"I Do"

These are a few photos of where we'll be getting married....NEXT WEEK!!
November 11, 2006

It's beautiful and peaceful...as is the love he and I share.
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Our Summer Romantic Getaway Adventure

Some other photos which I took over the summer on our Romantic Summer Getaway Adventure!
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Time to be "sirius"

You know every once in awhile I need to do a reality check. Step back..... look, think, and appreciate.

Yesterday morning Joel had to drive out of town, still in WV granted, but good Lord to a place I had never heard of. Poor thing. One way trip was 2 hrs. I worried. That was a given, I'll always do that. So by 2pm I was in a bit of a panic because I hadn't heard from him. Of course the most horrible thoughts were running through my mind. Car accident, broke down.... ya know, Anxiety. I seriously think I may need to look into medication. I've always been this way for as far back as I can remember. Makes me wonder.

So, finally he gets back into town and he sends me a text that he is at Wal-Mart looking at a Sirius radio. He's mentioned looking into getting one since he's on the road and in a lot of areas where he just can't pick up a good radio station. Not that there are many good radio stations in WV anyway. Most of them play honky tonk, but we won't elaborate on that :)

I give him a call and he tells me that he's went ahead and bought one. I'm thinking "Ok, good. Now he'll have radio no matter where he goes." He meets me after work and hands me over his paycheck (go ahead ladies, envy away). We've been trying to plan this wedding and even though it's not going to be anything fancy we still have purchases we need to make. My dress, his tux, flowers, preacher, and let's not forget the most important..... HONEYMOON!!!! He's so excited about this radio! He's so cute when he gets this excited about something, I love it. So he heads home to "set it up" and I head to the bank. I stopped at a little store to pick up a few things and then home. He meets me at the car and says "This thing cost more to activate than what I thought.", and just gives me a look. Hard to describe really, kinda like little puppy dog eyes. He tells me the it cost $166. Ok. I'm a little confused. It's $166 including the $50 for the system? He says no.... it's $166 in addition to the $50. My jaw dropped, I do believe. I'm not much on understanding all this technical crap.... hell, I still don't have a clue what a friggin iPod does???

I didn't become angry, not at all. A little frustrated, I believe. But not angry. Of course the first thoughts running through my mind is... no dress, no tux, no honeymoon, no wedding. Hence the reason why I think I may need medication, see? He says to me, "We have 3 days to cancel without any kind of obligations. I can call them back and cancel the service and then in a month, two, or three call back to activate it." Now at that very moment I remember that excited look in his eyes when he showed up at work with his little toy. Boys and their toys, eh? I tell him no, to go ahead and leave it that there's no use in having something and not even being able to use it. So I immediately sit down to do up our checkbook and see what's coming out and what bills HAVE to be paid. He comes into the Living Room 3 or 4 times with this worried look on his face. I make a few calls... the insurance company, the phone company... to confirm the least amount we can pay to continue with service. Now granted, I was planning on making these calls anyway, had nothing to do with his radio. He kept reminding me each time he came into the Living Room that he had 3 days to cancel, he was so cute. The bottom line didn't look as bad as what I thought it was going to look, so I told him that it was fine with me to go ahead with it and that we were going to be ok. I did mention to him the next time either one of us go out and spend $200 that we should check with the other person first. He agreed, but then reminded me about my little shopping spree when he was in South Dakota. Ouch, that hurt. But ya know, he was absolutely right.

This morning as I look at his desk and see that little radio sitting there I just gotta stop and think..... he works so hard, never wants anything. He's content with the car he drives, the clothes he wears, packed lunch with ham sandwiches 5 days a week.... and I acted like a schmuck on impulse when he told me how much this thing was. Now this is a wonderful man, not a man out blowing money on strip clubs, gambling, booze, or drugs... but a man that works hard every day and just hands his check over to me to pay bills and buy what our family needs. How could have I reacted the way I did? I'm embarressed about my reaction. I have an absolute wonderful man who is dependable and sensible. Time to step back..... look, think and appreciate.

Time to be sirius.

The Sesame Street Personality Quiz

You Are Ernie

Playful and childlike, you are everyone's favorite friend - even if your goofy antics get annoying at times.
You are usually feeling: Amused - you are very easily entertained
You are famous for: Always making people smile. From your silly songs to your wild pranks, you keep things fun.
How you view your life: With ease. Life is only difficult when your friends won't play with you

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Ok, I'm officially hooked. There are so many cool things on this website!!!!!

How Sinful Are You?

Your Deadly Sins

Envy: 80%
Sloth: 20%
Gluttony: 0%
Greed: 0%
Lust: 0%
Pride: 0%
Wrath: 0%

Chance You'll Go to Hell: 14%

You will die a boring death. While dying, you will be jealous of those who die dramatic deaths.
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LOL. Cool link. I needed to laugh.

http://www.blogthings.com/howsinfulareyouquiz/

Jealousy?

I just got done reading an article, written by a male, about jealousy. What I like to refer to, in my case, as low self-esteem. Yeah yeah.... jealousy is the bottom line. I don't know, for me it comes naturally, like I don't even have to struggle with the thoughts. They just roll into my mind naturally, without any effort on my part. This article, though cleverly written by a male, kind of brings light the jealousy a lot of us struggle with...... and those wonderful partners that put up with it.

He writes:

A Suspicious Letter

Diane left some letters on the kitchen counter for me to mail, as she always does, and as I walked down the steps I quickly looked through them, as I always do. Among the endless bills was a hand-addressed envelope to a man at an address I didn't recognize in another state.

I thought for a second about asking Diane who he was, but I didn't want to appear, y'know, suspicious. So instead I went down to my office and acted suspicious, searching the name and address on the Internet. I finally found him on a government scientific Web site. And while I tried not to jump to any conclusions, I couldn't get my mind to stop considering the possibility...

Is my wife cheating on me with an algae researcher?

I wrote down the name and address on a Post-it (easier to eat if I had to destroy the evidence), mailed the mail, and went about my business. For the next two days I thought about how to bring this up to Diane. Then I got an e-mail. It was from the researcher. Oh my god. I clicked it open and there was just one sentence:

"Did you get the swizzle sticks yet?"

That mystery letter? A check Diane had written for something I forgot that I'd bought on eBay.

Okay, I'm an idiot. I'm also a jealous guy. Always have been. Probably always will be. If nearly 20 years of marriage to a woman who loves and completes me hasn't cured me, nothing will.

Jealousy is one of the few emotions that husbands have always been expected to express. Unfortunately, most of us express it really badly -- often for absolutely no good reason, and sometimes with disastrous consequences. It might be the only emotion that wives wish husbands would suppress.

After the swizzle stick episode, I started asking my basketball buddies about jealousy -- what Shakespeare called "the green-eyed monster which doth mock the meat it feeds on." (I didn't mention Shakespeare specifically because I didn't want anyone to throw the ball at my head. It was bad enough I was asking them to admit they actually had feelings.)

I was most interested to hear from one guy because I knew he and his wife had just entered a scenario rife with betrayal possibilities. After many years of being home with their kids, his wife took a job at a small company with a lot of younger single people. I was at a party recently where I saw her with some of her new male colleagues. They flocked around her, almost flirtatiously, I thought. It actually made me feel a little jealous on my buddy's behalf.

So I was amused by the way my friend denied the role of jealousy in his marriage. "Not as big a deal now as it was 20 years ago," he said, "but I've always had more to be jealous about than my wife, because she is a first-class flirt." Then he added, a bit irritably, as if the facts were irrefutably in his favor: "Look, her coworkers are all much younger and/or gay. And the one person she is hanging out with lots is 10 years younger, with a pregnant wife."

Oh, okay. Good thing you're not feeling threatened. And, of course, guys never cheat on their pregnant wives.

Why I'm a Jealous Guy

How he stays calm I don't know. I get jealous over much less. I'm not what experts call "morbidly jealous" -- I don't get aggressive or have much of a temper. But I do feel more jealous than any happily married man should. And it comes out in all kinds of little ways I'm embarrassed to admit. Besides occasionally checking out the mail (or, okay, the cell phone bill), I definitely do the "husbandly hover." I pay a little too much attention to whom Diane talks with at parties, remaining far enough away to be inconspicuous but close enough to stealthily intercede in any conversation that seems suspiciously long.

Why do husbands do this kind of stuff? During our first few years together I believed my actions were well-founded responses to something real -- perhaps a carryover from fighting off other suitors to win Diane's hand. Like many husbands, I felt I had married someone way better than I deserved and needed to diligently protect myself against losing her. I still feel that way and can see how Diane attracts people: She's smart and disarmingly funny and, at 50, still turns heads (sometimes all the way around) in just a T-shirt and jeans.

But I have also come to understand that most of my jealousy is unfounded and unprovoked -- something I brought into the marriage, like that ugly brown sleeper sofa.

According to social scientists, husbands and wives are jealous in different ways: Supposedly, men care more about sexual fidelity and women care more about emotional fidelity. And, in a more important sociological indicator -- bad movie dialogue -- it is usually "did you sleep with him?" versus "do you love her?"

Now, I've always been troubled by this notion that men care more about possessing women than loving them, treating them like toys that nobody else can play with, while women will overlook sexual indiscretions as long as he loves her best (Lori adds: Are these women idiots?? "Like hell", that's all I'm gonna say on this remark!!!). So I'm glad to report that recent studies show jealousy is becoming a more equal-opportunity obsession. Men are now scoring as more emotionally jealous than ever before, and women as more sexually jealous (Lori adds again: I must be a raging lunatic, they both sound horrid to me). Our worst relationship fears have all begun to even out. This could mean men are learning to love more or that women have finally wised up about the old "I slept with her but it didn't mean anything" line, or both.

As for us, I consider myself lucky that after 20 years together my wife is still kind of flattered by how possessive I can be. Even now Diane recalls as "funny and cute" how, during our courtship, I used to show up "coincidentally" at restaurants where she was dining with friends. ("Funny and cute?" a friend of ours gasped when she later heard about my extreme wooing. "He was a stalker!")

When I recently fessed up to Diane about the algae researcher incident, she found it "hilariously touching." I guess that's because she appreciates the upside of jealousy in a marriage. And no matter how many times she has to deal with me waiting up for her like some '60s sitcom dad on the few nights she goes out with the girls, I can think of only one thing worse for our relationship.

And that would be if I stopped being so jealous.

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It's funny and oh so true. Sad to think I have this in common with the male species (or at least some of the male species). It's like you don't even look for things, then BOOM. They hit like a brick wall. I guess for people like me, little things that really mean nothing turn into meaning a whole lot more. It gnaws at you, or, at least it does me.

"Oh great. Here it comes again. Brace yourself. Hurt. There's something your not saying or doing right, or something or somebody you're not or never will be. Way to go. Well, what else did you expect, eh? It lasted longer then what you could have hoped for."

Even though the article brings a smile about jealousy, the feelings I feel do not.

Yeah, I hate this about me.

Ixnay on the Amadray

After the last few posts, you just gotta wonder what's gonna be next. Well great news! No more drama. So.... I, ummmmm, had a moment or two. Geesh already. You know what the Bible says, don't ya? "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone". Yeah, now that's what I'm talkin' about!

Now we will tune you into our regularly scheduled program "The REAL Blog"

Ahem. Glad that's all behind us now....... moving on.

One More Day

To everyone who's lost someone they love
Long before it was their time
You feel like the days you had were not enough
when you said goodbye
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This is the first verse in a song I recently heard from Third Day.
The chorus continues:

When your lonely
And it feels like the whole world is falling on you
You just reach out, you just cry out to Jesus
Cry to Jesus
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There are times in my life that I feel betrayed by Him. I know He loves me, and I love Him. Feeling betrayed doesn't change my belief in Him or my love for Him, but it also doesn't erase the emptiness and hurt.

He knew this:
She was my rock. She was my heart. She was my best friend. She's the only person in my life that I knew would love me, no matter what. She was always there for me when I needed her. She held me. She rocked me. She loved me until the hurt was gone, no matter how long it took. She was there through the worst times in my life.
It's now I wish she were here to see that I get that from him, I wish she were here with me for the happiest time in my life.

I'm getting married next month. To a wonderful man. To a man I know in my heart she would love. She would be so happy for me. I wish she were here for it. I wish she were here to fix my hair, to hug me and tell me how happy she is for me. I wish she were here to tell me how beautiful I am (she was partial like that). I can see her face now. I can see her smile thru tears of happiness, and all for her little girl. I just wish she were here. I miss her so much. I'm the happiest I've ever been but out of everything I have, if I had one wish?
it would be

One More Day.

Last night I had a crazy dream;
A wish was granted just for me,
It could be for anything.

I didn't ask for money
Or a mansion in Malibu.
I simply wished, for one more day with you.

One More Day.
One more time.
One more sunset, maybe I'd be satisfied.
But then again,
I know what it would do;
Leave me wishing still, for one more day with you.

One More Day.

First thing I'd do, is pray for time to crawl.
I'd unplug the telephone,
And keep the TV off.
I'd hold you every second,
Say a million I love you's.
That's what I'd do, with one more day with you.

One More Day.
One more time.
One more sunset, maybe I'd be satisfied.
But then again, I know what it would do;
Leave me wishing still, for one more day with you.

One More Day.
One more time.

One more sunset, maybe I'd be satisfied.

But then again, I know what it would do;
Leave me wishing still, for one more day with you

Leave me wishing still, for One More Day
Leave me wishing still, for One More Day
Leave me wishing still, for One More Day with you.

One More Day.

By: Diamond Rio
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I wish you were her mommy. I'm in love, I'm happy...what you've always wanted me to be. I wish I could feel your arms around me...that "mommy hug" you gave so well. Just once more.

I love you Mom.

Productivity Rocks!

Ok, I'm lonely....thus the reason why I'm a blogging fool the past couple of days.

Earlier I said that there was no way anything is getting done till I get a nap. Well I got a second wind and actually sitting down to take a break hoping that a third wind whirls my way. I got so much done today!!!! YAY for me!!! Got the entire ceiling painted in the bedroom, got the dining room table stained and varnished and currently I'm working on the walls. Oh yes...let's not forget the shopping trip. Joel will learn to go out of town....it's his fault I've spent so much money!!! Eh, had to try to lay the blame somewhere!

I'm yawning. This is NOT good. I wanted to at least have the bedroom done and was actually hoping for the dining room as well. I'm not going to be able to do much in the morning cuz I gotta be outta here by 1pm, possibly no later than 1:30pm. His flight lands at 3:55pm. Hmmm, let's calculate shall we? 15 hrs and 10 min!!! Woo Hoo...less than 24 hrs!!! Alrighty then, that's what I needed for that third wind.....

I'm outta here

Agenda

So after my "drama" last night I tried so hard to go to sleep and couldn't. I kept waking up to look at the time. Joel said he would call after he and his brothers got done shooting pool.

At one point I drifted off but then dreampt that the phone had rang. I remember holding it up to my ear (I fell asleep with it in my hand) and saying how glad I was that he called and asked if he had a good time. Nothing. It wasn't until I checked the caller ID that I realized he hadn't called at all. It was almost 6am and to be honest with you I was starting to worry...surprise, surprise. It's not like him to say that he would call and then doesn't.

So, I called. Left a message for him asking that he call me. His cell phone service out there was not good. I called once more as I started to drift off this time a bit more emotional about not hearing from him. He ended up calling at exactly 6am (which would be 4am SD time). We talked till around 8am (ahhh, just like the good old days) and he told me all about his day. I love listening to him talk, it's like music to my ears.

Tim picks Faith up around 3pm today and I had a plan. Notice I said "had". My plan was to finish up unpacking and making the place look as close to a home as I can, I had an agenda. Not that I won't work on it but I gotta tell ya it's not gonna be as soon as Faith leaves. I've got to get in a nap or I'll be useless. For me to nap during the day is rare, very rare. Gives the indication that I've been putting myself under a lot of stress, I say I've been putting myself under stress because there's no reason for me to be like this when he's only away for 3 days. Well...2 days, 19 hrs and 3 min. Whaaaat? The past few days it seems while I'm sleeping is the only time my stomach doesn't hurt.

I knew that I would miss him, but come on now....this is pathetic.

One more day.....actually 28hrs and 3 minutes.
No. I'm not counting down or anything....
Honest.

Why Do I Do This?

Sometimes I'm so ambivalent that I end up doing things I'm sorry for. Then my insides hurt so bad that I become emotional and the thoughts begin to roll.

I was going to write about how I'm feeling right now....but I can't even explain it.

Something is wrong with me. It's not normal to worry this much that it makes you sick inside. I don't even know why I'm crying.

It's ridiculous to be this way.

I've got to stop thinking.....it's time to go to bed.

The Hardest Goodbye

3 days. Doesn't seem like a long time, does it? Nope, not long at all.

Till I saw this in my rear-view mirror.

Pittsburgh National Airport. The last time I saw this was almost a year ago, on October 30, 2005. What I consider to be the first day of the rest of my life.

It was on a Saturday. I remember this because I worked that Saturday. I had traded off a day or two so I could move and get the new place ready for his arrival. I hardly slept a wink Friday night. I was a nervous wreck, but at the same time the excitement was overwhelming.

For those of you who don't know.....here's the story.

Joel and I met online. Not a dating service, but in a chat room. Believe me, neither of us were looking for a relationship. I was to the point of giving up any kind of hope for being in love and he's told me that he felt the same. So, we actually started chatting about the opposite sex (for him, women...for me, men). We laughed because even though we were belittling the opposite human anatomy, we were doing this as man to woman and woman to man. I don't know. I guess you had to be there to appreciate the humor.

We became close, fast. Talked about everything. Laugh. Oh God, how he made me laugh. And I think that's just one of his traits that I find the most attractive. No kidding, I would (and still do) be doing something and just all of a sudden something he said (or did) came to mind and I'd laugh aloud. Not just a smile, but actual laughter. Oh yes, his humor,personality and especially his heart were what nailed me...hook, line and sinker.

Chatting turned to phone conversations and ahh ....the phone conversations. I wish I could have recorded them and played them back to listen to years later. One night, this is no lie, we talked on the phone from about 10pm till about 6am. I didn't even sleep that night. I got off the phone with him, hopped in the shower and floated to work. He was on my mind constantly. The things he would share, his stories, the way he listened to me, the way he made me laugh. I have to smile thinking about those days, but little did I know at that time just how lucky I would soon become.

Things became serious. It got to the point that he's all I thought about and when I didn't hear from him I missed him, more than I had ever missed any man. I don't even recall how the idea of him moving here started. I believe I kept throwing it out to him in a teasing way and soon it became a decision that both of us made. Being together is what we wanted.

So after work at 4pm on October 30, 2005 I drove to Pittsburgh National Airport to pick up my future. It's funny because I can remember him saying that he was flying to West Virginia to "claim his prize". I still smile thinking about how when he said that, it melted me. I don't even remember the drive to Pittsburgh. It's a wonder I didn't get lost! Seriously. I remember nothing about the drive. I remember playing "our" music and being very excited. The nerves set in when I stood at the bottom of four sets of escalators not knowing which one he was going to come down. I glanced from one, to another, to the other, and to the last...over and over again. Watching legs slowly come down until I saw the face. He came down the escaltor which was the farthest. I knew it was him even from that distance. His tall stature and stride took my breathe away.

He walked right up to me, we spoke and he smiled. I swear I could have melted in my shoes at that moment! He embraced me and gave me a hug that sent chills. Literally. I swear I could not stop shaking. He still talks about that today, how I shook in his arms as we stood there in the airport. I tried to stop, I swear. Nobody has ever had that kind of effect on me. Ever!

That was the first day of my life.

Yesterday was the hardest goodbye I've ever had to say. Leaving that airport without him. Looking back in my rear-view mirror and knowing that there could be a possiblility that I may never see him again. I watched the shows on 9/11 and how those wives lost their husbands. How the last call from him will be a haunting memory in their mind forever. The tears they cry because they've lost him. Oh God, I can't even begin to imagine. Looking in the bedroom and not seeing him, not hearing him, smelling him or being able to touch him. Just the thought of it makes my heart ache.

The house is quiet tonight. I don't like it. God I miss him already. I miss hearing the little beeps that come from his Star Trek game (even though I moan about him playing it all the time). Watching him play with that sexy little patch of hair below his lower lip when he really concentrates on something. I miss hearing him call me baby. I miss his hug...he gives the best hugs. I miss being able to walk by him and touch him...rub his shoulder, scratch his back, touch his face.

3 days?
Yes. 3 days is a long time when your missing the one thing that you've waited for your entire life.

Have You Ever?

I'm typically not one to be able to share my feelings and it seems at times when I do, I usually become fumbled with words and it seems to come out all wrong. I often use music to express my mood, my emotions, my feelings. It's an easy way to let someone know how I feel without tripping over words. I wish it were easier for me to talk to the people I love, but I believe my past has made me grown to forget how to do that. Or, better yet...if it were like a blog. I sit and think and if I type something that has come out wrong, just backspace or delete and re-word it. Maybe that's why I tend to come here when I'm feeling so strongly about something.

So here I am.

I sat in the living room last night trying to think of a song to express love. Yes, there are many. But a song that expresses the kind of deep love where the least little thing seems to tear your world apart. All day yesterday I was upset with myself for letting one little thing hurt me so badly. I didn't know why it hurt so badly and actually at some point in my day I told myself..."Self"...yes, I actually say it like this..."You have got to be insane to allow something like this upset you this badly. Get over it. It's stupid and you expect too much. If you keep expecting like this, what you have will be taken away." Yeah. That didn't help. Now I had thoughts of loosing what I had. And as much as I fought myself yesterday I still struggled with wondering why this hurt so bad. I didn't know. I was angry that I was hurting and didn't understand why.

Have You Ever?

As I sat there on the couch hearing Elmo sing his Elmo song (I've learned to block it so it's heard and not listened to), this song came to mind. I did a search and found a link so hear the song and to read the words. You know express feelings with music.

http://www.minibite.com/romance/haveyouever.htm

Even though there are parts of the song that doesn't reflect my feelings, the chorus she sings expresses the love and how strong and deeply I feel.......well, love. I've never had this and I suppose this is the reason little things do what they do. Maybe this is why I also seem to "wait for the other shoe to drop". I never in my life imagined having this kind of love. I've never in my life felt this song before like I do now. I always wondered why someone would sing a song like this when today I can understand. Like I said, not every word in this song applies to me, but it's the passion and the emotion that I feel when I think about the love I have for him.

Baby I don't tell you enough how much you mean to me. I love you with everything I am. I may not be able to always express to you my feelings in a way that you will understand, but I do promise you that I will continue to try. Thank you for your love, your understanding, your patience, and for these feelings I wake up to every morning. Thank you for showing me how love is supposed to feel. I will treasure it always just as I will treasure you always.

With a love so strong, words cannot express.

You are my rock, my support, my refuge....you are my life.
Now and forever, you have my heart. Completely and in whole.

Silhouette

I love this photo. I love how the tree silhouettes against the sunset sky. Photography is amazing, isn't it? Captures the moment just as you remember it.

Our memory does the same. Even though we may not have a photo to hold in our hands to help us remember those special times in our lives, our memory serves us that purpose.

My loved ones are the silhouette against my sunset. It is them who silhouette my sky at the end of a long day. When I go home to them, it takes my day away. And as it should. When I come home I can feel the burden of the day slowly fade away. No matter how hard my day has been feeling that feeling of love and safety brings me to relax. Sometimes it doesn't come across that my home does that for me, but it does. For the first time, home is home. Home is the place I want to be.

And when home is special, as my home is to me, then even while away....the thought of home can relax and make you feel love.

What To Do?

Ever feel that there's nothing that you can do that will possibly be enough? Ever feel that hurt that your loved one is feeling would be easier if you could feel it instead? I mean just take it away so you don't see them in pain anymore. That's how I feel tonight.

Joel found out this afternoon that his Grandfather passed. I had to tell him. I have to say that's probably the hardest thing I've had to say to anyone, especially to the man I love. I just keep replaying it in my mind wishing I had done one thing or the other differently. Maybe it would have helped him deal with it better if I had. I tried to give him a "It's ok, I'm here" smile, but I'm not sure it came across the way I intended it. I know. Nothing can possibly make something like this better, I guess I just wish I could do something to take his pain. I've never felt that before. Just to see him hurting....I wish it were me. The passing of a loved one, whether your close to them or not, is very deeply felt. I know, I've been there. The passing of my Papaw and Mamaw hurt, but I didn't even know what was yet to come until I dealt with the passing of my Mother. I'm not even sure if I've really dealt with it yet today.

All I can do is be there for him. Be here to hold him, to listen to him, to support him. I only know this because it's what I wish I would have had when I lost Mom. I know I can't take his pain, God knows I wish I could. If I could, I would in a heartbeat. I would rather it be me hurting right now.

So what to do? Nothing. Just be here when he reaches out. When he needs a hug. When he needs to know he has someone.

You have someone baby. I will always be here for you. I know I can't make it go away, but I will be right there....in your heart....always.

I love you.

Those Eyes

You know that look and you’ve seen those eyes;
The discreetly blunt stare from a passer-by.

That look can sometimes bring tears to your eyes;
And other times anger, though it can make you wise.

That studying look with those questioning eyes;
That are filled with so much curiousity and surprise.

They want to ask questions and some of them do;
They cannot comprehend for it’s so very new.

So they stare in their quiet and questioning gaze;
As you hurt even deeper in your own private ways.

For your pain is so real and you hurt deep inside;
It’s a pain without question you don’t easily hide.

It’s a journey, a process and it seems to come slow;
It’s a struggle of emotions but the pain will soon go.

You will learn how to look at those questioning eyes;
Without all the hurt...without all the whys.

For it comes from within that you change in your ways;
And it comes with much time and with practice each day.

So give yourself time and the space that you need;
As time is the key and Faith is the seed.

There will come a day when you soon realize;
How to look up and smile at those questioning eyes.
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Being the mother of a special needs child sure has a lot of emotional struggles, as we seem to live in our child's world. For me, I have no other children so Faith's development for me is "normal". That is, until we go outside of "Faith's world" then I realize just how delayed she is. I watch children her age run and play and that hurts, but I think seeing reactions from others can hurt the most. What you read above was written by a mother of a special needs child....it's the look of strangers that sometimes wants us to remain in our child's world and not explore the "outside world". At least in "Faith's world" she doesn't get "Those Eyes".

Love's Miracle

Miracles occur naturally as expressions of love. The real miracle is the love that inspires them. In this sense everything that comes from love is a miracle.
- Marianne Williamson

Love like wine, bitter against my lips

Softly lean forward, gently give you a kiss

Tangled together in arms, and tasting of you

Taking and owning everything that you do.

Standing beside you in the soft of the due

Looking at me as I look right at you.

Our eyes meet gently in a familiar glance

I take your hand as we begin to dance.
And two bodies glide softly across a wooden floor

Feet in memory of places that were stepped before.

Hands laced squeezing gently; head against your neck

I breath softly and kiss you as you draw a deep breath.

You whisper my name and it touches the air like

A thousand fingers passing gently through the wind.

You squeeze me against you and I let you win.

Our eyes lock once more and once again.

I see you now in a different light before me

You are my one the only that will ever adore me.

Your words and your actions are never pretend

I have found my life partner as the music comes to an end.

Irony

You can't go back, only forward, yet back is what you seek
Everything is at your fingers except for what you wheep
The world offers you everything, except your soul to keep
You feel you don't have the chance for what you sew you reap.
You can't get out of the hole, because you can only dig straight down
Running isn't optional since your legs can't find the ground
Swimming is an eternity where water will never be
And in the end of this you'll find the sudden simple irony.
Mirrors on the wall reflect everything but you
Dreaming you find answers for all that is untrue
Simplisitc gestures lack all of their certain charm
And in the midst of valor you're the knight which they disarm

The Importance

(click to enlarge)

The importance of ones life is to know they are needed. To know that they belong. To love and to be loved. To conquer all fears and to feel victorious no matter what the outcome may be.

The importance of love is that there are no barriers, no stipulations, no boundries. To know that the love that one shows you has no consequences or that you will stand no judgements.

The importance of happiness comes when both life and love work together as one.

I live my life to love him....that is the importance in my life. Now and always.

He is my rock, my shelter, my protector, my refuge, my foundation and my defender.
___________________________________________________________________

I've heard many tales of one dying from a broken heart. I truly believe this. I believe that once you find the person you're meant to live and love, with and for, you can never live your life again without them beside you and your walk in life.

I've never had the feeling of complete emptiness and fear as I did tonight. Just the thought of awakening without him in my life left me feeling lost, it was inconceivable. I prayed. I prayed and at one point even felt betrayed. God must have shown this to him, because he asked me that whatever happens, to not be angry with God. His words burned and I felt myself become a bit shamed. He listens so well and I've forgotten how much I've shared. He remembered the anger that I shared with him I felt towards God during the trials with Faith and the loss of my mother. His request for me was immense, but as he looked at me with those beautiful and loving eyes, I couldn't respond. I couldn't make that promise. How could I? How do you not feel anger when God has control over what you have and what's taken away? And why is it fair to have something taken away that you've waited for your entire life? It's not.

I grinned at him thru tears and felt troubled that I couldn't make that promise....and I still do not know if that is a promise I could ever make.

It's 2:30am and as I write this, glancing over at the blanket to be sure I see the movement of his breathing, I bow my head to thank God. Thank You for not taking him. Thank You for answering my plea for help. Thank You for sending him to me. Thank You for his love, for Your love. And even tho there stands a promise that I may not be able to make, You understand. You love me. Your love cradles me.

The love for my Lord Jesus Christ stands, even thru my anger.

Thank You......for everything.

The past few weeks have been very difficult for me, more so than ever before. It's at times like this that I know that I have to depend on God to intervene and help me gain the strength to "wake up". There are times he brings others into our life to help us achieve this. A pastor, a special friend, or for me....the love of my life. Satan has really been working his manipulation with me the past few weeks and I've allowed him do so. I try so hard and try so hard to do it alone, to avoid being embarrassed or ashamed. But do you know what? He has never made me feel ashamed or embarrassed for my feelings. He always encourages me to share my feelings and my thoughts. As I sit here typing this, I glance over at him sleeping in the bed and I find my eyes fill with tears by the power of his love.

I've dealt with the past within myself for awhile now. I didn't talk or share with anyone. The pain and hurt I felt every day was bottled up and kept secret. I woke up wishing that I could just continue to sleep, you see it's only then that my mind would allow me to be content with myself. I didn't think about my past nor did I wonder how my future would be. Never did I imagine to be in the place that I am now.

The last 8 months have went by so quickly. Every day brings me another step in becoming content. The only word that sums up with the way I feel these days is....amazement. I honestly thought that I would die not feeling the power of that love again. After my mom passed is especially when my loneliness began. The unconditional and remarkable way she would love me... I honestly thought was something I would never experience again. I felt invisible. Even when people would look at me, it was like they were looking right through me. I was the one who needed to be strong...always. I couldn't dare let them see me cry, they would think I was weak.

It wasn't until he walked into my life that I realized....it was okay. It was okay to feel weak at times, it was okay to cry, and most importantly it was okay to allow others in. He opens me up to a world I thought I'd never regain. A world that I thought died with my mom. He loves me like I've never been loved before and the way he holds me and looks at me takes my breathe away...the last time I saw that love was in the eyes of my mom. Satan knows this and he knows the moment to plan his attack. For the past few weeks it's been my insecurity that he has used against me, like a silver sword. Stabbing at me, cutting me deep. And if he doesn't succeed with the first lash, he'll keep plunging the sword into me until he achieves his goal. The goal to destory happiness, to destroy life. But little does Satan know that God has sent him into my life and will not allow this to be destroyed. It was meant to be and it shall be.

For my love....thank you for everything you give me, for the way you make me feel safe and loved, uncondtionally. Thank you for your support. Thank you for holding me and telling me it's alright. Thank you for your touch and the way you look at me. Thank you for the way you hold me. Thank you for your patience and for your understanding. Thank you for listening with an open mind and an open heart. Thank you for not judging me. Thank you for making me happy. Most of all I want to thank you showing me something I thought I'd lost forever.....
the power of love.

When You Love Someone

When you love someone - you'll do anything
You'll do all the crazy things that you can't explain
You'll shoot the moon - put out the sun
When you love someone

You'll deny the truth - believe a lie
There'll be times that you'll believe you can really fly
But you're lonely nights - have just begun
When you love someone

When you love someone - you'll feel it deep inside
And nothin else can ever change your mind
When you want someone - when you need someone
When you love someone...

When you love someone - you'll sacrifice
You'd give it everything you got and you won't think twice
You'd risk it all - no matter what may come
When you love someone
You'll shoot the moon - put out the sun
When you love someone

______________________________________________________________________
Sometimes the words of a song say enough.
And the moment that you feel those words are being said back to you indicate the love you hold is a strong, true, long-lasting love. True Love.

He's my lover, my supporter, my confidant.....he is my best friend.

I love you too

How?

Insecure = (in·se·cure / adj.) Not sure or certain; doubtful: Inadequately guarded or protected; unsafe: Not firm or fixed; unsteady: Lacking stability; troubled: Lacking self-confidence; plagued by anxiety.


The definition of the word goes much deeper for me. It's the life I live, the life I've known. It's the way I feel from the time my feet hit the floor in the morning until the time my head hits the pillow at night. I hate this about myself. I look in the mirror and get sick. It's ugly. It hurts. It's uncontrollable.


I wonder how I will ever get past this when it's all I've known. The more I try, the worse it gets. No reason given to feel this way, he's wonderful and I see the love in his eyes. I'm scared. I'm scared that me feeling this way and this "monster" will take all my happiness away. It hurts so bad to feel this. I hate it.

The thoughts are in my mind without purposely thinking them. I compare myself to "them". I'm using "them" as a term for the young, skinny, "bombshell" type. You know the ones. The ones that look down their nose at you like you don't exist and wonder how it is that someone like you have what you have. They belittle you. They make you feel unimportant and invisible. And men feed them. They feel eyes on them; they know that with them around you barely exist. I watch men and I watch what type catches their attention. These women aren't to be trusted. They flirt and flaunt themselves right in front of you as if you don't even matter.


How?

How do you change your way of thinking when you've thought this way for so long? And how do you feel good about yourself when you know that your not that young skinny thing? I feel bad enough about myself that I don't need it thrown in my face every time I turn around. I would do anything to be her. I don't need attention, but for his co-workers/friends/family to say "WOW, man your fiance is pretty". That's not asking much, is it? It hurts.

Every day....thrown in my face as I drive away. Pretty. I'll look up Websters definition for that....I'm curious.

Result

pretty = adj. pret·ti·er, pret·ti·est
Pleasing or attractive in a graceful or delicate way: Clever; adroit: Very bad; terrible: in a pretty predicament; a situation that has reached a pretty pass. Ostensibly (Represented or appearing as such) or superficially (shallow) attractive but lacking substance or conviction:
Informal. Considerable in size or extent: a pretty fortune.

Hmmm.....guess being a "pretty" girl really isn't all that.

Superficial/Shallow? I'm not surprised.

Someone that doesn't look you in the eye cannot be trusted.
That should be written in a book somewhere, don't you think?

Oh well...they say venting is healthy.

The Monster I Carry

It's me who is my enemy
Me who beats me up
Me who makes the monsters
Me who strips my confidence.
~Paula Cole, "Me,"

The monster I carry is like the shadow that never fades.

My Tribute to Veterans

Photos retrieved from www.magnumphotos.com

Photo

I’m finding myself becoming more intrigued with photography here lately.

Last week Joe, a friend from work, wanted to come to the old house and look at some items that I intend to sell. After dropping Faith off at school I went over to the house. Going there kind of gets me feeling bad, so I headed upstairs to wait. I looked around rummaging through stuff to see what could be sold and what should be kept. I stumbled across a box of pictures. I sat down with my coffee and began to look through them, smiling at some and then feeling my eyes fill up with tears when I looked at others. I never realized how a photograph captures a moment, how a picture brings back such memories…some happy, some sad, some embarrassing, some that may upset you or make you angry. It’s funny how a piece of paper can the power to affect you emotionally. It was then, as I sat there looking through pictures of my past, that I actually took the time to think about what my eyes were seeing. Remembering the times and how much life changes and the life captured in a photo.

I’ve also been visiting an awesome blog on MSN of a lovely lady, Julieann, who is a photographer and her story has captured my heart. I don’t know her personally but the first entry I read on her blog was the one she wrote of her feelings on Mothers Day. Wow. It was like me reading my own thoughts, from that point on I was hooked. Now that I’ve read more about her I find that her story is much more of that than a photographer. Please if you have the opportunity take a look at her site, I truly recommend it. Her story makes you see the beauty of life, at least for me it does. Her link is http://spaces.msn.com/janordstrom/ , when you get a chance stop by and visit her. It will be worth your time.

And in closing.....the next time you pick up your camera to snap a photo….stop….breathe in…..take a second to capture that moment in your mind and heart for it may be years down the road that you will be able to pick up that photo, look at it and feel the same exact way you did the very moment you snapped the picture.

A memory, a feeling, a thought…..all on a piece of paper.

Family, Friends, Love

I don't believe an accident of birth makes people sisters or brothers. It makes them siblings, gives them mutuality of parentage. Sisterhood and brotherhood is a condition people have to work at.
~Maya Angelou

A mother is the truest friend we have, when trials heavy and sudden, fall upon us; when adversity takes the place of prosperity; when friends who rejoice with us in our sunshine desert us; when trouble thickens around us, still will she cling to us, and endeavor by her kind precepts and counsels to dissipate the clouds of darkness, and cause peace to return to our hearts. ~Washington Irving

The words that a father speaks to his children in the privacy of home are not heard by the world, but, as in whispering-galleries, they are clearly heard at the end and by posterity.
~Jean Paul Richter

We are not enemies, but friends. We must not be enemies. Though passion may have strained, it must not break our bonds of affection. The mystic cords of memory will swell when again touched as surely they will be by the better angels of our nature.
~Abraham Lincoln


......just thinking out loud

The Fight for Field Day

Do you remember the Field Day trips in school? The excitement you felt when you felt when on the ride to school you knew that the day was going to be so much fun and the excitement you felt was overwhelming?

My ex-husband tells me the other night that Faith won't have school next Thursday. I was a little confused as to why since I didn't get anything from the school or there wasn't anything special on the school calander. He told me that she didn't have school because the first grade was having their field trip that day. I was even more confused. So the next morning when I dropped Faith off to the aide I asked her why there was no school for Faith that Thursday. She said "Oh no, Faith can come to school but the first grade is going to Norwood Park for Field Day so she won't be going to out classes." I asked her why it was that Faith wasn't included in with the festivities. She informed me that in order for Faith to go to Field Day with the rest of the class they would have to get a handicap bus. I gazed at her through a haze. Surely she wasn't saying what I thought she was saying. I could feel my heart begin to beat faster as I started to question her comment. Sure enough, she was saying what I thought she was saying. Faith wasn't included in with the rest of the class because the Board of Education didn't approve a handicap bus. I became very angry. The aide agreed how wrong it was for them to pick when it was appropriate for Faith to be intigrated in with the "normal" class. Their take was that Faith should be around the "normal" children as much as she can so she will be accepted and viewed as a classmate rather than be labeled. I can appreciate that and I agree. However there have been more occasions that I feel the only reason they voice that opinion is so the county can avoid the cost of providing a one-on-one aide. It's useless to fight, they win. I've taken letters upon letters from Faith's doctors to these meetings where they document Faith would advance and do better with aide assistance where someone will be available to work hand over hand with her at all times, but yet they feel it's their opinion that matters. They know better than the physicians that have followed Faith since birth. I've pretty much come to the conclusion that it's going to take finding a lawyer to handle a case like this or moving to another county. Sad that you have to take such measures to see that your child gets the education she deserves.

Ok, back to the Field Trip story. So I'm pissed. I mean REALLY pissed. After leaving the school I'm so upset I'm shaking. I call the ex and ask him why he would just let this go? "WHY would you think it's ok to allow them to discriminate our daughter???" I asked. His response was that he didn't feel that Faith would enjoy it much anyway. What??? Did he not realize that anytime Faith is around other children she is in her own little heaven. She loves it. It's sometimes sad to watch her watch other children. She is too young to realize what she's missing. Not being able to run and play as they do but yet she laughs and giggles at them as they whiz by her laughing and yelling at one another as she sits in her wheelchair. I find it hard to be sad on the outside tho. Her laughter makes me smile. She amazes me. She's so happy. She's happy to just watch them play. It's times like this that I sit down and think about it that I get sad. I wonder if she'll ever be able to play as they do. I wonder if she will always be content to watch. Will she get to an age where she becomes angry? I can only pray that she keeps her innocent and amazing outlook on the world around her.

Sorry...I did it again. To make a long story (of which still makes my blood pressure rise when I think about it) short. I spoke with the principal and told him that it's in everyones best interest that he look into getting my little girl a bus so she can join her class at that Field Day. Two days of building up....ready to fight....ready to be on the steps of the BOE at 8am....ready to do whatever it took to see that my little girl gets to participate with the "normal" children. I contacted the school yesterday on my break from work and the teacher told me that the bus was approved. I was so happy!! Very shocked tho. This is the first time that I've fought and Faith came out the winner. It was very rewarding and I know that even though Faith doesn't realize all the complications we go through to stand up for her rights that I can truly enjoy her laughter when she watches those kids play at the park......I often find myself looking at the world through Faith's eyes.

Mothers Day - May 14

Let's see.....8 yrs ago this coming May 13 I found out I was pregnant. The next day (Mothers Day) we told our parents. Our wedding was August 22 and at this point our thoughts were "if it happens, so be it...if it doesn't, so be it". Well I guess you can call me Fertile Myrtle. We took a pregnancy test and when it came out positive....well let's just say at 11pm we were driving to Wal-Mart to get another just to confirm. Sure enough the second one said the same thing. I don't know how I felt at that moment. I hadn't made preperations to be a mother, didn't actually even think of myself as a mother at that moment I was in shock, mostly. I was scared. Confused. Unsure that this was right. Was I happy? No, not at this point...not yet.

Anyways, when we went to Wal-Mart to pick up the second pregnancy test we decided to do this a little differently and break this to our parents in a "creative, a sorta gentle" way. I mean we were planning a wedding for God's sake, so I suppose I wasn't sure if they would accept the fact that we couldn't wait 3 months before "sticking a bun in the oven". I was a bit nervous of the reaction we would get...I had to think of a way to break it to them without having to come out and say...."I'm pregnant". Without words would be the easiest way.We picked up a set of bibs for my parents and a little box of baby rattles for his parents. Got Mother's Day cards and hoped for the best.

Gosh writing this brings back such strong memories of that day....I can still see my mom's face as she opened the gift. I sat at the kitchen table, she across from me, Dad and Tim standing side by side in the kitchen. At the time we had a dog whom we took EVERYWHERE...he was our baby. Well, we told them that they had to open the gifts together because it wouldn't mean the same if they didn't. They looked at us like we were crazy, but my parents knew how I was. Upon opening the bibs....my mom had this weird look on her face and her comment was "Oh look....bibs from Max". (Max, of course, being the dog). I just smiled and shook my head, I hadn't even thought that she would think that. My eyes widened as she looked at me and said....."They ARE from Max, aren't they??". My dad just stood there dumbfounded, not saying a word. I just smiled and shook my head no. Oh God, that's all it took!!!! My mom was up outta that chair in no time..... hollerin and yellin like she had just hit the lottery. She was sooooo happy.

That was my last "happy" Mother's Day.

The next two Mother Days were celebrated out of the hospital watching my little girl go through surgeries. The third was celebrated without my mom.

I don't celebrate Mother's Day anymore.....to me, it's just another day.

Saturday Stuff

Ok, first of all you know your weekend is gonna suck when you have to work Saturday. Now I've worked Sundays before and they are awesome. Ya know, it's "God's day" so hardly anyone calls about their bills. This is a good thing. Saturdays tho....Oh my....everyone and their brother must do bills on Saturday. Since 8am there hasn't been a breather any longer than maybe 2 minutes. Hello??? Saturdays are for picnicing, taking a walk, sleeping in, cleaning house....NOT calling the electric company! I mean if we gotta work at least take it easy on us. The only good thing about working Saturday is that I can listen to the entire Top 40 (yeah, well what do you expect, eh??). And even that isn't working well because my stupid STUPID reception isn't worth a crap. Grrrr. Never working Saturday again.....well after 5/20 (I've already traded). The up side to Saturday employment is the trade gives me 4 days off in a row. I keep thinking of the 4 days to try and compensate the way I feel about working today.....I'm still undecided if it's worth it. Hmmmm ....yeah I suppose it is. Saturdays suck, but Mondays suck worse. See I just realized a lot of the non-payers (this would be defined as those of who recieve electric service and decide after no payment of, let's say....6 months....that's it's totally unfair that they have recieved a termination notice. Go figure) don't realize that the office is open on the weekend. Simply because they never look at their bill....they haven't paid in 6 months why would they need to. Mondays? The entire non-paying society calls in.

Eh....working Saturdays ain't so bad.

6 Months

Ya know that saying? Time flys when you're having fun....well all I can say is that for once in my life my fun has lasted 6 months! Yup. No big deal to most but this marks 1/2 year for many more to come. 6 months ago he stepped off the plane and into my life.

I sit here and think back and I would be bluffing if I didn't admit that my heart races with excitement, just the same as it did that day. Thinking about finally being able to touch him, to kiss him, to hold him. It was amazing, and still is. I have to say that October 30, 2005 was one of the most memorable days of my life (aside from the birth of my daughter, of course). Actually before October 30, 2005 I find it hard to recall my life. Maybe it's the fact that I've blocked that part of my life out and finally bringing myself to concentrate on the happiness I'm experiencing now.

When I see someone who is unhappy in their relationship I feel so much sorrow for them. I was there. I know how it feels to be with someone who makes you feel bad, someone who talks to you disrespectfully, someone whose happiness is based on making you cry. I truly believe that if my life hadn't changed I was headed for deep depression, possibly worse. It scares me to think what could have happened. So is he my Superman? My hero? You bet. He saved me from what could have happened, from what frightens me to even think what may have happened. The sad thing is that nobody around me saw it. I mean there were moments I had (most of which were at work...bad timing) where co-workers/supervisors saw my tears. Sometimes it built up to a point where I couldn't hold it in anymore. And to do it at work meant that he wouldn't have the pleasure of seeing me cry. I really think he liked the fact that he had that affect on me. Now that I'm in the situation I'm in and I think back at the times he made me feel worthless......it makes me angry. I hate that I allowed him to have that control over me. I should have been stronger.

I guess "should have been" is just that and where I should leave it....the past. If I could just take back the wasted time....like "our" song says. Actually there's not a song more suitable than this one so I'll post it. Reading the words sends chills and it's good to know that he's made every word of this song sing true. My broken road couldn't have been more blessed then the moment he stepped into my life.
___________________________________________________________________
Bless the Broken Road
Rascal Flatts

I set out on a narrow way many years ago
Hoping I would find True Love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you

Chorus:
Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

I think about the years I spent just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there you understand
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true

Chorus:
Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

Now I’m just rollin’ home into my lover's arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road that led me straight to you
___________________________________________________________________

Here's to the happiest 6 months of my life and many more to come. I thank God every day for the gift he granted me, You. Thank you for giving to me what comes most natural for you....True Love. I'll treasure it every day I open my eyes.

Happy 6 month Annivesary sweetheart. I love you Joel Bailey.

Something a friend passed to me

Alright....it's official. I'm a "blogging fool". Anyways my Blah day must have shown thru to a close friend because after she stopped up and talked with me for awhile she forwarded this to me via email. She said that she thought I needed the blessing.......she couldn't have been more right.

For I have given rest to the weary and joy to the sorrowing.
(Jeremiah 31:25)

I still remember the first time our son Nicholas said the word “shoe.” While that may not be a big deal for most parents, for me it was one of the most joyful moments of my entire life!

For months upon end we had gone through the same ritual every day: I showed him the shoe and said the word over and over and then said, “This is a sh…” I always paused hopefully, and yet many days I felt the tears well up as I finished the sentence myself. I felt lonely, confused, and unheard by God. “Please,” I would plead with God, “Just let him say one word!” And yet, nothing. Day after day, nothing. The well of disappointment in my heart became deeper and deeper.

Then came that miraculous day when, true to the ritual, I said “This is a sh…” and heard our son, diagnosed with nonverbal autism, say, “shoe.” Everything within me jumped! I laughed, I wept, I shouted, I hugged him, I thanked God over and over. I told everyone. The joy I felt that day was intense. It was easily as intense as all the pain I had felt each day that he had not responded. Whether or not their child has spoken that first word, almost every parent of a child with autism can relate. There has been some breakthrough somewhere that they have struggled to see. And when it finally comes, the joy cannot be described.

And yet, even though there can be moments of intense joy and victory, most parents of a child with autism, or any number of special needs, understandably don’t experience an ongoing lifestyle of joy and victory. More often than not there is grief and sorrow. So here’s the big question: Can we live a lifestyle of joy and victory even if we have a child with special needs? I believe the answer to that question is yes.

Sorrow and Joy
Sorrow and joy are firmly linked. Perhaps it is because the deeper we experience sorrow, the more capacity we have for joy. That is why I felt such a deep sense of joy the first time Nicholas said, “shoe.” I had felt such deep sorrow each time he did not. I suppose it is similar to hunger. The hungrier we are, the more satisfying a good meal is to us. God knows this. Although right now we may only see the sorrow and tears of the night, God has planned a bright and beautiful morning full of joy.
The Bible tells us this over and over:
Weeping may go on all night, but joy comes with the morning. (Psalms 30:5)
You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing. You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy.... (Psalms 30:11)
Those who plant in tears will harvest with shouts of joy. They weep as they go to plant their seed, but they sing as they return with the harvest. (Psalms 126:5-6)
I will turn their mourning into joy. I will comfort them and exchange their sorrow for rejoicing. (Jeremiah 31:13)
Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy. (John 16: 22)

There are seasons in our life when we will mourn and have sorrow. But, there are also seasons of our life that are meant for joy.

A New Wind of Strength
One reason God may have for bringing joy after a season of sorrow is to bring a new wind of strength to our spirits. Grief and mourning rob us of our strength, both spiritually and physically. There is a weakness that comes from such an emotional and spiritual load. But God knows that joy brings a new vitality and strength, for the joy of the LORD is your strength. (Nehemiah 8:10) Joy produces the kind of strength we need to move forward.
It is often very easy for us to believe that we cannot experience joy until we see this or that breakthrough. We can actually come to the place where we feel disqualified from a life of joy because of the burden we bear. But quite honestly, that is a lie from satan, who is the father of all lies. Satan knows that if he can keep us from experiencing the joy of the Lord, he will keep us in a place of weakness and defeat. Satan has a stake in keeping us separated from the joy of the Lord because it is linked with our strength. If we are sapped of strength, we will have difficulty in moving forward out of the hassles, anxieties, and warfare we are in. Furthermore, we will not have the ability to receive the strategy we need to move into our next season.

We absolutely need the joy of the Lord in order to remain in a place of strength for all that is required of us. God has promised us abundant life, part of which is joy.
Here are some ways to help us maintain a joyful, abundant life:
1) Meditation
One of the ways God has provided for our joy is contingent upon our willingness to take time to meditate on His Word. Why? Because if we just read God’s Word without taking the time to give it thought, we deny ourselves the opportunity to receive personal revelation, refreshment, and the promises He has for us and our children.
2) Prayer
Prayer is very simply communicating with God. We will never advance in any aspect of our Christian lives without prayer, whether they are prayers of thanksgiving, repentance, supplication, or intercession on someone else’s behalf. When we pray, the channels to God open--both ways. To neglect prayer is to neglect God Himself.
3) Fasting For the Christian
Fasting is essential. Often you cannot gain the revelation you need for your next step without it. Even Jesus agreed that some things simply could not be accomplished without fasting. By fasting, we make it possible for the Lord to more powerfully reveal Himself to us. Fasting does not always have to mean food. It may mean other things we enjoy, such as television. When we choose to give up something temporal in order to pursue something eternal (and to the degree to which we allow ourselves to hunger after God) it is to that degree that we will be satisfied by Him and experience His joy.
4) Giving Giving is the very heart of God
It is linked with worship. We cannot come in to all He has for us in our lives if we are unwilling to give, because we simply cannot reap what we will not sow.
5) Warfare
Whether we like it or not, we are in a war between the powers of darkness and the power of light. There are times when we must enter into warfare-style praying in order to gain the strategy we need to defeat the enemy in whatever battles we face.
6) Worship
Worship is that place where we can come into intimacy with God. Songs and singing may be a catalyst for this, as can prayer or any of the disciplines mentioned. Worship is a lifestyle of focusing our minds and hearts on God and all that He is. It is a response to all He has done for us, and is essential to living in joy.
7) Work
There is a time to work. Many times we can speak to the mountain and see it removed, and other times we have to dig through it to get to the other side. That is what I call spiritual work. Most parents of children with autism that I have met understand this and are great at working for their child’s recovery.
8) Rest
Rest is so essential to regaining strength. In that way, it is linked with joy. We need rest for several reasons. First it is a matter of obedience to God. He commanded us to do so in the 10 Commandments through the observance of the Sabbath. Second, rest is an issue of trust in God. If we are at rest, God is going to have to “watch the stuff” for us as we regain our strength. Third, it is a matter of our physical well-being. Fourth, God created rest for us to stop and meditate on Him. Fifth, it is from this time of quietness that we can receive revelation and strategy for moving forward toward victory.

It is our prayer for you that you will allow the Lord to bless you with abundant life, great joy, and a fresh wind of strength that will carry you and your family through to victorious days ahead!

(Note: This is an excerpt from a message which aired April 2, 2006 on Autism One Radio.)
By Jack and Rebecca Sytsema
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Reading this makes me wonder when God will allow my "shoe" to drop....but yet somehow gives me reason to keep the "Faith".

Blah

Today is a Blah day. Ever had one of those days where you just don't even give a crap if you even speak a word? Today is one of those days. No reason. Just a Blah day. Being here at work makes it worse because that's all I do is talk to people. Now it would be different if it were somewhat of a pleasant conversation. No. Not here. The only time I somewhat enjoy Blah days here at work is when I'm sitting here at my desk and it's like being in my own world. I hear the people around me, but as they hustle and bustle I sit here unnoticed. It would be good to have just one Blah day where you just "Blah".....where I can go all day without being noticed. Just to think about things.

Going home will help. I have my two Reasons, ya know. Yeah. Going home will be a good way to end my Blah day.

My Reasons

When I have bad days......these are my reasons to smile.

My two "True Loves".

I just don't get it.....

There are a lot of things in life that I don't understand. More importantly a lot of things that I don't even try to figure out. One thing I can't understand is how people can be so mean and inconsiderate. I mean I know (and so I've been reminded by my "rock") that I should always consider the source. I do. But I also wonder how someone can be so hateful.....I've lived my life feeling that way before and I can't even begin to tell you how much more stressful I found it to be.
When something good happens to someone, I am genuinely happy for them. I love to see people happy and if there's ever a time that I can aide in someone's happiness.....I would accommodate any way I could.
I'm coming to learn that the road I walk is the one I walk with the ones I love, the ones I trust and the ones that I feel would give anything they could do help me the same as I would them. My one and only and my little girl. The two most important and meaningful people in my life. I will be there for them always.....and it feels good to know that they will do the same for me.

Something to think about....

I asked God to take away my pride, God said no.
He said, pride is not something He takes away, but rather I have to put down.

I asked God to cure my crippled child, God said no.
He said, her soul is whole, though her body is only temporary.

I asked God to grant me patience, God said no.
He said, patience stems from suffering; it is not granted, but rather shapened.

I asked God for happiness, God said no.
He said, He grants me blessings, but whether or not it brings happiness is up to me.

I asked God to remove my suffering, God said no.
He said, suffering distances me from the worldly concerns, and brings me closer to Him.

I asked God to develop me spiritually, God said no.
He said, I must make the effort myself, but He'll prune me, so I can bear good fruits.

I asked God, does He love me? God said, Yes.
He granted His one and only begotten Son to die for me.

One day, I shall reside in the Kingdom of Heaven... I believe.

I asked God to help me love others as He loves me.
God said, "Ah, you finally understand."

Storms

Spring has to be my favorite season of the year. I like the "distant" storms....ya know the lightning that lights the entire sky and that faint sound of thunder. I think it's romantic to be held by him, my safe place.

The other night a storm awoke me from a dead sleep...now I'm not talking the "distant" storms that I admire so...I'm talking about the loud thunder crash and bright streak lightning kind of storm. Now those I DO NOT like. Especially to be awoke from your sleep. Anyways...a loud crash of thunder had me sitting up in my bed in no time. I looked over and he wasn't there beside me, needless to say it took me no time to get to my feet. Funny thing tho....I got to the bedroom door and just stood there, froze in my track and scared shitless. The house was dark and all I could do was cover my mouth with my hands and wish for my knight in shining armor. In seconds I heard him coming up the stairs, he wrapped his arms around me and kept reassuring me "It's ok baby". I just couldn't believe how safe I felt. It absolutly amazes me sometimes how I experience comfort and peace. All those years of worry, stress and unhappiness seem to disappear from my past when he holds me....it's like I've never hurt before. It's starting to become that I find it hard to remember the hurt of my past....this is the first time I've been able to say that. Perhaps I'll never forget.... but I guess what I mean is that it doesn't consume my thoughts...my heart...like it did before. I can remember being the one who wondered how people can be this happy....now instead of me being on the outside looking in, I'm on the inside looking out. Now I know what all the hype was about.....I love it here.

The loud scary storms that once ruled my world and at a moment when I had nobody to hold me......they have turned into the distant storms in which I can just close my eyes, sigh and smile.

A New Day

I'm awake and everyone else in the house is still sleeping. I'm starting today new and leaving all the drama from yesterday put away. I have no clue what my problem was yesterday. How embarrassing my actions are sometimes.

Anyways.....

Faith has pictures today. I'm excited to see how they turn out. I just hope we get someone who is willing to work with us. It's like finding someone do cut your hair just the way you like it, ya know? Ya just can't stand up there by the camera and say "Smile"....shoot, she'll look at ya like....no, wait....she won't even look at ya. LOL. My daughter. She does do a fine job of ignoring. Have no clue where she gets THAT from .

Drama Queen

Have you ever had one of those days where it felt like nothing you did turned out right?? One of those days where you could feel tears in your eyes no matter how hard you struggled to smile? Tears that came rolling down your face if you just thought....about anything? That was my day today. My role as a Drama Queen (which, by the way, I play very poorly). That's what I call it anyway. I mean what's up with someone that cries at the drop of a hat? I hate days like today and I'm actually glad it's almost over.

Countdown.

Life Struggles

Sometimes you wonder what's harder than getting thru your every day struggles. For me it's watching the people I love struggle. I've watched the people I love the most struggle through the toughest times and I would rather feel the hurt and go through the struggle then to watch the people I love go through that pain and not be able to do a thing about it.

I've watched Faith go through some major struggles and to think that for her, it's just the beginning. In her short 7 years of life she's been through much more than anyone I know. She's so strong. Sometimes I wonder what goes through her little mind when she's facing those every day struggles. It has to be hard for her, especially for her to face these struggles without a voice. No means to express her hurt, her pain, her anger, her confusion.....in words. It hurts to see your child go through this and leaves you asking why. I've really been trying not to question this, but when situations arise and you're left asking questions.....the major one I find myself asking is "Why?". I've been angry. So angry. And when others have the say over what's best for your child and your left sitting with no voice......well it makes me realize what my little girl goes through every day of her life.


Then there's my mother....my best friend. God I miss her. I remember the things that wonderful woman faced in her life. It hurts to remember things like this, but for some reason it keeps me closer to her. Sometimes I think I'm forgetting her. I think I've forgetten what her voice sounded like. I remember her smile. I remember her laugh. Strange that I can remember those but wonder if I've forgotten the sound of her voice. I remember her hug. Her arms were my safe place....yes, till the day she passed. And even to this day when I wonder what else can go wrong and feel that the world is crashing down around me, she's my safe place. I run to her. Even tho she's not here, I feel her. I'm scared I'll forget her. I'll never forgive myself if that happens. I always think "What would mom do?" I could only hope to be half the woman she was. And even tho she's not here, she still seems to be watching out for me. She sent him to me. I'm convinced of this. Thank you mommy......he's what I've always wanted. A mommy gotta have her baby's back......you do, you always have.

Speaking of him. He's another that has faced issues in his past of hurt and pain that I wish I could just reach in and pull out of his heart....out of his mind. Now I realize that with Faith....her issues are out of my hands. I've put her issues in the hands of God, the only one that can intervene. My mother? Well most of her hurt occured before me so that was also out of my hands. Him? Well let's just say I'm here to be sure that he doesn't hurt anymore and that the pain of the past is something that is a healing work in progress. I can only hope to help him thru the struggles and pain that he's helped me through. He is my healing process. I'm convinced that God had our rocky paths come to that crossroad for a reason. It was at that crossroad that my life began a new turn. A path that I no longer felt lost and alone. Not so rocky and a ride that I'm finally able to sit back and feel the wind thru my hair.

So next time you feel that you're struggling thru the day.....take a moment to think of your loved ones. I'm sure that your day won't feel so hard.

" Roads are filled with gravel, little stones that may trip or bruise you...just like in life. There are setbacks that will trip you, you'll fall but then you'll stand up....for abrasions will heal. Setbacks are part of life; it comes as a package. Grit your teeth and continue walking."

" Advice from someone who understands: When in doubt, close your eyes and just remember that God does everything for a reason. And as hard as that seems to believe, he does. With the faith you have in him, nothing can stop you; you will make it because of the faith you carry with you."

Nothing

Well, ya know.....when ya ain't got nothin specific to talk about then what else do ya call your "title". Hey work with me here, I'm just bein honest.

I keep thinking today is Sunday. This 3 day weekend hasn't sunk in my brain yet. Not only 3 days this weekend but I also took Monday off (just in case of emergency), I haven't decided yet if I'm actually going to take it off or not. I really need to get some things done that I didn't have time to do on Friday. Time seems to go by so quickly.....hey, isn't that in a song or somethin??? Hmmmm, now I know why they sing about it. Damn.

Other than just laundry and an occasional picking up around the house, lovin on the little one and the stud....there just ain't much else I been doin. Went grocery shopping....yeah....we all know how fun and joyful that is. NOT. Getting ready to take my happy butt downstairs and start dinner. I'm gettin old. I mean I can remember days when sleeping till noon and partying till 4am were the highlights of my day. Now it's putting in a load of dirty underwear and buying green beans. Yup. Middle age has officially hit home. Eh, it's not all that bad. Actually I have to say that this is probably the happiest my life has been. The only thing missing.....my mom. Of course she's here in spirit, but sometimes it sure would be nice to see that smile of hers.

Days like this is when I miss her the most, some more than others. Whomever said that loosing someone gets easier in time had no clue what they were talking about. Anyways....

So tell me who's not talented....I sit here folding laundry while blogging.
Shoot, who got it goin on??? Yup, it'd be me. (hey I gotta be confident occasionally, cut me some slack).

Good vs Evil

Ok, so God knows I'm NOT as Christian as I want to be, but isn't it funny how when things are at the worst we expect God to take over. Very rarely do we ever take the time to stop and thank him when things are going great for us......selfishness. We "expect". It's not until things are bad or depressing that we think "Man, I should have been more thankful when things were going great". Well I'm the same, sad to say. Ya think I'd learn a lesson for everything that's happened in my life. I know God knows I'm thankful, sure....but I just don't give him enough credit where credit is due. Times like this.....I wish I would have. I was looking on the net and found this article.....the title of the blog is what it's about. I hope you enjoy the reading as much as I did. Be thankful.....even when things aren't so "great".
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"Why does God allow Satan to attack us?"

It is true that God allows Satan a certain amount of freedom (see Job 1:12), but it should be understood that it is Satan's choice to attack God's children (see 1 Peter 5:8). It was never in God's original design for humanity, i.e. Adam and Eve, to suffer attacks from Satan. But, when Adam disobeyed God, humanity was subject to the consequences of sin, one of those consequences being that humanity was open to attacks from Satan.

In a real sense, it is humanity's fault for opening the door to Satanic attack, not God's. Therefore, we cannot blame God that we are vulnerable to Satanic attack. In fact, when Job was attacked by Satan through the loss of his family, wealth, and health, he didn't blame God. Notice Job 1:21-22, "And he (Job) said: Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked shall I return there. The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord. In all this Job did not sin nor charge God with wrong."

As believers experience the attacks of Satan, they can take to heart the truth of Romans 8:28, "We know that all things work together for good to those who love God..." Therefore, the assumption is that we will experience "good" things and "bad" things, but "all" of these things can be made to be "good" as God works it out. So, even the attacks of Satan can be considered "good" as God uses them in our lives to conform us to Christ, His Son. (See Romans 8:29) Attacks from Satan, along with all other tribulation can actually cause believers to love God more, resist Satan more, practice patience, resist temptation, and grow stronger in our faith in many other ways.

I pray that you will praise God for His abundant protection from Satan most of the time, as well as be thankful for God's plan to make the occasional attacks of Satan "work together for good" for you!

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If your interested in more reading like this, the link is http://www.gotquestions.org/
Trust me, when things seem to be going downhill....reading about God makes you feel things will get better.

Sunday Afternoon

Oh yes, Sunday afternoons are always the best. The only day of the week where if you do absoulutly nothing.....you don't feel guilty.

Got up around 11 or noonish (the time change had me a lil confused thru the crust in my eyes), had a bad dream so my wonderful man held me and took all that bad stuff away the moment I felt his arms around me. I then rolled outta bed to stumble down to put on some coffee. Now what do you think makes a pot just crack up the side for no reason? I dunno, anyways I felt myself kind of going into a bit of a panic thinking "Oh God...no caffeine??" Thankfully there was a "back-up unit" and even tho there were no filters the good ol paper towel worked just fine (well, as I believe since I haven't been back down to see the results...but hey a few sips in my mouth even if I do get a lil coffee grinds...it's all good). I then headed back upstairs to continue the cuddle session.

Plan is a "Sunday Date". We like to do this date thing every once in awhile. Ya know keeps things new and exciting. Besides I enjoy his company so much the more I get to spend alone with him...the better. We are planning on stopping and picking up some grub and heading down to the falls (Valley Falls) and just chillin there for a couple of hours and enjoying one anothers company. This past week has proven to be a bit of a trial for both of us and I think this will be a good way to put all that behind us and start the new week like this.....going to the falls will kinda wash all the yuck away. Hmmm, I just thought of it that way. Nice.

Ok I'm off to tidy myself up and start the date with my wonderful man.
I love Sunday afternoons.