe away.

He walked right up to me, we spoke and he smiled. I swear I could have melted in my shoes at that moment! He embraced me and gave me a hug that sent chills. Literally. I swear I could not stop shaking. He still talks about that today, how I shook in his arms as we stood there in the airport. I tried to stop, I swear. Nobody has ever had that kind of effect on me. Ever!

That was the first day of my life.

Yesterday was the hardest goodbye I've ever had to say. Leaving that airport without him. Looking back in my rear-view mirror and knowing that there could be a possiblility that I may never see him again. I watched the shows on 9/11 and how those wives lost their husbands. How the last call from him will be a haunting memory in their mind forever. The tears they cry because they've lost him. Oh God, I can't even begin to imagine. Looking in the bedroom and not seeing him, not hearing him, smelling him or being able to touch him. Just the thought of it makes my heart ache.

The house is quiet tonight. I don't like it. God I miss him already. I miss hearing the little beeps that come from his Star Trek game (even though I moan about him playing it all the time). Watching him play with that sexy little patch of hair below his lower lip when he really concentrates on something. I miss hearing him call me baby. I miss his hug...he gives the best hugs. I miss being able to walk by him and touch him...rub his shoulder, scratch his back, touch his face.

3 days?
Yes. 3 days is a long time when your missing the one thing that you've waited for your entire life.

Have You Ever?

I'm typically not one to be able to share my feelings and it seems at times when I do, I usually become fumbled with words and it seems to come out all wrong. I often use music to express my mood, my emotions, my feelings. It's an easy way to let someone know how I feel without tripping over words. I wish it were easier for me to talk to the people I love, but I believe my past has made me grown to forget how to do that. Or, better yet...if it were like a blog. I sit and think and if I type something that has come out wrong, just backspace or delete and re-word it. Maybe that's why I tend to come here when I'm feeling so strongly about something.

So here I am.

I sat in the living room last night trying to think of a song to express love. Yes, there are many. But a song that expresses the kind of deep love where the least little thing seems to tear your world apart. All day yesterday I was upset with myself for letting one little thing hurt me so badly. I didn't know why it hurt so badly and actually at some point in my day I told myself..."Self"...yes, I actually say it like this..."You have got to be insane to allow something like this upset you this badly. Get over it. It's stupid and you expect too much. If you keep expecting like this, what you have will be taken away." Yeah. That didn't help. Now I had thoughts of loosing what I had. And as much as I fought myself yesterday I still struggled with wondering why this hurt so bad. I didn't know. I was angry that I was hurting and didn't understand why.

Have You Ever?

As I sat there on the couch hearing Elmo sing his Elmo song (I've learned to block it so it's heard and not listened to), this song came to mind. I did a search and found a link so hear the song and to read the words. You know express feelings with music.

http://www.minibite.com/romance/haveyouever.htm

Even though there are parts of the song that doesn't reflect my feelings, the chorus she sings expresses the love and how strong and deeply I feel.......well, love. I've never had this and I suppose this is the reason little things do what they do. Maybe this is why I also seem to "wait for the other shoe to drop". I never in my life imagined having this kind of love. I've never in my life felt this song before like I do now. I always wondered why someone would sing a song like this when today I can understand. Like I said, not every word in this song applies to me, but it's the passion and the emotion that I feel when I think about the love I have for him.

Baby I don't tell you enough how much you mean to me. I love you with everything I am. I may not be able to always express to you my feelings in a way that you will understand, but I do promise you that I will continue to try. Thank you for your love, your understanding, your patience, and for these feelings I wake up to every morning. Thank you for showing me how love is supposed to feel. I will treasure it always just as I will treasure you always.

With a love so strong, words cannot express.

You are my rock, my support, my refuge....you are my life.
Now and forever, you have my heart. Completely and in whole.

Silhouette

I love this photo. I love how the tree silhouettes against the sunset sky. Photography is amazing, isn't it? Captures the moment just as you remember it.

Our memory does the same. Even though we may not have a photo to hold in our hands to help us remember those special times in our lives, our memory serves us that purpose.

My loved ones are the silhouette against my sunset. It is them who silhouette my sky at the end of a long day. When I go home to them, it takes my day away. And as it should. When I come home I can feel the burden of the day slowly fade away. No matter how hard my day has been feeling that feeling of love and safety brings me to relax. Sometimes it doesn't come across that my home does that for me, but it does. For the first time, home is home. Home is the place I want to be.

And when home is special, as my home is to me, then even while away....the thought of home can relax and make you feel love.

What To Do?

Ever feel that there's nothing that you can do that will possibly be enough? Ever feel that hurt that your loved one is feeling would be easier if you could feel it instead? I mean just take it away so you don't see them in pain anymore. That's how I feel tonight.

Joel found out this afternoon that his Grandfather passed. I had to tell him. I have to say that's probably the hardest thing I've had to say to anyone, especially to the man I love. I just keep replaying it in my mind wishing I had done one thing or the other differently. Maybe it would have helped him deal with it better if I had. I tried to give him a "It's ok, I'm here" smile, but I'm not sure it came across the way I intended it. I know. Nothing can possibly make something like this better, I guess I just wish I could do something to take his pain. I've never felt that before. Just to see him hurting....I wish it were me. The passing of a loved one, whether your close to them or not, is very deeply felt. I know, I've been there. The passing of my Papaw and Mamaw hurt, but I didn't even know what was yet to come until I dealt with the passing of my Mother. I'm not even sure if I've really dealt with it yet today.

All I can do is be there for him. Be here to hold him, to listen to him, to support him. I only know this because it's what I wish I would have had when I lost Mom. I know I can't take his pain, God knows I wish I could. If I could, I would in a heartbeat. I would rather it be me hurting right now.

So what to do? Nothing. Just be here when he reaches out. When he needs a hug. When he needs to know he has someone.

You have someone baby. I will always be here for you. I know I can't make it go away, but I will be right there....in your heart....always.

I love you.

Those Eyes

You know that look and you’ve seen those eyes;
The discreetly blunt stare from a passer-by.

That look can sometimes bring tears to your eyes;
And other times anger, though it can make you wise.

That studying look with those questioning eyes;
That are filled with so much curiousity and surprise.

They want to ask questions and some of them do;
They cannot comprehend for it’s so very new.

So they stare in their quiet and questioning gaze;
As you hurt even deeper in your own private ways.

For your pain is so real and you hurt deep inside;
It’s a pain without question you don’t easily hide.

It’s a journey, a process and it seems to come slow;
It’s a struggle of emotions but the pain will soon go.

You will learn how to look at those questioning eyes;
Without all the hurt...without all the whys.

For it comes from within that you change in your ways;
And it comes with much time and with practice each day.

So give yourself time and the space that you need;
As time is the key and Faith is the seed.

There will come a day when you soon realize;
How to look up and smile at those questioning eyes.
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Being the mother of a special needs child sure has a lot of emotional struggles, as we seem to live in our child's world. For me, I have no other children so Faith's development for me is "normal". That is, until we go outside of "Faith's world" then I realize just how delayed she is. I watch children her age run and play and that hurts, but I think seeing reactions from others can hurt the most. What you read above was written by a mother of a special needs child....it's the look of strangers that sometimes wants us to remain in our child's world and not explore the "outside world". At least in "Faith's world" she doesn't get "Those Eyes".

Love's Miracle

Miracles occur naturally as expressions of love. The real miracle is the love that inspires them. In this sense everything that comes from love is a miracle.
- Marianne Williamson

Love like wine, bitter against my lips

Softly lean forward, gently give you a kiss

Tangled together in arms, and tasting of you

Taking and owning everything that you do.

Standing beside you in the soft of the due

Looking at me as I look right at you.

Our eyes meet gently in a familiar glance

I take your hand as we begin to dance.
And two bodies glide softly across a wooden floor

Feet in memory of places that were stepped before.

Hands laced squeezing gently; head against your neck

I breath softly and kiss you as you draw a deep breath.

You whisper my name and it touches the air like

A thousand fingers passing gently through the wind.

You squeeze me against you and I let you win.

Our eyes lock once more and once again.

I see you now in a different light before me

You are my one the only that will ever adore me.

Your words and your actions are never pretend

I have found my life partner as the music comes to an end.

Irony

You can't go back, only forward, yet back is what you seek
Everything is at your fingers except for what you wheep
The world offers you everything, except your soul to keep
You feel you don't have the chance for what you sew you reap.
You can't get out of the hole, because you can only dig straight down
Running isn't optional since your legs can't find the ground
Swimming is an eternity where water will never be
And in the end of this you'll find the sudden simple irony.
Mirrors on the wall reflect everything but you
Dreaming you find answers for all that is untrue
Simplisitc gestures lack all of their certain charm
And in the midst of valor you're the knight which they disarm

The Importance

(click to enlarge)

The importance of ones life is to know they are needed. To know that they belong. To love and to be loved. To conquer all fears and to feel victorious no matter what the outcome may be.

The importance of love is that there are no barriers, no stipulations, no boundries. To know that the love that one shows you has no consequences or that you will stand no judgements.

The importance of happiness comes when both life and love work together as one.

I live my life to love him....that is the importance in my life. Now and always.

He is my rock, my shelter, my protector, my refuge, my foundation and my defender.
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I've heard many tales of one dying from a broken heart. I truly believe this. I believe that once you find the person you're meant to live and love, with and for, you can never live your life again without them beside you and your walk in life.

I've never had the feeling of complete emptiness and fear as I did tonight. Just the thought of awakening without him in my life left me feeling lost, it was inconceivable. I prayed. I prayed and at one point even felt betrayed. God must have shown this to him, because he asked me that whatever happens, to not be angry with God. His words burned and I felt myself become a bit shamed. He listens so well and I've forgotten how much I've shared. He remembered the anger that I shared with him I felt towards God during the trials with Faith and the loss of my mother. His request for me was immense, but as he looked at me with those beautiful and loving eyes, I couldn't respond. I couldn't make that promise. How could I? How do you not feel anger when God has control over what you have and what's taken away? And why is it fair to have something taken away that you've waited for your entire life? It's not.

I grinned at him thru tears and felt troubled that I couldn't make that promise....and I still do not know if that is a promise I could ever make.

It's 2:30am and as I write this, glancing over at the blanket to be sure I see the movement of his breathing, I bow my head to thank God. Thank You for not taking him. Thank You for answering my plea for help. Thank You for sending him to me. Thank You for his love, for Your love. And even tho there stands a promise that I may not be able to make, You understand. You love me. Your love cradles me.

The love for my Lord Jesus Christ stands, even thru my anger.

Thank You......for everything.

The past few weeks have been very difficult for me, more so than ever before. It's at times like this that I know that I have to depend on God to intervene and help me gain the strength to "wake up". There are times he brings others into our life to help us achieve this. A pastor, a special friend, or for me....the love of my life. Satan has really been working his manipulation with me the past few weeks and I've allowed him do so. I try so hard and try so hard to do it alone, to avoid being embarrassed or ashamed. But do you know what? He has never made me feel ashamed or embarrassed for my feelings. He always encourages me to share my feelings and my thoughts. As I sit here typing this, I glance over at him sleeping in the bed and I find my eyes fill with tears by the power of his love.

I've dealt with the past within myself for awhile now. I didn't talk or share with anyone. The pain and hurt I felt every day was bottled up and kept secret. I woke up wishing that I could just continue to sleep, you see it's only then that my mind would allow me to be content with myself. I didn't think about my past nor did I wonder how my future would be. Never did I imagine to be in the place that I am now.

The last 8 months have went by so quickly. Every day brings me another step in becoming content. The only word that sums up with the way I feel these days is....amazement. I honestly thought that I would die not feeling the power of that love again. After my mom passed is especially when my loneliness began. The unconditional and remarkable way she would love me... I honestly thought was something I would never experience again. I felt invisible. Even when people would look at me, it was like they were looking right through me. I was the one who needed to be strong...always. I couldn't dare let them see me cry, they would think I was weak.

It wasn't until he walked into my life that I realized....it was okay. It was okay to feel weak at times, it was okay to cry, and most importantly it was okay to allow others in. He opens me up to a world I thought I'd never regain. A world that I thought died with my mom. He loves me like I've never been loved before and the way he holds me and looks at me takes my breathe away...the last time I saw that love was in the eyes of my mom. Satan knows this and he knows the moment to plan his attack. For the past few weeks it's been my insecurity that he has used against me, like a silver sword. Stabbing at me, cutting me deep. And if he doesn't succeed with the first lash, he'll keep plunging the sword into me until he achieves his goal. The goal to destory happiness, to destroy life. But little does Satan know that God has sent him into my life and will not allow this to be destroyed. It was meant to be and it shall be.

For my love....thank you for everything you give me, for the way you make me feel safe and loved, uncondtionally. Thank you for your support. Thank you for holding me and telling me it's alright. Thank you for your touch and the way you look at me. Thank you for the way you hold me. Thank you for your patience and for your understanding. Thank you for listening with an open mind and an open heart. Thank you for not judging me. Thank you for making me happy. Most of all I want to thank you showing me something I thought I'd lost forever.....
the power of love.

When You Love Someone

When you love someone - you'll do anything
You'll do all the crazy things that you can't explain
You'll shoot the moon - put out the sun
When you love someone

You'll deny the truth - believe a lie
There'll be times that you'll believe you can really fly
But you're lonely nights - have just begun
When you love someone

When you love someone - you'll feel it deep inside
And nothin else can ever change your mind
When you want someone - when you need someone
When you love someone...

When you love someone - you'll sacrifice
You'd give it everything you got and you won't think twice
You'd risk it all - no matter what may come
When you love someone
You'll shoot the moon - put out the sun
When you love someone

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Sometimes the words of a song say enough.
And the moment that you feel those words are being said back to you indicate the love you hold is a strong, true, long-lasting love. True Love.

He's my lover, my supporter, my confidant.....he is my best friend.

I love you too