From Caterpillar to Butterfly

The word "Retard"

2008-06-01T09:24:00.002-04:00

Posted by a fellow parent of a special needs child on Faith's MySpace
____________________________________________________________

Below is a copy of the transcript of the speech given by Soeren
Palumbo regarding the use of the word retard. I found it at
http://www.ncpad.org/yourwrites/fact_sheet.php?sheet=514

'Retard' Speech Made by High School Senior
(Though our Community Voice column typically involves anecdotes about the effectiveness of exercise or physical activity for people with disabilities, this month we decided to feature an essay by Soeren Palumbo which has been highlighted on national organization websites, including the The Arc of Illinois. Soeren is a senior honors student and big brother to Olivia, who has an intellectual disability. During Illinois Writer's Week last month, Soeren gave the following speech to a gymnasium full of his high school peers and faculty at Fremd High School, Palatine, IL, and received a standing ovation.)

"I want to tell you a quick story before I start. I was walking through hallways, not minding my own business, listening to the conversations around me. As I passed the front door on my way to my English classroom, I heard the dialogue between two friends nearby. For reasons of privacy, I would rather not give away their race or gender. So the one girl leans to the other, pointing to the back of a young man washing the glass panes of the front door, and says, 'Oh my gaw! I think it is so cute that our school brings in the black kids
from around the district to wash our windows!' The other girl looked up, widened her slanted Asian eyes and called to the window washer, easily loud enough for him to hear, 'Hey, Negro! You missed a spot!' The young man did not turn around. The first girl smiled a bland smile that all white girls- hell, all white people- have and walked on. A group of Mexicans stood by and laughed that high pitch laugh that all of them have.

"So now it's your turn. What do you think the black window washer did? What would you do in that situation? Do you think he turned and calmly explained the fallacies of racism and showed the girls the error of their way? That's the one thing that makes racism, or any discrimination, less powerful in my mind. No matter how biased or bigoted a comment or action may be, the guy can turn around and explain why racism is wrong and, if worst comes to worst, punch 'em in the face.

"Discrimination against those who can defend themselves, obviously, cannot survive. What would be far worse is if we discriminated against those who cannot defend themselves. What then, could be worse than racism? Look around you and thank God that we don't live in a world that discriminates and despises those who cannot defend themselves. Thank God that every one of us in this room, in this school hates racism and sexism and, by that logic, discrimination in general. Thank God that every one in this institution is dedicated to the ideal of mutual respect and love for our fellow human beings. Then pinch yourself for living in a dream. Then pinch the hypocrites sitting next to you. Then pinch the hypocrite that is you. Pinch yourself once for each time you have looked at one of your fellow human beings with a mental handicap and laughed. Pinch yourself for each and every time you denounced discrimination, only to turn and hate those around you without the ability to defend themselves, the ONLY ones around you without the ability to defend themselves. Pinch yourself for each time you have called someone else a "retard".

"If you have been wondering about my opening story, I'll tell you that it didn't happen, not as I described it. Can you guess what I changed? No, it wasn't the hate focused on one person, and no, it wasn't the slanted Asian eyes or cookie-cutter features white people have or that shrill Hispanic hyena laugh (yeah, it hurts when people make assumptions about your person and use them against you, doesn't it?).

"The girl didn't say "hey, Negro." There was no black person. It was a
mentally handicapped boy washing the windows. It was "Hey retard." I removed the word "retard". I removed the word that destroys the dignity
of our most innocent. I removed the single most hateful word in the
entire English language. I don't understand why we use the word; I don't think I ever will (understand). In such an era of political correctness, why
is it that "retard" is still ok? Why do we allow it? Why don't we stop using the word? Maybe students can't handle stopping -I hope that offends you students, it was meant to; but ,I don't think the adults, here can (handle stopping) either. Students, look at your teacher, look at every member of this faculty. I am willing to bet that every one of them would throw a fit if they heard the word "faggot" or "nigger" - hell, (even) the word "Negro" - used in their classroom. But how many of them would raise a finger against the word retard? How many of them have? Teachers, feel free to raise your hand or call attention to yourself through some other means, if you have. That's what I thought. Clearly, this obviously isn't a problem contained (only) within our age group.

"So why am I doing this? Why do I risk being misunderstood and
resented by this school's student body and staff? Because I know how much you can learn from people, all people, even- no, not even, especially- the mentally handicapped. I know this because every morning I wake up and I come downstairs and I sit across from my sister, quietly eating her Cheerio's. And as I sit down, she sets her spoon down on the table and she looks at me, her strawberry blonde hair hanging over her freckled face almost completely hiding the question-mark-shaped scar above her ear from her brain surgery two Christmases ago. She looks at me and she smiles. She has a beautiful smile; it lights up her face. Her two front teeth are faintly stained from the years of intense epilepsy medication, but I don't notice that anymore. I lean over to her and say, "Good morning, Olivia." She stares at me for a moment and says quickly, "Good morning, Soeren," and goes back to her Cheerio's. I sit there for a minute, thinking about what to say. "What are you going to do at school today, Olivia?" She looks up again. "Gonna see Mista Bee!" she replies loudly, hugging herself slightly and looking up. Mr. B. is her gym teacher and perhaps her favorite man, outside of our family, on the entire planet; and Olivia is thoroughly convinced that she will be having gym class every day of the week. I like to view it as wishful thinking. She finishes her cheerio's and grabs her favorite blue backpack and waits for her bus driver, Miss Debbie, who, like clockwork, arrives at our house at exactly 7'o'clock each morning. She gives me a quick hug goodbye and runs excitedly to the bus, ecstatic for another day of school. I watch the bus disappear around the turn and I can't help but remember the jokes..... The short bus..... The retard rocket. No matter what she does, no matter how much she loves those around her, she will always be the butt of some immature kid's joke. She will always be the butt of some mature kid's joke. She will always be the butt of some "adult"'s joke.

"By no fault of her own, she will spend her entire life being stared at and judged. Despite the fact that she will never hate, never judge, never make fun of, never hurt (others), she will never be accepted.
That's why I'm doing this. I'm doing this because I don't think you understand how much you hurt others when you hate. And maybe you don't realize that you hate. But that's what it is; your pre-emptive dismissal of them, your dehumanization of them, your mockery of them, it's nothing but another form of hate. It's more hateful than racism, more hateful than sexism, more hateful than anything. I'm doing this so that each and every one of you, student or teacher, thinks before the next time you use the word "retard", before the next time you shrug off someone else's use of the word "retard". Think of the people you hurt, both the mentally handicapped and those who love them. If you have to, think of my sister. Think about how she can find more happiness in the blowing of a bubble and watching it float away than most of us will (find) in our entire lives. Think about how she will always love everyone unconditionally. Think about how she will never hate. Then think about which one of you is "retarded".

"Maybe this has become more of an issue today because society is
changing, slowly, to be sure, but changing nonetheless. The mentally
handicapped aren't being locked in their family's basement anymore.
The mentally handicapped aren't rotting like criminals in institutions. Our fellow human beings are walking among us, attending school with us, entering the work force with us, asking for nothing but acceptance, giving nothing but love. As we become more accepting and less hateful, more and more handicapped individuals will finally be able to participate in the society that has shunned them for so long. You will see more of them working in places you go, at Dominicks, at Jewel, at Wal-Mart. Someday, I hope more than anything, one of these people that you see will be my sister.

"I want to leave you with one last thought. I didn't ask to have a mentally handicapped sister. She didn't choose to be mentally handicapped. But I wouldn't trade it for anything. I have learned infinitely more from her simple words and love than I have from any classroom of "higher education". I only hope that, one-day, each of you will open your hearts enough to experience true unconditional love, because that is all any of them want to give. I hope that, someday, someone will love you as much as Olivia loves me. I hope
that, someday, you will love somebody as much as I love her. I love you, Olivia."

Weekends Suck

2008-04-20T07:28:00.004-04:00

Sunday:
I've been up since 5am (had a very bad dream... let's just say it involved my little girl and me ending up stabbing someone 3 times); didn't go to bed till 2am. Thus far the weekend has been an absolute nightmare.... and it started Friday before I even left work.

Following explains my weekend thus far.

Friday:
I had an amazing job opportunity arise for me with the FBI. I had the interview on April 4th and got an email about a week later with the word "CONGRATULATIONS" going on to say that I've been "chosen". I was absolutely STOKED, to say the least. All I could think in the back of my mind is that "it's finally happening.... my husband landed this amazing job, we got a house, a new vehicle... our lives are finally coming together where we can build a future together". Friday that all came crashing down.

I'm not the type to quit a job before getting another one. The last time I did that I was out of work for an agonizing 4 months. After calls and emails to the FBI requesting elaboration on the original email sent to me and getting no response, I decided to pick up the phone to call a family friend who has worked at the FBI for 13 yrs. I read her the email and told her that I was torn because I didn't know what to do. The email indicated that it would require me to travel to Washington, D.C. the week of April 28th. I told her that I've left messages with the contact person and sent several emails to request further information and have heard nothing. I explained to her that I was in a position where I needed to decide if it would be safe to put in my 2 week notice with my current employer. She reassured me that I was a "shoe in" and told me that as long as the testing came back (background check, drug test, polygraph), there wouldn't be any reason at all that I shouldn't go ahead and put it in. I talked with my husband about it and explained to him what she told me. We decided that it would be safe to put in that 2 week notice. I mean I have nothing to keep me from passing all the testing required; and I sure didn't want to go to my present employer to request time off to travel to Washington, D.C. to test for another job. So this past Monday, I turned in my 2 week notice which made my last day as a Paralegal on April 25th. The entire week I felt like I was floating on cloud 9.... it's the happiest I've been about things in awhile (this house has really put a lot of stress and strain for us both). In the back of my mind I'm thinking "It would still be good to speak with someone from the HR Dept". So I sent another email and decided to just call her up. I, of course, had to leave a message. Amazingly she did return my phone call Friday afternoon while I was at work, which started my horrible weekend. She advised me that I was chosen as an "alternate" candidate and that the position was not a "guaranteed" position. In other words, the only way MY position was guaranteed is if the "primary" candidate was unable to pass their testing. Reminder: finding this out a week after I've already put in my 2 week notice. The email I received did not, what-so-ever, indicate anything that she was telling me. Hell, I was ready to travel to Washington. She confirmed that I would still be requested to go to Washington to complete the testing, but that she felt that I should ask my current employer to disregard my 2 week notice. Oh? Ya think? I felt like a complete idiot. Now how are you supposed to go to your employer, with your tail between your legs, and say "I need to keep my job.... at least till I find out if I've got the other one". Ummm, probably not gonna sit well. My supervisor was off that day and there would be no way in hell that I could go to the attorney and tell him this. I snuck off to the back room and called her at home, explained everything to her. She asked to speak with the attorney. After she spoke with him, he called me to advise me that she was on the other line wanting to speak with me (REMINDER... I just got approved for health benefits.. haven't even used them yet... which is something they pay 100% for... which by the way, was canceled the day I turned in my notice). She told me that since the partner attorney was not in the office it would be something they would have to talk about on Monday and let me know. So I'm thinking.... GREAT... they're gonna have a pow wow mocking and laughing at me about jumping to conclusions and tell me tough shit... regardless of you trying to better yourself in life... this is your last week of employment with us. There goes my income, along with my health insurance. I'll be honest... about then is when I felt I needed that health insurance the most. Needless to say after the day, I could not wait to go to bed.

Saturday:
I wake up in a bit better spirits. As long as I don't think about the above issue. Our home is still a disaster. Still no kitchen and I fired my ex husband from doing the work since everything that he did pretty much was coming undid (yeah, I just invented that word). We've been on the hunt for contractors. So far one has came back with an offer of $6000.... JUST for the kitchen. We got in touch with another contractor. Christian man with lots of morals. Turns out that I know his family from where I used to go to church with my mom. Very nice people. He left and I must say I was a bit excited because he seemed to be very reasonable and very honest. My husband and I decided to use him. He even took it upon himself to pray with us before he left. I grew up in church; I know right from wrong and what being a Christian is all about. I wish I were a better person when it came to God and I know that I have issues that I need to work out with him. I've held a lot in and am ashamed of the way I feel. But I know Jesus and it still touches my heart in the deepest way when I feel his spirit. I want to make things right, but the past and the hurt somehow keeps that from happening. I cried. I cried hard. I cried so hard I was embarrassed. I know it's the past hurt and the current stress that has me so emotional. I hate getting this way, I hate being this way. All in all, knowing that we had a Christian contractor somehow made things look a bit better (as long as I didn't think about the FBI). So we go on about our day. I'm wiped. I mean totally wiped out. I go downstairs to put in a load of laundry, come back up and lay on the couch a bit while Faith watched Elmo. Later that evening my husband goes downstairs to get a clean pair of pants. He comes up and stops in the middle of the Living Room and gives me "the look"; no. no. NO. I HATE that look. That look of "You don't even wanna know". I say "What?" He tells me that there's 2-3 inches of standing water in the basement and all the dirty laundry I had separated is soaked. Not only that, but the water standing in the basement.... is septic water. Our main was backed up so badly that every time the toilet was flushed or water was ran.... instead of it draining, it ended up in the basement. I give up.

Sunday:
My bad dream awakens me after only 3 hours of sleep. I come down and unwind by playing a good game of "Price is Right" on the computer. Around 7, I go back upstairs to try and get a few more hours before the sound of my little girl awakens me. It's not happening. I have millions of things going through my mind. I come back down and make 2 calls to "plumbers" to see if they could possibly do a Sunday call and cringe to think of how much this will cost us. We've already put so much money into this house, not to mention the fact of loans we've gotten. If this plumber comes and is unable to fix what's wrong and tells us a new line needs run.... I'm done. I'm calling and voiding the contract. We're undoing everything that's been done and we're moving. I cannot allow our family to go through this. I'm so stressed right now and think that I have got to be somewhat of a healthy person to take this and not just kill over of a heart attack.

Next week better bring better or the next time I blog it may be from the wing of the mental hospital.

The Importance of a Bathroom!

2008-03-22T09:19:00.005-04:00

Bathrooms are taken for granted.

With that being said, I'll explain. We moved into this house thinking that all we were gonna have to do is slap on some paint and install kitchen cabinets and flooring. We were fools. Upon tearing out the kitchen floor and pulling down the existing cabinets, we find that the upstairs bathroom has a great deal of "leakage". So down comes the ceiling in the kitchen. While the kitchen ceiling is down my husband (thank God he's got plumbing experience, and he's good.... real good) replaces the entire plumbing for the upstairs bathroom (tub, sink, toilet). Meanwhile, not only does the plumbing need replaced; we find that the waste line also needs replaced. THAT was absolutely disgusting.

So, after all the plumbing is done and we move upstairs to the actual bathroom we find that the upstairs toilet is cracked. Completely unusable (thank God we hadn't used it since we moved in). Since the toilet is one piece, it couldn't be repaired. Besides, every piece in the upstairs bathroom was purple. Light lilac, to be specific. While I love the color purple, it's not really a color I like to see as the main attraction in the master bath. Beside the fact of the bright colored toiletries, we find that they are so old that they aren't functioning as they should. So we went and picked out a new toilet, new bath and new lavatory. Now the thrown is a bright white, as it should be. The tub is huge and the lav is a pedestal sink (very nice).

The "quick" version of this story is that the flooring in the upstairs bath got pulled up as well a floating wall had to be reconstructed since the new tub is larger than the old tub. The toilet is higher than the old and since we are putting down ceramic tile on the floor the toilet had to be "raised", so it now sits on a platform. Upon our venture of installing the new tub (which I LOVE), we decided to do the same ceramic tile around the shower wall.

It's been a very frustrating process and, not to mention very costly.... but I now see it coming together. And for my husband, one who wasn't a "handyman"; he seems to be coming around to the excitement as well. He's learning new things, which he loves and I must say does an absolute gorgeous job on anything he tackles. He just stood in the living room last night, dust all over him from cutting tile, and smiled. He said he just realized today that he is working on "his" home. I've been so bummed about this entire process that I hadn't even stopped to think of it that way. Now that we both see it coming together, it's rewarding and exciting.

After the master bath is complete, it's on to the kitchen. I'm kind of sad that I'm unable to cook Easter dinner for my family, as that's something I've done since my Mom passed; but I must say that I'm EXTREMELY excited to see how the kitchen is going to turn out.

Here are some photos of the "process" of our master bath:

View of the ceiling from the kitchen.... that's right, it's the sewage pipe. Ewwww!

Bathroom "before"

Bathroom (same view) "during" .... coming along :)

Another view... my husband's idea of having the "throne" on a step up (i like it!!!)

And another

The Beginning

2008-03-08T11:42:00.001-05:00

Well, it's finally official; we're residents of Shinnston, WV. I must say that it's been a bit more of an adventure then what I expected, but I'm hoping that in the long run it works out for the best.

I never really took the time to realize the luxuries that we have, that is... until we don't. Take for example; running water. Needless to say that while it's exciting to have the opportunity to be "homeowners", I had at least expected to have running water. Well, we DO have running water actually; the problem is that it's running EVERYWHERE. We have some water leakage in the house and while it's not major, I have to say that I cannot wait for the time that the main valve doesn't need to be shut off between uses. Not only do we have water problems, but also water problems causing our kitchen ceiling to have to be replaced. I keep thinking in my mind "It will be worth it, we WILL conquer". I still can't wait for the time to hop into the shower without having to visit the basement first. If not for point of the matter, I must say I'm not a huge fan of dark cool "underground" places. I'm just glad my husband knows plumbing, and knows it well. Hopefully this weekend all will be repaired and we will be able to regain the luxury of that sweet sound I call "running water".

We also have taken it upon ourselves to totally redo the kitchen (thanks to the skill and craftsmanship of my ex husband), I began to get excited just talking about the changes and updates. Meanwhile we are literally without a kitchen. That's right. No sink, no cabinets, and the refrigerator is sitting in the dining room.... across the room from our stove. Last night a trip to the grocery store resulted in a lot of frozen/microwavable dinners.

Tonight I went to an auction with some friends and as I was dropped off at the house, she went on and on about how cute it was and how much she liked it. I sat there in the car dreading the fact that inside there was so much to be done, however I was able to glare at the outside of the house for a moment. I like it. I like it a lot. And after discussing the updates with the ex husband and current husband (many think that sounds strange, but I'm so glad it's that way... it really is nice to get along so well), I realized that this little place has a lot of potential. It's going to take time and effort; not to mention a very generous loan from my mother-in-law (that woman should seriously have a Superman cape on), we'll get there.

So, tomorrow I'm going to contact the landlord and advise her of what we would like to have stated in the contract and then request that she try to get that drawn up within the next few weeks; before any major purchases are made. After work, it's off to Lowe's to window shop for kitchen cabinetry.

So the adventures begin....... potential is my new favorite word.

"New House" before pics

2008-02-10T14:55:00.001-05:00

Puppy Love

2008-01-21T23:53:00.001-05:00

Our new family addition; Pudge

When I Hurt

2007-12-18T20:08:00.000-05:00

This time of the year is especially hard for me. Christmas since 2001 has never been the same without my Mother. It's sad too because I have my little girl to think about; but without fail the only thing I do is wait and pray for it to be over as quickly as possible. What use to be the most special time of the year has turned into the undeniably worst.

Last year it seemed to get a little easier. I have the love of my daughter and my husband, not to mention my Dad and my brother. But then once I started thinking that Christmas is a little easier, I then start to feel guilty. I don't want to enjoy Christmas. I don't want to be happy on the one day of the year my Mother loved the most.

December 24, 1969 my parents were married in my Grandparents home. December 25, 1972 my Mother gave birth to me. December 24, 1998 my little Faith Ellen was born. So, you see.... Christmas was huge for my family.... from my parents anniversary, to my birthday, to Faith Ellen's birthday.

My Mom absolutely loved this time of the year. You'd think for someone who was in the kitchen cooking from the time she woke up to almost the time she went to bed, it would get old. But not for my Mom. She sat at the kitchen table smiling, singing Christmas songs, lighting Christmas candles and making the most remarkable dinner all for her family. She loved everything about Christmas. She glowed when her little "Pretty Face" was born on Christmas Eve.

All this changed Christmas of 2002. No more smiles, no more Christmas songs at the table and no smell of Christmas candles.

So you see, even though Christmas should be the happiest time of the year; even when I think that it may get "easier"..... it's then I realize it will never be the same for me. Not without my Mom. This time of the year is when I miss her the most. If I could have one last Christmas wish ever...... it would be to be with my Mommy just one more day.

Happy Thanksgiving

2007-11-19T23:44:00.000-05:00

What I'm Thankful For

The mess to clean up after a party because it means I have been surrounded by friends.

The taxes I pay because it means that I'm employed.

The clothes that fit a little too snug because it means I have enough to eat.

My shadow who watches me work because it means I am out in the sunshine.

The spot I find at the far end of the parking lot because it means I am capable of walking.

All the complaining I hear about our government because it means we have freedom of speech.

That lady behind me in church who sings off key because it means that I can hear.

The piles of laundry and ironing because it means my loved ones are nearby.

The lawn that needs mowing, windows that need cleaning, and gutters that need fixing because it means I have a home.

My huge heating bill because it means that I am warm.

Weariness and aching muscles at the end of the day because it means that I have been productive.

The alarm that goes off in the early morning hours because it means that I am alive.

I am thankful for you because it means that I am loved.

FINALLY.....

2007-10-30T10:36:00.000-04:00

..... I'm employed!!!! That's right folks, a working woman. It's good to be in that saddle again!!

I had an interview for a law firm on Friday and they called Monday morning to offer me the job. Even though it's not as much as I was making at my last position, the benefit that they pay 100% insurance sure makes up that loss. I figured it out and I'm actually making cents less after taking that into consideration.

So my first day is November 5. This is my last week of "housewife" duties. THANK GOD!! I cannot tell you how happy I am that I won't be stuck in this house all day long. Another perk is that I'll be working in the same town as my husband and we can carpool together, which will save gas. He'll be getting off about 30 minutes before me, but I'm sure he can find something to occupy his time seeing that we're both pretty much in the "shopping section" of town.

I'm excited and the job just feels "right".

My Life At Home

2007-10-24T11:52:00.000-04:00

Well seems that staying home just isn't my cup of tea. I've now been a "housewife" officially for 4 months since my resignation and I can tell you I'm not liking it. At all.

I've had a few interviews, but at this point in my life I'm not going to take a job just to get back to work. I want a career. I didn't go to college and I know that may seem a little too demanding, but I know my skills and work ethic are worth more than a measly $9-$10 hr job. I make that much on Unemployment. So yes, maybe I am being picky... but why not? I've worked for the past 17 years for the Unemployment check every other week, I'm taking advantage of it and taking my time to find a job that I can hopefully retire from. Which I must say, isn't all that of an easy task in this area. Jobs are hard to come by, and to find a "good job".... well, let's just say I'm praying for a miracle.

We are trying to trade in our 2006 Trailblazer for something that will lower our payments a bit. The finance manager is out of town and won't be back until Thursday.... so we're waiting. If they can't cut us the deal we need, we may be better off to drive an hour or so and try there. The salesman, in a nonchalant way, suggested we drive about an hour to the mountains and try to possibly see if we could get a better deal there. We'd be trading a 4x4 so he suggested that a better trade value would be in an area where folks are strictly looking for 4x4 SUV's. It's an idea that we may explore.

One advantage of being off work is the fact that I am more involved with Faith. I actually will be playing the role model of "Homeroom Mother" for her Halloween party on Friday. She is going to be a ballroom princess... the whole nine yards.... long white gown, white gloves, white slippers and of course the tiara. Who can be a princess without the tiara?? I went yesterday and picked up candy and such to make up little bags for the kids. Picked up some cupcakes. I also signed on for the Christmas party, even though I'm hoping to be working by then I hope to be able to attend that one since Faith's birthday is on Christmas Eve.

All in all, life has been a little boring. Some days I feel really down and depressed. I know it's the fact that I'm jobless. I just don't know how women stay home.... it's not in my blood.

Bummed

2007-09-26T14:51:00.000-04:00

It's been awhile..... reason being? Nothing to say really. I mean I'm still desperately seeking employment and not had much luck with that at all. I'm actually getting to the point that I'm starting to feel a bit depressed about the whole thing. Second guessing my resignation and wondering if I had made the right decision.

I had an interview on Monday for a localized state facility. The interview went well, but it's now Wednesday and I've still not heard anything. I'm getting scared. I hate not working.

My 2nd Tattoo

2007-09-01T18:47:00.000-04:00

Just went and had it done on Wednesday. A bit bigger than my last one; about 7 inches long and 4 1/2 inches wide. Very special meaning.....

Inspiration

2007-08-15T12:56:00.000-04:00

I've been kind of in a "funk" lately with blogging. I mean there's nothing really going on to blog about, except drama and I'd rather try to forget about that for awhile.

Please stay tuned for the regular scheduled programming......

Surprise

2007-08-11T09:53:00.001-04:00

LOL. Ok, this IS my all time favorite!!

Evolution of Dance

2007-08-09T20:34:00.001-04:00

Ok. One more. LOL

Hahaha

2007-08-09T20:22:00.001-04:00

Ok.... I'm havin a "YouTube" night. I LOOOOOOVE this one!

Check this out.....

2007-08-09T20:21:00.001-04:00

The only time I'd enjoy being in prison.... to watch this!!!

The Family Cometh

2007-08-04T00:11:00.000-04:00

Family is here. I thought I would be nervous... well, I was at first but they are so nice and I got comfortable in no time. Of course I haven't really gotten to know them yet. They just got in a few hours ago and I mostly have just been able to sit and listen to stories, but it's been enjoyable. Grandma is so cute!!! She just smiled and kissed me on the cheek as soon as she came in! God I miss female interaction! Family, I mean. I'm usually surrounded by men so the sight of female family gets me excited! Girl talk!!! LOL

Tommorrow evening I'm going to make dinner. A bit nervous about that and hoping that they aren't as picky as Joel. He says that they'll love my deer steak so I'm holding him to that. Deer steaks, chicken breast marinated in Itailian dressing and baked, fried potatoes, green beans. That oughta show 'em us "southerners" know how to cook up a meal.

I think Sunday we'll drive to Valley Falls and show them where we got married. It's not a far drive and this weekend is actually the Blackberry Festival so we may be able to head over there and look around a bit. It's their call.

More updates later

2007-08-02T11:33:00.001-04:00

My Biggest Fear

2007-07-26T08:55:00.000-04:00

I recently read this article in the news....... it sickens me to even see this man alive, let alone walk away in cuffs. That isn't justice.......

Respiratory therapist Wayne Albert Bleyle was in New York state on a wintry day when investigators called him about allegations he had molested patients too sick to defend themselves.

When they asked how many children he molested, investigators said, he looked out his window and asked, "How many snowflakes are there out there?"

On Wednesday, Bleyle didn't turn to look as a succession of parents and family members of victims spoke at his sentencing hearing. Some wept; others shook with anger.

As part of a plea deal, Bleyle, 56, was sentenced to 45 years and eight months in prison for molesting five of his young, disabled patients and for taking pornographic photographs of others. Prosecutors said he targeted those who were comatose, brain-damaged or too disabled to talk.

"You have violated the trust of your patients, you have violated the trust of your employer, and you have inflicted indescribable anguish on your victims and their families," Superior Court Judge Kenneth K. So told Bleyle.

Bleyle, who told investigators he molested as many as half the children he treated in his ten years working in the convalescent ward at Rady Children's Hospital in San Diego, stared straight ahead or cast his eyes down at the table in front of him as victims' relatives spoke.

"I just want you to know it doesn't matter what you say or how many years you spend in jail - it's not going to be enough," Lillian Godfrey, whose daughter is now dead, told Bleyle. "I don't think you have a soul. You're just an empty human shell."

Prosecutors said the extent of Bleyle's molestation will never be known because he targeted patients who were comatose, brain-damaged or too disabled to speak.

He was arrested last year after investigators tracing pornography through the Internet found tens of thousands of pornographic images on his computer, including photographs he took of himself abusing his patients.

He allegedly confessed to investigators in March 2006 when they reached him by phone in New York state, where he was visiting relatives. When he was arrested, he was living in a trailer in a casino parking lot because his wife had kicked him out of the house.

Bleyle worked at the renowned Rady hospital for 25 years, the last 10 at the convalescent home, where the most disabled patients live. The 59-bed convalescent hospital treated 176 patients during Bleyle's 10 years working there.

"He wishes to apologize to all the victims and their families," said his attorney, Casey Donovan, who noted that Bleyle himself had been sexually abused as a boy. "He knows he can never make amends for what he has done."

Investigators identified just four of Bleyle's victims: three girls and a boy who were all younger than 14 when the molestations took place. Two of the children have since died. Investigators were never able to put a name to one of the victims, a 2-year-old girl found in pictures.

Janice Frost, whose 10-year-old daughter died in June 2006, three months after investigators discovered her image on Bleyle's home computer, called it a "parent's worst nightmare." Frost said her daughter was under Bleyle's care from the time she entered the long-term facility as a 10-day-old newborn suffering a brain condition. "During her dying moments, I told her I would see this through," Frost said outside the courtroom, as she clutched one of her three older daughters.

Bleyle faced up to 165 years if he had been convicted on all counts in a jury trial. Prosecutors said they made a deal in part because they were anxious to spare one of Bleyle's victims, a teenage girl who claimed Bleyle inappropriately touched her buttocks while she recovered from a stroke, the strain of testifying before a jury.

Bleyle's arrest prompted the hospital to ban cell phones in patient treatment areas, including rooms, and require doors and curtains around patients be left open most of the time, said hospital spokesman Ben Metcalf.

In court, Pandora Johnson said she had asked her son, who cannot speak because of a breathing device in his throat, whether he had been abused. "He didn't give his usual yes or no sign. He just looked afraid," Johnson said. "And when I said, 'Wayne will never do this to you again,' he gave me a big smile. That smile broke my heart."

That Sigh of Relief

2007-07-25T23:21:00.000-04:00

Well the test is done and over with.... I passed after a grouling 3 hour call test. Two tests down and now waiting on reference check and background check, other than that looks like the only other obstacle is the interview. The testing administrator advised me that they have interviews booked for the entire month of August, which means it looks like my interview wouldn't be until September. That sucks, really sucks. I was stoked about passing the test, but quickly brought down by finding out that I may have to wait 2 months for the interview. Meanwhile I've pretty much decided that I'll have to keep looking, take whatever comes along and then see how it turns out.

Needless to say the next week or so I'll be shipping out more resumes. Job hunting sucks.

Testing, Testing 1 2 3

2007-07-25T12:25:00.001-04:00

Ok, I'm freaking out and I need something to do to occupy my time.... thus, the blog entry.

I go for my second test in 2 hours and I'm finding that my stomach is doing tumblesaults. I haven't wanted anything like this for a long time, well since I met my husband online and was waiting for him to move to West Virginia. Ahhh, the memories.

So far, I've defeated Rome (online game I've been playing), folded 3 baskets of laundry (while watching the Price Is Right), put away groceries, done 3 loads of laundry and barely got down a cup of coffee.

We did get a call from Joel's dad last night advising us that he would be in next weekend, not this weekend. That gives me a bit more time to get things here at the home front situated for their visit. It's also good because my family (2 aunts, my cousin and her baby) is coming in this weekend. I was a bit concerned how I would manage to visit with everyone in just one weekend. It's bad in another sense because Joel is scheduled to work that Saturday, but he's going to talk to his boss and see if something can be worked out. I hope so, I have no clue how I would manage to entertain people I don't know much about. I'm sure I'd come up with something, but I would want it to be something they would enjoy doing. We'll see.

Ok.... times a tickin, I'm off to shower and test. ACK!!!! I'm scared!!!

Staying Busy

2007-07-24T16:31:00.000-04:00

Cleaning is tough. I would NEVER want to do it for a living! I simply cannot wait to get back to work.

Joel's family is coming for their visit this weekend. I'm nervous. They'll be in Friday night and from my understanding staying through Sunday. Not only are they coming in, but my family from North Caroling and Ohio are coming as well. Don't know how I'm going to manage that. Too many people to visit in a very short time. Wish our house was big enough to have them all over, but I just can't see how that would be possible. If our back area was cleaned up a bit we could probably manage a nice cookout, but finding out we have family from both sides coming in the same weekend at the last moments notice simply will not make that possible.

I'm trying to get the house organized and even though I've gotten a lot accomplished there just doesn't seem to be enough hours in the day. Of course I could probably be doing something more productive then blogging right now, but hey... everyone needs a break! I couldn't do much this morning because I had to run a few errands and had an interview today. Tomorrow is another day that I won't be able to accomplish much. I take my 2nd test for Verizon. THAT, I'm really nervous about. The interview went well today, perhaps too well. It's a good job, a secretary for the community career center. Contract job from August 2007 to July of 2008 with the possibility of becoming full time. The only negative issues are the hours. I'd be working from 3pm-9pm and I just can't see how that would be possible with Faith. I just hope that I find out about Verizon soon, before possibly hearing back from the career center. I don't want to turn anything down that would benefit this family. The career center job (because it's contract) doesn't offer benefits, so that's another negative. But it does pay well, very well for this area. Joel went for his interview yesterday at the college. He says it seemed to go very well, but he's not getting his hopes too high (he doesn't want to get bummed if he doesn't get a call back). They did mention the possibility of him being able to take classes while working to earn his degree. THAT would be awesome!! I would so love for him to achieve that. You'd think with everything he knows that he had a degree, but he doesn't. That would just be the icing on the cake.

I'll update later on about the job search and about the family visit.

My Next Tattoo

2007-07-18T16:00:00.000-04:00

Well I have a "fixin". I need another tattoo. Thought long and hard about this one. The one I have was on a whim. It's on the back of my neck/upper back. I knew I wanted a sun/moon tat but wasn't sure exactly the specific design. This is how it turned out.

Not too bad. This next one will "mean" something. Since the blog speaks of how my life has taken such a turn over the past 1 1/2 yrs then I've decided on a butterfly hatching from the caccoon. Here's the picture we found:

Only Joel is going to modify it a bit, he's going to draw it up and I'll take that in for them to go by. Not only will his drawing be on me, but I'm also going to have names incorporated in with the tattoo. I'm going to have my Mom's name in the body of the butterfly, Faith's name on one wing and Joel's name on the other. This signifies that these are the people in my life that have made me who I am today.... from caterpillar to butterfly. It will be posted as soon as it's complete. I'm much more excited about this one!

Days of Dull

2007-07-17T13:48:00.000-04:00

I miss working. Never thought I'd think that, but I do. I'll now be unemployed almost a month. It's killing me. The house looks real nice and the clothes seem to be getting laundered more efficiently, but I miss work.

I'm counting on July 25th. I take the second testing for Verizon. I will be absolutely crushed if I don't pass that test. I've had a few interviews, but I'm really holding out for Verizon. I'd hate to take a job and be there less than a month to take a better job. It's getting stressful financially to think about "what if". What if I don't get on there, then what? Ugh, it's driving me crazy already!!! The plus side to not working is the fact that I can start immediately. That has to be good, right?

Other than that my day is filled with laundry, dishes, dusting, vacuuming...... OH LORD!!! I'm officially a "housewife". Next thing I know, I'll be exchanging recipes with the women's auxiliary!

I've got to get this job. I NEED this job.

My Trip to the Lawyer

2007-07-12T19:18:00.001-04:00

An update on the latest events.

We were finally able to obtain the name of a lawyer who handles cases of special needs children. Unfortunately not local, but within the state. Today we drove to Charleston (about a 2 hr drive) to talk to him. The plus of this is that he is within the state, which means he's very familiar with the special education laws.

We provided him with school records (that of which we were charged $62) and medical records from Faith's PCP and Neurologist. We were in his office for approximately 2 hrs explaining the circumstances and issues. He took notes and told us that he needed to review the paperwork and would get back to us. He asked several questions and seemed to "gasp" at some of the statements we repeated that have been made by staff and the BOE.

He asked if we had come to the consultation as a "just in case we need him" or if we were asking him to file the complaints on the board to the state. I advised him that we would handle the complaints alone, that we had an advocate assisting us with those. I advised him that I wanted to proceed in full force, taking the Board of Education to court and demanding that Faith receive an aide.

Please keep us in prayers as we await his response.

Busy, Busy, Busy

2007-07-03T00:09:00.001-04:00

Now that our Poker Run has come to an end (till next year, that is) things have settled down a bit. Still lots of stuff going on but at least the event was a success and everyone seemed to enjoy themselves; to us, the most important thing was getting the message out but was so awesome to see everyone have so much fun!

Like I said, lots has happened. Friday was my last day at the nursing home. I resigned. They advised me that I would take on another role/duty as "HR Assistant", but yet no pay raise to go with these extra duties. Congrats HR Director.... "here's your sign". Ya just can't throw a bunch more work on a person, not give them a pay increase and expect them to stick around for more torture. Well, at least I didn't. I'm a good, hard, dependable worker and how dare they make me feel any differently, in the meantime the HR Director gets double my salary yet I'm doing 25% of her job. Eh. I don't think so. My husband was wonderful and supported me through the entire thing, actually if it had been up to him he would have cheered me to walk out without a notice, but walking out with a notice was a leap enough for me. I've worked since I was 15 yrs old and have only held 4 jobs with 2 yrs being my shortest term. Heartland has officially broken this record. That bothers me.... alot. But deep down I know that I'm better than this and it seems like because of the way things are run at the facility, job security wasn't one thing I would have been 100% sure of. Things happen for a reason (wise words from my husband). Where one door closes, another opens (wise words from my MoM).

I did test for Verizon this morning and PASSED!!!! Yippee!!!! I always swore I'd never do call center work again, but after doing it for so long and being away from it a year; well walking into that call center this morning felt like "home". It's what I know and what I know I do well. I believe that I excel at any job, however when you do something for that long then you tend to favor familiarity. My next testing is scheduled for July 25. So, I will take this break and get things on the homefront straightened around and sorted.

Joel found out last week that his Dad and Grandmother will be paying a visit within the next 2 or 3 weeks. That's exciting! I'm excited that Joel will be able to spend some time with his Dad and Grandmother; I, on the other hand, am a nervous wreck. Not so much about Grandma (fellow females in a situation like this tend to bond no matter what), but Dad? Well, he's a different story. I've talked to him before and he's really enjoyable but for some strange reason, I'm a ball of nerves. I just hope they like me and don't ask "What in the world does Joel see in her???" I don't know them that well, I know they wouldn't think that; but you know... I'm still scared.

I'll try to update more often now that things have settled a bit. The photos are on our website of the Poker Run, please take the time to visit when you can!

http://www.crusadeforfaith.org/events.cfm

Clean Saturday

2007-06-09T12:44:00.001-04:00

Well today is "clean" day. I've made it my mission to get my house clean. Not "straightened"; clean. I've got clean laundry all over our bedroom as well as Faith's room. I'm ashamed actually. Seems whenever we need clean clothes we have to fish through baskets and such to get an outfit. Today those will get hung and folded and put away.

This is actually the first weekend my husband has had to work. It sucks. Thank God I have Faith here today, I'd be beside myself. I hate a quiet house. I mean quiet as in nobody stirring around.

Needless to say, so far I've been able to keep myself busy. Our bedroom is almost done and next I'm hitting the computer room. That won't take long, then the bathroom; again not long. Kitchen on the other hand, well the only real thing that needs done in there are the floors. Faith's room - torture. We haven't even gotten that straightened around from the move. Her clothes also all over the place; clean, but all over the place. Dining Room and Living Room is gonna be a breeze, but I have to save that for last as "Queen Bee" is in watching TV. I dare not to interrupt when Elmo is playing.

So hopefully, even though my husband isn't here to share my Saturday I'll be able to get something accomplished. Then this evening nothing but a little R&R; after yesterday's emotional roller coaster I'm not even going out of the house. If I stay within my safe place then there's nothing that can cross my path; aside from the occasional dust bunny.

Latest Updates

2007-06-06T21:04:00.001-04:00

I've been so pre-occupied with things that have been going on with Friday, I've not had the oppurtunity to update my blog. Will try to do that more often though.

For some interesting reading, you may refer to my daughter's blog at:

http://sweetfaith98.blogspot.com/

Calling, Mailing, Hanging....$$$$$

2007-06-01T19:42:00.000-04:00

Wow. I didn't realize how much work it is to try to raise money for a good cause. You'd think that it would be almost effortless, but people are so greedy.

The last post was a day I had received two calls in one day.... that's been it; period. No other sponsors, calls, or donations. No wait, I take that back. A local motorcycle shop sent us $25. While that's all good, it's kind of disappointing. We were hoping that the local motorcycle shops would really reach out and donate items; such as helmets, riding gloves, gift cards.... you know? So far the most generous offer we've gotten was the t-shirt deal. We ended up increasing the registration cost because we're having to go to such extreme measures to get sponsors. We paid $45 to run an ad in the local newspaper.... for one day, yes (1) day. Now that's just ridiculous. Next we're going to mail out a bunch of sponsor forms to local businesses to see if that will generate any reaction. With the cost of stamps, right now we're up to $60 just in postage. Then to have the copies made.... we've probably spent at least $75 in copies.

I'm loosing faith in the community I live. We're not asking for much; just help us get this thing off the ground so the rights for these kids will get noticed. I don't think that's too much to ask.

Our Crusade

2007-05-25T23:03:00.000-04:00

Wow. So much has happened in just the little bit of time I haven't posted. So much to tell!

We are getting great response from the community so far, I mean this isn't even a week old yet and we've already got 4 sponsors!!! There are actually two of our sponsors who are quite huge in this area, which is really great. We also have a sponsor who will be providing t-shirts for our run. Wow! That is amazing!!!

We've also been "legalized"; meaning that the IRS issued us an EIN number which makes us not breaking any laws. Because of this, we were able to open a checking account just for "Crusade for Faith". That's pretty awesome. This means we can now officially accept donations and bank them for when they are needed. Hopefully this Poker Run event will be the first of many and we've even discussed the possibility of having a car show sometime in September. I'm not concerned about bikers not showing, when it comes to raising money for kids they really pull through no matter what.

My friend Cacie and her boyfriend Punk have been awesome too!!! Her and I exchange ideas practically all throughout the day while we're at work (text messages... my cell phone bill is gonna rocket but it's so worth it). We have lots of folks who have volunteered to make a covered dish for our ending destination. We have 2 for sure stops lined up and 1 potential stop. I'd like to get 2 more stops for them. We desperately need contributions for raffles and door prizes though, hopefully with our next mailing that will start rolling in.

This is exciting! And for under a week I think that we've achieved well. I will be updating this often and again ..... please check out the beautiful website my husband built at:
www.CrusadeforFaith.org

2007-05-20T17:35:00.000-04:00

Some Mother's Earn God's Greatest Gift.

Most women become mothers by accident, some by choice, a few by social pressures and a couple by habit. This year, nearly 100,000 women will become mothers of handicapped children. Did you ever wonder how mothers of handicapped children are chosen?

Somehow I visualize God hovering over Earth selecting his instruments for propagation with great care and deliberation. As he observes, the instructs his angels to make notes in a giant ledger.

"Armstrong, Beth; son: patron saint, Matthew.
"Forrest, Marjorie; daughter, patron saint, Cecelia.
Rudledge, Carrie; twins; patron saint...give her Gerard. He's use to profanity."
Finally, he passes a name to give an angel and smiles, "Give her a handicapped child."
The angel is curious. "Why this one, God? She's so happy."
"Exactly," smiles God.
"Could I give a handicapped child to a mother who does not know laughter? That would be cruel."
"But has she patience?" the angel asks.
"I dont want her to have too much patience or she will drown in a sea of self-pity and despair. Once the shock and resentment wears off, she'll handle it.
"I watched her today. She has that feeling of self and independence that is so rare and so necessary in a mother. You see, the child I'm going to give her has his own world. She has to make it live in her world and that's not going to be easy."
"But, Lord, I dont think she even believes in you."
God smiles. "No matter. I can fix that. This one is perfect. She has just enough selfishness."
The angel gasps, "Selfishness? Is that a virtue?"
God nods, "If she cant separate herself from the child occasionally, she'll never survive. Yes, there is a woman who, I will bless with a child less than perfect. She doesn't realize it yet, but she is to be envied. She will never take for granted a "spoken word." She will never consider a "step" ordinary. When her child says "Momma" for the first time, she will be present at a miracle and know it!
"I will permit her to see clearly the things I see -- ignorance, cruelty, prejudice -- and allow her to rise above them. She will never be alone. I will be at her side every day of her life because she is doing my work."

Fight for a Right

2007-05-19T22:43:00.000-04:00

I've been in a world full of emotions since Thursday.

It started with speaking to Social Security to try and get Faith approved for benefits, hey it probably won't be a lot but Faith deserves it as much as the next person receiving it. Later that afternoon I attended, yet another, IEP meeting for Faith at school. This should be a meeting where the parents get to advise the school what their special needs child requires to succeed. However year after year it's been them telling us what they feel Faith needs and not even listening to us. I mean, who are we? Just her parents.

This was one meeting where I thought would be different. I had an advocate and Faith's social worker there with me and the advocate had advised me that this would be one of the shortest meetings that I had ever been to. Typically we're looking at a 2-3 hour process with the arguing and bickering back and forth between the board member and us. Since she advised me that it should only be a 30-minute meeting, I left work to attend and advised them that I wouldn't be gone long and went on my happy way thinking that we would absolutely blow them out of the water by refusing to sign the IEP documents.

So I sat there quietly, well I say quiet because before I spent most of the meeting arguing and fussing about what was put in Faith's IEP. I think they knew there would be a bomb at the end. Well, needless to say when I refused to sign all hell broke loose. I had the principal on one side of me yelling and my advocate on the other side yelling back at him. I sat there, not knowing what to say anymore. Why weren't they hearing me? Why has it been year after year that they feel they know what's best for my daughter? I started crying. Once everyone stopped yelling and realized that I was sitting there with my face in my hands crying, the room cleared out pretty quickly. I was crying for Faith and how I felt as her mother that she is not getting the attention for her to succeed to her fullest potential and how I felt like I had no other choice. Maybe it was time for me to throw my hands up in the air and allow them to claim their victory. I tried to go back to work but couldn't hold back my tears so my supervisor sent me home.

My husband, as usual, was very sympathetic and encouraging but because my self-esteem and hope had been trampled on a few hours before everything was running in circles in my mind. I couldn't stop thinking about it all and finally crashed on the couch at 6pm. I awoke a bit before 9pm and then ended going back to bed around 11pm. Before going to bed my husband had showed me a letter that he had written to the principal. Please allow me to share:

Mr. Gorrell,

Tonight, my wife came home in tears. She said that one day, she hoped to hear her little girl say "mommy". It remains her hope, and my express belief, that with the proper care and therapy, Faith Smith will one day say that little word.

Your "mission statement" would have me believe that the mission of Nutter Fort Elementary School is to "provide a child centered environment that will allow all students to become successful." The margin of success depends upon the individual. And for Faith, that might be as simple as one little word. It further offers that the stated goal is to "create a learning situation in which each child is encouraged to progress continuously in the mastery of processes according to her or his own needs and capabilities." The mission statement and it's purported "goals" all suggest creating an environment, and providing the resources for children, regardless of their abilities, to grow. Unfortunately, your mission statement and it's goals, as regards this child, remain precisely that. A suggestion.

I might be so bold as to suggest, sir, that you are failing this child.

I understand that you served in the military, as have I. As someone having had the privilege of having served, and knowing what it means to "serve", you, sir, should be ashamed of your behavior. This child has no voice. You are that voice. You did not raise that voice in support of my stepdaughter at yesterdays meeting. You raised that voice at my wife. You do not talk down to the mother of a special needs child. She does not need, nor want, a lecture from an individual so far removed from her situation. You sir, do not have the perspective to "educate" my wife on the needs of her child. Your job, put plainly, is to serve. To provide an environment in which their growth, personally, as well as academically, may be fostered. Regardless of the needs of the child. We entrust our children to your care. We trust that you will champion them.

Three years ago, you stood with my wife in her long suffering struggle to see that Faith is provided with the care that she requires. Yesterday, you belittled her. I neither understand, nor care, why you have withdrawn your support. It is immaterial to the matter at hand. This is not about you. It is not even about my wife. It is about a little girl getting the care she requires. And it remains your job, not your purview, to do everything in your power to see that she does. It remains attendant to your duty sir, to fight for these children. You are a public servant.

I have, until now, allowed my wife and her ex-husband to fight this battle alone. No longer. I am now engaged, and will make it my priority in the days, weeks, and years to come to champion the cause which you have laid down. There are other Faith Smiths. Many more, if I am to judge by the way your school, and this Board of Education, have treated my stepdaughter. It is unjust, sir, and I intend to raise my voice, since they cannot.

It is incumbent upon you to answer to the parents of these children. Not talk down to them. Yesterday, you did a disservice to the school, the parents, and the children you serve. In this final year of your tenure, you will have the opportunity to leave this post knowing that you did the right thing for this little girl. If you have any sense of honor, I might suggest you seize upon that opportunity.

This fight is not over. Far from it.

Sincerely,

Joel Bailey

I was a bit shocked that he had taken this measure and of course touched that he had stood up, not only for me, but for Faith. He had mentioned about making a website for Faith to draw attention to her situation as there are more than likely other parents whom struggle just as we do. He's such a wonderful husband.

Friday I had emailed a very good friend, Cacie, and told her about the meeting. She came up with the idea that we start a fund raiser event for Faith and her situation. Not only to raise money for the cause, but also to raise awareness and attention to the matter. We've been kicking around several ideas and she thought of doing a Poker Run. We have come up with the name "Ride for Faith" and are starting to work on getting sponsor support. It's just in the beginnings but could turn into something pretty big.

As my husband said, it's time that people take a stand for these children who cannot voice for themselves.

The website is up, but more things will be added as the days, weeks, and months go on. The web address, if you'd like to visit, is: www.crusadeforfaith.org

Also Faith has her own blog that I will now be regularly updating, that address is: sweetfaith98.blogspot.com

It's a start and hopefully something that will open a few local eyes. I'll definitely keep you all updated on this as things unfold.

If I Had My Life To Live Over

2007-05-16T17:35:00.000-04:00

IF I HAD MY LIFE TO LIVE OVER
- by Erma Bombeck
(Written after she found out she was dying from cancer).

If I had my life to live over, I would have talked less and listened more.

I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained and the sofa faded.

I would have eaten the popcorn in the 'good' living room and worried much less about the dirt when someone wanted to light a fire in the fireplace.

I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about his youth.

I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed.

I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.

I would have sat on the lawn with my children and not worried about grass stains.

I would have cried and laughed less while watching television - and more while watching life.

I would have shared more of the responsibility carried by my husband.

I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren't there for the day.

I would never have bought anything just because it was practical, wouldn't show soil or was guaranteed to last a lifetime.

Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have cherished every moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.

When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, "Later. Now go get washed up for dinner."

There would have been more "I love you's".. More "I'm sorrys" ...

But mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute... look at it and really see it ... live it...and never give it back.

2007-05-14T00:00:00.000-04:00

Roller Coaster Week

2007-05-12T23:59:00.000-04:00

So much has happened over the course of this week, it seems like the week has been a year.

Monday my husband got the boot. Not fired, however his company could "no longer afford him" and eliminated his position. Yup, just like that. Went to work that morning and came home that afternoon unemployed. No severance, no warning, and it seemed no sympathy. So, the owner doesn't know how to run a business (my opinion, not my husbands) - "I'm sorry Joel, it has nothing to do with your job performance or anything however my company is in a bad way right now and I had to borrow to make payroll last week". Oh geez buddy, thanks a lot. Sympathy goes out to you, since it's YOUR fault your digging your hole. In the meantime, is sorry gonna pay our bills? I was livid. I was scared. I was sad for my husband. He's the type of person that automatically thinks when something like this happens, that he's not good enough. Well, he was too good for that company anyways. That's a fact, not my opinion. Now, I'm not putting down his co-workers at all, in fact I feel sorry for them for having to stay employed at a place that could crash at a moments notice.

I'll get off my high horse... for now anyways.

To make a long story short. My husband goes to the unemployment office the next day and finds out he is eligible for benefits. Well, if that's what you would call them. $154 a week doesn't even come close to what he was making, but something was better than nothing. That was a bit of a relief. And remember the car accident? Well, got a call from the lady's insurance company and they totaled our car. I guess if at any time it's good that your car gets totaled, it's when one of you loose your job. So we were thankful for that, of course a clump of money only lasts so long to pay bills and such. But it was a relief. In the meantime, they are paying for a rental vehicle until May 17th.

My husband hit the pavement job searching. Made some contacts and sent some emails. It's really hard to find a job in his field around here (computers) but somehow he hit the right spot. He starts a new job on Tuesday. Not nearly what he was making at the old job, but definitely more than what his unemployment would have been. Besides, there's more opportunity for him to advance and grow. I'm excited for him and I'm so shocked at the turn around time.... don't know very many folks that can say they were only unemployed less than a week. But my honey is a go-getter and he went and got. Yay honey. Of course he's going to keep the door open for other options, but the biggest challenge has been met.

Like I said.... the roller coaster started on the down and moved up pretty quickly. So quick I didn't get motion sickness!

Appreciation

2007-05-06T14:34:00.000-04:00

Sunday. I love Sundays. Just a time to rest and relax and be with your family and a good way to prepare for your work week.

It's around 2:30pm and the house is a bit quiet. I hear the dishwasher and dryer running, Faith is in the Living Room watching her man (Elmo) and my husband took off for an afternoon with the father in law (my dad) to site in the gun he got last week. Not something I had ever anticipated on happening, but he seemed to be a bit excited about it all. He never goes out and even though today isn't like a night at the bar with buddies, I think it's good that he gets some time for him. I miss him though, it's strange but I do. I mean he's only been gone a couple of hours and to be honest... I'm a bit bored. Nobody to talk to and Faith isn't interested in playing with Mommy... she'd much rather be watching Elmo and I can only take so much of the "La la" song so I'm back here in the computer room just killing time.

Another strange thing is what's going through my mind as the house is quiet. I couldn't imagine living like this, alone without him. Then of course my mind drifts into panic... what if something happens to him while he's out and about. He's in a wreck, the gun backfires and he gets hurt... I'm wacked like that. I just can't wait to have him home again and know that he's safe

Even though it's only been a few hours of a quiet house, my heart appreciates him more right now. Guess it just takes a few hours of being alone to make me realize just how much I have to loose and how my life were to change if anything were to happen to him. I literally would not be able to live without him.....

What a day!

2007-05-05T16:10:00.000-04:00

Ya know when you get up and you're on your way to work innocently and get side-swiped not even 10 blocks from your house.... you should have stayed in bed. Unbelievable, eh? Yeah that isn't even the kicker. The girl slams into the side of my car rips the mirror off and KEEPS DRIVING!!!! I had to chase her 8 blocks before she even pulled over. In the meantime, I'm on my cell phone with the 911 operator yelling that some idiot just side-swiped me and kept driving that I was behind her and she wouldn't pull over. I was laying on the horn and giving the operator her license plate number. Finally she decides to pull over and get out. I'm still on the phone with 911 and the first thing I said to her was "What are you an idiot?? Why the HELL would you hit me and then keep going???" The operator told me to calm down that she understood that I was upset but didn't want a fight to start and that the cop was on his way. Her reaction? Calmly said "Oh I'm so sorry for hitting you." I swear to you this girl was unbelievably calm. I thought she was either high or drunk, mind you it's before 8:30am. Young, she was very very young. After the cop arrived I found out that she wasn't drunk but that he had spoke to her mother and the girl had a "medical condition" (no elaboration) and that she was 17 yrs old. The reason for her not stopping after she hit me? She was scared and wanted to drive home to see if her mom was home. I was so shook up but quickly calmed down after my husband arrived and the cop acknowledged it being her fault.

So Joel and I are standing there and I see some type of fluid leaking under where the drivers door is (this is where the impact occured). I thought it was gas but Joel smelled it and said it wasn't gas but thought perhaps that it was brake fluid. The cop came back and smelled it too and said that it was brake fluid and the car would have to be towed because it was leaking so badly. I don't even know at this point whether or not the damage to the vehicle is less than the vehicle is worth. I mean this was our older vehicle (thank God for that) and it is paid off, but it's a '99 and has a lot of miles. I would say if the damage is any more than $3000 they'll end up totaling the car. That sucks though, because it was paid for and where else we gonna find a vehicle (reliable) for $3000??

This morning we were able to pick up a rental which will get us around until her insurance company (thank God she was living with Mommy and Mommy was forking out for insurance) can do an estimate on the damage.

So, needless to say yesterday just "went". I don't even remember anything specifically about what I did at work as my mind was off track for the rest of the day. I hate that.

Anyways, even though these pictures don't show much.... here's our little cop and our banged up car. I've always hated that car, but now that it's hurt.... I dunno I'm kinda sad :(

:YAWN:

2007-05-03T23:12:00.000-04:00

I'm so tired tonight. I've been yawning since early this afternoon. It's now 11:14pm and I swear I could have went to bed at 7pm! What I'm still doing up is beyond me. I know... .my husband. Ya see I've gotten to a point where if he's not there for me to rest my hand on his shoulder, I'm not able to fall asleep. Argh. Awwww. I dunno which it should be at this point. I can tell you this, I'm fixin to crash soon and crash hard. Thank God tomorrow is Friday!

He's so sweet though as he's giving his mother technical support on how to fix a computer issue/work issue she's having. Since she's in CA and we're in WV that 3 hour time difference is tough. There it's only 8:15 right now, so that poor lady pretty much has been on the phone since she got home from work. But I think it's real cool to listen to them chit chat back and forth. Not that I'm being nosey and listening (nor do I understand a word he's saying), but since our computers are in one room it's a given that I hear. I should have made the most of my evening and did laundry and loaded up the dishwasher, but that of course would involve movement. I can barely blink my eyes, let alone do "manual" labor. I don't even want to think about the laundry. Now, let's just set the story straight here. I don't have a problem seperating, washing, drying, even folding.... it's the "putting away" part I just hate. Well there's only so many times you can throw clean clothes from one side of the room to another before they start to get a bit wrinkled. So needless to say most of our clean clothes are wrinkly. Maybe that'll be a goal to accomplish this weekend... but right now it's making me weaker by the moment just thinking about it.

My eye is really bothering me. It's puffy and kind of itching. There was a case of "Pink Eye" going around at work.... it's been so long since I've had "Pink Eye" that I can't even remember the symptoms. Hmmm.... maybe that's a way to waste another 15 or so minutes. I'mma go look.

Goodnight fellow bloggers :O

From the cats....very cute!

2007-04-29T17:26:00.000-04:00

By the way...

2007-04-26T22:25:00.000-04:00

I HATE that Blogger has changed their home page. Remember they used to have 3 blog names scrolling at once? Now there's only one and it scrolls so fast you barely have time to read it, let alone click on it. This was the method I used to find most of the awesome blogs I visit daily... ARGH!!!! I went to their site to file a complaint but saw nothing with the word "CONTACT".

Anyone have any ideas how to email them a bitch blurb?

Thursday - day after "Hump Day", day before TGIF

2007-04-26T18:46:00.000-04:00

Well, I'm back to a normal sleep pattern. Not sure what "moment" that was but boy am I glad it's over with! Funny thing is I was more sleepy the day after my marathon awakening then I was that day. Strange.

Now that I'm sleeping normally, I've been able to enjoy the past few evenings with my husband. We've watched movies the last 2 nights, of course it had to be before American Idol (which I'll elaborate on a bit more later). Tuesday night we watched "Codename: Cleaner" with Cedric the Entertainer. Cute movie. Had a few laugh out loud moments. Last night we watched "Buying the Cow", that on the other hand is HILARIOUS! I laugh every time I see it. Actually we bought that one, couldn't even find it to rent but that's ok. It was definitly a buy movie, one that you can watch over and over again.

Work has been, well work. I'm just glad I'm in the office behind closed doors and not out on the floor. We've had a shortage of nurses for some time now, not sure what's going on there but hope that it soon changes. Overworked people are stressed and stressed people are grouchy, especially if you're the one that does their check. That'd be me. Every time I hear the door swing open and see a white coat, I cringe. So far (knock on wood), this paycheck has proven to have no major issues. I love it when that happens. I guess what they say is true... everyone likes payday except for the payroll person.

I spent 2 precious hours away from my husband last night watching American Idol (simply because he refuses to watch it with me, actually I think he'd rather dance on glass) and for the first time I was so ready for it to be OVER!! I only tune in mainly to hear them sing and to see who is gonna get the boot. Two, yes 2, looooong hours I sat there and waited to find out that they weren't giving anyone the boot. I was so pissed. Now next week will make up for it as they will give 2 the boot, however I'm still recovering from the pain of last night. Ugh. I mean I had to listen to Earth, Wind, and Fire sing.... if that isn't torture enough, what else? Oh yes... that would be Celine Dion singing with Elvis. Oh brother. Besides every time they showed those kids I'd cry. Now there's just all kinds of wrong about that. I would blame it on hormones, but ya know.

Now I don't typically pay back, per say, but I'll take this oppurtunity to do so. My husband took the oppurtunity not long ago to blog about my actions upon having a bowel movement (I open the bathroom window when I poop, now what's so bad about that eh?). So let me take this oppurtunity to share a few little secrets about my wonderful husband. First, let's cover the proven fact that this man is the most amazing man in the world - however - he does blow some stinky air. Secondly my husband has a "foot fork". That's right ladies and gents, he has claimed a kitchen fork (one you eat with) as a foot scratcher. God forbid if that fork ever get mixed up with one of the ones in the kitchen drawer. Ewww. Actually I've stomped my foot and counted to three (Oh Brother Where Art Thou) and told him it's the woman law that he keeps this "foot fork" at his desk at all times. No exceptions. So far he's abided by this law. Hmmmm, now that I've told these things it looks as though he may have still won out on me by sharing my poop practice. Ah well... it was fun while it lasted.

I love you honey, don't forget that :)

Sleep

2007-04-23T10:00:00.000-04:00

Typically I have no problems with sleep. Last night was a different story. We went to bed around midnight (our usual time) and I was so awake. I mean "energy awake". I laid there and kept Joel awake chatting until all I heard was an "Uh". Poor thing. He has this problem a lot and here's a night when he could have just crashed when his head hits the pillow and here's his wife yapping up a storm. So I got up. I got on the computer and browsed blogs a bit (my past time when there's nothing really interesting to look for online, besides what can you possibly find interesting at 2am?). After reading up on some of my favorite blogs and checking email, I decided to play an online game. Well I downloaded a trial version of probably one of the dumbest games I've ever seen. But it's like I couldn't stop playing. Finally when the game said I was doing so great and yet I had no clue what the hell I was doing, I shut it down. I went in on the couch and covered up waiting to get sleepy. At some point I thought "Ok, I can do this now", and off to bed I went (note: it's now 3:30 am). I tried to sneak quietly, but that's another thing I don't do well; besides which, the floor is too squeaky. Joel flopped over and I was just hoping that I wouldn't wake him up. I laid there, eyes wide open and wondering why I couldn't just sleep. I wanted to, I really really needed to; nothing. Then to top it all off, I went on this coughing spree. Cough, roll over, cough, uncover, cough, cover up. At this point, I was pissed. I didn't want to wake up my husband, normally he's the one that has a tough time getting to sleep so I laid there and waited for the moment for him to move, roll over... something... so I could slip out of bed and get up and, I don't know... do something other than just lay there with my eyes wide open. He didn't budge. Not a bit. So I waited, looking at the clock (now 4:48am). I guess at some point I was able to dose off while I waited for him to move. Next thing I knew, the alarm is sounding my wake-up call at 6:30am. Now, I'm surprised that I just didn't roll over and hit the snooze or better yet, throw the damn thing across the room. This told me that I had never even really been asleep. So, I got up. Went in the kitchen to let out the mutt, fed her, made coffee and proceeded to wake up my loved ones (being Joel and Faith). So I go in on the couch and sit there, looking at the clock wondering how it is that I'm going to make it through my work day on 1 1/2 hrs of sleep. Not only that, but knowing in my mind that there won't be a nap afterwards since I'll have Faith's caseworker here and then have Faith to contend with for the rest of the evening. So I call in. Of course I sound half dead beings that I only got an 1 1/2 sleep and actually wasn't feeling well on top of it all, more than likely because I got no sleep. I felt bad, guilty even for even calling in. But really... what good would I do them anyways? They gonna pay me to sit there and be a zombie for 8 hours? I hated it even more to know that my husband goes through this all the time. Guilt for that too, not understanding how he could just call in and stay in bed. This is the kicker though.... it's now 10:18am and do you believe that I still can't get to sleep. It's official, I've now been up 24 hrs. I've done it before, but today it's getting on my nerves. No reason, no explanation... just can't sleep.

Ok, now I know I'm delusional...... I've just blogged an entire section on sleep. Time to try this again, I guess.

Summer Time

2007-04-21T12:54:00.000-04:00

I have a vision.

The outside of the house needs color. Now I'm not the green-thumb kinda girl, but these I think I can do. Seen a commercial on TV of these flowers that you just roll out and boom.. they grow. No planting, no digging, no dirty fingers.... roll and water then you have color. I love anything that effortless.

Today we went out and cleaned up the front of the outside a bit. We don't have much of a yard, but what we do have needed trimmed and cleaned up. It's starting to look nice already. The landlord is coming next week to pressure wash the front of the house and then we're going to pick up some new porch furniture. I'm gonna try my hand at these roll flowers and then we're going to get some grass seed where the dog has somehow made the grass disappear. I get excited this time of year. Love being outdoors with the sun. It's not too hot and not too cold, but I fear that maybe Joel's love of this time of the year isn't quite as shared. He came out and helped clean out the front, actually he had the worse part... picking up the dog poop. It's actually cute though, he gets on his blue gloves and is just a good lil pooper picker-upper. I'm hoping that after he reads this he won't appoint that my new job duty. It won't happen, I can't even stand to look at the stuff. The only poop I can do is baby poop, and that's only if it's my baby.

So we're off to WalMart some time today, maybe tomorrow, to pick up some stuff to get this venture started. Summer Time rocks!

2007-04-19T00:15:00.001-04:00

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.

In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved.

You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please.

Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.

In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH night

2007-04-13T21:01:00.000-04:00

I'm bored and cannot wait for bed.... too much Spongebob can do that to a person. No interaction with anyone over the age of 8 yrs old.... maybe I'll just call it a night now.

Backstabbing &#@^$

2007-04-13T20:38:00.000-04:00

Work today was horrible.

Started off well. I had an agenda and my goal was to get everything done. Around 10am my Supervisor asked to talk to me about a few things. Immediately I start thinking if there had been something I had said to make this happen. Couldn't think of a thing.

So she tells me that there are a few things that I will be assisting Human Resource to complete. I was fine with that, even smiled a bit thinking that it was a good thing. Then she hit me with the fact of someone going to the Administrator about personal email.

To make a long story short: The new HR Director (not there even 2 months yet) had been having an absolute horrible day at work on Friday (Friday before Easter weekend). I told her it would get better and decided to send her off an E-Card for a "picker upper", ya know just to make her smile. I had realized since I signed up for the E-Card service under my personal email I should probably tell her that she would be getting an email and may not recognize the addy. So when confronted, I recalled this incident. Now granted, I do access my hotmail from work between work tasks but it's not like I sit and send emails all day long. Anyways, I felt horrible. I knew I was in the wrong and shouldn't have done it on company time. I forwarded an email to the Administrator apologizing for my behavior. I thought that the HR Director more than likely had mentioned to someone the E-Card I sent to cheer her up and that person went to the Administrator voicing that I must have too much free time on my hands. Like it takes more than 2 minutes to forward an E-Card.

I was alright with the confrontation as I knew that I was in the wrong; actually felt like a complete ass. However towards the end of the day the HR Director came over to fax something. I had a magazine laying on my desk and mentioned to her that I'd be putting in an order and told her if she wanted to look through it and wanted something I would include her order. She barked at me that I was soliciting and that it wasn't allowed. Argh! I don't get squat for putting in the order, just was trying to be nice. So much for that.

Maybe it was her that ran her mouth. From now on I'll work to work, no personal business at all or any type of conversation other than work. Think they'll get the picture then? I'm still pissed about it.

Easter Saturday & Sunday

2007-04-08T23:31:00.000-04:00

That's right.... 2 Easter days!

Actually Easter dinner was held on Saturday with family, today however I spent it all alone with my husband. Well aside from this morning before I took Faith to her daddy. After dropping Faith off we decided to swing into Blockbuster to pick up a few movies. We then came home after grabbing a Starbucks (well, a few Starbucks. Long story short: They got my coffee wrong, I wasn't happy, I complained, they gave me not one to correct the incorrect but also two coupons for our next trip back. Needless to say I'm high on coffee at 11pm. Who says it doesn't pay to be a bitch sometimes). We nestled into our couch positions and watched two movies; "Her Minor Thing" and then "Addicted to Love". Both were cute, but I have to admit the second was so good we decided to head out to Video World across town and pick up a few more. We then came home (with pizza) and watched "Partner(s)"... we haven't yet watched the 4th which is called "Town & Country", which seems like it's going to be good; well aside from the fact that Garry Shandling stars in it. Hopefully he plays the jackass, honestly he'd be portraying himself. He just gets on my nerves. The upside is that Diane Keaton is in it and I just adore her. Good Lord I hope I look that well at age 60. Actually I wish I looked that well now! Eh, I guess in Hollywood anything is possible.

So that's been my weekend. Cooked most of Saturday and had our Easter dinner.... and today rest and relax with my hubby. I must say today has been the end to a perfect weekend (aside from all the cooking, that is).

Happy Easter

2007-04-06T21:28:00.000-04:00

Eh, stuff.....

2007-04-03T22:05:00.000-04:00

There's not much really to say, except maybe a slight guilt for not posting in almost a week. A week? Wow, what a slacker I've turned into, eh? :)

I did recieve news on the WLS, actually have known that for awhile and just realized that I hadn't posted about it yet. It's a go. The stupid insurance girl that I spoke to told me that Dr Nease was not in network, but that turned out to be false. The insurance girl from Dr Nease's office called and he IS in network so that was pretty great news. I actually recieved my first bill from his office. Ugh. Not so great news. They only paid $14 of the bill which means I'm obligated to pay $201.60; now the way I understand it I'll have to pay 80% up to $1100 then they'll pick up from there. Now if I'm understanding that correctly, then "YIPPEE"; however since insurance companies refuse to convey to you in Layman terms what's covered and what's not, I'm going to forward this info to the insurance lady from Dr. Nease's office. I'm sure she'll make better sense of it then I can. Meanwhile, on the back end of things I'm getting ready to do my 2nd eval with my PCP on the 23rd and also working on scheduling the dietician. I've opted to travel to Huntington to complete that, I figure that one whom has dealt with Dr Nease's patients before is gonna know exactly what needs to be done. I'd hate to go to some bozo up here and they end up not providing the info that the insurance requires. Besides, I'd rather deal with his close by affiliates as opposed to someone he doesn't know. I also have to get more blood work and also another EKG. He wants to be sure that the "abnormal" EKG was from lead placement rather than something we need to check into a bit more. I'll feel a bit more comfortable about it all once Jackie (Dr Nease's insurance girl) reads over the email I got about coverage. I swear I can't make heads or tails of it. Want to feel as dumb as a rock? Get an email from your insurance company who is trying to explain your benefits. Out of network, in network, in network deductible, out of network deductible.... who can make heads or tails of it? Blah, I'll leave that up to the professionals. All I care to hear is "Yes". If I hear anything other than that, there's liable to be bloodshed. No names given.... yet.

Other then that, home life is... well, wonderful. There's absolutely nothing I can complain about there. OHHHHHH, hold up. I do wanna whine a bit here. My husband, yes that wonderful handsome sweet man that I married..... first let me just say the man didn't even realize that Sunday is Easter. With that said; I find out that he has Friday AND Monday off...... eh, get this..... paid. ARGH!!!! How is that even right? I work both days and we don't even get Easter as a paid holiday. "Because everyone doesn't celebrate Easter". Well la te da. I do, hence I should get it at least paid. Yeah. And the work day off before Easter to clean my house and get ready for the feast. Well, as Joel's dad used to say; "Wish in one hand......." I advised my husband since he has Friday off then he should be a good little husband and clean up the house a bit. I snickered as I said it, but actually kind of meant it. He went beyond snickering, he bellowed with laughter. I told him I was kinda of being serious, he continued to bellow with laughter. I'll remember that when we're old and gray and my husband does a do-do in his Depend and he yells for his loving wife.... we'll see who'll be bellowing with laughter then!

Work is, well work. What can I say? It's not bad and it's not great. If it were bad I'd sob every night like I did when I worked at Allegheny, if it were great then I'd be able to make the money I am now (or more) and do it from home. Have my husband for lunch.... er uh, eat lunch with my husband (sorry, did I say that out loud? My bad) and then just go into another room when the work day was complete. Thinking about that just makes me wonder... I could probably do that if I were to move in with one of the residents. Ack! Nah, I'll drive to work and drive home. Yeah that's a great idea.

Well that's the scoop. I'll keep an update as I'm sure I have at least one avid follower.... NOT.

It's A Wonderful Life!

2007-03-29T09:55:00.000-04:00

The past couple of days have been amazing. Joel and I have been able to spend some great times together. No matter what may happen in his day or my day, it seems once we close the front door of our home it's all behind us. We laugh and love no matter how our day has ended. The evening always turns a new leaf.

Take yesterday for example; after work we head out to Blockbuster to pick up movies for our "Movie Night". On the way he begins to tell me about this little coffee shop he's stopped by the past couple of times he's went out of town. So, he starts telling me a lot about these folks. He knows it's a young married couple, they are looking to open another shop more local to us, where the husband works, and how the wife is originally from Montana.... SCREETCH.... umm, yeah the jealous twinge begins. After that I heard mention how he had talked to them about doing a web page for them, yada yada. The sad thing is my mind automatically went into thinking "green" (ya know, jealousy). Anyways, I sat there and heard... not really listening as my mind was completely working overtime on this one.... then I blurt out "Well, what makes you think that this stupid coffee shop will do so well around here? Don't those idiots know we have Starbucks in town?" He was a bit shocked, needless to say. He replied "How do you know they're idiots?" As you can imagine the fact that I thought he was coming to their defense, or more yet... HER defense... did not go over well at all. My entire point is this; there was a silence there for a bit. I knew as soon as I blurted out what I did I had made an ass out of myself. He, of course, was more than likely in shock about my reaction but it was within 5 minutes that we were back to laughing and joking. That is, until the redhead at Starbucks. Yeah, well let's just say that my husband is very understanding and patient with me on my insecurity and jealousy and I have to say that on those bad days is when I realize just what a lucky woman I really am.

The rest of the evening was spent watching TV and a movie, aside from the time that my husband refuses to watch American Idol with me. In that time he got in a few rounds of his computer game, but as soon as Idol went off he was right in there holding and kissing me.

Oh yes, It is a wonderful life!

2007-03-22T22:50:00.000-04:00

The Importance of Desire

2007-03-22T09:01:00.000-04:00

I've never really had the need to feel desired, never even really thought about the importance of it. But as of late, I'm realizing that I, as does everyone, have the need to feel desired. It was so much the furthest thing from my mind that I had to actually look up the "proper" meaning from the dictionary.

desire =
1. to wish or long for; crave; want.
2. to express a wish to obtain; ask for; request.
3. a longing or craving, as for something that brings satisfaction or enjoyment.
4. an expressed wish; request.

After much pondering the issues with desire, I realize that I face this dreaded word on a daily basis. Not only in relationships with loved ones, but also at my place of work. I want to be desired, I want people to need me there as well as at home. If I wasn't needed, then I wouldn't be an attribute to them... therefore I wouldn't have a job.

So everyday everyone has the need to be desired, more so in certain circumstances than in others. When you don't have the feeling of desire then it makes a person feel worthless, insignificant, valueless, repulsive..... not attractive, not needed. I don't need any help in those areas, I feel that all on my own.

So as little as I've thought about it in the past..... desire is something that affects each and everyone of us, whether it be in a relationship or at a workplace.

It is important.

What Is This World Coming To???

2007-03-19T14:44:00.000-04:00

WASHINGTON - A high school principal was acting reasonably and in accord with the school's anti-drug mission when she suspended a student for displaying a "Bong Hits 4 Jesus" banner, her lawyer told the Supreme Court Monday.
"The message here is, in fact, critical," the lawyer, former independent counsel Kenneth Starr, said during a lively argument about whether the principal violated the constitutional rights of the student.
On the other side, attorney Douglas Mertz of Juneau, Alaska, urged the justices to see the case as being about free speech, not drugs.
Justice Stephen Breyer, addressing Mertz, said he is struggling with the case because a ruling in Frederick's favor could encourage students to go to absurd lengths to test those limits.
A ruling for Morse, however, "may really limit free speech," Breyer said.

Emotional Me

2007-03-18T11:57:00.000-04:00

I feel sad today. I feel frustrated and agitated. I woke up this way.

I haven't felt like this in awhile and I'm proud of myself for that, but it seems to be making up for lost time. Maybe it was the trip to Huntington and the thought of possibly not having this surgery. I'm pissed that I've come so close and even though I don't want to give up hope it seems to so easily come to me. Things don't typically go the way I wish, of course this past year and a half that has changed. Maybe this will happen? Maybe I need to go over hurdles to appreciate it more when/if it does happen.

I especially don't like looking in the mirror today. I hate the way I look and the way I feel. I've been trying to keep busy since we got back into town, doing house stuff, watching TV, playing games online.... but it's not working. I'm literally sick thinking about how there is a possibility that I will always look this way, feel this way about myself. Today is a day that I could crawl into bed and just cry.

I just want to love myself. For once in my life I want to love me..... that's not so bad, is it?
I really miss my Mom on days like this.

2007-03-17T20:41:00.000-04:00

One day a mother died.

And on that clear, cold morning,
In the warmth of her bedroom,
The daughter was struck with
The pain of learning that sometimes
There isn't any more.
No more hugs,
No more lucky moments to celebrate together,
No more phone calls just to chat,
No more "just one minute."
Sometimes, what we care about the most goes away.
Never to return before we can say good-bye,
Say "I Love You."
So while we have it . . it's best we love it . .
And care for it and fix it when it's broken
And take good care of it when it's sick.

This is also true for marriage .... And friendship ..

2007-03-17T14:13:00.000-04:00

SUCKS

That's right folks.... my insurance sucks, sucks, S U C K S!!!!

I guess you've ventured to guess that the update I have on my adventure isn't much to brag about. The seminar was awesome and the folks I met were great.... however the morning of my appointment with Dr Nease I called my insurance and found out that Dr Nease isn't in "their network". I just don't understand insurance companies. I mean you pay them what they choose to charge you on a monthly basis, yet THEY get to decide what doctors you can see. It's not right.

I was so upset that Dr Nease wasn't in their network, granted they'll still pay a portion of what the surgery would be (if the surgery were $5000 - which is definitly not the price we're dealing with- then the insurance company will only pay $1500).

As bad as I hate to, I'm considering exploring surgeons that are "in their network" and see how well I like them. I'm not at all happy with this as I had already pretty much made up my mind just after email transactions and phone conversations that these were the type of people I'd love to deal with.....

This is going to be a much longer road then what I had hoped... and unfortunatley it looks as though I may come across a lot of "STOP" signs along the way.

Off To See The Wizard...

2007-03-15T00:12:00.000-04:00

... the wonderful wizard of Huntington

Well tomorrow is the big day. We leave for Huntington for the WLS seminar. I'm so excited, and actually getting a bit nervous. Not about the surgery itself, but about possibility of NOT being approved. I will truly be disappointed if something falls through on this. So far everything has been running so smoothly, it's almost scary.

So tomorrow evening is the seminar, from 6pm-8pm and then Friday I meet with the surgeon Dr. Nease. Even sounds like a nice name, eh? I hope he's nice and understanding. You'd think to do what he's doing he'd have to be.

Update tomorrow evening. Send me wishes of luck my friends :)

I'm Straight

2007-03-11T23:17:00.000-04:00

Calm down. It's not some big huge announcment of sexuality. Now if the title were "I'm Gay"..... I'd grant the worry.

:rolling eyes:

I reversed my perm. Yup. After spending $60 to get curls, I spent an additional $5 to buy another perm to comb it through to take out the curls. I know, sickening isn't it? I'm so glad my husband is understanding. Even though he made it a point to tell me every day how pretty my hair looked (like the young Michael Jackson, my words not his), I just couldn't take it any longer. I couldn't even run my fingers through that rats nest, let alone try to fix it any other way than an updo. Which was the ONLY way I could even consider it looking half way decent.

Lesson learned, I suppose. A $60 lesson at that. Now my hair is straighter than it was before but, as my husband says, as long as I'm happy with it (God I love that man). Most men would freak out that their wife would go and blow $60 on their hair just to pay another $5 to undo what had been done to it. Even though I'm sure I'm not the only woman that's done so, it's good to know my husband isn't "one of those". I felt badly about it and apologized that I had done such a stupid thing.... he just smiled and said it was fine and that he wasn't upset at all. Awwwwww, ain't he sweet?

I am going to have to get it trimmed up, I think. I'm not a professional at hair, but I think it did fry my ends a bit. Of course now would be the perfect oppurtunity to test that $25 shampoo and conditioner I purchased. So, I guess after all is said and done my $60 perm actually turned out to be about $125. Seeing that right after my 'fro was 'froed I ran to WalMart and picked up $35 worth of gel, mousse, spritz, and hair cream to try and get it under control. Well I tried every bit of it before going to the extreme of the straightening process. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised to know that the ends of my hair turned out a bit "crisper than normal". It's alright though. Even though I'm trying to let it grow, I know that cutting it to a length of health will only help it grow faster.

I'm just glad to "Beat It" and that I will no longer look like a character out of the "Thriller" video.

The confusion of springing forward

2007-03-11T14:44:00.000-04:00

Last night I ran through the house resetting all the clocks but when I awoke this morning our electric must have went out because the alarm clock was flashing noon. I immediately hopped out of bed thinking I had overslept (strange feeling, especially when you realize it's Sunday). I went from room to room to room. The computer said 11:20am, the cell phones said 10:20am, the clocks I set back said 10:20am. I was in a sleepy panic, dunno why but I was. Come to find out my husband had manually sprung forward on the computer because I told him it wouldn't work by itself (so they said). Funny thing was, is that it did. So needless to say the computer was an hour ahead of what it really was. I guess technology is much smarter then what we give it credit for.... scary.
__________________________________________________________________
"You wake up in the morning, and your purse is magically filled with twenty-four hours of un-manufactured tissue of the universe of your life! It is yours. It is the most precious of possessions. No one can take it from you. And no one receives either more or less than you receive."
- Arnold Bennett

Ugh. What was America thinking???

2007-03-08T21:39:00.000-05:00

Pure dismay. I cannot even believe what happened tonight. Sundance and Sabrina get kicked and Sanjaya and Haley get to stay?? Haley wasn't too bad, but Sabrina was definitely better.

One good thing.... that skanky ho Antonella got booted. Yeah America for doing that.

I guess I shouldn't bitch too much, I don't even vote. Ah well, it's a way to waste an hour of my evening.

I'm tellin ya... it's addictive like heroin

2007-03-07T21:07:00.000-05:00

Not that I know what heroin is like, but I needed to make a point. Much to my dismay, I've become interested in....... are you sitting? American Idol :wide eyes with a deep sigh: I honestly believe they send vibes through the television set so you'll stay tuned.

The very first season (Kelly Clarkson) I was definitly an avid watcher. It was new and I love music, so yes.... for an hour I sat in front of the TV watching these people get up and sing their little hearts out. After the first season came Clay and Ruppert (I don't think that's right, but he wasn't very memorable), I couldn't stand it any longer. I stopped watching after the first season. Didn't know a thing about it after Kelly.

So this season I decided to watch the tryouts for one reason, and one reason only; to watch people make fools of themselves. And I must admit, that was not disappointing. You just gotta wonder what some of these fools think? I mean... come on. It should be a requirement that these people are mandated to record themselves and listen before they audition. Good Lord. It was a load of laughs though. So after the initial tryouts, I kind of lost interest. It wasn't until the American Idol buzz started at work that I became curious.

I watched another episode to see what all the ho hum was about. I couldn't believe some of the voices of those girls on the show. I immediately became a fan of Gina Glocksen.

She wasn't only talented, but seemed very sweet and genuine. Plus she wasn't a little teeny bopper looking for an easy way to the top. Another thing that I liked about her was her teeth. Yeah, I know.... I'm strange. But she has a BEAUTIFUL smile. I guess being a Dental Hygenist has it's perks. But ya know, here's this girl who has a great career and decides to try out for American Idol. This, to me means she has a dream. I liked her the best...... well, until I heard Lakisha Jones

This is another one. I mean here's this girl going against all odds. Older with a 3-year old daughter trying to make an honest living working at a bank and best yet.... the voice on her sends chills. Now I'm undecided on who I want to win.

Last night I tuned in to the "guys". What a huge disappointment. Good gravy, how in the hell did some of these dudes make it to final round? "When Phil Stacy started his Leanne Rimes song (that in itself was a very strange choice), my mouth hit the floor and it wasn't because of the overwhelming voice he bellowed. It was a mouth dropping "Oh My Gawd, how in the hell did this dude get this far??" The only one that sang decent last night of the guys was Chris Sligh

Now this guy you gotta like. I mean he doesn't even "look" like an idol and you don't even expect this voice when he opens his mouth but yeah.... he's definitly my favorite.

Now the reason why I say that American Idol is like heroin is simply because everyone and their brother is watching it (except my husband... he refuses even though I offered to get on bended knees begging, um yeah... that's it, begging :grin:). Today a few co-workers and I went out for lunch. So we're sitting there talking about the competition last night and the next table there's an older gent (probably in his 50's or 60's) that puts his 2 cents in on our conversation. I had to laugh because he says that he watches it religously with his wife. Now this is funny. Here are a couple of seniors sitting around watching American Idol..... aren't they supposed to be watching CNN or something?

So, um yeah. I guess I'm addicted. I watched it Tuesday night and tonight.... how could I possibly miss tomorrow night when they kick off 2 contestants?? Not gonna happen. All I can say they better not boot my girl Gina or Lakisha (not a doubt that she'll be leaving) OR Chris for that matter. I honestly don't think there's a guy on stage that stands a chance against this group of girls.

We'll see what tomorrow night brings.

The flip side to wishes....

2007-03-06T21:10:00.000-05:00

Pukey Perm & Poor Puppy

2007-03-04T17:56:00.000-05:00

A bit of drama this weekend.

First I went Saturday for a spiral perm. I've really been looking forward to this because the last time I had a spiral perm, it turned out AWESOME! Of course one of my good friends from high school did it, but regardless it was an awesome perm. Well, needless to say yesterday's experience wasn't so awesome. Can you say poodle? Umm, yeah. I was NOT happy. I had to practically run out of the shop after paying to avoid blubbering all over the place. Went straight to WalMart and got as many "curl" solutions I could. Anything to calm this 'fro down. I was hysterical. I've never ever had a bad perm. I had one that didn't last, but never one where I ended up looking like a rejected 1970 Michael Jackson.
Of course my husband was supportive, I didn't expect him to be anything but that. He now has learned one thing very important about me though..... and that is I'm very VERY particuliar when it comes to my hair. Makeup.... pfft, could go without. Clothes.... pffft, I buy at WalMart. Shoes..... pffft, the cheaper the better. My hair, on the other hand...... it's a law that I'm comfortable wearing what's on my head. After getting home it took me all but 10 minutes to hop into the shower to try to wash this poodle puff out. Didn't work. I called the salon "incognito" where I usually get my hair done, explained my situation to one of the girls there (NOT the one that usually cuts my hair, she told me not to do this). They had no suggestions. So I hop online out of pure desperation and found some things to try. Thing is, I had really no clue if my hair could withstand what the suggestions for a bad perm were. I called again today and identified myself. It was the same girl I had spoken to yesterday. She remembered me and I asked her if I stopped in if she would take a look at my hair and see if it would be safe to reverse the perm (for those of you who don't know, if you take a perm and squirt the solution on your hair you can straighten it by combing it continuously for the same amount of time it took for the perm to set and then rinse and apply the second bottle and comb as well for about 5 or so minutes. A lot less damaging than buying the "hair straightener" solution, not to mention much cheaper). I left immediately after talking with her so I could try this before our lunch (we were supposed to meet friends for a fun Sunday afternoon... bowling and Chinese lunch buffet) so I didn't feel like I should go sporting bell bottoms and a large collar shag shirt (again please refer the 1970 Michael Jackson photo above). Go to the salon and the girl said it looks like the only thing the perm did was dry my ends a bit that I may have to get it trimmed but that it was safe to reverse the perm. Meanwhile another girl mentioned trying Pert first.

She said that it worked on a project while she was in beauty school that the Pert actually made a perm set. So she suggested I try that. I did. It didn't.

Meanwhile when we came home from our little visit to the salon and then WalMart to pick up Pert Shilo decided to bolt out the door upon our return. We were going to put the bags down and get settled and then I would go back out to get her. Before I could I hear her yelping and crying and a screetch of tires. I ran out to find a bus driving away (a smaller bus, like a church bus or a handicap bus) and poor little Shilo sitting against the neighbors car across the street. Several people came out from their house and ran over to her. Joel ran across and I immediately ran inside to get the keys so I could chase down the bastard bus driver that hit her and didn't have the courtesy to even stop. Needless to say I couldn't find him. Drove around the neighborhood for the better part of an hour, no luck. We called the law and got the information we needed to see if there's anything we could do. Luckily one of the neighbors witnessed the entire thing. Shilo, on the other hand is very lucky. Her back leg is a bit scared and cut up but other than that she seems fine. She hasn't been as lively as she usually is but that's to be expected. She's not eating but she does seem to want to play a little. That's a real good sign. So next Sunday around 11am I will be sitting in our vehicle at the entrance of our neighborhood waiting for the bastard bus driver that hit our puppy and didn't even stop. If anything, at least it will make me feel better to ream him a bit.

As for the perm? Well we ran back out to get baby aspirin and a wrap for Shilo's leg so I picked up a perm. I'll tempt that fate tomorrow. We'll see. Unfortunatly our lunch date with our friends didn't happen but they were very understanding. Too bad too, I had been looking forward to it all week. On the other hand, I think my husband was thankful that he didn't have to go bowling. What a lil party pooper.

Only Two Items On My List

2007-02-27T21:35:00.000-05:00

I'd like to think of myself as a bargin shopper, however there's no use in going to the store with only two items on your list. A little word from the wise.

Today towards the end of my work day I decided that I would stop by Family Dollar on the way home to pick up a "few" things (few, meaning 2 items). Now why on Earth I would think I could go to Family Dollar and really only leave with 2 items is beyond me. I had Lysol wipes and brillo pads on my list, that's right.... it's an exciting life I lead.

Of course to get to the isle where these items are I have to pass through clothing. I see the cutest little dress for Faith and it's only $10. Next thing I knew, it just jumped right in the buggy. Next through the men's apparrel. Of couse I want my honey to look dashing so I pick up a nice blue (NOT "baby blue" grrrr.) shirt for him. At $7.99 who could resist? Another item that jumped into my possession. I did grab the 2 items on my list which meant my goal had been accomplished. Wrong. How could I not do a complete walk through this store seeing that I had already had two great deals scream my name?? So, I did. Don't even ask what made it into my buggy when I walked through the "Home Decor" isles. Let's just say my "Chinese" theme in our computer room has now been completed. Then the visions started to appear.

Joel had mentioned about looking for a loveseat to put back in the computer room so when he was able to download movies onto the computer (legally, of course) we could have a comfy spot to do our couch snuggle. I had a vision. While making my way across this wonderful landscape called Family Dollar, I had found furniture covers. Cheap and very colorful. What more could a girl ask for?

I called him.

"Whatcha doin baby" (me). "Oh nothin, just sat down to watch my Star Trek" (him). "Oh" (me). "Why, what's up? Where are you? Are you coming home soon?" (him). "Yeah, I just had to pick up a few things at Family Dollar but I'll be home shortly. Ummm, you'll never believe what awesome Chinese stuff they've gotten in since the last time I was here!" (me, with excitement). "Oh yeah? Pretty nice stuff, eh?" (him). "Awesome stuff. So ummmm, I thought maybe I'd pick it up before they sold it all." (me). "Oh ok baby. (laughs) Well come home soon so we can watch our movie" (him). "Well ummmm, I was just thinking.... remember how the other day you mentioned it would be really cool to see about getting a loveseat for the computer room so we could watch movies back there?" (me, in the sweetest softest voice I could do). "Yeah?" (him). "Well, I was thinking we could run over this evening and see if maybe Goodwill has anything? I mean if they do then we should pick it up cuz it might go pretty quick. What do you think?" (me, still carrying that soft sweet voice). "Oh baby, not tonight. I really don't wanna go out but we could do it Thursday" (him). "Oh, well ok. Or maybe we'll just wait till the weekend." (me, trying to sound decievingly disappointed). "Sounds good baby. Well, are you coming home now?" (him) "Yeah, I'm gettin ready to check out here in a few. I'll see you in a bit. I love you." (me, with a dramatic sigh). "I love you too baby, be careful" (him).

I head up to checkout with my buggy overflowing. Reminding you that I walked into this store with two, yes 2, items on my list. I never understand how I can spend so much at Family Dollar. It's more addicting then ice cream (which I hate). With packages loaded, I sit in the drivers seat and grin. I'm thinking here. Grinning always helps my thoughts. Eh, not always but when it comes to decorating and bargins.... I grin a lot. I look down at the gas gauage and it's almost empty. Family Dollar is right next to a perfectly fine gas station, but I'm thinking Sheetz for gasoline. Besides it's right next to the Goodwill. Grinning again.

Needless to say, not only did I find great stuff at Family Dollar but I brought home a loveseat that I purchased at the Goodwill for $24.99!!!! With that furniture throw from Family Dollar we'll be sporting sleek, yet cheap, decor.

Never let it be said that shopping can't be fun!

2007-02-26T22:13:00.001-05:00

2007-02-22T21:42:00.000-05:00

I am so excited tonight. It's been a great day. The work day seemed to go on FOREVER, but I did get good news after work.

I finally had the oppurtunity to call my insurance company to see if they cover the WLS.

THEY DO!!!! WHIPEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! I'm so excited it's hard to contain. I know that I'll have to go through hurdles to get this, but this is much further than I got the last time. I emailed Sylvia at the clinic to let her know it's covered. I cannot wait to get her reaction.

Actually the coverage is pretty good. I pay the first $400 then after that I pay 20% only up to $4000 then after that they'll pay 100%. So if you think about it, the most this $30,000 surgery is gonna cost me will be $4400. I'd get a second job to pay $4400 to be skinny! HELL YEAH!!!!

Ok, I'm gonna go check out all the skinny people on the WLS website.... hopefully my picture will be up there one day!!!! Just think.... I'll be comfortable enough to actually get my picture taken!!!

Thoughts

2007-02-20T09:35:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I wish I didn't think. Actually wish I couldn't think. The thoughts that run through my head sometimes literally make me ill. It's not even like I have to put any effort into thinking this way, they're just there. Without any reason, without any cause and without a doubt they control my day.

Today isn't going to be a good day. I already know, because the thoughts have made their debut. It will be a long day, it always is when this happens. Long and torturing. Tormenting every minute. It's hard for me to concentrate on work, hard for me to think anything other than these thoughts. I wish that I had an On/Off button for my mind.... this would be one time that the switch would be switched down.

I just wish that there was someone who could understand why these thoughts appear out of nowhere. He trys. He trys so hard, but most of the time he's involved with these thoughts so needless to say it's hurtful to him. I hate that the most out of anything. Hurting him. I could deal with hurt just fine, it's been a way of life for me for so long but I cannot stand the fact that I hurt the person I love the most in this world.

I just want the thoughts to stop.

The phone rang....

2007-02-19T15:35:00.000-05:00

I had to blog about this as my excitement is too much to just sit here for the remaining part of the day without somehow telling it. Needless to say, it's nothing I feel need to be any of my co-workers business.

I finally got a promising call from a physician's office about the WLS. I'm excited. Trying not to get too excited but cannot contain it. She was very nice and invited Joel and I to attend a seminar. Said that it's actually a requirement before anything. First things first, I have to contact my insurance company to see if they cover WLS. God, I hope so. I meant to ask her if they have some kind of payment plan for those of whom cannot get the surgery approved through insurance. Surprisingly, upon my search I was able to find a few doctors that do provide payment plans for those of whom cannot get it through an insurance company. She was very very nice and is sending me more info. Said that the local hotel even gives discounts for those of whom come into town to attend his seminar. That would be nice. Joel and I out of town for a night. Alone and hangin at the hotel with NO computer!!! Woo Hoo!!! Oh yes, and of course the seminar. OOOOOO I'm getting too excited, gotta stop thinking about it.

Will update on this when I find out more!

My Thoughts Exactly

2007-02-17T19:53:00.000-05:00

Pajama Weekend

2007-02-17T08:47:00.000-05:00

Well, I've made a decision.

It's 8:48am on Saturday, I've been up since 6:30am. Not by choice. Shiloh decides that when she wants to go out, that's it. She barks until you get up to let her out. I do this. Throw her out and lock the door. Maybe she'll run away. Kidding. I try to go back to bed, but I can't keep my mind from thinking what all I could be doing instead of just laying there with my eyes open. Shiloh starts barking, as she is now. Stupid dog. So I get out of bed and let her in, feed her and try the sleep thing again. Nope. Not happening.

So I get up, 6:30am remind you, and stumble to the coffee pot muttering under my breath how I was an idiot to want a dog and remembering the peaceful mornings when I wasn't awoken by barking and whining. Those were the days. Good Lord I hope she grows out of that. As spoken by my wonderful spousel subject.... "Maybe we're just not animal people."

I'm awake and as I explained a million things are running through my head of what I could be doing instead of laying there in the bed with my eyes open. There's no waking Joel, he's oblivious to the awaken world.

I've now been awake almost 2 1/2 hours. Wanna know what I've gotten accomplished?

1.) Threw the mutt out (several times)
2.) Fed the mutt
3.) Made coffee
4.) Downloaded 3 songs
5.) Started the washing machine (rewashing clothes that have been in there a week that completely forgot about. That's not a goal accomplished, just so you know.)
6.) Got Faith outta bed and sat her in front of the cartoon Saturday ganza (more specifically that little Spanish speaking hussie, Dora and her incest cousin Diego. I swear if "Hola" is the first word out of my daughters mouth......)
7.) This blog entry

Now, not exactly something to brag about accomplishing when you go back Monday morning and talk about your weekend and tell the girls you were up at 6:30 Saturday morning. I mean I should have conquered world hunger or something, ya know?

My decision? I'm staying in pajama's all weekend. If I have to go out there better be a drive-thru for wherever I go cuz I ain't putting on no street clothes. Granted, I'll shower... change out of my dirty pajama's and put on clean pajama's but there's definitly gonna be a pajama party happenin up in here!

I'm done.

How Love Keeps You Healthy

2007-02-16T10:35:00.000-05:00

It doesn't just make you feel good — it can fight disease, boost immunity, and lower stress.
By Sarah Mahoney, Prevention magazine

Who doesn't love being in love? A true Valentine listens to you vent about work, lets you have that last slice of pizza, and (usually) remembers to take out the trash. He doesn't expect you to watch the Super Bowl. And he always thinks you're sexy, even in thermal underwear and bunny slippers.

Scientists have long been keen to prove that love gives us health benefits, too—beyond the obvious advantage of always having a date for New Year's Eve. Researchers can't say for sure that romance trumps an affectionate family or warm friendships when it comes to wellness. But they are homing in on how sex, kinship, and caring all seem to make us stronger, with health gains that range from faster healing and better control over chronic illnesses to living longer.

The benefits of love are explicit and measurable:
A study last year from the University of Pittsburgh found that women in good marriages have a much lower risk of cardiovascular disease than those in high-stress relationships.The National Longitudinal Mortality Study, which has been tracking more than a million subjects since 1979, shows that married people live longer, have fewer heart attacks and lower cancer rates, and even get pneumonia less frequently than singles. And a new study from the University of Iowa found that ovarian cancer patients with a strong sense of connection to others and satisfying relationships had more vigorous "natural killer" cell activity at the site of the tumor than those who didn't have those social ties. (These desirable white blood cells kill cancerous cells as part of the body's immune system.)

Some experts think it won't be long before doctors prescribe steamy sex, romantic getaways, and caring communication in addition to low-cholesterol diets and plenty of rest. If that sounds like a happy Rx, here are ways to make the emerging evidence translate into real-life advice.

The Benefits of Bear Hugs
Doctors at the University of North Carolina have found that hugging may dramatically lower blood pressure and boost blood levels of oxytocin, a relaxing hormone that plays a key role in labor, breastfeeding, and orgasms.

Researchers asked couples to sit close to one another and talk for 10 minutes, then share a long hug; afterward they found positive, albeit small, changes in both blood pressure and oxytocin.
But the power of frequent daily hugging was intense: The women with the highest oxytocin levels had systolic blood pressure that was 10 mm/Hg lower than women with low oxytocin levels—an improvement similar to the effect of many leading blood pressure medications, says Kathleen Light, PhD, a professor of psychiatry at UNC and one of the study's authors.
"Getting more daily hugs from their husbands was related to higher oxytocin, and so the hugs were indirectly related to lower blood pressure," she says. Men didn't get the blood pressure benefit from hugging. But don't feel bad for him: He probably gets the same health gains from steady sex that you do from daily snuggling.

A 2002 study from the University of Bristol in England found that men who had sex two or more times a week cut their risk of having a fatal heart attack in half. And a recent study from the National Cancer Institute found that men who ejaculate frequently may be protecting themselves against prostate cancer.

The hormone oxytocin has been linked to trust, and it helps women bond with everyone from newborns to stockbrokers. But its biggest benefit may turn out to be physical. Breastfeeding has been definitively linked to both lower breast cancer rates and the slower growth of some breast cancer cells; researchers speculate that oxytocin may be responsible.

"It is safe to say that oxytocin is linked to emotional as well as physical closeness in partners," Light says. "And while the healing power of this connection is not yet proven, we think it will be soon."

Oxytocin also surges through the bodies of men and women during orgasm. But whether sex itself directly improves women's health is still not certain. One of the most concrete connections comes from a study by Carl J. Charnetski, PhD, a professor of psychology at Wilkes University and coauthor of Feeling Good Is Good for You.

In 2004, he measured the immune function of 112 college students, many of whom were in close, loving relationships. Those who had sex with their partner once or twice a week had significantly higher amounts of immunoglobulin A, an antibody that is the body's first line of defense in fighting off disease and infections, than those who had sex less than once a week or not at all.

Although making sure you have weekly sex is great health advice, more isn't necessarily better. Charnetski was surprised to discover that the immune systems of those who had sex three or more times a week were no better off than the no-sex-at-all group. Maybe, he theorizes, "couples who have sex just once a week are simply in healthier, more secure relationships, and have nothing to prove."Though researchers have yet to link orgasms from masturbation to any measurable physiological gains for women, it's clear that women perceive instant health benefits.
Carol Rinkleib Ellison, PhD, a marriage counselor and sex researcher in Oakland, CA, and author of Women's Sexualities, surveyed 2,632 women from their teens to their 90s and found that two-thirds had masturbated in the previous month. Although most cited the obvious ("because it feels good"), many also gave specific health-related reasons for double-clicking their own mouse—39% said it relaxed them, 32% said it helped them sleep, and 9% said it eased menstrual cramps.

Steady sex may also make women healthier by making relationships happier: When couples are content with their sexual status quo, they've eliminated a big—and extremely stressful—area of conflict. While sex is hardly the only (or even the best) measure of how happy a couple is, it is a kind of romantic superglue.

Researchers from the University of Sheffield in England interviewed 28 participants who had been married at least 20 years and found that a consistent sex life continued to be important throughout marriage.

"The majority of our participants felt that sex granted their marriage a way to express love, commitment, and trust," says Sharron Hinchliff, PhD, a psychologist researcher and author of the study. And when circumstances—a health problem or scheduling change, for instance—made it more difficult for these couples to have sex, they found a way to adapt their sex lives quickly so that they barely noticed the upheaval.

Why We Need to Feel Close
Experts are quick to point out that sex is only one aspect of connection, and not as powerful as the real magic in relationships: bonding. That sense of being united, even during bad times, is a trait that Brian Baker, a psychiatrist at the University of Toronto, calls cohesion. And his research has found that it's more important to both health and happiness than a good sex life.
In one study, he tracked 229 adults who were under job strain. Though they had higher blood pressure at the start, spouses in pleasurable marriages actually lowered systolic blood pressure by 2.5 mm/Hg over a 12-month period.

What's more, Baker says, happy couples seem to know almost instinctively that doing things together and spending more time with each other adds to their happiness. It's not that sex didn't matter to these couples. "It's one component of satisfaction," he says. "But couples who had less sex didn't seem to have any less sense of cohesion, and it was their emotional collaboration—their partnership—that kept the marriage strong."

Maybe, Ellison says, that bond is the brass ring of marriage, enabling us to build a safe cocoon in a world full of difficult bosses, too much traffic, and not enough time. "An ideal relationship gives you a place to come home and recharge your battery. Sitting down with your partner makes you feel calmer. You're in a secure nest, and you're less stressed," she says. "How could that not be good for you?"

The Love Rx
Granted, sharing a bond of closeness with your sweetheart feels magical. But a relationship can seem more like a bed of thorns than roses when he's criticizing you over the morning coffee. With the exception of Marge Simpson, most women outgrow the idea that they can change men.
But that doesn't mean relationships can't change; couples can learn to fight sweeter, replacing hostile comments with less judgmental ones. "Conflict itself is normal," says Baker, "and it's healthy—it engages couples in the relationship."

But there is a difference between healthy fighting and fighting that wears down your immunity. Studies from the University of Washington show that happy couples manage to be far more positive than negative when they're duking it out, interjecting playful jokes and affectionate pokes in the ribs.

In contrast, the I'm-ready-to-break-some-dishes-now anger that comes with fighting causes physiological changes that John Gottman, PhD, executive director of the Relationship Research Institute in Seattle, calls "flooding"; these leave heart rates too high for the couple to come to any effective solution.Researchers believe that warm interactions between couples can bring about powerful health results, even when one of the partners is battling disease. At the Fox Chase Cancer Center in Philadelphia, Sharon Manne, PhD, studied couples struggling with the wife's breast cancer diagnosis and treatment. Some couples were coached to be more supportive; others muddled through on their own.

The wives in the coached group fared better, as measured by their levels of distress and depression. And while Manne's own research has focused solely on cancer, she thinks couples can use any stressful period to find a friendlier footing.

What worked best?
"When partners learned to minimize negative comments and were responsive, and when they were willing to share their own concerns and worries, rather than pretending nothing was wrong...that can make a bad marriage good, or a good marriage even better," says Manne.
In fact, the physiological findings from love research have inspired even the skeptics to change the way they look at relationships—in the lab and at home.

"My husband is an immunologist, and when we started our research, he'd be the first to admit that he thought the psychology part of this was a crock," says Janice Kiecolt-Glaser, director of health psychology at Ohio State University's College of Medicine. "Now, he's seen what stress can do in bad relationships, and also how a good relationship can protect people from outside stresses—like work."

And it's made the two treasure the time they have to bond. "One of the things we like to do after dinner is to sit with a glass of wine, looking out over the Scioto River. It's clear to us that close relationships are incredibly helpful to our health and well-being."

Provided by Prevention

Awww

2007-02-15T21:31:00.000-05:00

My honey sent me flowers today. After boycotting V Day and all and having a "discussion" about it all I made a funny and told him that he could make it up to me if he showed up at my job wearing only a diaper, sporting some wings and carrying a bow and heart arrow. Well... I got flowers. LOL. The card said "I couldn't show up in a diaper". Cute and so sweet.

Poor thing has had such a hard week. His job is killing him. Well, more like his clients are very computer illiterate and he's been trying to teach them new software by phone conversation. Needless to say he's been on the phone most of the week supporting these folks and hasn't really been able to make headway. He decided to pay a site visit to get them straightened out. He's such a patient guy so when he gets frustrated, I know it's bad. I took him lunch today and his little eyes were so red and droopy. I knew that he was having a very bad day as soon as I saw him. I did my little "wash it off" thing, but my magic can only go so far. It's almost 10pm now and he's fighting to stay awake. I tried to tell him to call it an early night, but he doesn't sleep well to begin with so I think that he's afraid if he goes to bed this early that he won't be able to sleep a full night. I can tell he's stressed, and of course being that I do it so well.....I worry. I'm going to make his weekend especially relaxed and treat him like the king he is. I may even bow at his feet (wink).

This is what I say.....

2007-02-14T14:39:00.000-05:00

I'm officially boycotting Valentine's Day - it's no longer in existence.

Say good-bye to all the benefits reaped you card reading, flower receiving, candy biting, gold digging diamond hussies.

Pffffft - Valentines Day.

Thinking Through a Blur

2007-02-13T16:16:00.000-05:00

So here I am almost to the end of my day, not even sure if I've really gotten anything accomplished. As I sit here thinking back, it all seems to be somewhat of a blur. I did the motions of a work day and looking around at all the empty files I see that I did get a lot done, but my mind has not been here with me at all today.

It's been one of those days where bigger things took priority in my mind. The weekend, last night. Have you ever felt so confused that you're confused about your confusion? I know. Sound ridiculous, but that's how I feel today. And no matter how much I just want to stop thinking, my thoughts rule my mind as usual. I'm feeling sad and that makes me feel frustrated. The same thoughts keep running through my mind like a broken record. Maybe my ex-husband was right about me all along.... maybe I am too hard to live with. Maybe I do expect too much. Maybe it will someday come to the point that nobody will "put up with me". I used to hate it so much when he was right. I hate it even more now that I'm starting to think that what he used to say might make sense.

Maybe it is me. I mean, perhaps I am so hard to live with that it's stressful. I dunno. I don't understand a lot of things and my confusion is getting results from my thoughts. Does that even make sense?

I'm going to see my Mom today. I need to talk to her. I'm not sure why it seems that every time I go down there and sit in front of that stone that I feel she can hear me better. I miss her so much. I miss her the most when I'm feeling like this. To her I wasn't annoying, I didn't create problems that aren't there.

Do you think it's possible to love someone too much? Love them so much that you become an annoyance? My confused mind says yes.

Three Months

2007-02-11T23:01:00.000-05:00

Today makes three months Joel and I have been married. Doesn't seem that long but I suppose it's because I can't get enough of him. I love being around this man, sometimes maybe too much. And even though it doesn't seem like it's been this long in one perspective, in another I can't even remember what my life was without him.

So I search online for something that could symbolize this occasion, because while many people don't think 3 months is something to celebrate, I do. In all honesty every day to me is a day to celebrate when I wake up with him beside me. I didn't find anything aside from the "February Flower", the Violet.

I love you so much baby, thank you for making me the happiest woman in the world.
Happy "3 month" Anniversary!

_________________________________________________________

Love does not consist in gazing out at each other
but in looking together in the same direction.
Antoine De Saint Exupery

"Marriage is not a noun; it's a verb. It isn't something you get. It's something you do."
Barbara De Angelis

"Love is the dawn of marriage, and marriage is the sunset of love."
De Finod

Drivin with Diamonds

2007-02-10T18:58:00.000-05:00

This is it. Our new vehicle! That's right, believe it or not we're sporting around in a 2006 Chevy Trailblazer. I've driven Subaru, Ford, Dodge, Chrysler and Pontiac... this is the first Chevy I've driven. It's real nice though. I admit even though I had completely sworn off SUV's, I have to admit it's good to know that it's roomy enough and the fact that it's reliable when you wake up to snow covered roads. We've had it a little over a week and it's starting to really grow on me. I love the color. The sun hasn't been out before today and even though it's called "Beige", I do see a hint of gold when the sun hits it a right way. Now how can a girl NOT love gold?? Besides, it makes me feel much better knowing that Joel is driving out of town in a reliable vehicle and I won't be getting a phone call that he had broken down along the road. But that's not the only purchase God has blessed us with. He has had the opportunity to upgrade his computer to what he needs for work and for play. I was happy that we were able to make that purchase. Sometimes his computer competes with me regarding his time and attention, but I am really thankful it's a machine I'm competing with and not another female. I would hate to go through divorce again. Just kiddin... wait, no really I'm not :)

Oh yes... and this is what I picked up last night! The addition to my wedding band! I can't stop looking at it. It's the prettiest thing I've ever had! I'm typically not a "diamond" girl but knowing what this stands for means absolutely everything to me. So this is what my set now looks like when I glance down at my hand.....

Awwwwwwww. Now I know why family have issues on who gets their parents wedding bands. These aren't only gorgeous rings but they have so much meaning for me. The first time that I know a ring is on my finger out of love, not out of "remember what I bought for you" or it being thrown in my face and reminded that I didn't really deserve it. Things sure have changed over the past year. Joel and I have been through our lows, and still struggle at times, but there's nothing at all I would change about anything in our life.

Diamonds are beautiful, but my husband is definitely my best friend.

Brrrrrrr........

2007-02-06T07:20:00.001-05:00

It's cold. And I hate winter.

That's all.

2007-02-03T21:40:00.000-05:00

So I couldn't NOT blog about this. As hard as I tried to fight it there are feelings that just want to pour out. That NEED to pour out.

Anger, hurt, disguist, shame. Just a few of the feelings that I experienced yesterday. I must say it's the first time in a long time that I've had hurt turn to anger. Angry is not something I like to be. Something that I am happy to say, doesn't happen often.

Never in my life have I laughed at the expense of someone else. But I suppose there are some out there that believe it's funny to do so. Imagine your worst fear, your worst insecurity, your most shameful attribute all being laughed at behind your back. The one thing that you struggle with every day, the one thing that has consumed most of your life. The one thing that you would have done anything not to have revealed. Not only revealed, but ridiculed and mocked.

You just have to wonder what kind of person (or people) would take these deep feelings and stomp over them with laughter. They laugh to make themselves feel better? They laugh at you to make it alright for them? And why would your thoughts and feelings mean anything to them? Who are you to them? Friend? Or so he says: " Trust me when I say that Joel has made 3 lifelong friends here. If you would give us a chance, I bet you could too". I just have to wonder what type of friendship one offers if they can turn around and laugh at your pain. A joke for all. As if they are so perfect and righteous that they feel they have a right to laugh at the expense of you. Perhaps laughing at you will make them feel better about themselves?

What a sad life one has to live to find one's pain and insecurity humorous.

My ex husband's family did this to me. Laughed and mocked me. For 12 years I was an outcast to these people. Ugly, fat, disguisting. Everyone was better than I. I was ignored. I was talked down to. I was not good enough.

Yesterday hurt worse. Why? His family never wanted to be my friends. His family never made the comment "give it a chance". They could care less. So, yes..... this by far was worse than the 12 years I was lashed by his family.

Oh and shall we not forget the comment: "I am sorry if it makes you uncomfortable for Joel to discuss your private life with me, but I take it as an honor and a sign of his trust that he confides in me. I do not take that lightly, and I do my best to give him my honest opinions."
Trust? Confide? Perhaps one needs a lesson in the definition of these two words:

Trust - the obligation or responsibility imposed on a person in whom confidence or authority is placed.
Confide - to tell in assurance of secrecy.

Instead as soon as the door shuts you ran off to tell the others what was told to you in trust and confidence. Take it lightly? Yes, you took it more than lightly.

I don't understand why it is this happened. I don't understand why it was that you laughed. Each and every one of you hurt me. I hope the fun and laughter was worth it to you.

And for "him" - it didn't have to become friendship for betrayl to happen, you've accomplished that long before you ever gave friendship the oppurtunity. But hey.... glad I could oblige the laughter.

_______________________________________________________________

"To jealousy, nothing is more frightful than laughter."
- Francoise Sagan

"It's what you do, unthinking, that makes the quick tear start; The tear may be forgotten -- but the hurt stays in the heart."
- Ella Higginson

"It is easy -- terribly easy -- to shake a man's faith in himself. To take advantage of that to break a man's spirit is devil's work."
- George Bernard Shaw

Interesting Article

2007-02-03T10:04:00.000-05:00

The Centers for Disease Control (CDC) reports that 65 percent of U.S. adults -- or about 129.6 million people -- are either overweight or obese.

Does weight have any bearing in the workplace? According to Miriam Berg, president of the Council on Size and Weight Discrimination, it does. "The biggest obstacle larger-than-average workers face is prejudice, and the second biggest obstacle is the fact that many large people believe that prejudice themselves," Berg says. "Our culture is obsessed with weight loss, and there is a tremendous amount of bias against people who do not fit into the narrow definition of what is attractive."

"Obesity in current society is a stigmatized condition," notes Cornell University researcher and nutritional sociologist Jeffery Sobal. "People who are obese are rejected and discriminated against."

In addition to the emotional cost, the financial costs of being overweight can be high, too. In a study by Charles L. Baum, Ph.D., of Middle Tennessee State University, obesity was found to lower a woman's annual earnings an average of 4.5 percent. Over a lifetime career, that can be as much as $100,000. Baum found that obesity for men could lower annual earnings by as much as 2.3 percent. In a separate study by John H. Cawley, associate professor at Cornell University, a weight increase of 64 pounds above the average for white women was associated with 9 percent lower wages.

CSWD says that heavier workers are also not given raises as often as thinner workers, citing a study of more than 2000 adults that found wage growth rates were 6 percent lower in a three-year period for heavier workers.

One factor that seems to drive this bias is the cost of health insurance. The CDC has reported that obesity and overweight costs an estimated $117 billion in both direct medical costs and indirect costs, such as lost wages due to illness. Whether conscious or not, some employers may offer less pay to obese workers to offset higher health insurance costs.

"The research showing less productivity and more health problems in large size workers is flawed," Berg asserts. "The false idea that larger workers are less productive is a blatant attempt to deny the fact of weight discrimination. Large workers are denied promotions, are paid less, and are subject to being fired simply because of their size, no matter how excellent their qualifications are or how well they do their jobs."

In a 2005 survey by TheLadders.com, 75 percent of executives said that being overweight is a "serious career impediment."

Berg says she's heard many versions of the same story from her clients: "After reading his or her resume, the company was eager to hire the applicant. The phone interview went very well, and the person was practically assured of the job. But when he or she came face to face with the interviewer, everything changed. Suddenly the job had 'already been filled'."

Those who apply for positions that interact with the public may feel the biggest sting. "Many employers are not prejudiced themselves, but are afraid that customers may be put off by a plus-size employee, especially in jobs such as receptionist or salesperson," Berg notes.

Jim McSherry, managing partner of McSherry & Associates 2, a recruiting firm in Westchester, IL, says that extremely overweight applicants may indeed struggle in their job search, especially in companies that are very health conscious. "When two competing candidates are equally qualified, often it is not their appearance that ultimately hurts the overweight candidate, it is his or her self-confidence," McSherry says. "[But] if a candidate is really outstanding, their size will not be an issue."

"When a large person is looking for a job, we recommend doing your homework, dressing for success, putting your best foot forward, and, most importantly, addressing any potential objections a potential employer might have," Berg suggests. "There is no reason not to bring up your size -- it's the elephant in the room, so to speak. If you are healthy, tell the interviewer that you have not missed a day of work in five years, or however long it is. Point out how strong or fit or flexible you are, or mention that you have great stamina."

Being healthy doesn't simply mean losing weight. "Our advice to large size people in general is to be as healthy as they can be," Berg declares. "Some of the ways we suggest are enjoying life, reducing stress, being physically active, and eating a variety of nutritious foods."

Calling a truce....

2007-01-30T23:03:00.000-05:00

So, I guess all my dirty little secrets are out. Not really, my life isn't exciting enough to have many "dirty little secrets".... but I'm 110% happy with just the way my life is. I've made it pretty clear how much I hate any kind of drama in my life.

My husband advised me the other day that his co-workers found my blog and began to read. Not that I've said anything in this blog that I wouldn't voice anyways. A few of my opinions must have arose some issues (even though that was the furthest from my intention). A few days later I recieved an email with a lot of points being brought to attention. I was a bit confused about the email at first, but after reading it several times I began to appreciate the effort and the desire to call a "truce" (if it even qualifies as this). Needless to say there were things that were able to be brought out and discussed (if you can call email transactions a way of discussing). It boiled down to a comfortable point of understanding (at least on my part it did, as I hope it also did for him).

Maybe I shouldn't think everyone's out to tear me down, to take what I have. I conveyed that I wear my feelings on my sleeve, and for the most part I do. I'm the first one to admit my faults and know that I'm not a perfect person, my husband tells me I do that more than I should. But if it's one thing I will never do is not voice opinions on my beliefs and stand firm with those beliefs. All I ask is that one shows the same respect as I do for them.

I feel that was done. I'm comfortable with the way things went, but being who I am and going through what I've been through, I will never let my guard down. I think he can now understand and respect that about me.

So, to him........ I say Thank You.

Sunday Sunday

2007-01-28T16:47:00.000-05:00

Not much to say really. Same feelings. I have sent emails to three doctors in the area requesting information on the surgeries. Just a waiting game now. I've been looking at "before and after photos" (here's the link, so you too can be amazed: http://www.obesityhelp.com/morbidobesity/members/before+and+after.php ) of folks that have gotten the surgery and I suppose I am a bit obsessed by it because every time Joel turns around that's what I'm looking at. He just doesn't seem to understand how bad I want this.....NO, how bad I NEED this. I mean it's amazing. I would love to be where they are. Feeling good about themselves and confident. Funny thing is I've actually thought.... hmmmm, anirexia or belimia is definitly cheaper and easier. If I could stand the puking part I would probably do it. I need this surgery. I don't know how much longer I can think like I do before I just fall into a hole.
I have never been this bad. I don't what's wrong with me.

Where One Door Closes, Another Opens

2007-01-24T20:41:00.000-05:00

There are times I wonder "What is God thinking? Just how strong does he think I am? When will he stop piling stuff on me?" There have been more times these thoughts have come.... more so then they should have. I mostly feel that way when it's things that I just have absolute no control over. Things that hurt so deeply that it just seems God is out to get me. I know better than this, after it's all over. There are also some things I still wonder about, some things that I still question. I'll always question the fact of him taking my mother..... somehow that hurt and betrayl doesn't seem to disappear.

The motor in our vehicle blew last week. A vehicle we've only had for four months. Upsetting and frustrating since this was our "dependable" vehicle and was going to be paid off with income taxes. Just when we seem to be getting ahead.... you know that saying? One step ahead, three steps back. To make a long story short; the gentleman whom we purchased the car from fiananced us, which meant no interest. We put $1600 cash down on the vehicle and were paying $200 a month. So we've invested about $2600 in the car already and could have easily paid it off with tax return. He told us he could have another motor put in for an additional $700. First of all, the vehicle is a 1998 Grand Prix and NOT something I chose out of admiration. It was affordable and seemed to be capable of serving it's purpose, ya know, to work and back, hauling Faith's wheelchair, so on. The night it broke down on the interstate I had just picked Faith up. Came home and called 911 to report my vehicle broken down and gave them my contact info telling them the car would be off the interstate the next day by noon. We go over that morning to try and give the car another go. It was a no go. The motor literally locked, wouldn't even turn over. Lost pay by taking the day off to get things figured out, calls made and to remain extremly frustrated and depressed. Get home to find a message from 911 operator advising us that one of the city cops found my vehicle as a posed danger and had it towed. I was so angry! I've seen broken down vehicles sitting along the interstate (in worse spots than mine) for days! We had already made arrangements for the gentleman whom we bought the car from to pick it up.... for FREE! Now we were being told it would cost us $45 to get the vehicle. I was upset, even more now than before. It was Joel's birthday and everything was going wrong. The only good thing is that we both were able to be home together that day, but seeing the circumstances, didn't really have a "celebration". Jim (gent who sold us the car) ended up calling the wrecker service, paying not only the $45 but also paying them to tow the car over to him. We paid nothing. He is also putting almost everything we've paid on the car onto another vehicle from his lot. So we're looking at taking $1995 off another vehicle. We find out during conversation that he is a Christian. We're currently hoping that this time next week we'll be sporting around in a safe and sturdy Dodge Durango.

The Night Before

2007-01-12T23:18:00.000-05:00

Today, January 12.......

5 years ago today was the last time I spoke to my Mother on the phone. I remember vividly the conversation. I was on the other line with my friend Melissa and she would just call me up for the silliest things (as I would also). She called to rejoice to me for something silly (no details) and I just laughed at her and told her I had Melissa on the other line and that I would call her back. I didn't. Typically I would make myself feel horrible about this, but my Mom knew I loved her more than anything. There wouldn't be a day that we didn't talk AT LEAST 3 times, so even though I wish I would have picked up the phone that night to call her back..... I can say that I know in my heart she knew how much I loved her and that she was my best friend.

The next morning (Saturday) I awoke to the phone ringing. I rolled over to pick the phone up and I barely got out hello before I heard my Dad yelling "Lori!! Lori!! Your Mom died!!" He was crying histerically and I barely understood what he said. I was still half asleep and said "What?" He said it again. I wanted to wake up. I had hoped this was one of those dreams that terrified you.... it wasn't. I was in pure shock. I don't remember much after that. The next thing I remember is pulling in my parent's driveway and seeing the ambulance in the driveway with the back doors open. They had already loaded up my Mom. I stepped up into the back of the ambulance and looked at her. She looked like she was sleeping. I watched the blanket they put over her to see if it was moving. I wanted to believe that it was, I wanted to see it moving... this would mean she was still breathing. I leaned down to her. Her face was still warm. I yelled for the paramedic and said "Her face is still warm... you can bring her back. Hurry, please hurry". The paramedic just looked at me and shook their head (I didn't even pay attention if the paramedic was a man or a woman... it just didn't matter) and said "I'm sorry, we've tried. It's just been too long." It's then that I realized it wasn't a dream. I leaned down and kissed her cheek and put my hand on hers and whispered how very much I loved her.... over and over again until the paramedic helped me to stand and led me down out of the back of the ambulance. That was the last time I held my Mom.

I went into the house where my Dad kneeled beside the bed crying. The house felt so empty. I realized then that I had to be strong. I had to be strong for him and my brother (who was only 15), it's what my Mom would have wanted. I desperately fought back tears and tried to console..... I hardly cried and I remember thinking how hard I must have become not to be emotionally distraught for loosing my Mom, my best friend, the only person I ever felt complete trust and unconditional love. She was gone. The next two weeks were a blur. Funeral arrangements were entirely up to me, there was just no way my Dad could have made any decisions at all. When we went up to talk to the funeral director, he just sat there. I made all the decisions, all the arrangements.

The funeral was packed. So many people. People I didn't know, people I've known my entire life. Family that I didn't care to know, that hurt my Mom to tears. I resented seeing them there crying and only hoped that they felt guilt for the way they treated her. I still wish that on them. My Mom would tell me that's not how God wants me to be, but I can't help it. When I see those people all I remember is the times that I found my Mom crying because of the way they treated her.

I was proud of myself during the funeral. I was stronger than I thought I would be. I had two moments of weakness during the funeral. One was when a lady sang my Mom's song. She always told me, "Lori when I die I want you to get Sissy to sing "Ain't No Grave Gonna Hold Me Down". Surprisingly I was able to track Sissy down (someone we had went to church with about 20 years ago) and asked her to sing that song. That made me cry hard. I could see my Mom smiling as she stood up there and sang that song. The other time was towards the end of the funeral when everyone goes to the casket to say their goodbye. They start with the last pew and I sat there in the front pew watching all of these people saying goodbye to my Mom. Before they would go to the casket we had lots of family and close family friends come over to tell us how sorry they were. That was hard. But I sat there in a bit of a daze and stared at everyone leaning over, holding my Mom's hand and all I could think was this will be the last moment I will see my Mom.

I was numb for the next month. I played the role but don't remember much. I went to my see my Dad every night and help out with the house and the bills. The poor man didn't even know how to sit down and pay bills, so I taught him. I taught him how to balance a checkbook and took care of calling all the bill collectors and paying all the funeral costs. I don't know why, but I find the next 2 months after my Mom passing hard to remember. I don't remember how I felt or even if I cried after the day of the funeral, I didn't really have time. I had to be strong, my Mom would have wanted that and as much as she did for me in my life this was something I had to do. I often wondered if what I had gone through with Faith had made my heart turn to stone. I should have really wigged out..... I still don't understand it once I think about it.

I miss my Mom every day. There's not a day that something doesn't remind me of her. I miss her the most when I feel alone. I didn't go to her grave until a year after her death. My life had me invisible. I had nobody to talk to, I mean emotionally talk with and ask advice from. She was gone.... so I did feel invisible. I would go to her grave at the times that I felt at a breaking point. The year before Joel came I was there almost on a weekly basis. My life was a complete lie and I had nobody to talk to about it. I was living with a man that I didn't love because I felt it was the right thing to do for my daughter, I was still being strong for my Dad because I could not let him see me cry. I missed her and I talking and her accepting everything about me.... even at my ugliest, she didn't care. She loved me unconditionally.

One day I will rejoice for my Mom's life..... for now, I still miss her too much to do that.

I love you Mom and I think about you every day.

The Mirror Is Ugly

2007-01-11T18:37:00.000-05:00

Since I was 17 yrs old I've had a very low self-esteem and it's seemed to have gotten worse from there. I've always been overweight. My Mom was overweight, her Mom was overweight and so on. Now don't take it wrong, I'm not screaming being fat is genetic.... I do however believe that it's "learned". I don't blame my Mom for any of it though. I watched her struggle her entire life with her weight, I also lost her because of it. She tried diet after diet and finally her doctor suggested she try "Fen-Phen" when the FDC claimed it was "safe". Well, needless to say it wasn't and my mom died as a result of taking it. Before that I also tried drugs to loose weight. I did very well on a drug that I took, sad thing is I can't even tell you the name. Everyone in this area drove to Uniontown, PA to see this "doctor" who prescribed this medicine to help loose weight. Oh yeah, and it did just that. I lost 60 lbs in one month. I was always moving and felt even a little nervous at times. Had a hard time sleeping and could not sit still to save my life. Even though the bottle didn't indicate exactly what you were being prescribed, it worked. And any overweight person wants just that. So he banked $50-$75 per fat person for this drug and eventually came under investigation and I do believe was shut down. The word was that this "doctor" was issuing "speed". After taking them for a few months and not being able to afford it and getting pregnant, I stopped..... SURPRISE... gained what I lost back plus some. Now, after loosing my Mom... I will never take another drug for weight loss. I don't ever want to leave Faith before it's God's time to see it so. I was 30 yrs old when I lost my Mom, my best friend, and that was too soon. I watched my brother at 15 yrs old go through the toughest time in his life without a Mom. So, no. I refuse to turn to drugs.

I joined a gym, but with the way my life was when I worked at the power company there was just no time. I left my house at 6:45am on the days Faith had school and didn't get home again till 9pm. When you gonna fit gym time in on a schedule like that? Now that I'm at a new job and working days aren't as long.... it still seems that time plays a factor. I suppose I should really work on including that in my weekly schedule at least 3 times a week.... I mean, I fit in eating so perhaps instead of that... I should do the gym.

I kicked around the idea of Gastric Bypass surgery. My ex husband hated that idea and my Mom wasn't fond of it either. I told them both that I would see how far it went (by this I mean that getting it approved by insurance is virtually impossible) and if God didn't see it was meant to be then it wouldn't happen. I only got as far as the consultation so I gave up. I didn't give up wanting it, but there's no way I can afford a $50,000 surgery with no help from insurance.

So now it's coming back around worse than ever. I look in the mirror and curl my nose in horror at what's looking back at me. I somehow wish it was possible to fix my hair and do makeup without a mirror, but I'm not quite that talented. Now that I'm at a new job and have new insurance I kicked around the idea of the surgery again. Of course I would love to be down 100+ pounds in less than a year but I would be lying if I didn't say that 15% of me is scared of the thought of either not coming out of surgery or not making recovery as well as some. But I am at the point of desperation.

Last Friday my husband's boss pointed out that my weight was a health risk in a conversation amoungst co-workers. First... I don't work there so my weight shouldn't have been office topic. Secondly... what the hell gives him the right to point something like that out? I mean, doesn't he think that I alredy know that I'm fat? Let alone someone bluntly stating it to my husband during office chat? I was so hurt by this. Not because it was from him, but because I started wondering if people really just see me as "the fat wife"? Joel, of course, came to my defense but that also hurt me. I mean, come on.... how do you justify someone being fat? There is no justification for it.

So again, I am on a desperate search for the most rapid healthy way to loose weight. I found a diet that I'm going to try, not sure why I'm even wasting my time... but like I said, I just can't sit here on my fat ass and continue being fat.... not after realizing that it may be the only thing people see about me. This is no pity party. I don't need a "you're a good person boost" from anyone, I already know I'm a good person but I'm not the wife that everyone smiles at because she looks nice on her husbands arm. I'm the wife everyone smiles at because perhaps they want to humor me or even perhaps out of pity. Who knows.

I'm looking into Lap-Band surgery ( http://www.lapband.com/lapband/aboutlapband.do ) .... seriously looking into it. And if I can get approval from the insurance, it's as good as done. I'm tired of feeling this way, of looking this way. I'm just tired. It takes too much energy to feel this way. If I can rid myself of the one thing that I'm the most ashamed of.... perhaps it's then that I'll be able to reward myself with the self-esteem I lost so long ago.

Looks Are Decietful..BUT..

2007-01-08T23:53:00.000-05:00

....the world still bases everything on it. I found this article on MSN:
________________________________________________

Do Pretty People Earn More?

You know the woman -- the one who could wear a paper bag to a board meeting and still manage to look both beautiful and perfectly professional. As if it weren't annoying enough that she maintains her obnoxiously flat abs by lifting doughnuts to her mouth, it turns out your gorgeous co-worker may also be out-earning her less genetically-blessed colleagues.

Good looks can have a real impact on workers' bank accounts, according to research by Daniel Hamermesh and Jeff Biddle published in the Journal of Labor Economics. Attractive people earn about 5 percent more in hourly pay than their average-looking colleagues, who in turn earn 9 percent more per hour than the plainest-looking workers.This means if an average-looking person earned $40,000, their prettiest co-workers would make $42,000 while their least attractive colleagues brought home just $36,400.Plain-looking workers may also receive fewer promotions than those awarded to their more striking contemporaries.

Steven D. Spitz, D.M.D. and owner of cosmetic dentistry firm Smile Boston, said he once had a client who wanted his assistant to get veneers, and was even willing to pay for the dental work -- as long as the assistant asked for it."He said this was a woman who was really good at her job and he was moving up (within the organization), but he couldn't take her with him because her teeth were so bad," Spitz said. The assistant never came in for the dental work, and Spitz said he didn't know what became of her career.

Are pretty people just more talented?
It remains uncertain whether the handsomest people translate their good looks into higher productivity, but students do consistently give better-looking professors higher evaluations than they give their less comely teachers, according to research by Hamermesh and Amy Parker at the University of Texas in Austin. Still, many experts warn against assigning too much value to beauty in the workplace, arguing that even if your good looks do get you in the door, they may not get you much farther. "A person can be breathtaking in person and destroy that within the first five minutes by acting in a way that seems superior or behaving in a way that is lewd or provocative," said Francie Dalton, President of Dalton Alliances Inc., a consulting practice providing executive coaching to C-level clients. "Although I very firmly believe that looks are the first thing one notices, I am not convinced that looks trump things like competencies, interpersonal skills and other factors," she said.Richard St. John, author of "Stupid, Ugly, Unlucky, and RICH," says he's so unconvinced of the connection between good looks and competence, he often chooses to hire the "visual underdog.""I'm not saying looks won't help you be successful at getting a date," St. John said. "I'm saying looks won't help you be successful in other areas of life."

Unfair, but legal
Unlike religion, national origin or disability, discrimination based on looks is legal in most jurisdictions, said James McDonald, Jr., managing partner of the Irvine office of employment law firm Fisher & Phillips LLP.Washington, D.C. and Santa Cruz, Calif. are two of the only municipalities with laws explicitly protecting workers against discrimination based on physical characteristics or personal appearance, he said. Still, that hasn't stopped workers from launching unsuccessful lawsuits.
Fortunately, there's -- literally -- more to attractiveness than meets the eye. Researchers Markus Mobius and Tanya Rosenblat found that confidence makes up 20 percent of perceived attractiveness. To ensure the image you're portraying is a confident one, be sure your posture doesn't betray your nervousness. Keep your back straight, head high, and make eye contact with your associates.
____________________________________________________

Now, given that article........ wonder why "Plain Jane" feels that she compete with "Barbie" that works down the hall? This is why.

Superficial

2007-01-06T00:04:00.000-05:00

su·per·fi·cial - adj.
Of, affecting, or being on or near the surface: a superficial wound.
Concerned with or comprehending only what is apparent or obvious; shallow.
Apparent rather than actual or substantial: a superficial resemblance.
Trivial; insignificant: made only a few superficial changes in the manuscript.
__________________________________________________________________

People say hurtful things. People analyze someone when they have no clue what's behind the reason. I mean there are obvious reasons to have an opionion about someone or something they do; she's a stripper, my philosophy is that she doesn't respect herself. If I could ever "carry it out", I would never even consider this. Standing at McDonalds drive-thru window is more of a career than taking off your clothes for people you don't know. I mean there's no talent in being a stripper. You learned to undress yourself when you were four years old, at least with working at the Mickey D's drive-thru you've actually had training for the position. And even though I try not to judge a person, you just gotta wonder what kind of morals one has to be able to get up in front of a bunch of strangers and show themselves in that manner. Sorry, just my opinion.

Point being: I would never go up to, let's say....my husband's boss, whom happens to be friends with lots of strippers.... and say that I think they are all bad people just because they take their clothes off night after night for people they don't know. That's my opinion, I'll keep it to myself and I have a right to have that opinion..... but I don't have the right to share it. At least I don't feel it should be shared. Having a right to share it is one thing, but saying hurtful things is another.

I know this post probably isn't gonna make sense to a lot of folks, but it makes sense to me and this is my blog where I come to vent..... so I am.

In closing: Remember what you say could be very hurtful; just remember that you're more than likely the one who is alone and have nobody to share a meaningful fulfilling relationship with. Alone. It's you that goes to bed at night and only cuddles with a pillow..... perhaps because you're too superficial to see past the outside glam and take the time to get to know someone, who they are. Of course... more than likely it's you yourself who really isn't worth the time to get to know. Remember that next time you judge.......

My Resolution

2007-01-01T12:50:00.000-05:00

I've pondered on if it's even worth it... to make a resolution. Seems like resolutions are just goals made which most of the time are out of the ordinary. Loose weight, exercise more, eat healthier (all of which I need to do every day, not just as a New Years resolution), achieve a promotion at work, stop smoking... yada yada yada. A survey taken shows that 80% who make New Year resolutions, only 20% actually achieve them. I don't want to be a statistic, so instead of making a "New Years Resolution"...... I'm going to enhance what I already have in my life.

The year 2007 will have me taking better care of myself (no specific goals to achieve and stress over), I will continue to do my job at work... not set out to do better as I feel that the job I do now is satisfactory and my assigned duties are accomplished, nor will I promise myself to stop smoking.... when I'm ready it will happen. Instead I will wake up every day and enjoy the life God has granted me. I will savor every happy moment and know that I wake up in a nice warm bed and I'm able to hug my loved ones as we head off to work or to school. There are many families right here in America that cannot do this. We make New Years resolutions without thinking of the familes that wake up in homeless shelters, families that don't know where their next meal will come from, families that can't kiss their loved ones as they head off to work or to school.

One thing 2006 has taught me is that things happen just the way they are supposed to. 2006 for me, has been the most amazing year in my life. I've been able to change jobs to make my life more enjoyable, I've married a wonderful man who supports and loves me just for who I am, we've made a home together where there is love and happiness. I'm not going to try to live up to a resolution that seems too far gone..... dreams and goals have been achieved without me even trying.

Today.... January 1, 2007
I will make it my "resolution" to enjoy my life just as it is.

2006-12-31T08:38:00.000-05:00

A Lack of Respect

2006-12-27T23:17:00.000-05:00

First I must convey my apologies to all readers of this blog. I'm on a rampage, per say... so just remember that as you continue to read.

A few weeks ago I was listening to the radio on my way to work and a lady had called in voicing her opinion to the DJ's about the choice of music they play. The DJ had refused to play a song (that of which fails to come to memory), so the woman called in giving her opinion on his decision. I had never quite thought about it from her aspect before, but as she spoke her piece I realized how right she was. She stated how she was appalled that the DJ had refused to play the requested song but yet played the song "Buttons" by the Pussycat Dolls repeatedly. She stated a few lyrics in the song:

I'm telling you loosen up my buttons baby
But you keep fronting
Saying what you going to do to me
But I ain't seen nothing

You been saying all the right things all night long
But I can't seem to get you over here to help take this off
Baby, can't you see?
How these clothes are fitting on me

You say you're a big boy
But I can't agree
'Cause the love you said you had
Ain't been put on me

Come on baby, loosen up my buttons babe
Loosen up my buttons babe
Baby, won't you loosen up my buttons babe?
Loosen up my buttons babe

Now these "girls" may look good and move great, but you just gotta wonder about the lack of respect they have for themselves. The woman was right. The DJ refuses to play certain music, like Eminem whom sings about what he's lived, but yet has no problem playing a song where women degrade themselves. What has our female society come to? It's necessary to "sell" your body in order to be attractive? What are groups like this teaching our young daughters? You have to wear skimpy clothes and have a belly ring to be attractive? You have to have your panties showing above your jeans to be sexy? You have to weigh 100 lbs soak and wet to catch a man's attention? It's not bad enough the pressure that our young ladies feel these days, with drugs and sex... let alone the "Pussycat Dolls" singing about how "loosening up your buttons" is the only way to land the male species. Hello? Everything about this is wrong.

It sickens me to hear songs like this and to read the lyrics. Shallow and mindless women who sing and dance around stage like a bunch of tramps let loose from a dog pound.... all to sell a few records. Meanwhile little Amy is growing up hearing these "girls" and thinking that she has to dress the way they do to be attractive, forget a man falling in love with them for what's on the inside. She'll end up pregnant at 15 yrs old and on welfare for support.... but do you hear the "Pussycat Dolls" sing about that? No. Why? Well, of course that wouldn't sell their records. And we all know it's about the money, not the morality. When you go to the mall and see an 11 yr old dressed in a skirt so short that if she were to bend over.... well, you get the idea, a belly button ring and more makeup than what I've ever worn.... what are these parents thinking? And then they wonder why grown men glance at their 11 yr old as they waltz down the middle of the mall. Because they don't look 11. Why would you want your child to grow up any faster than what they will grow up? It enrages me to see what our young girls look to as role models. These mindless, materialistic, promiscuous whores who shake their ass on stage...... their songs reek of sex and how that's what the youth should focus on. The name says it all - "Pussycat Dolls".

A lack of respect..... not only to themselves, but to all our young ladies who look up to them.

Day After Christmas

2006-12-26T23:37:00.000-05:00

Back to work today. I hated it. I mean, come on... you need at least one day to recover from Christmas, ya know? Joel had today off (little turd), well kind of. I mean he spent all day working on this project for his company so even though he was home he wasn't technically off. So I take the turd comment back, sorry baby.

It's going on midnight.... day after Christmas and I sit here at my desk again glancing into the kitchen at the counter still with dirty dishes. Not as many, mind you, but still dirty dishes from Christmas dinner. I believe that I'll be able to fit all of the remaining into the dishwasher tomorrow. So ya know, three day old crusty Christmas dishes..... not too bad, eh? Like I said, I'm just glad it's over and only happens once a year.

Stopped down at the corner market tonight after picking Faith up and saw a sign "Free Puppies". Now as many of you know, my past experience with "free" pets didn't go well. I wanted "a" kitten and ended up with three (well, they were brothers.... who am I to seperate family?). Needless to say we had them about 2 months and had to rid of them. I didn't realize cat crap could stink so badly NOR did I realize that they would tear up my $50 shears (that's 2 shers per window with a total of $300... yeah ridding of kittens don't sound so cruel now, does it?). So after becoming kitty free, Joel and I discussed the possibility of considering a puppy. I told him later on after we're settled and all. All intensions were to get an outside dog, but to wait till we were able to afford a place with a fence or enough room for the dog to run. But tonight when I saw those words "Free Puppies", I saw a sign (besides the obvious one with "Free Puppies" written on it). So when I got home Joel called and these pups are 1/2 Yellow Lab and 1/2 Dalmation. Now I don't know about you, but that just don't sound like it'd be a pretty animal. The lady said she had the sign hanging for 4 days, started with 8 puppies and now down to 3 (2 male, 1 female). Needless to say, we are going to go look at them tomorrow evening around 6:30. I'll update you on whether our house becomes canine friendly.

Speaking of tomorrow..... gonna be a long day at work. One of those muts may get lucky as I will probably be very vulnerable. Please pray that I can be strong. I've never thought of "Labmation" as a canine breed of interest. We shall see.

As Christmas nears it's end....

2006-12-25T23:52:00.000-05:00

The clock has almost struck midnight and Christmas will be done. Even though this has been one of the only "good" Christmas' I've celebrated since my Mom passed, I gotta admit..... I'm so glad it's over! I sit here at my desk and glance in the kitchen at the sink full of dishes still left over from dinner. Mind you, this is the 2nd batch of dirty dishes.... ones that wouldn't fit in the dishwasher. I'm too doggone tired to load up that thing again and it's against the law for you to hand-wash dishes if you have a dishwasher (Law of Lori). So yes, Christmas was exceptionally better than last and definitly better than the last three..... but I do sigh a bit of relief that it's done.

My only goal for New Years Eve/Day..... get that dang tree down. My wonderful husband has been designated to unstring the lights, of course this would be for the safety of everyone as my patience with lights is not one of my best attributes.

2006-12-24T12:49:00.000-05:00

Wishing the best for you and your family this Christmas.

2006-12-23T10:33:00.000-05:00

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Words To Live By

2006-12-21T00:12:00.000-05:00

The past cannot be changed, but the future is still in your power.
- Hugh White -

Don't let today's disappointments cast a shadow on tomorrow's dreams.
- Author Unknown -

The only place where dreams are impossibilities is in your own mind.
- Emalie -

Love comforteth like sunshine after rain.
- William Shakespeare -

One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: that word is love.
- Sophocles -

You don't marry someone you can live with,
you marry the person who you cannot live without.
- Author Unknown -

I love you -
those three words have my life in them.
~ by Alexandrea to Nicholas III ~

I love thee, I love but thee
With a love that shall not die
Till the sun grows cold
And the stars grow old.
~ by Willam Shakespeare ~

One word frees us of all the weight and pain in life,
That word is Love
~ by Socrates ~

Love asks me no questions,
And gives me endless support...
~ by William Shakespeare ~

Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.
~ by Robert A. Heinlein, Stranger in a Strange Land ~

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength,
While loving someone deeply gives you courage.
~ by Lao Tzu ~

Love knows no reasons, love knows no lies.
Love defies all reasons, love has no eyes.
But love is not blind, love sees but doesn't mind.
~ by Author unknown ~

The courses of true love never did run smooth.
~ by William Shakespeare ~

Freedom of Life

2006-12-17T08:44:00.000-05:00

(for privacy, names have been altered)

Every day when I shut the office door and throw my purse over my shoulder I smile as the door opens up to the outside. I don't usually look back.... until the other day.

I work in an assisted living facility. I've only been there going on 4 months, before that I worked for 7 years at an electric company. So this has already been a learning experience. When I started working there it was hard for me not to glance at each and every resident, some were very alert and alive... others did good just to open their eyes.

I first met Johnny, who is probably in his mid-60's and has been living there for 2 yrs. He "approved" me upon my interview. Every day Johnny will come up in his wheelchair and sit beside the receptionist. He is the official greeter. More like the official "know-it-all". He knows more about what goes on in the facility then I do. He always says "Wow" as I head out or in, of course it's so hard to resist a smile with his Elvis hairdo. Next, I met Doug. Doug is 42. That's not even 10 yrs older than I. Doug is in a wheelchair as a result of CP. He is as smart as a tack and has such a wonderful personality. He and I have become fast buddies. He holds a lot of anger, and who could blame him? He is the 2nd youngest resident in the building. What's even more sad is that his mind works fine, it's just his body that he can't make function properly. He is probably the one that tears at my heart the most. We also have Michael who is probably in his late 40's, early 50's. He also suffers from CP. Now it's funny because I only see Michael on Fridays. I tease him about only coming around to visit on Fridays, but he tells me it's his way to get pumped up for the weekend, his way to put on his "party hat", per say. He's another one that cracks me up. He told me a joke last Friday. "Why doesn't Frosty have any kids?" I humor him, "Why Michael?".... Micheal replies, loudly might I say, "Because he's got snowballs!". Ornary is about the only word I can think of for that one. We also have Mary, who is the sweetest little thing you can imagine. Mary suffers from Alzheimers. She is one of the few that is able to walk around the facility, most of them are confined to wheelchairs or are unable to leave their bed. She walks around with this babydoll in hand. You never see her without this baby. One day I see Mary in the hall and the baby has food all over her face. I stop and say "Goodness, it looks like someone ate well today!" Mary goes on and on about how "Liz" eats very well and that she never has to worry about that. I suddenly notice something from Liz's nose. Hmmm.... I wonder. Oh yeah, I suppose Mary also realized that sometimes babies have boogers sticking out of their noses. I had to laugh, I mean you gotta give Mary credit for the imagination of putting a booger on a babydoll's nose! I never thought of a babydoll booger nose when I played with dolls. I told Joel about Mary. Instead of the smile I expected when I told the story, he just kind of shook his head and said that he thought it was very sad for someone to get to that point. I told him that I thought it was sad for her family, but as for Mary... she's happy, she's a child again. And for children their world revolves around what makes them happy. She is a sweetie, for sure... boogers and all!

Some residents bring a bit of sadness. Take Ethal, for example. Ethal is a live wire, I'll give her that. But Ethal is one of the residents that tug at my heartstrings the most. Ethal also suffers from Alzheimers. Ethal will find her way up to the front door and try to get out of the facility. Some residents pose a danger to themselves if they exit the building. Ethal wears an ankle alarm so every time she gets near one of the doors, the alarm sounds and the doors automatically lock. Ethal is very determined. Some days she will attempt to exit the front door 10 times. I hear the alarm sound then I hear Ethal yelling and cursing. Now I do have to give Ethal credit for attempting the front door. I mean you'd think she would attempt a door where the receptionist isn't sitting right there, but no. Let me explain her method. I belive Ethal attempts the front entrance because she is aware that people enter and exit frequently here, maybe just maybe that will be her oppurtunity to "slip out" without anyone noticing. Ethal has had me in tears before. She yells how she wants to go home and we need to let her go. Her little wrinkled hands hold on the tightly to the wall rails as the nurses try to pull her away to take her back to her room. I try to tell Ethal that she doesn't want to go out because it's too cold or the wind is blowing to much. Sometimes that seems to help her calm down, but ya see... Ethal just wants to go home. The other day she was on a spree with the exit thing. I grabbed her wheelchair and even though Ethal is just a little thing she is mighty strong and determined. She turned and looked me straight in the eye and said "Damn it, let me go!", grabbed my hand off the back of her wheelchair and bite me. Of course it didn't hurt, but I was a bit shocked to see her reaction towards me like that. I just said "Now Ethal that wasn't very nice. I just don't want you to get lost or hurt." She just looked at me with her sad eyes. She is probably the second one that tears at my heart. Bill is another resident that makes me smile. He sings in the hall... loudly, may I add. Last week I heard him bellowing out "She'll be coming around the mountain when she comes....", I just smile as I sit at my desk and hear him singing. He has days where he'll wait by the front door and ask when his bus will come. Also suffering from Alzheimers, he believes that he'll be late for work. He tells how he won a Purple Heart when he was at war. I overheard him telling that story to the Human Resource Director and she took the time to stand there and listen and then thanked him for his time. He just smiled as he took her hand in his. Another day a tear rolled up in my eye.

So the other day I'm heading home, it was the weekend I had worked over to help the Administrator figure out the budgeted hours for 2007 and it's one day that I had the oppurtunity to see the Christmas lights they had put up at dusk. So I looked back at the front of the nursing home. The offices were dark, the front lobby was dark. I just stopped and the thoughts came to my mind of those residents. This is their life. They can't breath that deep sigh when the door closes upon them exiting. As I looked back at the facility I realized my freedom of life. I felt sad to be going home this time. The drive home was a bit longer than usual as I kept thinking how these residents spend their evenings, their weekends, their holidays.... how they will be spending Christmas.

I learned a lesson this Friday as I walked away from my workplace. I'm not going to stress over the gifts I'm able to buy, over whether the dinner turns out perfectly, whether the lights are strung to perfection or rather the ribbon on the gift matches the paper...... I'm going to enjoy the time I spend with my loved ones and treasure each and every moment I'm able to wake up Christmas morning in my bed beside my husband and help my little girl open her presents. I'm going to enjoy cooking dinner for my family, as I know they appreciate my effort. I'm going to smile as they open the gift, not because the ribbon matches the paper but because they know that gift was bought with love. The Christmas tree is lite with lights and glow only because of the love in my household, not because the lights are strung perfectly.

Savor the time you have with your loved ones this year, as one day you may find yourself alone and in a dark place where you can't awake to the Christmas you've enjoyed in the past... and it will be only then that you wish you would have taken the time to realize what Christmas is all about.

No Time

2006-12-06T19:07:00.000-05:00

I knelt to pray but not for long,
I had too much to do.
I had to hurry and get to work
For bills would soon be due.
So I knelt and said a hurried prayer,
And jumped up off my knees.
My Christian duty was now done
My soul could rest at ease.....
All day long I had no time
To spread a word of cheer
No time to speak of Christ to friends,
They'd laugh at me I'd fear.
No time, no time, too much to do,
That was my constant cry,
No time to give to souls in need
But at last the time, the time to die.
I went before the Lord,
I came, I stood with downcast eyes.
For in his hands God held a book;
It was the book of life.
God looked into his book and said
"Your name I cannot find
I once was going to write it down...
But never found the time"
_______________________________________________________
A friend sent this to me today and I'm ashamed to say that it hit home probably more so than I wanted to realize. A lot of times I find myself saying these same things. "No Time" or "What would they think?". I mean I'm outspoken about my belief in Jesus, but I find that I lack to witness for him. A man that died for me. Seems that's the least I can do, doesn't it?
I post this only to hope that this makes you think as it did me today.

A Different Christmas Poem

2006-11-29T23:04:00.000-05:00

The embers glowed softly, and in their dim light, I gazed round the room and I cherished the sight. My wife was asleep, her head on my chest,
My daughter beside me, angelic in rest.
Outside the snow fell, a blanket of white,
Transforming the yard to a winter delight.
The sparkling lights in the tree I believe,
Completed the magic that was Christmas Eve.

My eyelids were heavy, my breathing was deep,
Secure and surrounded by love I would sleep.
In perfect contentment, or so it would seem,
So I slumbered, perhaps I started to dream.
The sound wasn't loud, and it wasn't too near,
But I opened my eyes when it tickled my ear.
Perhaps just a cough, I didn't quite know,
Then the sure sound of footsteps outside in the snow.

My soul gave a tremble, I struggled to hear,
And I crept to the door just to see who was near.
Standing out in the cold and the dark of the night,
A lone figure stood, his face weary and tight.
A soldier, I puzzled, some twenty years old,
Perhaps a Marine, huddled here in the cold.
Alone in the dark, he looked up and smiled,
Standing watch over me, and my wife and my child.

"What are you doing?" I asked without fear,
"Come in this moment, it's freezing out there!
Put down your pack, brush the snow from your sleeve,
You should be at home on a cold Christmas Eve!"
For barely a moment I saw his eyes shift,
Away from the cold and the snow blown in drifts.
To the window that danced with a warm fire's light
Then he sighed and he said "Its really all right,
I'm out here by choice. I'm here every night."
"It's my duty to stand at the front of the line,
That separates you from the darkest of times.

No one had to ask or beg or implore me,
I'm proud to stand here like my fathers before me.
My Gramps died at 'Pearl on a day in December,
"Then he sighed, "That's a Christmas 'Gram always remembers.
"My dad stood his watch in the jungles of 'Nam',
And now it is my turn and so, here I am.

I've not seen my own son in more than a while,
But my wife sends me pictures, he's sure got her smile.
Then he bent and he carefully pulled from his bag,
The red, white, and blue... an American flag.

"I can live through the cold and the being alone,
Away from my family, my house and my home.
I can stand at my post through the rain and the sleet,
I can sleep in a foxhole with little to eat.
I can carry the weight of killing another,
Or lay down my life with my sister and brother.
Who stand at the front against any and all,
To ensure for all time that this flag will not fall."

"So go back inside," he said, "harbor no fright,
Your family is waiting and I'll be all right."
"But isn't there something I can do, at the least,
"Give you money," I asked, "or prepare you a feast?
It seems all too little for all that you've done,
For being away from your wife and your son."

Then his eye welled a tear that held no regret,
"Just tell us you love us, and never forget.
To fight for our rights back at home while we're gone,
To stand your own watch, no matter how long.
For when we come home, either standing or dead,
To know you remember we fought and we bled.
Is payment enough, and with that we will trust,
That we mattered to you as you mattered to us."

Betrayal of a friend....

2006-11-26T23:39:00.000-05:00

I've had, what I would consider to be, five best friends in my lifetime....and today only two of them remain.

The first was one that I grew up with and so this friendship was kind of "passed along", per say. My mom and her mom were also the best of friends, so alas.... so did we turn out to be. Until high school. She got caught up in a group of people that I didn't feel comfortable around and then after my car accident and I couldn't "party" it up anymore... I became her pity friend. Not for me. I would say that started the end of our friendship. She and I still talked, still do. But nothing like before. There have been many reasons why I feel that friendship took a different route, too many to list really.

The second girl I worked with about 10 years ago (Gosh, I'm getting old). This was a different type of friendship. I was going through a real tough time in my life and held a lot of anger. I don't even really know why, but I did. She fed that too. Even though there were things I would get angry about, silly things, she would aide me and just get me more worked up. That friendship ended abruptly when she chose to believe a lie that someone had told her. Don't say you're my best friend and then choose to believe something you hear instead of confronting me.

The third was also a girl I worked with and even though we weren't real close at that time, she and I became better acquainted years later. Just recently she decided to end our friendship. Her reasons? She feels that since Joel has come she's been "on the backburner". Sorry. That's the way it should be. But I know why she feels this way. When I was with my ex-husband she and I would talk hours and hours on the phone about anything and everything..... just to avoid conversation or confrontation with him. She was about the only person who listened to me and wanted to hear what I had to say, I mean I had pretty much shut out everyone else after my mom died. Even though she and I were very close, there were some issues and beliefs that we didn't see eye to eye on. I won't go into detail, but I will say she respected me and never became obsessed with trying to make me see things her way. Let me just tell you the situation that happened with Melissa. So, of course I want her there at the wedding.... even though she wasn't as supportive as I felt she should have been when I told her Joel was moving to WV, I suppose as my friend she was worried. But being my friend, I felt that she shouldn't have questioned my judgement and respected me enough to back me up... even if it wouldn't have worked. I would have for her..... actually I did for her at one time. So our work schedules and lives took a different turn and we weren't able to talk as much as we used to. I didn't feel that changed our friendship, I mean surely she knew I was here for her if she needed to talk. So about a week before the wedding she and I spoke on the phone for a bit, the first real time either of us had that oppurtunity to catch up on things. Of course, I asked if she was going to be able to come to the wedding. She stressed that she wanted to but wasn't sure. Her fiance works out of town and with 3 kids, it's kind of hard to get coverage. I suppose this job has him out of town most of the time and they hardly get to spend any time at all together as a family. I thought about how I would feel if Joel worked out of town and I had to give up a day with him for a friends wedding... so a few days later I spoke with her again to see if she had a chance to see if she were going to be able to come. She still didn't know. At that point, I took the oppurtunity to stress to her that even though I would love for her to be there that I totally understood if she couldn't and that it was ok. The day before she and I spoke and she was going to come. I was happy, but then felt badly that she was going to be giving up a day to be with her kids and fiance just for the wedding. I mean, it's not like it was a huge wedding or anything. I asked her to phone me around 11:30 as the wedding began at 1. Of course with me getting ready and all, I knew that I wouldn't remember. It was 12:30 and I'm running late. My cell phone rings. It's Melissa. She's not even near the wedding destination and demands to know why I haven't called. I reminded her that she was supposed to call me and we would make arrangements to meet up. She became upset and kind of blew up at me telling me that I should want her there if she were my best friend and since Joel and I got together things have changed and she knew that this was coming. On my wedding day she does this??? I was upset, but there was no way that I was going to allow her to hurt me.... not today. She hung up on me. Later on our way home I got a message from her apologizing for the way she had behaved but pretty much in suttle words ending our friendship. I decided to sit down and write her a letter and also enclosing photos of the wedding and Faith. That was over a week ago. I even called her cell on Thanksgiving to wish her a Happy Thanksgiving. Still nothing. So, my third "best friendship" comes to an end..... why? Because I'm happy? I just don't get it.

I told Joel yesterday that I was done. It's hard enough for me to trust people, but then to trust them and be betrayed. The less people you trust, the less chance of being hurt.

I mentioned that I've had what I consider to have been five best friends in my life.... I've told you about the betrayl of three...... the only two left are the ones whom I trust the most never to have hurt or to hurt me..... my mother and my husband.

Friends? They aren't all their cracked up to be.......

Black Friday

2006-11-24T10:12:00.000-05:00

There's no way I could NOT blog today. I have to take this oppurtunity to acknowledge my wonderful husband.

Since October and the first time I laid eyes on the new TMX Elmo, I knew that was... no, HAD TO BE... Faith's birthday gift this year. This lil guy was amazing. I mean, not only did he laugh when you tickled him but he rolls on the floor laughing AND gets up on his feet by himself. Oh yeah.... Made In China.... go figure? So for the past 2 months I've been calling WalMart and Toys R Us to see if they had gotten any in. When we stopped in Toys R Us at the beginning of November to get the boys thier gift cards, the girl said that they got a shipment of 60 dolls in that morning and by noon they were gone. Missed by about 6 hours. That's the closest I had gotten. Both Joel and I have been online numerous times and they haven't even been available online, aside from the cheap Ebay price of $150. Umm, no. Not when WalMart and Toys R Us have it advertised for $40. Joel spend an hour or two on the phone yesterday calling all the WalMart's in the area to see if they'd even have any today. No luck.

So I've been saying the past few weeks that the only way that little girl was gonna get this was for me to go out on "Black Friday". Oh yes. I've never... repeat... NEVER have been out on a Black Friday. I'm blonde, but not stupid. But this year, I was gonna do it for TMX Elmo. Then I got sick and wasn't sure I was gonna be able to go, so yesterday morning when I woke up and felt better I again mentioned doing the Black Friday thing and he says "I'll go". I about passed out. Thank God I was still laying in the bed. I thought "Come again. Did I hear that right?" I asked him to repeat. He did say what I thought I heard. I thought maybe the Steroid dosage they had given me was too high. I mean this is a man that HATES shopping. HATES it. Let alone on "Black Friday". So since he said he would go, I've reassured him that it's not something he had to do. He says, "I know, I want to."

The alarm goes off this morning at 4:15am. I hit snooze till about 4:45am. I roll outta bed and try to sneak in to get ready. I flipped on the light to find my clothes and he mutteres from under his blanket, "You be sure to wake me when your almost ready... promise?" I told him that I wasn't planning on getting spiffed up to go to Toys R Us and do some pushin and shovin and all I had to do was throw on some clothes, pull my hair up in a hat and slip on my shoes. He was up outta bed looking for clothes before I got outta the bathroom. To make a long story short....we not only got one TMX Elmo's, but two. We also were able to get the digital camera (a doorbuster item!). We set on a mission for two purchases and achieved both, plus a few extra side items (when you stand in the check-out line for an hour you seem to find things along the way).

After coming home he hopped on the computer to play his game, his wind down time. As I loaded the dishwasher with last nights crusty Thanksgiving dinner plates.... it was then I realized just how very lucky I was. I've always known how lucky I've been but I mean this man who I just married went..... not because he wanted to find anything special.... but because he didn't want me going alone and also wanted to play a part in finding this "special gift" for Faith.

There's not even any words I can think to express what today has meant for me, what he has made today mean for me. What he makes every day mean to me. Just when I think I can't possibly love him anymore than I do, I'm yet surprised again.